All posts by Dr. Mike

Changing Christmas, Christmas Past, COVID Christmas, Dealing with Christmas stress

Merry COVID Christmas

I created this blog for several reasons, one of them was to develop my writing style.  To accomplish this I committed to a few  rules, including to be wholly honest and transparent.  I felt that this stipulation was necessary to give validation to what I was writing. Unfortunately, I have been only partially successful in meeting this goal.

I am honest when I write about my past, my fears, my ideas, my successes, my failures, and just about anything related to me.  However, I have been conscious to not write about situations that those close to me may find awkward.  I made this modification early on when I wrote something about a family member and was told, “You embarrassed me.”  That event brought back memories of Erma Bombeck, a newspaper columnist from my youth who wrote a hilarious column that often featured the antics of her children.  Decades later I found out that her writings caused her kids untold grief as they hated having their exaggerated dirty laundry aired to their neighbors, teachers, and peers.

I am able to see both the good and bad in people and situations, but my nature is to focus on the positive.  Some have accused me of being too Pollyanna-ish, but this is just who I am. I had a concern that my more positive view of this holiday season could be upsetting to some readers who felt punished during this time. I don’t want to be the guy who is rubbing joy into someone else’s face. Should I not write about Christmas because it might be a “trigger” for someone?  Editors note:  I really am starting to hate the word trigger, and its overuse… but here I am using it myself.

I know Christmas was difficult for many, as most normal get-togethers had to be shelved.  The same can be said for my family as we had to forgo a variety of celebrations on both sides. Despite these losses, I enjoyed Christmas a lot. 

In many ways I am privileged.  I’m retired and have a retirement income, most of my kids were home for the holiday, and I am generally healthy.  I’m sure these factors impacted my Christmas experience. Could being truthful hurt some of my readers who have less?  

After weighing all points I decided to write about my Christmas.  Why?  Because I understand that the way that we think about a situation has a direct impact on how we experience that situation. This is an important rule that is worth writing about.

One theme that I have repeated in my blog posts is that events and situations are neither good nor bad, they just “are.”  As you read this some of you are thinking of exceptions, and are likely muttering something like, “How can you say that the coronavirus is neither good nor bad?  Millions have become sick and hundreds of thousands are dead!”  You would be correct in your assertion that this virus has inflicted terrible consequences on our world.  However, its total effect won’t be known for decades. Believe it or not, some positive may result from this plague. It is possible that the lessons that we have learned from this pandemic will save us from an even more deadly one in the future.  -Sadly, there will be more pandemics.

Back to Christmas.  

Here are some of the things that I chose to view as negative:

I missed not seeing my close family, friends, and relatives.  

Here are some things that I chose to view as positive:

I didn’t have to travel long distances in terrible weather conditions.  I have had to make many white knuckle drives during whiteouts and blizzards to attend past Christmas get-togethers.

How did I redesign Christmas for 2020?

There are many unrealistic expectations around Christmas.  Is it any surprise that so many are stressed before Christmas and disappointed afterwards?  My goal was to extract what my family found significant and to focus on those events.  I used a broad strokes approach instead of trying to micromanage everyone’s individual experience. 

There are general themes that we focus on at Christmas time.

The reason for the season-

As Christians we use December 25th as a day to honor the birth of Jesus.  

Decorating- 

We don’t have a showplace Christmas house.  In fact, our decorations are a  bit on the soft side.  We decorate our living room and family room.  In recent years I have backed away from doing a lot of outside decorations-I hate taking the stuff down in the bitter cold. 

The most significant holiday artifact is our Christmas tree.  It is an old artificial one, that seems to lose more “needles” than real trees do.  However, we love putting on the tree’s decorations as they all have significance to us.  Many ornaments were given as gifts, while others were made by our kids in preschool and grade school.  Each placement feels like a little visit with an old friend.

We all decorated our tree, which was filled with memories from the past.

Food-

Food is a major part of any celebration.  We usually have our main meal on Christmas Eve.  This year I was chief cook and decided to make a beef tenderloin, tossed salad, glazed carrots, scalloped potatoes, and freshly baked yeast rolls.  Julie acted as my assistant, easing my responsibility. I was  terrified that I would ruin the tenderloin, as its overall cost was akin to a small mortgage payment.  Thankfully the meal turned out great.

Our Christmas Eve dinner table was simply set with some very old and much loved Fiestaware.
I was in charge of making Christmas Eve dinner. Happily, it turned out well.

Traditionally Julie makes a brunch on Christmas Day which always includes an egg casserole dish which we refer to as “egg dish.”  It is a combination of eggs, bread, ham, and cheese that is prepared the night before to allow everything to meld together. When baked on Christmas morning it turns into a combination of a souffle and a casserole.  It is a holiday must-have in Kunaland.  

Julie made our Christmas Day brunch. Here she is dusting some Monkey Bread. You can see the “egg dish” far left.

You may be wondering what we had for Christmas Day dinner. Frozen pizza!  It is great to make special meals, but none of us wanted to spend the entire holiday cooking.

Desserts-

Another Christmas tradition.  William decided to make Grace a favorite dessert and Grace decided to do the same for William.  It was their gift to each other.  Personally, I love the idea of a gift of service. Both William and Grace shared their dessert gifts with the rest of the family.  A sweet holiday for all. 

William making Grace some ice cream cone cupcakes, a favorite memory from childhood.
Grace making William a fresh strawberry pound cake, a recent favorite of his.

Gifts-

For decades Julie and I have tried to deemphasize gift giving, but we have been only partially successful.  We have come to realize that it is an important part of the holiday, and we now focus on finding things that have meaning rather than things that are just expensive.  For instance, the kids know of my love of camping and gave me items like a book on the National Parks.  I gave Julie a variety of things, but I also fixed a long-broken lamp that she loves.  For us, it is less about the thing and more about the idea behind the thing.  With that said, it is a wonderful feeling when someone is thinking about you. Kindness does not have a monetary value.

Grace gets a cat T-shirt. We love cats.
The kids know that I love camping. Here I have some camping lounge pants!
My Godchild, Jenny had this special “camping style” mask made for me!
Will wanted some flags for his dorm room. Here he is getting in-touch with his inner Slovak.
We had a power outage that lasted several hours on Christmas morning. Julie was disappointed as we couldn’t listen to music. However, I had a wireless bluetooth speaker in Violet the campervan. The speaker plus some Spotify beamed from my phone did the trick!
Julie got a card game that she played as a child. It was a happy memory.

Together time- 

We enjoy spending time with each other.  Most of our Christmas time together was centered around meals, watching the end of a TV series on a DVD (which was also overdue from the library), and gift opening.  

Alone time- 

One of the advantages (for introverts like us) was having more alone time this year.  There is not much more to say about this as each of us like doing our own thing.

Extended relationships time- 

We had a long ZOOM call with Julie’s family on Christmas, and I made sure to contact people during the holiday season via the phone, ZOOM, Facetime, email, Facebook, and texting.  As the pandemic has lurched on socializing options, like a group ZOOM call, seem more natural. 

We had a long ZOOM call to Julie’s side of the family.

If I summarize what we did for Christmas, it wasn’t much.  We remembered why we were celebrating the day, put up simple decorations, had a few nice meals, opened some gifts, and connected with people who were important to us.  So why was the holiday special?  Because we choose to make it so.  Importantly, we focused on what we had instead of what we didn’t have. 

I would also like to emphasize that I wasn’t trying to artificially replicate our usual Christmas.  Instead, I took important elements from past Christmases and created a new celebration.  I did this to avoid the agony of comparison. I didn’t want us to dwell on why we didn’t have X, Y, or Z.  Instead, I wanted us to focus on what we did have. 

I understand that some of you may be more fortunate than me, and some of you may be less fortunate.  However, it is possible for all of us to approach important events in our lives with what we have, or what we can create, rather than what we don’t have or what we are giving up.

When I was working I would often hear tales of miserable Christmas holidays.  Some would vacation, but their friends went to more exotic places.  Others gave fabulous gifts, but they then had to deal with debt.  Still others tried to orchestrate a “Norman Rockwell”  Christmas and were upset when things weren’t as perfect as what they imagined. People can be disappointed during the best of times when they choose to focus on what’s missing. It is up to us to make our lives the best that they can be.

Christmas 2020 will only happen once in a lifetime, I refuse to throw this day away in the hopes of a better 2021.  Each day is precious, never to be repeated.

Uncategorized

Dr. Fixit At Your Service

The little boy in me has always liked building and fixing things. I have done limited repair jobs in the past, but I have been hampered by a lack of knowledge, tools, and time.  

On occasion, my interest level would overcome these restrictions, and over the years, I have tackled a few projects. I crafted a desk, hand-built many computers, attempted basic home decorating, and completed some other small projects. 

When I moved into my house 30 years ago, I subscribed to a home repair “book of the month” club. Every 30 days, I would receive a glossy covered book highlighting a particular topic, like heating and air conditioning repair. When a fix-it task came up, I would dig into that collection, but I often found that I didn’t have the right tools or that the instructions were too generic to help a novice.

Let’s face it, when you are working 60-70 hours a week, it becomes easier to call someone to do your repair work. Also, I have been fortunate to know my friend, Tom. Tom has both the tools and the talent. He has always been happy to help me, and I rely on him for those jobs that are well beyond my pay grade. However, I don’t want to take advantage of Tom’s goodwill. He is busy enough without my demands.

When you have lived in a house for 30 years, appliances break. In fact, they seem to bust more frequently as their technology advances. I still have the basic 1984 electric stove and fridge that came with my home; they now live in my basement. However, the same cannot be said of their much more expensive replacements. Currently, I’m on my third new range, fridge, and dishwasher. These devices promised miracle features, but they were less forthcoming when it came to reliability.  

Replacement stove #2 was a technological marvel with a convection oven, bread proofing drawer, induction stovetop, and enough colored LEDs that it could have been mistaken for a Christmas tree. Over the 10 years I had it, the device was repaired at least 3 times. Each service call was more expensive than the last. The Fourth and final repair attempt happened a few years back. The oven had gone nuclear; I would set it for 350F and come back to a meal that had been reduced to charcoal briquettes. The repair guy’s consultation was $150. “I can stay and monitor your temperature rise, but that is going to cost you a lot more,” He said. The man kindly told me how to reprogram the oven’s micro-computer but informed me that if my efforts failed, it would make more sense to buy a new stove, as it was unlikely that they still made the logic boards for my model. I re-calibrated the oven’s thermostat, and I was able to get a few more months of life from the stove, but soon it was back to its old tricks and failed right before Thanksgiving 2018.

Thanksgiving is a big holiday as we have guests arriving from multiple states. Many stay for several days, and they eat all of their meals at our house. The logistics of making Thanksgiving dinner for 20 plus numerous breakfasts, lunches, and dinners are always daunting but felt impossible without a working oven. That year we pulled it off with a microwave, toaster oven, and our old basement range. Basement cooking is not a sustainable option, and we bought another stove the following Monday. Kitchen appliances may be more energy efficient than they were in the past, but that doesn’t offset their additional repair and replacement costs. I can’t say that my life has changed for the better now that I can tap in 350F on a stove’s keypad instead of turning a simple dial.

Julie shouted from the kitchen, “Mike, I don’t think that the dishwasher is working.” “Oh,” I replied. “What makes you think that,” I said. “The dishes don’t look washed,” was her rational reply. “I think you need to fix it.”

Editor’s note: In today’s world of equality, why is it assumed that males are magically endowed with appliance repair knowledge?

I came into the kitchen for a visual inspection. “Yep, they still look dirty,” was my sage response. At this point, I would normally say that we needed to call a repair service. However, the dishwasher is around 10 years old, and I knew that a repair person would charge $150 just to come out. Any repair would likely be several hundred dollars more. In this COVID era, did I really want a stranger in my house, and did I want to spend $300 to have an old machine fixed? It was time to put on a metaphorical hard hat, assume my manly responsibilities, and attempt to fix the appliance myself.

I went to the fount of all knowledge, and I typed into YouTube’s search engine. “Whirlpool dishwasher not cleaning dishes.”. Up popped several videos with titles containing words like “Easy fix” and “Simple repair.” A chill went up my spine. I have gone down “Easy” and “Simple” paths in the past, and I have learned that these words are really code for “Difficult” and “Demoralizing.”

One Christmas, when my girls were small, we purchased an entire play kitchen whose box loudly proclaimed, “Easy assembly, only requires a common screwdriver.” The kitchen had a pretend oven, stove, microwave, and sink. There was a little counter and several cabinets for pretend food and plastic pots. I knew my kids would be thrilled on Christmas morning. 

It was Christmas Eve, and both Julie and I were involved with various tasks designed to ease Santa’s burden. By the time I got to the kitchen toy, it was well past 10 PM. I was tired and irritable. 

The panels that made up the “kitchen” were made of a molded plastic. The hollow kind that has a waxy candle smell. I scanned the incomprehensible instructions and started to snap Tab A into Slot B. The process was not smooth. Some problems were due to my fatigue and unwillingness to interpret Chinese English into English. I would accomplish one portion of the assembly to discover that I needed to do something else first. Also, the kitchen had at least 100 stickers that had to be precisely placed. Despite all effort, I found that I was putting some stickers in the wrong spots and placing them askew in others. However, this was the least of my problems. The various panels that made up the kitchen’s structure simply would not snap together. In fact, two were almost ¼ inch off. I pushed, swore, and pushed some more. I tried banging the large panels with a hardcover dictionary and even incorporated Julie’s muscle help. It was now well past midnight, and I was in a panic. This was their major gift, and it lay in ruin on our family room floor. I felt wholly inadequate as a father. I couldn’t put together a simple toy that proclaimed that it was easy to assemble. I was a failure.

I was physically agitated, my heart was pounding, and I was sweating. I needed to calm myself. I leaned back in my Lazyboy and popped up its footrest. I closed my eyes and meditated to calm my mind. My breathing started to slow, and my palpitations quieted. “Breath in through the nose, count to 5, exhale slowly from the mouth,” I repeated to myself. I took myself to a quiet place and opened my mind up to new possibilities. Immediately, an answer came to me, but it had to be the wrong answer. “Go into the garage and get your sledgehammer.” “What!” I thought. “Am I supposed to wack this piece of… with a sledgehammer? I’m not that angry!” 

I couldn’t run to the store and buy a new present, it was the middle of the night. “What good is all of this meditation if all I can come up with is a ridiculous solution. Universe, give me another answer!” “Get the sledgehammer” was my reply. “You win, but I’m blaming you when my kids are crying tomorrow morning!” I informed the little thought in my head.

I had Julie hold the two offending panels, and I made sure that she was as far as possible from my intended point of impact. I tried a few light taps, nothing happened. I focused again on the target zone. I drew out my arm, and with both energy and intent, I swung the hammer. I momentarily closed my eyes… I didn’t want to see the toy shattered and destroyed. CRACK! And click, the two errant panels mated. The hammer worked! I completed the rest of the job feeling a combination of exhaustion and exhilaration.  

My kids played with that “kitchen” for many years, and they have served me countless plastic donuts and pretend cups of coffee that were heated to perfection on decal burners. The kitchen was one of their favorite toys of all time. However, the build experience left an indelible stain on the words “Easy” and “Simple.” 

You can now understand why I shuttered when I saw those mocking words on the YouTube videos. But what choice did I have? I had to submit myself; like Princess Leia’s plea was to Obi-Wan, YouTube was my only hope.

The first video told me what to do but didn’t show me how to do it. “Remove the plastic retaining clips,” it commanded. I wondered, “But how?” The second video was more explicit but just made me more confused. “Use your number 20 star driver to release the filter assembly.” To me, screwdrivers only come in two forms, flathead and Phillips. I went digging through my little toolbox and came up with some bits that I thought would fit. Amazingly, I had bought a generic set that had the required star driver. “Victory is mine!” I erroneously thought.

With my MacBook propped up on the kitchen table, I approached the dishwasher and faced another realization. All of the videos that I watched had a freestanding dishwasher, and some even had the door removed. My dishwasher was stuck in the crook of our L shaped counter, which allowed access only from the right side. Just placing my screwdriver required the flexibility of a 14-year-old Olympic-level gymnast. I conjured up ideas of me wearing a Speedo as I attacked the dishwasher’s screws. I quickly and permanently put those thoughts out of my mind. I stretched, made a lot of manly grunting sounds, and stretched some more. I was able to reach the two screws that attach the dishwasher’s pump to the upper sprayer with effort.

Rats, they were not “star tips”; they appeared to be rectangular. I dug into my bit collection and found another bit, and with more grunting (and a little colored language), I removed them. I twisted the column ¼ turn and pulled it out of the dishwasher. This revealed the 4 star screws that held the filter assembly in place. I removed those screws and pried the unit from the dishwasher. With a little more banging and swearing, I was able to dislodge the actual filter from the unit for a close inspection. There was a little grease on the filter, but it didn’t look too bad. I washed it off with dishwashing detergent and started the reassembly process. This time I employed the help of my son William to re-screw the upper sprayer water supply tube. His youth gave him a flexibility advantage.  

I found some dirty dishes-an an easy task in our house and loaded them into my newly fixed machine. I dropped in a little packet of detergent, pressed “Normal Cycle,” and hit start. The dishwasher sprang into action, and I could hear the sound of water churning in its chamber. I checked the results an hour later with hopeful anticipation and discovered… That the cups were as dirty as they were when I placed them inside. “Crap and double crap!” I muttered to myself. After a little investigation, I discovered that water was not getting up the mid and top-level sprayers. It was time to revisit YouTube.

Several videos later, I determined that the likely problem was a defective “food chopper,” a part of the dishwasher that chops larger bits of food into ones that can be flushed down the drain. This repair would require going to a level deeper than my “filter clean.”. By now, I was committed and convinced myself that I could tackle this new level of complexity. I logged into Amazon and ordered the chopper assembly for a reasonable $11. I also purchased a real set of screwdrivers for another $35. “The right tool for the right job,” I said to myself. Secretly, I was hoping that the shipment would be delayed.

Two days later, the part and the new screwdrivers arrived. My Kathryn informed me that Julie told her to tell me that the dishwasher needed to be fixed. In a world of email, texting, and FaceTime, we can still practice indirect communication at our home. “Well, then you are going to help me,” I informed Kathryn. “Sure,” was her reply.

The food chopper repair starts with the removal of the same parts as in the filter cleaning job. I approached this portion of the project with the hubris that came from my earlier disassembly successes. The next stage was more challenging but still within my skill level. I removed the plastic housing around the food chopper and pulled out the part. Holy cow, this had to be the problem. The chopper blade was frozen, and there was at least a quarter-inch of super disgusting greasy slime plugging the blade’s mesh plate. No water could get past that mess.

I made the repair, this time utilizing Kathryn to screw in the upper rack feed tube. In went dirty dishes; I programmed in a wash cycle and pressed the start button. After about 30 seconds, I heard the machine fill with water-a hopeful sound. Then it happened… the sound. A sound similar to that of a 747 taking off from 10 feet away. I looked at Kathryn, and Kathryn looked at me. We both raised our eyebrows. “Maybe the chopper needs to work its way in,” I said hopefully. But the sound didn’t go away; in fact, it seemed to get louder. At one point, I thought that the dishwasher was going to take off. “Crap!” I thought. I hit the cancel button to drain the machine.

I pushed down the door, removed the dirty dishes and the racks, disassembled the washers innards, and examined my installation. Honestly, it looked just like it should-at least it looked like the YouTube example. I pondered my options and called on my past experience. I reached up to the counter and located my little tool kit. I felt around until I found it. Yes, this is what I needed… a hammer. I took aim and gave the chopper assembly a good wack. I heard a “click.” Having disassembled and reassembled the unit 6 times, the reassembly job went quickly. I put my dirty dishes back in the machine, pressed buttons, and hoped for the best.

I heard the water enter, then a relay clicked. I held my breath in anticipation. Joy of joys, the 747 had left the runway, and I was greeted with the sweet, sweet sound of my dishwasher humming. I patted myself on the back for my mechanical expertise and felt very manly indeed. It was fixed!

They say that if all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. How true, and in this case, I “nailed” the repair with a hammer. From plastic play kitchens to large kitchen appliances, never doubt the power of a blunt object.

Peace to you, and Merry Christmas!

Mike

This is a real screenshot from one of the videos that I watched. What kind of sick person says this and then tortures me!
I could only approach the dishwasher from its right side.
The base of the dishwasher with many of its innards removed.
Excited about my new deluxe screwdriver set. It’s magnetic, a choice made after I dropped several screws into the washer’s guts.
Watching YouTube videos for guidance. You can see the new food chopper assembly on the right.
Here is the old chopper assembly. It was frozen and thick with disgusting gunk.
Changing Christmas, Christmas newsletters, Christmas Past

The End Of An Era For Me?

Everyone has an opinion of these iconic fixtures of Christmas.  When I was younger, they had a negative reputation, but I never saw them that way.  What am I talking about?  The Christmas newsletter.

Most of us have memories of families who would create a story so fantastic that their lives glowed brighter than the sun.  Some of us have remembrances of tragic letters filled with negatives that left a sour taste in our mouths for days.  However, I feel that these extreme correspondences are the outliers.  The vast majority of Christmas newsletters are vehicles of connection. They join us with a relative or friend and keep us abreast of the essential milestones in their lives.  

Take a person’s Facebook posts and combine them with the posts of other members of their immediate family.  Remove all of the junk, the reposts, the cartoons, and the lame jokes.  Get rid of the majority of the selfies, and add order and cohesion to the storyline.  Then condense all of that information into one or two typed pages.  If you are successful, you have created a Christmas newsletter.  An amazing document.

Julie’s family has farmers, and their newsletters would educate me about farm life.  I always looked forward to reading about their trials and triumphs. Newsletters allowed me to keep up with my college friends. They provided a summary of missed information from those for whom I had more regular content. Newsletter gave me a window into some of my cousin’s lives, individuals with whom I only connected once a year.

Those who send newsletters adopt their own styles. I have received half-sheets of copy paper roughly typed and without adornment. I have also gotten elaborate stories carefully margined onto fancy bordered linen.  Every newsletter has its own charm and purpose.

A newsletter shows effort on the sender’s level and provides a level of intimacy with the receiver.  This is in contrast with those who only send a signed card.  The only information that such an offering gives me is that a person can still sign and stamp.  

I have been writing a Christmas newsletter for around 30 years.  My initial interest in creating one had more to do with computers than it did with communications.  I was fascinated with the ability to do desktop publishing, and I was in the practice of creating brochures and other items for my medical group, Genesis Clinical Services. Initially, the Christmas newsletter was an extension of that interest.  For me, it was the perfect “modern” vehicle to connect with those with whom I wanted to stay in touch but was remiss.

I always structured my newsletter with three main categories.  Naturally, there would be news of the year.  This was standard newsletter fare.  Highlights, trips, illnesses, successes, and failures.  I wanted the story to be readable and engaging instead of a bulleted list of pros and cons.  I always included at least one family photo.  Lastly, I would provide a recipe that my family made and enjoyed.  This last part was a way to share something of value with my friends and family.  Think of the recipes as e-cookies or an e-casserole. In my Eastern European tradition, food is love.

Over the years, I have made many equipment purchases for the Christmas newsletter.  I bought my first laser printer and my first color laser printer specifically to produce a better product.  My first home scanner was bought to scan photos for the newsletter, as was my first-ever digital camera, a $750 Kodak model that could record a photo in VGA resolution (a tiny 0.3 megapixels).  That mid-1990s camera catapulted me into the world of digital photography, a passion that continues to this very day.

Over the years, the Christmas correspondence scene has changed, or at least it has changed for our household. Every year we get fewer cards and even fewer newsletters.  The majority of cards that we receive arrive after we send out our newsletter. I have never been sure if the sender’s lateness was due to procrastination or social reciprocation.  In other words, they sent us a card because we sent them one.

For years I have asked myself if I wanted to continue the practice of sending out 80-90 newsletters at Christmas.  The cost has been a consideration since I have professionally printed them for the last few years.  Time is also a factor, as every newsletter requires many individual steps. I have to chronicle the yearly events of 5 people in less than two pages, come up with a recipe, and find (or take) a photo or two. I have to coordinate this information with Julie, who also serves as my chief proofreader. Despite all efforts, I usually find a typo in my final product-not surprising as I have dyslexia, but embarrassing none-the-less. 

The creation of the Christmas newsletter has remained important to me, but not for the obvious reasons.  The newsletter has become a summary of my family’s history, and a copy goes into our Christmas book. This is the most important reason why I will continue to write the newsletter.  It is the same reason why I write this blog. I want those who come after me to know me as a real person, not just a faded image on an ink-jet printed photo.  I want the generations that follow mine to understand our family and see its members as individuals who had real lives.  So often, I look at an old family photograph and ask, “What was this person really like? What did they have a passion for? What made them angry? What made them happy?  How am I like them? How am I different?” A picture can be worth a thousand words if properly executed.  However, most snapshots provide only the smallest window into the past.

It has become less relevant to send a physical copy of the newsletter over the last few years.  I can publish it on Facebook or email it instead.  Yes, there are a few folks where those types of communications are not possible, but in most cases, it is clear that they have little interest in catching up with the Kunas of Kunaland.

This year I finally cut the cord with snail mail. I wrote and formatted the letter and posted it on Facebook, and sent a few select emails.  This simplification was a relief.  I didn’t have to go to Staples, or get confused with how to mail-merge labels, or coerce my kids into stuffing and stamping envelopes.  Those friends who want to catch up on our lives can; those who would prefer to scan past the post are welcome to do that too. I’ll print up a couple copies for our Christmas book and a few for Julie to send to specific people.  My plan is to continue my newsletter writing into the future, but gone are the days of stamp and stuff. 

I don’t see this year as the end of an era; I see it as the beginning of something new.  Times change, and it is OK to change with them.

Merry Christmas to you.  Peace on earth, goodwill to all.

Mike   

Changing Christmas, Christmas Past, COVID Christmas

It Won’t Be A Norman Rockwell Christmas

Christmas is coming, but it won’t be a Normal Rockwell Christmas this year. Let’s be honest, Christmas has never been a Norman Rockwell Christmas, as that day is only a construct in an American illustrator’s mind.

It seems like we fall into two Christmas camps.  Those who recall stories of disappointed children and drunken uncles, and those who try to create Christmas magic- sometimes by overbuying, overdecorating, and overeating.  Before you think that I’m a cynical scrooge, I am here to proclaim that I’m not.  But you will need to read further to understand where I’m coming from.

December 25 is a day that has been co-opted over the millennium to serve the needs of a variety of distinct groups.  Christians would tell you that it is the day that the Christ was born. However, any informed Bible scholar will admit that Jesus came into the world in the spring.  Early Christians appropriated December 25 as it coincided with the pagan festival day that celebrated the sun’s birth (not Son).  

The Christmas tree was borrowed from pagan traditions as well and dates back to Egyptian and Roman times.  Evergreens reminded the ancients that spring would come. 

The concept of Santa Claus references the real Nicholas de Myra (St. Nicholas).  A monk who lived around 280 AD. His kind acts to others catapulted him to become the patron saint of children.  His birthday is in March, but he is celebrated on December 6 (St. Nicholas Day) by many European cultures.  Through literature, movies, and advertising, he was bound to Christmas Day and renamed Santa Claus.  His new significance lies in his ability to sell products (gifts) more than anything else. 

Advertisers are always looking for ways to increase sales. One way to do this is to introduce a new character or tradition on top of an existing holiday or event.  These efforts continue to this very day.   Carol Aebersold’s household spy, “The Elf on the Shelf” is a successful product born out of a childhood memory. Kentucky Fried Chicken has had phenomenal success in promoting KFC chicken on Christmas Day in Japan.  Their efforts are more remarkable as Japan is not a Christian country. 

Other “traditions” abound, including lavish lights and outside decorations.  Every corporation gets on the Christmas bandwagon with their products.  A walk through my neighborhood revealed not only dazzling light displays but also Christmasfied objects from companies ranging from Volkswagen to Disney. Nothing says Christmas like an AT-AT wearing a Santa hat.  

If you are Jewish, there is also a place for you at the Christmas table. You can erect a Hanukah bush instead of a Christmas tree and adorn your house with blue lights in place of the traditional white ones.  

Christmas has always been a day to sell.  In its earliest incarnation, it was designed to sell Christianity to pagans (by tying Christ’s birth with one of their holidays); more recently, it is used to push consumers to buy things that they don’t need or can’t afford.  They are manipulated to feel shame when they can’t give their kids the products that they see on TV, or when they can’t create a day as magical as what they witnessed in a Hallmark movie.  

Advertisers sell by creating a problem and then offering a solution.  The bigger the problem, the more expensive the solution.  In the past, a new pair of boots could be an excellent Christmas gift; now, it is a new car or a fabulous holiday vacation.

By now, you are likely thinking that I’m not Scrooge; instead, I’m Satan.  An evil entity who wants to take Christ out of Christmas by being so cynical of one of the most important Christian holidays.  Stand down; that is not the case at all.  My point is that December 25 is just a marker, a moment in time that can be used as we see fit.  It can be a day to celebrate the birth of Jesus, or a day to gather as a family, or a day to sell fruitcakes and game consoles-or all of the above.  Since this day is a synthetic fabrication, we don’t have to attach preconceived ideas of how we have to experience it.  We have the right to use it as we see fit.

Our family considers it a Christian holiday, and we use December 25 as a way to celebrate the birth of Jesus.  It is a day to reflect on the meaning of Christianity.  For me, Jesus’s message has never been one of damnation or exclusion. Instead, it has always been one of redemption, acceptance, forgiveness, inclusion, and love. He may have come to us in March, but I’m OK telling him Happy Birthday in December.  

Our family usually celebrates many traditions during this time.  We play holiday music, we bake cookies, we sing carols.  Mostly, we try to let those close to us know that we love them. We typically socialize more and go to a variety of Christmas get-togethers.  Those won’t be happening this year for obvious COVID reasons.  This saddens me, but it upsets my wife more.  We have traveled to Minnesota to see her family every year since 1992, and it has been a time for her to reconnect. A ZOOM call is a poor substitute for game playing, conversations, and her mother’s Christmas cookies. 

I talk to my sisters daily.  They are very close to their children, but they won’t see them this Christmas.  Both of my sisters won’t put a tree up this year, “What’s the point?” they tell me.  

I’m here to tell them that there is a point.  No, I’m not telling them that they need to put up a tree- remember that it is just a construct.  However, I am telling them that there is a point.

I told you what Christmas means to me; no one or no virus can take that away.  In some ways, COVID can give me a better Christmas.  This year we set up our tree as a family.  It is an old artificial one that is missing a few branches.  We conceal its shortcomings in the traditional way, by hiding them against the wall.  By doing so, we emphasize the tree’s positives, and we negate its negatives. (a point made here).

Julie put on some of her Christmas CDs (yes, we still have CDs) and we all fluffed and assembled the tree. We then went around the house, putting up our other decorations.  Most have been used for decades.  However, there are always one or two new items coming in and a similar number going out.  This year, I printed a smiling photo of Mercury the cat to be used as the insert on her Christmas stocking holder. I also did one of my kids for a photo holding ornament that we found in our ornament box.  

Our tree is decorated with memories, and we all relish the thoughts that each object brings.  There are many ornaments made by the kids through the years, some with a little photo.  There are ornament gifts from past “tree trimming parties” that we held for so many years.  We have other ornaments gifted by friends, and some that are so ridiculous that we had to buy them; a bronzed “Q” from Star Trek and a light-up Mustang convertible comes to mind.  Some of my favorites are those given to me by patients-a mouse dressed up as a doctor or a handmade Christmas stocking ornament with real pills glued on the red felt sock.  We laugh, gasp, and remember.  Our tree will never win a decorator’s prize- but it is highly prized by us.

We emphasize kindness during this time.  Yesterday I heard a little knock on my bedroom door, it was my daughter, Grace.  In her hand was a napkin, and on the napkin were some warm cookies.  My sister Carol had reminded me about CPS (Chicago Public Schools) butter cookies, and I had mentioned that memory to my kids. The cookies are simple, made from only four ingredients, but they are delicious.  

I attended kindergarten and 1st grade at a CPS school and have fond memories of snack time when a few pennies could buy a little glass bottle of chocolate milk and a cookie.  Grace wanted to surprise me and made me some.  A pure act of kindness.  

This Christmas Day, we will do some of our usual activities.  We will read the Christmas story from Luke, or do we do Matthew’s version? -As always, I will need to rely on Julie’s better Bible knowledge to sort that out. We will eat special foods, and open the gifts that we bought each other.  It will be a low-key day, but hopefully, one filled with love.  Love and kindness are free, but I believe they are much more valuable than any bought thing.  It surprises me that many people are afraid to express either emotion as if they indicate weakness rather than strength.  

I suspect that the day will end without a lightning bolt from heaven or a divine revelation.  However, that is not to say that it won’t be a memorable and significant day.  It will be those things because we will make it so. 

Dear reader, I hope you can find some peace, a bit of happiness, and perhaps a dollop of joy in this holiday season. Please focus on what you have, and turn your Christmas into what you need it to be.  Try to find the positives in your situation instead of wasting energy on what you don’t have or reliving sad thoughts from the past. December 25 is just a day that we have designated to be unique.  We have done this for different reasons, some a bit suspect.  However, we can take the good from that day and wrap it around ourselves.  We control our feelings, not an advertising agency, past memory, or unrealistic expectation.  

Peace

Mike   

Grace made me some CPS butter cookies. A pure act of kindness.

Here is the CPS butter cookie recipe, we used salted butter in ours.

Our old tree, its deficiencies hidden its beauty emphasized.
Our tree is filled with memories from the past. You can see the “pill sock” in this photo (far left).
A new memory made by my granddaughter.
I printed this up for Mercury the cat’s Christmas stocking holder. This will assure that Santa fills it with a cat friendly Christmas treat.
As an aside, not everything during the season has to be family oriented. How about taking a peaceful walk where you try to find the hidden beauty of winter?
family, Family and Covid-19, Family relationships, podcast listening, spending time with family

Serial

Grace asked me if I wanted to try it on the long drive from her Ohio college.  It is about a 5-hour trip, so I said, “Sure.” She said that she had heard good things, but was as naive about it as I was.

Grace was referring to an old podcast called “Serial.” To be more specific, she was referencing the first season of that show, which was streamed in 2015.  “Serial” hit the podcast world like a storm. It remains the most downloaded podcast ever produced. Naturally, we were years late to jump on the bandwagon.  It is common for me to find a great show or program years after the rest of the world has extolled its virtues.

Season One of “Serial” chronicles the case against Adnan Syed. He was convicted of murdering his former girlfriend, Hae Min Lee.  When the crime happened he was only 17 and an honor student at a tough Baltimore high school. 

The podcast is skillfully narrated by Sarah Koenig, who spent thousands of hours researching the case.  She has the gift of pulling you in one direction, then dragging you from that comfort zone.  One moment you are convinced that Adnan is innocent, then you are not so sure, then you think he is guilty.  This cycle repeats throughout the series. Clearly, Sarah is a master of the plot twist; her skill is more impressive as she is doing this sleight of hand with a real case that has a known outcome. I won’t spoil the story for you any further.  

We listened to the first 5 episodes on our trip, the 5th one ending as we pulled into the driveway.  Gracie said, “Dad, we can finish the series when we go on walks.” This sounded like a great idea. When Grace is home we often go on long walks together. 

Like many things in the Kuna household, we scheduled walk times.  Then, we would download a given episode on our iPhones, insert our earbuds, and head off on our hike.  Inevitably, we would hit glitches and have to re-synchronize our listening along the way.  We knew when we were off when one person was laughing or gasping, and the other walker had no idea why.  

These have been a different kind of walks for me.  The majority of the time, I’m a solo walker, but when I walk with someone, we converse.  I wasn’t sure about sharing a walk while isolating in an earbud cacoon.  In some ways, this seemed even too introverted for me. In reality, it is similar to watching a TV show with someone.  You are connected with them but differently.  We interact during our walks, and we talk about the show afterward. I would never want to give up regular walks, but I do enjoy the added pleasure of these enhanced hikes.  It feels like you are going to the movies.  You have to plan the event, and you must leave the house. When you return home you reprocess the experience.

Grace and I like to take different routes when we walk.  One day we may go downtown, the next day, we may venture into the forest preserves, and on another trip, we may meander to my friend Tom’s home. 

When we finished the series, Gracie asked me if I wanted to continue our walk and listens.  “Sure,” I said.  She picked another 2015 podcast, “Limetown.”  We just started this fictional series, which is more akin to a radio show from the past rather than an investigative documentary.  I love old radio shows that stretch my imagination, so I’m all in.

We are now accompanied by Will.  He has decided to join our “Walk and Listen” experience. We listened to the first episode of “Limetownm” which chronicles the disappearance of over 300 scientists from a utopian communal village. During this inaugural walk, we traveled into the forest preserves, then through a couple of neighborhoods.  Our altered path due to Will’s need to be back home for a ZOOM meeting of his research lab group.

I have been enjoying this new activity, and I mention it here to highlight the fact that there are new things that you can do during the pandemic.  Sometimes you can creatively come up with a brilliant new idea, or (as in this case) you can do a little remodel on a tried and true one. COVID is creating barriers, but the only thing that is imprisoning us is ourselves. 

Early in 2020, many felt that the pandemic would last for a few months.  We now know that this was folly.  I would urge each of you to expand your horizons in safe ways. “Walk and Listens” may not be your thing, but use our idea as a springboard for your own.  

Peace

Mike

Going on “Walk and Listens” with Gracie has been a lot of fun.
We like to take different routes on our walks, here we are meandering through a neighborhood.
At other times we like to take the River Walk to downtown.
Sometimes we walk in the opposite direction to the Forest Preserve.
Will has elected to join us on our latest podcast adventure.
family, Family relationships, family traditions, Holidays with family, spending time with family, Uncategorized

A Walk Down My Memory Lane

Christmas is approaching, but many of my family’s traditional get-togethers have been canceled. One of them is our cousin’s Christmas party called Droby Fest. For those who are uninformed, a Droby is a Slovak sausage made from various ground meats, rice, and potatoes. It is usually baked wrapped with bacon, and it was one of the classic dishes that my grandmother served on Christmas Eve.

As far as I know, Droby sausage can’t be bought; you make it. I have some less-than-fond childhood memories of turning a hand-cranked meat grinder for hours. Besides my past grinding torture, I love Droby and look forward to eating it every Christmas.

My cousin, Ken, took over the manufacturing of Droby for the Cousin Christmas party, which is a pot luck affair of salads, main dishes, and desserts. Droby Fest is one of several other cousin-wide get-togethers that were canceled in 2020. Others included the Kousin Kampout and the KFR (Kuna Family Reunion).

My cousin Kathy suggested that in place of Droby Fest we do a recipe exchange and ZOOM call. Somehow that morphed into my niece, Jeannine compiling all of the recipes into an on-line cookbook, which then became a family history/cookbook/photo album. As far as I know, Jeannine and my cousins Kathy and Kris have formed a committee to accomplish this monumental task.

I contributed a couple of recipes, but Jeannine also needed old photos. Unfortunately, most of my old pictures were on old computers… and we all know what happens to old computers. However, I remembered another option. Around 20 years ago I wanted to digitize old family photos, burn them on a CD, and give copies of that CD to my siblings. At that time, I also labeled names on the photos as I knew that pictures without identification would be useless to future generations.

All that I needed to do was to select the photos and email them to my niece. However, there were two problems.The first was finding the CD ROM that I burned 20 years ago. The second was finding a way to play a CD ROM since none of my current computers have a CD drive.

After some searching, I found the photo CD, and luckily Julie has a plug-and-play CD drive that she uses to watch old TV shows. I connected the drive to my MacBook, inserted the CD ROM, and held my breath. It loaded! However, there were no thumbnail images, so I had to manually click on every single file to view it. Since the process was a bit of a pain, I thought I would get some extra mileage for my efforts and post some of the photos here. Grab a cup of tea and come down my memory lane. These are common photos of a typical family, wholly unremarkable… and because of this, I find them charming. (but I may be biased)

Here are my grandparents on their wedding day. Both of them spoke only Slovak to me, and so my memories of them are limited. When my sister Carol introduced her Irish husband to them they were able to speak perfect English to him. I think their refusal to speak English to us kids was a pride thing… they were very proud of their culture.
Here is a photo of my mother’s mother. I never met her as she was long deceased before I was born. Sadly, there are no photos of my maternal grandfather in existence.
The Kuna’s first car! Quite a big deal. It looks like they are at the cemetery on Memorial Day. We would all go to the cemetery on that holiday and have a picnic. My mom would usually bring a big basket of friend chicken as well as a huge Tupperware of homemade potato salad. Naturally, she also brought desserts-usually cookies and cake squares. When I was a kid I thought it was perfectly normal to picnic at the cemetery. I actually looked forward to it!
Grandma and Grandpa Kuna. This photo looks so ethnic, don’t you think?
My dad. Apparently, he was so good looking that women would fake faint in church because they wanted him to carry them out (he was an usher). I know that this story sounds fantastic, but I have had it confirmed from multiple sources.
My mom as a young girl. My mother was a product of the 1920s. She saw her role only as a wife and mother. With that said she was brilliant and extremely talented. She was very creative, a good artist, and an excellent writer. Her brothers (who were dismissive of girls) were shocked when she received the award for the most gifted student when she graduated.
My mom in a snow ball fight. She is far right.
I’m not sure what this photo is from, but my parents were styling. You have to love the 1920s fashion hat and dress. Many of my mom’s early photos show a gap in her front teeth. She apparently got the gap fixed because I have no memory of it.
My parent’s wedding day. My mother said she hated the photographer but felt forced to use him due to parental pressure.
Hamming it up on their wedding day.
Another shot of my mom. It looks like she is wearing church clothes. Church was very important to both of my parents, they said the rosary on their knees most nights.
My dad, second from the left. Here he is a fireman for CPS. He eventually became the chief operating engineer for one of the largest high schools in Chicago. I have always had a fascination with mechanical stuff. Unfortunately, my dad didn’t have a lot of interest in teaching me. This is probably one of the reasons that I went into science. No one in my family had a science background, so no one could criticize me.
Another shot of my father, as a fireman.
A later photo of my dad as a fireman. He is older in this picture (in his late 30s?). My father had a limited initial education but worked his way up the ladder to become successful in his career. He spent years in night school and eventually took classes at Amour College (which later became the Illinois Institute of Technology).
My siblings. My parents felt that they had a complete family in the 1940s, then 7 years later I came along in 1953. Surprise! Four is company, five is a crowd?
My mother, and two of my siblings. You have to love the 1940s style. I bet this was some sort of church activity.
Me in our old run-down bathroom. The toilet would spit at you when you flushed it. I’m glad that the photographer respected my modesty by skillfully shooting me above my waistline. By the way, it looks like we were using Ivory soap-it floats! Am I asking for the towel?
Me as a baby. Is that a crown on my head? I imagine that my mom is singing to me. I like this photo.
Me on top of our old Nash. The car originally belonged to my uncle Nick. I think he sold it to my dad for a “good price.” We acquired several cars that way. We only had one new car growing up-a 1965 Ford Custom (A stripped-down Galaxy).
Me with a baseball glove. This had to be a staged shot. I’m poorly coordinated and have no depth perception- I will never be a team’s MVP. I have never liked sports, I’m not good and I don’t like not being good at things. Go figure- Well actually, anyone who knows me well will agree with the above. I like doing things well.
I’m guessing that I’m around 3 years old here. I always have been interested in how things work, even then.
My sister Carol, likely her high school graduation photo. Every lady had a string of pearls in those days.
I love this photo. Apparently, no one can stop eating for a 30-second photo! Typical Kunas. The photo includes my family as well as my Godmother and her daughter Suzanne. Suzanne is now a retired biology professor. Also in the photo is my aunt Lill, I’m guessing that the little girl is my cousin, Mary Lynn. I’m not sure who my aunt Mary is holding. Her son, Rudy? Her nephew Stevie?
Santa and me. I would visit Santa at the Talman Saving and Loan on 55th street. Santa’s assistant took this Polaroid. I remember being absolutely fascinated with the fact that the photo developed “instantly.”
For Christmas that year I asked Santa for, “A device that can convert battery power into AC power.” I guess was asking for an inverter, but I didn’t even know that they existed. Instead, I got a battery-operated train. Skunked again. I’m holding the train’s battery box in this photo. When I asked my mom why Santa didn’t give me what I wanted she told me that sometimes Santa gets confused by my requests.
My parents with my sister, Nancy. It looks like she is going to some sort of formal dance. She is so young and pretty in this photo. I’m the kid who is still wearing his school uniform-I didn’t have a lot of clothes. The man behind me is my bachelor Uncle Nick. When I was in grade school I desperately wanted the electronics kit “101 electronic projects.” I begged, but my father said, “No way.” Uncle Nick heard me talking about the kit and gave my father the $29.95 to buy it. Nick didn’t want the credit, but when I profusely thanked my father he made sure to let me know that the kit wasn’t from him, but from my uncle. It was an incredibly kind thing for my uncle to do.
Bowser and me. My sister found Bowser as a puppy. She was running across the street and was almost killed. I absolutely loved Bowser. She would listen to my troubles and patiently comfort me when I was down. She was an awesome dog. She had to be put down when I was in college and I felt like I lost a true friend rather than a pet. It took me some time to get over the loss. Note the fishbowl. One sister (I won’t identify further) used it as an ashtray, killing my pet goldfish. She did say she was sorry.
I’m not sure how old I was in this school photo. Third grade?
Here I am sandwiched between my Godparents-Mary and Laddie (Ladislav)
Why do I look so awkward in this photo? Cousin Kris seems more in tune with the photo shoot. When we had parties my mother made everything from scratch. On rare occasions she would buy a decorated bakery cake. She did so for my first communion. I remember that it had a big chalice on it with a host sticking out of it. I was very impressed-and thought it was the best cake ever. In reality, my mom was a top-notch baker and could bake rings around any store bought cake.
Just one of those “booth photos.” I’m guessing I was in 7th or 8th grade at this time.
8th grade graduation photo-there is not that much more to say.
My sister Nancy was a very popular teen. She had the looks and the personality. She must have taken more than her share because sadly I didn’t have either.
Sometime in the 1960s. My parents with my brothers Tom and Dave. Tom passed away at 32 from cancer, and Dave passed away in his70s from a neurological condition. They look so young in this photo-so ready to tackle the world. I didn’t have a strong connection with my brothers, they were older than me and into their own things. However, I am more than fortunate to have great connections with my two sisters.
Family shot at my sister’s wedding. I’m third from the right with my head cut off. I was in high school at the time.
My brother Tom’s college graduation. I’m on the far left. Before the ceremony, a freak storm came and lightning hit the tree that I was standing under. It actually split the tree into two! I remember feeling the static-tingling feelings right before the tree cracked-thankfully I was OK.
This is the way that I remember my parents. I think my dad was 43 and my mom was 41 when I was born. My parents were often the oldest parents in my peer group. It always felt strange to have parents who seemed to be as old as some of my friend’s grandparents. So what did I do? Well, I was 48 when William was born!
High School Senior Photo. Everyone who sees this says I look angry… I was just trying to look serious! With that said, I didn’t like high school for a variety of reasons.
A photo of some of my college friends. I really loved college, both the hanging out part and the learning stuff part. In high school, I never wanted to act “too smart” as it could mean being targeted (I went to a really tough high school). In college, I decided that it was time to be true to myself. I took on my classes with zeal. Surprisingly, people still liked me even when I busted the curves! Yay!
I have know John for over 60 years, and his now wife Barb for 45. I last talked to John yesterday.
My mother died suddenly at 65. Shortly there after my father started to date my future step-mother, Lill.
I think this was in Dad/Lill’s basement. In the photo you can see my two sisters, and two of Carol’s kids. This is probably a party to celebrate something-I’m just not sure what.
I married my first wife, and we had my daughter Anne. The marriage eventually ended. Prior to being married I never wanted to have children. I think this was because my father constantly told me what a burden kids were. When Anne came along it was love at first sight. I changed my attitude about being a parent and saw it as a great gift. By the way, you may see Anne referred to as Anna-she went by a couple of different names over the years.
If you were cool in the day you had to have a kick-ass stereo system. It is uncertain how cool I was, but I did manage to put together a killer set of components. Around this time I became a lover of straight-ahead jazz… I still love jazz.
Here is my daughter, Anne (holding a My Little Pony) with my two Godchildren, Jeannine and Jenny. In between is little Wendy. She is now a senior VP for a major bank.
Northwestern University/Evanston Psychiatric Residency program. Somehow I managed to become chief resident of the residents. I’m standing in the back row, once again with part of my head cut off. This was a really nice group of people, very smart too!
Dad, Davie, Kathy, and Carol. At this point, I was divorced and living in this “garden” (ie basement) apartment in Skokie. I couldn’t afford to live in Evanston even though I was being paid extra to be chief resident. How much more? One hundred bucks a month-and a whole boatload of extra work. The apartment wasn’t too bad, but you had to learn to ignore the occasional rat screaming after it was caught in a snap trap.
Single Mike. I remember that I had to iron that shirt. I don’t think I had an ironing board and so I would lay towels on the kitchen table.
Single Mike a few years later. Wow, a Christmas theme outfit.
I had been divorced for quite a few years. Early on I had dated a lot of very nice women, but I just couldn’t see myself getting married again. Finally, I gave up dating altogether (it was too much work, and I hated upsetting people). I decided that I should just become a single person. I didn’t date for almost two years and I thought that I was happy during that time. Then I met Julie.
This is what happened next. You can also see Best Man, John, and Maid of Honor, Amy. In the front is Junior Bridesmaid-daughter Anne. This is the same “John” as the young guy 12 photos above.
Julie and daughter, Anne. They both had to adjust to one another, but it all worked out in the end.
Me and Kathryn. OMG, they grow up so fast.
Dr. Gracie with Grandma Avis.

Christmas 2000- Do you remember Y2K? The world was supposed to end when the clock struck midnight on January 1, 2000. Several prominent engineers and a few Fermi Lab scientists warned me about Y2K. I listened and bought cases of dehydrated food. Ten years later I tossed the cases out-and yes, I never heard the end of it.
I did other stuff to prepare for Y2K. I have been an avid radio DXer since childhood. However, I decided I needed to have the ability to transmit (communicate) if the phone lines were down. In 1999 I took the amateur licensing exam for the technician class, then I took the test for the general classification. By the end of the year, I passed the amateur extra licensing exam (the highest level) which allowed me to transmit on all amateur bands and modes. I over prepared-again.
One thing led to another. Here sisters Kathryn and Grace welcome brother William.
My in-laws, Bob and Avis were visiting in Naperville when William arrived. How great it was to have them around for that special event. We really needed them too, as I was spending time in the hospital with Julie while our two little girls were at home.
Anne in a glamor shot. These head shots were a big deal a few decades ago.
William. Note the sign in the lower left. The family was about to celebrate Father’s Day. I bet they made me mandarine orange cake, which is my favorite. You can never go wrong by adding Cool Whip to anything!
Teaching Will and Grace how to cook has been one of my great joys. I cook a lot of the meals at home, and more often than not Will, Grace, or Kathryn will help me. Actually, sometimes all three will be in the kitchen at the same time. I really love spending time with my kids.
Grace, Will, and Kathryn taken just this year. My babies are now adults. This makes me both very happy and very sad. However, I’m going with happy.
Grandson Seb.
Granddaughter Diana.
Family! I’m have gone a long way from never wanting kids. To me, my family is the most important and most significant part of my life. Never base your opinion on someone else’s opinion. My dad felt that kids were a burden, but I now know that they are really a joy. They are my most important accomplishment.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving 2020, Fear Yet Feeling Fortunate

Thanksgiving was altered this year, of course.  For over 25 years, we have hosted Julie’s family, who arrived from 4 states.  Bedlam would rule from Wednesday through Saturday with every bed, couch, and floor occupied.  It was the right kind of bedlam.  

Being a physician, I have been able to keep up with COVID research, and months ago, I knew that the holidays would be a difficult time.  I concluded that we could not responsibly host Thanksgiving this year. In October, I sent out a family-wide email to announce that fact.  This action was sad for me and hard for Julie.  

During the pandemic, I have lived a sheltered life.  Not an isolated experience, but a sheltered one.  I interact with Julie and my at-home daughter Kathryn, I see my friend Tom, plus a few other friends, and I phone and email a couple others.  I don’t feel lonely. I have adjusted to my new life, and I accept it.

Three of my children have resided outside our home during recent months. Two were away at college, and my oldest daughter lives with her family in central Illinois. My own children became my stress. They would be spending the holiday with us, each of them a potential virus vector. I was worried about my health.  I had a genuine fear that they could bring a coronavirus interloper back to Naperville. The thought that I was afraid of my own children gave me a sense of shame.  I can’t ignore reality.  It was what it was.  

My kids have all been responsible.  Both of my college kids have carefully adhered to their school’s COVID guidelines.  My oldest daughter and her family have also been compliant.  All of their actions have been consistent with safety.  Intellectually, this was comforting, but thinking and feeling are sometimes unrelated in my brain. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, a day dedicated to giving thanks.  I am most thankful for those who I love.  How sad that COVID could turn them into objects of fear.  

Last Saturday, I picked up my daughter from her university, an 11-hour round trip.  Thankfully, the normalcy of seeing her calmed some of my fears.  By the time we returned home, my son had arrived from his school; his presence also quieted me.  My oldest daughter Anne came on Thanksgiving day.  She made a point to tell me that she had just tested her family as a precaution for her trip.

My friend Tom is making his family’s Thanksgiving turkey, but his mother-in-law won’t be attending. My sister, Nancy didn’t host her usual dinner, but her daughter Shari dropped off complete meals for her and my brother-in-law, Mike.  My sister Carol also stayed home alone, but several of her kids brought dinner and treats to her.  The virus may have halted get-togethers, but it can’t stop love.

Each of my kids has their favorite Thanksgiving dish, so I couldn’t simplify our meal. However, one thing did change this Thanksgiving, my children.  They have always been helpful kids, but this year they became helpful adults.  Dinner prep became a family affair. Kathryn made the Jello “salad” and the mashed potatoes.  Grace baked and helped with various tasks.  William made the green bean casserole and the corn casserole. My wife, Julie, made the sweet potatoes, and I took care of the turkey, stuffing, and gravy.  

By the time I heard my oldest daughter’s car pull up, I was genuinely excited to see her and her family.  They seemed equally happy to be spending the day with us. 

Thanksgiving was filled with laughter, conversation, and too much food.  After we cleaned up the dinner dishes, we went on a walk.  The weather was clear, and the temperature was crisp.  I marveled at some of our neighbor’s Christmas decorations but didn’t feel the least guilty of my more simplistic plans.  

Anne and her family left for home. The rest of us settled into another Thanksgiving tradition, the viewing of Jean Shepard’s “A Christmas Story.”  I have seen this movie so many times that I can recite the actor’s lines with authority.  

In many ways, Thanksgiving was business as usual.  In many other ways, it was completely different. That is what this virus does; it modifies normal. 

A month from now, it will be Christmas.  Another family holiday altered by the coronavirus. This year our cousin celebration is canceled. Also, my nephew, Tommy, won’t host his Christmas Eve party.  

We always travel to Julie’s family in Minnesota during Christmas week. However, the Minnesota Christmas party will likely be shelved.   COVID cases will certainly increase between Thanksgiving and Christmas, making such a get-together foolhardy.  

The year 2020 will be as notable as the year 1918.  In many ways, we have advanced in 100 years.  But in many more ways, we have not.  Just like then, politics overruled logic.  Just like then, we had to fear those who we most love.  Just like then, our lives were placed on hold.  However, just like then, we will eventually move forward.  Life will go on, Thanksgiving dinners will be held, Christmases will be celebrated.  Yet, I believe that parts of our lives will be permanently altered.  Not all of those changes will be negative.

Many have rediscovered the simple pleasures of reading a book, playing a board game, and conversing.  Personally, I have gotten into the rhythm of cooking dinner with my kids regularly.  I am comfortable being with myself.  I am grateful for routine pleasures.  

I am focused on simplicity rather than excess.  I relish a sudsy hot shower, a walk with my kids, a Netflix movie with Julie, a cup of coffee with my friend, Tom.  

At the same time, I am saddened that Violet, the campervan, has been more idle this year, and my personal goal to photograph rural towns has been placed on hold.  I accept these losses, but I do so with grudging awareness that my adventure years have a finite expiration date.

Life is what you make it.  I refuse to put my life on hold, waiting for things to return to normal. Today I choose to make the most of what I have, and I will focus on that fact rather than on my losses.  I accept myself, flaws, and all.  As I love those around me, I will also love myself. I choose to be thankful. 

Happy Thanksgiving, dear reader.

Mike

We always have freshly baked cinnamon roles on Thanksgiving morning.
Kathryn made the mashed potatoes.
I made the turkey, dressing, and gravy.
Mercury the cat was incognito as soon as our guests arrived.
Grace and Mercury on Thanksgiving morning.
The kids love playing games.
This was the first year that we all could fit around a single table!
A classic Midwestern Thanksgiving dinner.
Yep, heart attack on a plate.
What to have, pumpkin or pecan?
Why not both?
Sebastion and super-girl Diana.
A ZOOM call to far-flung relatives.
On our walk we spied this…
Presidential election, presidential election 2020

What’s Going On With The Election?

A dear friend of mine was upset when Hillary Clinton lost the 2016 presidential election. My friend was convinced that Hillary was the best choice, and she was shocked that she wasn’t elected despite polling data that foretold that she was the clear leader. My friend believes to this day that the 2016 election was rigged. However, such a belief was never supported by the Clinton campaign or the Democratic Party.

Two weeks ago, Joe Biden won the 2020 presidential election and became the president-elect. Like Clinton, conspiracy theories have been flying about the illegitimacy of that election by the opposing party.

I was hanging out with my friend, Tom, at the townhome that he is renovating. As scheduled, a concrete truck pulled up, its cement barrel slowly spinning. We were getting ready to pour the basement floor that he had previously dug out. The cement truck’s driver was a friendly and chatty man. Within moments of his arrival, I knew that he was 62 years old, had two artificial knees, and was counting the days to his retirement. Without direction from me, he started to talk about the election. “I’m a Republican, and I like Republican policies. I don’t want to live in a socialist state. I think the election was rigged; ya know what I mean? How could Trump have so many votes in Pennsylvania and then have Biden take the lead overnight?”

Last weekend thousands of marchers descended on Washington to denounce the election results with the “Stop The Steal” March. This event was held with our current President’s support, who even made a guest appearance drive through, waving to the crowd. Recent tweets from Trump have stated, “I WON THE ELECTION,” and “I concede NOTHING!”

A few days ago, I scanned the AM radio dial and dipped into several conservative radio programs proclaiming the same thing, that the election had been stolen from the President. Their proclamations are contrary to overwhelming evidence that the election was fair. This rhetoric is not only being espoused by the President and these outlets but also by leaders in the Republican party.

High-level Republicans have either supported the idea of a “rigged” election or have refused to congratulate President-elect Biden on his victory. These same individuals have celebrated and acknowledged Republican victories from the same ballot. Backchannels reports that some Republican officials support Trump’s attempts to discredit the election simply because they want to appease him.

Dozens of lawsuits have been filed by the Trump administration, questioning the vote-counting validity in states where he lost. Most of these lawsuits have been summarily thrown out of court due to a complete lack of evidence. Despite this reality, Trump’s lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, talks about having incriminating evidence that he will reveal “soon.” A tactic that he has used in the past to drum up outrage. He has yet to support his claims. As I write this, several large law firms have dropped out of their efforts to defend the President, most likely to save their reputations.

As a bystander, these events seem surreal. As a citizen, they are frightening. All sound and credible sources have concluded that Joe Biden will be the next President of the United States. This is going to happen, so why has there been so much bluster to the contrary?

I don’t claim to know the inner thoughts of Donald Trump or the inner workings of the Republican Party, but each is likely working towards their own self-serving goals. Contrary to their statements, their actions are not supporting democracy; their actions are hurting democracy. So what possibly could be some of the reasons for their actions?

A significant concern for the Republican Party is the upcoming runoff Senate elections in Georgia. These types of elections tend to have less voter draw than presidential elections. A lower Republican voter turnout could favor the Democratic candidates, as Democrats have been mobilizing voters in that state. By beating the “Stop The Steal” drum, Republicans keep their base active and engaged. This could be beneficial for them in these two critical elections.

As far as Republican politicians are concerned, there appears to be a genuine fear of Donald Trump, who continues to bully and cajole them. Mr. Trump has a base of 70 million voters, and that is nothing to ignore. However, these politicians seem to have forgotten that their loyalty is supposed to be to the American people, not Donald Trump. Their sycophant behaviors will likely come back and bite them in the future. Mr. Trump has no problem throwing people under the bus when it suits his needs.

As far as Mr. Trump’s motivation is concerned, there are several possible explanations. He may believe that he can’t lose at anything. He was raised as a privileged child who got his way. His upbringing emphasized destroying the competition as normal behavior. His father rewarded winners and despised losers.

When he has failed at businesses in the past, he has been able to find a savior to rescue him or a loophole to protect him. This would be the first time that such options are unavailable to him, as his legal challenges seem more theater than anything else. The idea of losing appears to be anathema to him, as indicated by his retorts of regularly calling his enemies “losers.” The term “loser” has more significance to him than it would have to the general public.

It is also possible that Mr. Tump’s actions center on his desire to gain attention and be in the spotlight. A lame-duck president gets less notice than someone who is “fighting for the American way.” His “love of the crowd” is well known. His need to be praised may be heightened since he knows that someone else is about to gain his former limelight.

Beyond personality issues, Mr. Trump may be creating this crisis to further his own financial and power interests. If he can continue to control his base, he becomes an influence peddler who can make or break other politicians. In this scenario, he would become his own “group” no different than other power groups, like evangelical Christians.

He may be gearing up for a career after politics. He loves being in the media, and he has had success as a reality TV host. Keeping his following engaged could offer him ratings boost if he decides to launch his own TV show or “news” network. He has embraced conspiracy theories and fringe groups, and he would have a following among fellow believers. He is already making dismissive comments about his former ally, Fox News. This could signal a move to his own network or a show on more radical networks, like Newsmax. A video outlet that makes Fox News look progressive.

Unlike other presidents, Mr. Trump has retained control of his businesses and has significantly profited by merging the presidency with those enterprises. He has generated many millions by charging the US government for services and has benefited from other governments who have stayed at his properties. Leaving the presidency would limit this income stream.

Mr. Trump will have to deal with legal issues when he is no longer President, and many of these issues are not all pardonable by a presidential mandate. As President he is protected from prosecution, and it is to his legal advantage to continue to hold this office.

There are reasons for both the Republican Party and the President to question the election as it serves both of their needs. However, it does so at a high cost to the American people. Mr. Trump gained celebrity status by his name-calling style of divisive behavior. His popularity has motivated Republicans to vote not only for him but also for his political allies. However, his divisive actions have harmed the overall fabric of our democracy. A country divided can not stand, and this reality is even more evident during a national emergency, such as the COVID pandemic. At a time when we need a national message, none is being heard. Instead of looking for solutions, we continue to look at who to blame. The Chinese, the WHO, the Democrats, 5G cell towers, and the list goes on.

The country must move towards national solutions now, and it is imperative to transition to a new president in January smoothly. Every day lost could mean lost lives.

In some ways, I can forgive Mr. Trump for his actions, as they are wholly consistent with how he has conducted himself for his 74 years. We all knew what we were getting with him; some chose to turn away from reality as they embraced his promise of a great America. However, I have fewer kind feelings towards all of the other politicians who have latched onto his coattails for their power-hungry purposes. By doing so, they have placed their own needs first, which has sometimes placed the people’s needs last.

This is not to say that all Republicans are evil or that all Democrats are right. However, it does indicate that we cannot move forward as a democracy as long as our officials behave like spoiled five-year-olds who have to get their way.

I hope Mr. Biden can reach across the aisle and start a healing process. However, I’m fearful that the Senate he knew is a memory rather than a current reality. With that said, all pendulums swing, and at some point, our officials will likely move from a position of opposition to one of cooperation. This has happened when past emergencies have threatened our nation. However, this does not seem to be the case with the COVID pandemic- a disaster that impacts the nation’s health, economy, and international standing. I believe that this is the case because the pandemic was politicized. I hope that this polarization will change once Mr. Trump is out of the office. There are some indications that this metamorphosis may be occurring, as some Republican governors are changing their position of “individuals right to choose” to a more rational stance that emphasizes public health.

Trump’s bi-line of “Make America Great Again” is an idea that resonates with many. However, you can’t strengthen a country by blaming other nations and organizations for our failings. A resilient government needs to be healthy on the inside, and the only way to do that is to be inclusive and cooperative with all individuals. Eliminating or hampering entire groups weakens our country, as does a culture of divisiveness. To make America great again, we need to be doing the exact opposite of what we are currently doing. We need to even the playing field for all; political parties need to work together; leadership needs to role model and demonstrate appropriate behavior. We need to rely on experts instead of opinions when making decisions that impact millions.

Our waring political parties were present before 2016, the Trump administration just capitalized on this disharmony. If we continue to be divided, there will be no winners; we will all lose. January will come, but it will be business as usual if we haven’t learned our lesson.

A huge flag on our municipal center.
A past patriotic parade.
It is time to accept that the Democrats won the election.
personal growth, politics, presidential election 2020

On Being Arrogant, Walking, Making Amends, and Change

It’s 3 AM on election night, and I am awake. Julie rustles in bed, which signals that she is also up. I flip on our bedroom TV to check the election results with feelings of both anticipation and dread. Soon we are talking about the election, potential political outcomes, the state of the country, and the state of the world. Such discussions are best left for more awake times, and in a predictable way, our conversation turns from global events to the state of our relationship.

In previous posts, I have inferred that I never had a male role model growing up. The concept of what it is to be a man is something that I had to observe from third-party sources and personal experimentation. I determined my role as the ultimate defender of my family. I feel that it is my responsibility to make sure that they are loved and provided for. I take this commitment very seriously. I’m not sure where (or from whom) I got that idea, but it is firmly entrenched in my psyche.

As a child, I was not given a strong sense of self-worth at home. Conversely, I was given an inflated sense of self-worth in other settings. This was confusing to me. I was the kid that the nun said that God had plans for. I was the curve breaker on school exams, the unique thinker, the problem solver. These experiences have made me a leader rather than a follower—a decision-maker, rather than one who implements others’ proclamations. However, my early home life also had an impact on me. I can be overly sensitive. I have a soft underbelly. I need to be loved. I am happy with my personality and secure in my role. However, that doesn’t mean that I don’t have a few frayed edges.

Which brings me back to the election night and a complaint from Julie that I can be too self-assured, too confident, and (the zinger) arrogant. I have to admit that that last modifier shook me, as I don’t see myself as an arrogant person. I don’t see myself full of self-importance, and I don’t feel that I am superior to others. However, her critique suggested that others may see me in this way. That was disturbing to me.

Dear readers, I feel that there is a difference between decisiveness and arrogance. When I make a decision, I am confident in that decision. However, I am open to others’ opinions, and I am more than willing to change my position based on a compelling counterpoint. I consciously surround myself with smart people who also have strong opinions, and I believe that some of my best life decisions have been made by embracing their ideas. Unfortunately, this incorporation process happens internally in my head, and it is not necessarily telegraphed to the greater world.

In regards to Julie, I felt that I needed to make amends to her. I think she is an exceptionally bright person who has altered and guided my thinking in countless ways. I told her as much that night, but the episode made me think beyond our pillow talk. I wondered how many other people I valued saw me as arrogant and how that impression impacted how they interacted with me. I felt it was better for me to err on the side of asking for forgiveness rather than justifying my behavior.

It is now Sunday, at 6:30 AM, I get out of Violet the campervan and head up the long driveway to Ralph’s house. I have known Ralph for almost 30 years. I consider him a close and valued friend. I reach his front door, and it is already open. I hesitate, as I’m not sure what COVID protocol he is now following. I elect to open his storm door and shout, “Ralph, are you in there?” “Come on in,” was his reply.

Ralph and I have made deliberate efforts to get together since I retired. We go on long walks and eat breakfast together. I look forward to our meetings and leave them anticipating the next one.

We start our hike. We enter the Illinois Prairie Path, then walk through Lincoln Marsh, then through Wheaton’s stately homes. “Hey, Ralph, can I talk to you about something?” “Sure,” was his reply. I recite a truncated summary of my conversation with Julie. “Ralph, if in any way you have felt that I have acted arrogantly towards you, I want to make amends to you. I listen to you, and I value your sharp intellect and common sense. I am a confident person who believes in himself, but that doesn’t mean that I disregard your ideas.” I pause-pregnantly. “Mike, do you have terminal cancer or something?” Ralph asks seriously. “God, I hope not,” I reply.

Our conversation slides in a different direction, politics. We offer each other ideas on what has been driving this era of partisan sycophants. Ralph’s insights focus on the emotional side of partisanship. His approach is different than mine, and I enjoy thinking about this situation in a different way.

The first point that he makes concerns the concept of morals. A person’s beliefs form morals. Morals become established laws for an individual, and once baked in, they no longer require a high level of intellectual scrutiny. Instead, morals have a vital emotional component, and feelings determine right vs. wrong. To quote Ralph, “So some people have firm moral resolve that overrides all logic, and everything is based on moral judgment first, and that evidence is wrong. They believe that they are experts and therefore do not need other experts such as scientists because they are correct.”

This got me thinking of a couple of examples:

Example one
It is wrong to take another person’s life.
This is a moral belief that is almost universally accepted worldwide.

Example two
The only way to salvation is through Jesus Christ.
Sixty-five percent of Americans identify themselves as Christian. Therefore the maximum number of individuals in the US who would hold this belief is 65%. In Japan, the number of Christians is around 1%, so 99% of individuals would not believe this in that country.
I cite this example to illustrate how one belief can be firmly accepted in one region and almost wholly rejected in another.

Example three
Donald Trump is doing a great job.
According to Gallup Daily Tracking from October 27, 2020, 46% of Americans approved of Donald Trump.

Donald Trump is doing a terrible job.
According to the Rasmussen Report, November 4-8, 2020, 47% disapproved of Donald Trump.

Here we have an example where roughly half of the US population approves of, and half of the population disapproves of Donald Trump. Both opinions of the president are based on a firm belief either for or against him. By viewing these opposing beliefs as moral convictions, it becomes easier to see how polarization can occur. Each side defends their position while ignoring any evidence that is contrary to it.

Ralph also talked about the process of politicization. To quote Ralph again, “Others are highly politicalized, and they are very vocal and pushy about their beliefs. They expect others to see their side – they will only seek out their side because otherwise, they would have to compromise and be open to others – which means giving in – there is no compromise as compromise is defeat.” The significance here is once something is politicized, the option of compromise is eliminated. Politicalization turns political and non-political things into a contest that can only be resolved by destroying the opponent, who becomes the enemy.

I think of those individuals who get all of their news exclusively from conservative (Fox News) or progressive (CNN, MSNBC) outlets. They are comfortable with these skewed editorial opinions, as they are consistent with their politicized beliefs.

I started to talk about the election, then I did a little personal disclosure, and then I got political again. How is all of this connected? My intent in this post is to explore what makes us who we are and how what may seem like a positive trait (being confident) can be interpreted negatively (arrogant) by others. In my case, how do I stay true to myself while not offending others? I am not suddenly going to become passive, but I can make an effort to acknowledge others opinions clearly and directly. I also must make amends when my actions have hurt or disturbed someone, even if my actions were unintentional.

Things become more complicated when dealing with individuals who are driven by moral conviction and politicized ideation. These characteristics are based more on feelings, and therefore are less subject to a good counterpoint. When someone believes in something strongly, they will find individuals and situations that support their beliefs. Conversely, they will avoid or denigrate individuals who have opposing thoughts. This can make accepting new ideas difficult, as emotionally held beliefs are wired more deeply than those strictly intellectual.

As a country, we are roughly divided into polar opposite halves. How can we find any common ground? I believe that the best approach consists of an honest dialog between opposing sides. The goal of the dialogue is not to convert the other persons. Instead, it is to understand their point of view. I may like vanilla ice cream, but I can accept that your choice, chocolate, is good too- we can both be right.

Although we may have specific ideologies, many of our life goals are the same. As a society, we separate ourselves based on a few bullet points-such as our views on gay marriage or immigration policy, but we are more than bullet points. As a group, most of us want freedom, security, health, and the ability to pursue our dreams. We want a safe shelter and healthy food. We want our kids to have options. We want to determine our futures. We want an even playing field. We have much more in common than what we hold as differences.

A nation can’t move forward if rigid non-yielding ideologies fracture that country. However, with compromise and understanding, all things are possible. Remember that joining parts of a structure makes that structure stronger, not weaker.

Peace

Mike

Walking through beautiful Lincoln Marsh.

*Ralph told me that he gleaned some of his thoughts from the podcast, “The Hidden Brain.” He recommends that podcast.

COVID Halloween, Halloween, Making change in 2020, Vote

THE DEATH OF HALLOWEEN

Many traditions start by accident, and their significance has more to do with surrounding events than the actual behavior.  Somehow, these habits intertwine; random activities fuse into a cohesive bundle that becomes an entity onto itself.  And so it was with our Halloween celebrations.

It is now time to take you back to the early 1990s when I was a divorced father of one who was on a 2-year hiatus from dating.  A self-imposed break based on my experience that relationships were too much work and held the potential for too much pain. I had decided to establish a single life, and to do so with earnest enthusiasm. I bought a two-story Georgian, and with the help of my sister Carol, I decorated it.  It was a real home, not a motorcycle poster bachelor pad. I felt happy and at peace during those years. I could do what I wanted when I wanted to do it.  I didn’t have to worry about accidentally offending someone. No one was hurting me, and I was hurting no one. 

As in most things, there was a flip side to my happiness coin. I recall one Friday night where I was dealing with the agony of stomach flu.  “My God, I could die tonight, and no one would know or care until I didn’t show up for work.”  It was a sobering thought, but not of sufficient gravity to change my lifestyle.  That change would require a random meeting. 

As with many of my well-formed plans, my dating hiatus was about to alter. I had met someone at a work meeting, and I was starting to date her.  Her name was Julie, and she was leaving her job as clinical director of Mercy’s eating disorder program and transitioning into a Ph.D. candidate at UIC.  We had met during her last week at Mercy, and we had quickly become inseparable.  

The previous Christmas, my boss, Vince, had given me an enormous gift box from Niemen Marcus.  He said the present was a thank you because I had made him so much money that year.  The gold-wrapped cube was overflowing with every high-end delectable imaginable.  Of note, it also contained a jeroboam of Dom Perignon. 

I ate or gave away most of the treats, but I was at a loss about what to do with the Champagne. It sat in my refrigerator. 

Then Halloween arrived. I had bought an enormous amount of candy in preparation.  Mostly Hershey Bars, Kit Kats, and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. To be on the safe side, I also had an emergency bag of penny candy-jaw breakers, candy corn, and the like.  I didn’t want to run out of treats and seem cheap to my neighbors, so I had enough candy for two Halloweens.

Julie had agreed to come over to help me answer the door, and in return, I had promised her dinner.  I didn’t feel like cooking a meal, and she was agreeable to Chinese carry-out. In those days, we had a decent Chinese restaurant just around the corner.  I dialed up “Chan’s Kitchen” and placed an order.

I have to confess that I have little sophistication when it comes to alcohol.  However, I knew that Champagne didn’t age well, and my bottle had been sitting in the fridge for nearly a year.  I asked Julie if she would like a glass, and she said, “Yes.”  Beyond plastic water tumblers, my beverage glassware consisted of a few wine glasses. I put them into service and poured two generous glassfuls. I pushed one of them over to Julie, who was already heavily into the Mongolian Beef.  

We toasted “To Us” and quickly downed our first glasses.  Champagne is a tricky beverage for the naive and ill-informed.  For me, it tasted like a sour grape-flavored soda rather than a high alcohol content beverage. Julie felt similarly.  It was easy to drink… and we had so much left in the bottle. I poured another glass, then another.

The doorbell started to ring, and we elected that we would take turns answering the door.  It seemed like the kids’ costumes were getting ever cuter with each sip of the Champagne. Soon we were both rushing to greet the costume wearers.  I was now distributing handfuls of candy into each pillowcase and plastic pumpkin that was thrust before me.  It wasn’t long before I was giving handfuls of candy to the supervising parents that accompanied their charges. Everything and everyone seemed happy and magical… that is until I started to feel dizzy.  The dizziness progressed, and I began to feel sick. I had to keep both feet on the floor to prevent the room from spinning. Julie was feeling similarly. Luckily, by then, most of the trick-or-treat merriment had ended. 

Despite our mutual sickness, we look back on that day with fondness, and we have used it as a framework on which to build our Halloween traditions. From that point forward, we would celebrate Halloween by passing out candy and eating Chinese food.  However, we did exclude Champagne. The remembrance of my post-Dom headache insured that omission.

Our children came, and we had to adjust.  I would walk with them, and Julie would pass out candy at home.  We would still reflect on the amazing costumes we saw, and we always ate Chinese food for Halloween dinner.  That is until this year.

I have written a lot about modifying celebrations during this COVID crisis, and I think I have been successful in doing so for many of these events.  However, there was something different about this Halloween.  I didn’t want to reformulate the holiday; I wanted to ignore it.  I wanted it to be just another day.  

Julie said that the City of Naperville had published guidelines for Halloween, and they had a PDF printable poster that could be hung on the door to tell trick-or-treaters that you were not participating this year.  I asked Julie how she felt about canceling Halloween, and she was on board, so I printed up the sign and hung it on our front door. Scanning Facebook told me that others were taking a different approach and that they were readying to pass out candy. I started to feel guilty, but that guilt wasn’t enough for me to take down the sign.

At 3 PM, I was sitting in my study’s leather easy chair. Without invitation, Julie came in and sat in my desk chair.  Shortly afterward, my daughter Kathryn joined us and perched herself on my old oak rolltop desk.  Reflexively, we looked towards the room’s windows and onto the street beyond. The number of kids trick-or-treating was lower, but there was still a significant number of “hunter-gatherers.”  Some were solo; some were in surprisingly large groups.  Some had masks; others did not.  I can’t say what my “roommates” were feeling.  I’m unsure of what I was feeling.  The best descriptor would be one of being disconnected with an overlay of sadness.  I wanted the day to be over.

We had talked about ordering Chinese, but no one made an effort to pick up the phone.  Julie and I decided to watch a movie on Netflix, and Kathryn retreated to a book.  The day ended.

I’m a proactive person; I am a problem solver.  I can be criticized for having too optimistic of an attitude.  I can be accused of being too Pollyannaish.  I was none of the above this Halloween.  

For me, Halloween is the gateway celebration for the winter holidays.  This year we will not host Julie’s family for Thanksgiving.  We had been celebrating with them for over 27 years. With raging infectivity rates it is possible that we won’t be traveling to Minnesota to celebrate Christmas- a 28-year tradition.  I believe that my Halloween apathy is a symptom of the more significant loss of these events and that these losses represent the more significant loss of this last year.

It is difficult for me to be happy when COVID infectivity rates are approaching 100,000 individuals a day, and when our death count is moving past 230,000 human lives.  We are in a time when our leaders seem to have a greater ability to name-call than to lead.  When it is necessary to hide political beliefs, less you offend someone by just uttering the name of a candidate.  When selfishness supplants selflessness and the rule of power for the people has been replaced by a drive for power. Instead of moving towards equality, we seem to re-establish supremacy based on skin color and bank account balances. Instead of joining with other countries to work towards common goals, we choose to insult their leaders.  Instead of using our scientific and technical knowledge to move away from planet-killing fossil fuels, we deregulate industries and escalate our eventual climate demise. 

Is it any wonder that Halloween had little meaning for me this year?  In so many ways, I feel that we have lost more than the year 2020; we have lost a generation of progress by embracing a Lord of the Flies mentality.  

Golding published that novel in 1954 when I was one year old. How is it possible that we have moved backward? Why is it that self-serving values seem to trump a sense of community? How can we be so focused on short-term gain and so myopic when it comes to long-term solutions?

Halloween didn’t happen for me this year; Thanksgiving will be altered, Christmas may go missing.  I’m willing to mourn these holidays if such grieving somehow fuels movement towards a juster society. My voice is small, but it can become loud if added to a chorus of others.  Let us sing together for both ourselves and our children. 

Peace

Mike

Hardly welcoming.
Some made an effort to celebrate the day.
This neighbor posted the real horror of 2020.
Sam Cook recorded this in 1963, when I was 10 years old. Pop in some earbuds, turn up the volume, press play, close your eyes… listen.