In February 2024 this website crashed for no apparent reason. Despite using professionals at GoDaddy.com it was impossible to restore anything after October 2021 (over 100 posts). I do have many of those post in draft form (no final edit or photos) and I have decided to repost them in that manner. I apologize for typos and other errors. How do I feel about losing all of my original work? Life goes on.
Was I poor growing up? Yes! Wait, No! Honestly, I don’t know, but whichever I was, it may be helping me now.
Growing up in a Chicago bungalow, I didn’t have much.I often tell others that I grew up in a blue-collar household, but that isn’t exactly true. My father had worked his way up from a blue-collar job at CPS to becoming the chief operating engineer of one of its largest high schools. He made a good salary. However, money was always a struggle at home.
Our house was in disrepair and outdated. Our cheap furniture was falling apart, and we lived a very conservative life. We never went out to eat or went on expensive vacations. The only vacations that I remember were some camping trips. In that case, we borrowed an Army surplus tent from my Uncle Nick and traveled only 50 miles from our home. I had only one pair of pants during much of my freshman year in high school. I didn’t have any sort of a bedroom until I was in my teens.
My dad sat me down when I was finishing 8th grade and told me that I had to attend our local and dangerous public high school despite the fact that teachers told him I was gifted. Likewise, I was told that I had to attend a junior college even though education was a strong emphasis in our family.
The reason for our lack of money was always “medical bills.” Yet, my dad had excellent union-level health insurance. My mother suffered from diabetes, so I suppose that that was a financial drain, but I was never taken to the doctor and finally used my own earnings to get my teeth filled when I was 18.
I am writing the above not to incur sympathy but rather to set the stage and emphasize a theme. Things are not good or bad; they just are. It is how we approach our life experiences that matters.
Over the years, I have become a success. I’m not bragging; I think most who would look at my accomplishments would agree. I became an adult during a time of consumerism in America, which helped fuel my obsessive need to compare things. I love doing creative work, and one of my passions is photography. If I wanted a particular camera, I would buy it, so I have a number of cameras. This comparison compulsion goes beyond photography equipment. For instance, I have three stand mixers. I’ll stop revealing my purchase history so I don’t appear completely crazy to you, dear reader; you get the point. Does having those things make me happy? Yes! Does having a bunch of stuff also stress me? Yes! Things are neither good nor bad; they just are.
Over the last few years, my purchasing has slowed, and my willingness to spend money frivolously has been curtailed. There are a number of reasons for this change. I have a fixed income now that I’m retired. Three of my four adult children have returned home as they pursue adult life and more advanced degrees. And the economy; this last point is the most impactful to my current situation.
The prices of everything are almost unbelievable to me. Despite my above buying confession, I have been conservative in my spending, so the hounds are not at my door, but I genuinely wonder how many are surviving during this period of escalation.
Years ago, it was common to take my family out to dinner, often weekly. Not anymore. Taking Julie out to a very average breakfast can cost $55 with a tip. My family recently went to dinner at a local restaurant to celebrate a major achievement of my daughter’s. We ordered the cheapest bottle of wine on the menu. Three of us had small portioned pasta dishes with no sides or salads. One ordered a burger, and one ordered an appetizer as her meal. In addition, we ordered a single appetizer for the table. The bill with tip was $240. My sister recently went to an average restaurant and ordered meatloaf. It came with instant potatoes and canned gravy. There were no sides. Her bill, including tip, was $35. My friend, Tom, ordered a carrot cake from a restaurant chain (famous for cheesecakes). He went into the store, and they handed him the cake, which was $75 with a suggested 20-25% tip. That is almost $100 for a 10″ cake! Now there is a “suggested tip” when someone hands you an overpriced ice cream cone or frosted donut.
The first condo that I bought was 29K. It had two bedrooms, its own laundry room, and a balcony. What could you buy for that price now? My friend recently bought a pickup truck that cost well over $100,000.00. I took my car in for minor repairs, which were not only exorbitant, but they also tacked on a random “service charge.” There was a time when repairing an old car made sense. Now you have to think about it, but what are the options when new cars are so expensive?
Package sizes are shrinking while grocery prices continue to go up. I went to Costco to buy groceries and left with a bill that exceeded $450. I’ll still need to go to a “regular” grocery store to buy the things that Costco doesn’t stock.
We will stay at a hotel when we visit Julie’s family over Christmas. Julie made the reservations, so I don’t know the cost. However, I know that a mid-level hotel has become very expensive over the last few years.
I could rant about other costs, like gas prices, but you get the point. The cost of a former average lifestyle is now beyond what many can afford.
We have grown up with the expectation of plenty. Some of the first YouTube videos that I made centered around practical things like packing a lunch and setting up a simple kitchen. Those videos were directed to recently divorced men that I was seeing in my practice. They were used to spending without thinking. Now, they couldn’t afford to eat out every meal but didn’t have the skills to make their own food.
Growing up the way that I did has made me comfortable with changing my spending patterns. Years ago, we dramatically reduced restaurant visits, and we now almost always cook at home. I have made the transition back to the 1960s when casserole meals were king. Additionally, I’m now making more meatless meals and shopping “the sales” when I go grocery shopping (the Costco trip was an aberration).
I’m trying to fix household appliances instead of buying a new one. I’m trying to extend the life of our cars. I’m conscious of costs when on vacation. I clean our house instead of paying someone to do it. I concoct my own household cleaning chemicals that are environmentally friendly while being more economical instead of buying overpriced cleansers.
Could I lead a more extravagant lifestyle if I wanted to? I suppose I could, but my current lifestyle doesn’t feel like a hardship. I have everything that I want or need. I’m not going hungry. My kids continue to have our emotional and economic support as they advance into adulthood. I find many things that make me happy. I am enjoying life. I don’t have FOMO.
Part of the reason for the above paragraph is that I grew up with less, and that taught me how to live with less. I don’t want to appear Pollyannaish when it comes to the escalating cost of life. I know that there are many whose life situation is so dire that dealing with an inflationary economy isn’t an exercise in frugality; it is life-crushing. I don’t have a solution for those poor souls.
However, for others, there are many options and perhaps even a silver lining. Our economy has been structured on a consumer model. We don’t manufacture as much as we used to. Instead, our economy has become a service economy that can only be fueled by having people use services and buy products. We have been taught that last year’s clothing fashion is unacceptable. That we need to redecorate our homes every three years. That we will be judged by the expense of the cars that we drive. That we deserve to go on exotic vacations. We have been told that if we follow these rules, we will be happy. Unfortunately, the opposite is often the case. These spending commandments were not established by psychologists or psychiatrists; they were established by economists and industry. Those folks see profit as their guiding light, not other’s happiness.
For many, this has led to extending themselves past their means. They are trapped by debt. Excessive mortgages, car loans, payment plans, credit cards. They spend excessively on things that promise but don’t deliver a higher quality of life. They have been programmed to believe that they must acquire expensive “experiences” to be happy. They have been led to believe that they can no longer learn on their own. They need to hire an expert to teach us how to bake a cake or organize a closet. All of these things fuel our economy, but they don’t necessarily make lives any better.
Half of my career had been spent working with the underserved. However, the other half had been working with the privileged. These folks had everything on the surface. They could buy anything, go anywhere, do anything. Many were very unhappy. They took the consumerism pill, but it didn’t give the cure of fulfillment that it promised.
I have talked in the past about the importance of connection with others. This means different things to different people. However, people who are connected with others in a healthy way live longer and happier lives.
Another aspect of happiness that I would like to highlight is a person’s core needs. We all have basic parts of our lives that satisfy us. Those parts can be different for different individuals. Once you understand your core needs, it is possible to find ways to satisfy them. One of mine is to be creative, another is to learn, and another is to teach. I can be creative in an endless variety of ways, from cooking dinner for my family, to writing, to coming up with novel solutions to things. Likewise, there are learning opportunities everywhere, as there are opportunities for me to pass on information to others.
Yes, I did the above in my former doctor role, but I also can achieve these goals in my retirement life. For instance, I can encourage non-cooks to cook by posting simple recipes on my Facebook page. I can learn about any obscure topic that interests me by opening my computer. I can help others to view things differently by writing this blog.
It makes sense to discover those core things that lead to life’s satisfaction. To start, I would suggest reflecting on events and situations that made you feel happy and fulfilled. Then strip the situations down to their basic elements. It is through this exercise that you can find the core things that satisfy and fulfill your life.
As economic times stress us, it can be easy to say that these are bad times. However, they can be good times. We can use these stresses to move us in new directions. Things are neither good nor bad. They just are. It is what we do with them that matters.
Mike