We have a holiday tradition at Kunaland; our appliances seem to break down, and this year was no exception.
When I moved into my home over 35 years ago, the previous owners left a fridge and a stove. After I bit, I updated both to fancy stainless steel versions and placed the original appliances in the basement. They served us well there, especially the fridge, which was constantly plugged in and used as our grocery overflow center. It stopped cooling a few months ago, and sat dormant. My initial plan was to become more conservative and live with one fridge. However, the sacrifice never got easier. With Thanksgiving on the horizon, I contacted my appliance repair man, who gave me various tips as I replaced everything from the defrost timer to a startup capacitor, all to no avail. My ancient fridge had reached its end of life.
One week before Thanksgiving, my 20-year-old dishwasher started to act up. I originally had purchased a brand with a high-reliability rating, and that appliance had only been repaired once (for a door latch) all that time. However, it was stopping mid-cycle and was not draining water. The only way I could get it to re-initialize was to go into the basement, turn off its circuit breaker for 5 minutes, and then turn it back on. This suggested that a logic board was failing, which was an expensive repair. It was time to say goodbye to that unit, too.
I had to replace two major appliances, but both had served me well. That can’t be said of other newer and more expensive appliances I have had to replace in my 30+ years of living in my home.
I replaced the original stove and refrigerator with fancy and higher-end stainless steel units from Kenmore. In less than 10 years, both had multiple repairs and quickly reached their end of life. They were replaced by a Kenmore induction stove and a Samsung French door refrigerator. The Kenmore lasted around ten years, but that was with multiple service calls. Finally, its main logic board had to be replaced, but Sears was no longer stocking that board, and the unit had to be scrapped. Worse was the Samsung fridge, which was a nightmare. I fixed the unit multiple times and also had numerous repair calls. Finally, the freezer door fell off (no, we don’t abuse our appliances), which was so costly that the repairman advised us to junk the fridge. We replaced the Kenmore Induction stove with a GE Induction stove and the Samsung fridge with a Whirlpool French door refrigerator. So far, the GE stove has been OK, but the Whirlpool has required a number of service calls. It also has a habit of freezing behind the crisper door, which it did on Thanksgiving. This warms the fridge compartment to the point of food spoiling. The only option is to remove everything from the fridge and freezer, unplug the unit, and let it defrost for 24 hours. This is happening on a refrigerator that costs well over $2000.00.
My parents bought a single-door Kenmore fridge in 1950. It was our primary fridge for over 20 years until someone gave us their old (late 50s) but larger two-door fridge. The Kenmore fridge went into the basement and continued operating until the mid-1970s when we moved and left it behind. The same applies to their old and inexpensive Crown brand stove. Neither appliance required any service during their very long lives.
Our appliance guy has encouraged us to keep our ancient washer and dryer, noting, “Most new appliances are junk. They require constant repair, and often parts are unavailable, forcing the consumer to buy a new machine.” It does seem like he is right. Appliances that were built to last for decades in the past barely make it to 10 years, and that is with constant repairs in the interim. Yet, they are more expensive and tout endless, and often unnecessary, bells and whistles.
My wife and kids love the in-door water and ice maker on our fridge, but I have been told that these additions are a major point of failure. The fancy gaskets and flaps used to lower fridge energy costs frequently malfunction (I fixed the ones on the Samsung fridge at least half a dozen times). Computer logic boards are often placed in high-stress areas, like directly above a stove’s oven, causing them to fail. Unlike mechanical parts used for generations of appliances, logic boards are unique to a small set of models. They are stocked in limited numbers, and after a short period, they become unavailable, making a fixable appliance obsolete.
Mechanical parts have also undergone a crapifacation. The newer and more energy-efficient linear compressors on LG fridges are so failure-prone that LG is now facing a class action lawsuit. Whirlpool is facing a class action lawsuit for defective wiring of their fridges. Samsung is facing a lawsuit stating that their washers corrode faster than they should. Bosch just settled a lawsuit for electronic panels on their appliances that were failing prematurely. Electrolux/Frigidaire is being sued because their washing machines are prone to mold issues, resulting in excessive service calls. LG and Kenmore are being sued for refrigerators failing early. As I researched this post, I just discovered that last year, the owners of my fridge model received a settlement for defective refrigerator evaporators freezing up, which is precisely the problem that requires me to “defrost” my frost-free fridge. Sadly, I’m past the deadline. I’m sure that there are more lawsuits out there. However, these listings make the point that major expensive appliances are failing at an abnormally high rate.
Computer-controlled appliances give us features that we likely don’t need. For instance, my stove and dishwasher can be controlled via WiFi. Has that made my life any better? No. My fridge has a panel that allows me to electronically control things like the size of my ice cubes and the fridge’s temperature. Do I need to control the ice cube size? No. Does my fancy electronic temperature display provide me any benefit that a more straightforward mechanical control didn’t? No. My old washer and dryer have simple dials. Do I yearn for a spaceship-level computerized control panel? No.
Many of these new features are sold to consumers as advancements created to improve one’s life or energy usage. However, any benefit seems relatively marginal to me, and any energy saving is offset by repair costs as well as the cost of replacing these appliances earlier. Further, the environmental, material, and energy costs of manufacturing huge appliances would negate societal benefits.
Of course, I understand that some older appliance components, like toxic refrigerants, had to change. However, manufacturers have used energy and environmental mandates as an excuse to make shoddy products that are more expensive and fail faster, punishing both the consumer and the environment. The goal seems to be planned obsolescence and shareholder profits, in my opinion.
Here are some tips from appliance repairmen that may help with future appliance purchases:
Avoid complicated fridges, especially those with indoor water/ice makers, as they consistently break. At this time, Samsung and LG refrigerators should be avoided as they malfunction more often than other brands. Some repairmen advise getting the most basic fridge possible; you can still buy simple top freezer fridges with mechanical controls. However, even these units likely use cheaper components, like Chinese-made compressors.
When I replaced our basement fridge, I went with a brand-name unit that was as basic as I could find it. This GE fridge has mechanical controls and no ice maker.
Regarding washers and dryers, there is a consensus that new top and front loaders wash clothes less effectively and break down faster than older machines. Front loaders are especially prone to mold issues. Don’t be fooled by the enormous drums on newer top loaders. Most new washers will only partially fill with water and take longer to complete a cycle. Users note that they need to wash smaller loads despite the giant size of their washer’s drums. Additionally, top loaders that use impeller plates instead of a traditional agitator are prone to overloading and going out of balance. Since they use cheap components, such actions can quickly destroy the washer’s suspension system. Several repairmen cited LG top loaders as being of higher quality than typical home washers. Most repairmen noted that the costly Speed Queen brand was significantly better in terms of cleaning ability, durability, and reliability than consumer brands. Additionally, the commercial version (not the home version) of the Maytag washer is built to a higher standard than most, but not as high as Speed Queen.
Speed Queen washers may look basic, but they are built better and clean better than newer models. Expect to pay more for these qualities.
Dishwashers also fail quicker than they used to. The one brand that was thought of more highly than the others was Bosch.
When our 20 year dishwasher died I replaced it with a Bosch purchased on a Black Friday sale.
Stoves should last a very long time, but they often fail due to logic boards placed directly above the hot oven. Would you store your computer on a hot stove? Of course not, but that is precisely what manufacturers do with their logic boards (the main computer board for the appliance). Consumer Reports polled their subscribers, and they rated GE (now owned by the Chinese corporation Hairer), LG, and Frigidaire as more reliable. While Samsung, Maytag, and Kitchenade were less reliable.
GE stoves seemed to be more reliable than some other brands based on a CR survey. Basic is better as bells and whistles tend to break down.
Brands like Kenmore, Insignia, and Criterion are typically made by various third-party companies in Asia like Haier, Daewoo, and Midea. Kenmore used to be considered good quality when its appliances were made by the US companies Whirlpool and Frigidaire, but then it shifted its manufacturing to LG and Samsung, later to Hairer, and now to Daewoo. Repairmen have noted that each change has generally resulted in less reliable products.
Chinese manufacturers like Haier, which makes appliances for US companies like Best Buy, are now introducing their own product lines into the US market. It is still being determined if these products are better quality than those units that they make for US brands. Additionally, repairmen have noted that some repair parts have been difficult to get for these products. That may improve over time.
Elite brands like GE’s Monogram, Viking, and Thermador are more complex and tend to break down more frequently per repairmen. However, owners seem to like these fancy appliances.
The best advice is to fix your old appliances when possible and, when necessary, purchase the most reliable new ones that you can afford. The more bells and whistles you have on any appliance, the more things that can break.
I enjoy being retired because I can explore obscure topics without feeling guilty that I should be doing “real work.”
In my last post, I investigated the energy efficiency of tabletop cooking appliances and was surprised by how energy-efficient pressure cookers were. Some were over eight times more energy efficient than a large crock pot I tested. That was amazing, so I thought I would research them more.
Pressure cookers have always remained popular in countries with high energy costs or limited energy resources. However, they became less common in the US market after microwave ovens and crock pots gained popularity in the 1970s. However, they have had a significant resurgence since the introduction of the Instant Pot in 2010.
In the late 1600s, Denis Papin developed a primitive pressure cooker called the Steam Digester. It was used to extract fat and break down animal bones.
The Steam Digestor-Image from Wikipedia.
In 1857, Louis Pasteur published his first paper on the role of bacteria in fermentation, heralding an understanding of the role of microorganisms in cheese production and milk spoilage. His research led to the germ theory and the role of microorganisms in disease.
By the late 1800s, manufacturers were using pressurized steam to sterilize the contents of canned foods. In 1905, the National Pressure Cooker Company (now National Presto Industries) started manufacturing large pressure canners for commercial operations. In 1917, the USDA established a canning pressure of 15 PSI as the standard. The USDA deemed pressure canning the only way to safely can low-acid foods (meats, beans, etc.). Canner retorts are the predecessors of the home pressure cooker.
Alfred Vischer introduced the first home pressure cooker, the Flex-Seal Speed Cooker, in 1938. However, the Presto pressure cooker, introduced at the 1939 New York World’s Fair, was the one that caught the attention of homemakers. The Presto was revolutionary as it utilized a simple twist on the pressure lid instead of relying on screws or clamps. The 1930s were a time when home kitchens were starting to modernize. One can only imagine the significance of the pressure cooker, a device that could cook food three to ten times faster than conventional methods. Pressure cookers became a hit, similar to the home microwave oven’s popularity when they became affordable in the 1970s. The original Presto Pressure Cookers were made of aluminum.
The Flex-Seal Speed Coooker-Image from eBay seller.
World War II ended consumer manufacturing as industries were reassigned to the war effort, but demand for pressure cookers remained high. Presto stopped manufacturing pressure cookers but continued manufacturing retort canners, deemed necessary for the homefront war effort. However, they were made of steel, as aluminum was too crucial for the war.
Companies in the US resumed production of home pressure cookers in 1945. Since there was a high demand for pressure cookers, multiple manufacturers took on the task. Some companies were more concerned with profit than safety and produced unsafe units. Stories about pressure cookers exploding are from this time.
Any kitchen tool can be dangerous, from a dull kitchen knife to a saucepan left unattended on a stove. Modern pressure cookers are kitchen tools, so they fit into this list. However, they have multiple safety features built in and are very safe if used according to common sense and the provided instructions.
My pressured story
I grew up in a household that used a pressure cooker several times a week. My mom made the most amazing soups, stews, goulash, chicken paprikash, chop suey, pot roast, swiss steak, and so much more in her Model 40 Presto aluminum pressure cooker. The cooker was built like a tank, and she also used it as a regular pot by leaving off the pressure regulator. It was the gadget of choice to make popcorn as its thick base made burning popcorn less likely.
This is exactly how I remember my mother’s Presto Model 40. Purchased some time in the 1940s and still in active service 80 years later. Image from an eBay seller.
This old-style unit operated slightly differently from more modern cookers. You waited until a stream of steam came out of the vent tube before popping on the regulator, which seemed to have a spring design as it allowed you to cook at several pressures. I’ll talk more about regulators later in this post.
My mom used that 4-quart cooker to feed a family of seven until the mid-1970s when she bought an aluminum 6-quart Presto. She continued to use both pots depending on her cooking needs. The new pot had the more familiar “jiggler” style pressure regulator. Both required very little maintenance. Every year or two, my mom would send me to our local 5 and 10 store to buy a rubber gasket, and I also recall going there once to buy a rubber pressure plug. Both purchases were inexpensive.
This Presto is very similar to the 6-quart cooker that my mom bought in the 1970s. It was functional when I inherited it, but its flakey paint made me not use it. Image from an eBay seller.
When my mom passed, my sister got the Presto model 40 and continued to use it regularly until 2017, when her operator error destroyed it. Since the Model 40 was produced in the 1940s, that pot lasted almost 80 years! I was given the 6-quart Presto but didn’t use it much. The yellow paint on its exterior was badly flaked and looked ugly. Instead, I bought a new stainless steel pressure cooker and continued the family cooking tradition.
I’m a gadget guy, so I have many kitchen appliances. I find learning how to use them enjoyable. During my adult life, I have used all sorts of pressure cookers in various situations, including when I camp. I am sold on them and know they are both speedy and efficient. However, I didn’t realize how energy-saving they were until I researched my last post.
In that post, I discovered stove-top and electric (think Instant Pot) pressure cookers were significantly more efficient than slow cookers. I always thought the Crock Pot was the small appliance energy king.
Why are pressure cookers beneficial?
They cook 3 to 10 times faster than standard cooking methods.
They are one of the most energy-efficient cooking appliances.
They retain nutrients more than many other cooking methods.
They are highly versatile and can cook anything from a hearty bean soup to a delicate cheesecake.
They can transform tough cuts of meat into tender, delectable dinners.
They can cook multiple foods at once without mixing flavors.
Dehydrated foods like dried beans can be cooked without pre-soaking.
How can they cook as fast as they do?
Pressure cookers require liquid, which they boil and turn into steam. That steam pushes out the air in the cooking vessel, at which point the pot seals and pressure builds in the pot.
Liquid water is always trying to turn into a gas. If you pour some water on your driveway, it will evaporate into a gas. You can accelerate that evaporation process by adding energy to the water in the form of heat. The water will boil, and you can see the evaporation process as steam. Water boils at sea level at 212F (100C). No matter how much energy you supply to the pot, the liquid water will never exceed 212F. It is at equilibrium with atmospheric pressure pushing it down at 15 PSI (pounds per square inch).
Water will boil at a lower temperature at high elevations where the atmospheric pressure is less than 15 PSI, and the converse is also true. If there were a way to increase the atmospheric pressure above 15 PSI, water would boil at a higher temperature. A pressure cooker can do just that.
The atmospheric pressure at sea level is 15 PSI. A standard American stove-top pressure cooker operates at two times this atmospheric pressure (15 PSI + 15 PSI = 30 PSI), allowing the water in the vessel to be heated to 250F (121C) instead of 212F (100C), and this cooks food faster.
PSI’s impact on the boiling point of water. Image from hippressurecooking.com
But why does a pressure cooker cook foods faster than an oven, which can reach 400F and beyond? Food cooked in an oven has an insulating layer of cooler air around it, slowing down the cooking process. Convection ovens use a fan to break through that insulating layer partially, so they cook faster than conventional ovens. Pressure cookers eliminate the air-insulating layer by pushing it out and replacing it with scorching steam.
Additionally, all foods are mostly water. A carrot is around 88% water, and a pot roast is around 70% water. Under normal atmospheric pressure, this internal water can only be heated to 212F at sea level (just like the water in the pot itself). However, it can reach higher temperatures under pressure, allowing food to cook faster. That additional heat breaks down connective tissue faster, which is how a tough pot roast can turn into a delectable dinner in only an hour of cooking.
I just told you that water’s boiling point depends on atmospheric pressure and that water boils at a lower temperature at higher altitudes as there is less atmospheric pressure. This reduction in boiling temperature can lengthen the time it takes to cook something in a pot, and the same is valid for using a pressure cooker at high altitudes. A US stove-top pressure cooker will increase the pressure in the cooking vessel by 15 PSI above the outside pressure. The general rule is you need to add around 5% more cooking time for every 1,000 feet above 2,000 feet elevation. If you are cooking something that requires 60 minutes of pressure cooking time at sea level, it may take 63 minutes at 3000 feet above sea level.
Secret Added Time.
It may sound impressive that a pressure cooker can cook something in less time needed by traditional methods, but that time is calculated after the appliance has reached pressure. The liquid has to boil and create steam for this to be accomplished, and depending on the volume of liquid in the pot, that may take a bit. As a loose rule of thumb, assume around ten minutes to reach pressure, at which point timing begins. If a dish says it will be done in 15 minutes, add the boiling/pressure-building time. That would be 10 min (pressure building time) + 15 min (pressure cooking time) or 25 minutes total cook time.
Quick Release vs. Natural Release.
The heat is turned off at the end of pressure cooking time, but the food continues to cook. Recipes will either tell you to let the pressure come down naturally or to release it quickly.
In a natural release, you let the pressure come down naturally. Often, this means waiting 10 minutes and then doing a quick release. Food will continue to cook in this mode, but slower. Meats, like beef, can become dry if you do a quick release, as the change in pressure will pull moisture out of them. A natural or slow release prevents this.
A quick release is most commonly done by tilting a jiggler-type regulator or moving a lever on a spring-type regulator (see your instruction book). Some old stove-top books may tell you to put the base in a pan of water or to carefully run cool water on the lid. A quick-release stops cooking and is used for many delicate foods, like fish and vegetables. Editor’s Note: NEVER place the base of an electric cooker in a pan of water, and NEVER run cool water on the lid of an electric cooker. You will destroy it if you do.
Different manufacturers use different pressure standards.
A word of caution: US stove-top cookers typically pressurize at 15 PSI, modeled after USDA requirements for sterilizing foods. Their operating temperature is 250F (121C). European stove-top cookers often pressurize to 13 PSI; their operating temperature will be 245 F (118C), not 250 F. Some Chinese stove-top pressure cookers operate at 8 PSI, yielding only 234F (112C).
Most electric pressure cookers cycle between 10-12 PSI and cook at a lower operating pressure than a standard US stove-top. This means you may need to adjust cooking time with different pressure cookers. For instance, something that would cook for 45 minutes using a standard 15 PSI stove-top pressure cooker may take up to 60 minutes using a typical electric pressure cooker.
Some manufacturers produce cookers whose operating pressures are different from model to model. The Spanish company Magefesa does that. Some pressure cookers have US and European models that pressurize at different levels. The German Fissler brand cookers use 13 PSI in Europe and are recalibrated to 15 PSI for their US versions.
A Fissler German pressure cooker. Pricey but well thought of. Image from Amazon.com
Many pressure cookers list their operating PSI (or kpa) on their product page or the cooker. If you can’t find the operating pressure of a pressure cooker, you will have no idea about proper cooking times.
Although making adjustments between machines may sound confusing, they are easy to implement. Cookbooks written for a particular appliance and the recipe books provided with the gadget will automatically give you the correct cooking time. Additionally, you will likely gain an intuitive understanding. For instance, if I use an Instant Pot recipe on a stove-top pressure cooker, I know to reduce the time a bit. However, when purchasing, I would stick with a standard 13 or 15 PSI stove-top or a 10-12 PSI electric pressure cooker (Instant Pot and many others). There is a wealth of information on these devices and tons of recipes.
A real pressure cooker danger.
Some exotic pressure cookers, like the Instagram-trending Afgan pressure cookers, may be dangerous due to contaminants. Afghan pressure cookers use reclaimed aluminum, sometimes from old car parts. Afghan pressure cookers have been known to leach lead into foods.
PSI vs. kpa.
Pressure can be measured in several different ways. For US pressure cookers, we use PSI (pounds per square inch); for the rest of the world, they use kpa (kilopascals).
15.0 PSI = 100 kpa temp 250F, cook time 23% of traditional cook time
13.0 PSI = 90 kpa temp 246F, cook time 27% of traditional cook time
11.5 PSI = 80 kpa temp 242F, cook time 32% of traditional cook time
10.0 PSI = 70 kpa temp 241F, cook time 33% of traditional cook time
8.0 PSI = 55 kpa temp 234F, cook time 40% of traditional cook time
Pot-in-pot cooking.
It is possible to put another cooking vessel inside your pressure cooker. For instance, you can put a springform pan inside to make a cake or cheesecake (made under steam). You can also buy inexpensive stacking pots that fit typical pressure cookers. Using this method, you can cook two foods simultaneously, and their flavors won’t mix.
Different types of lids.
The lid on a pressure cooker must be secure, or it will fly off when under pressure. Presto revolutionized the home cooker by using a flange/twist-on design that is still very popular today. Some manufacturers use other methods that have also been proven to work. For instance, some third-world countries produce cookers with clamp-on lids as this style is more straightforward to manufacture. The famous Indian company Hawkins makes cookers that use a tip-in and clip lid. As long as the lid is secure, all is good, no matter the design.
Can I fill a pressure cooker to the top?
No. The maximum you can fill a pressure cooker is ⅔ full, as you need room to generate steam. Some foods can only be filled ½ way (for instance, rice and beans) as they tend to expand and could block the vent tube. The instruction book supplied with your machine can provide you with more details.
Maximum filling levels for pressure cooking. Image from hippressurecooking.com
Do I always have to add liquid to my pressure cooker?
Yes, your pot must have liquid to operate under pressure. Depending on the cooking time, a cup of water will usually do. Naturally, liquid dishes like soups already have water in them.
Why does my electric cooker say “BURN” on its display?
Electric cookers are limited by their heating elements. If you don’t have enough liquid in them or the only liquid is very thick, like tomato sauce, the cooker may burn some of the food on the bottom of the pot. This can cause temperatures to rise, which is then sensed by a thermostat, and the cooker will shut down to protect itself. It is essential to read recipes as they stipulate how to put food in a pot. For instance, a recipe may say to add broth and then tomato sauce but not mix the two. The broth can turn to steam, and you won’t get a “BURN” warning.
Do I need a cooker that can operate at multiple pressures?
Some pressure cookers can operate at more than one pressure. However, the vast majority of pressure cooker recipes use high pressure. For most, having only one pressure is all that you need.
Can I use my home pressure cooker for pressure canning?
Probably not. First, you must ensure that your unit operates at 15 PSI (the USDA standard) and maintains that pressure. Sterilization is based on both temperature and time. However, there is no way that a consumer can safely calculate a pressure cooker’s internal temperature. Poorly canned foods can breed a deadly organism called Clostridium botulinum. This bacteria produces the botulism toxin (botox), one of the most deadly neurotoxins. A very tiny amount can kill you. This botox is the same substance used to give people chemical facelifts, as it paralyzes the nerves controlling facial muscles. However, that substance is medical grade and precisely diluted. The bottom line is that If you are into canning, you are best off buying a pressurized canner (retort canner) designed for the job. Canners are calibrated and designed to get up to and maintain 15 PSI.
Are pressure cookers safe? I hear that they explode.
Some pressure cookers built during the 1940 post-war times were shoddy and could rupture. Modern pressure cookers have multiple safety devices and are safe if you follow reasonable operating procedures. Can you force a pressure cooker to explode? That is unlikely unless you deliberately modified it, as was done in the Boston Marathon bombing. The worst that can happen is that one of the safety mechanisms would activate and release a blast of steam, potentially spewing boiling water and food, providing you with a mess to clean up. I have used all types of pressure cookers for over 50 years and have never had a problem. However, use common sense; don’t leave the house when operating a pressure cooker. I stay in or near the kitchen using a stove-top unit and remain within earshot when using an electric pressure cooker (which is more automatic).
Are aluminum pressure cookers safe?
The urban legend that aluminum pots cause Altzehiemer’s disease has long been debunked. However, aluminum may leave acidic foods, like tomato sauce, tasting metallic. This is not dangerous. I have never tasted this, so that this ability may be genetic. Anodized aluminum does not impart a metallic taste.
Aluminum pressure cookers are cheaper than stainless steel pots but are only manufactured as stove-top units. The American Test Kitchen advises getting a stainless steel cooker due to the metal taste issue and their concern that an aluminum pot is less durable. However, my mom’s aluminum pot was almost 80 years old before an operator error destroyed it, so I would say that they are still pretty durable.
I would choose stainless steel if you can afford it, but go for aluminum if cost is a significant issue.
A typical aluminum pressure cooker. Image from Amazon. com
Do pressure cookers have parts that I need to take care of or replace?
Despite their advanced abilities, pressure cookers are relatively simple devices. A few parts may wear out over time.
-The gasket is a silicon ring that seals the lid and pot. I remove mine and wash it separately. I then replace it or leave it loose in the pot to be placed the next time I use my pressure cooker. Never store a pot with the gasket (seal) in place and the lid locked. This will squeeze the gasket and may impact its ability to seal. If a pot can’t hold pressure or the gasket looks damaged, it should be replaced with the same type. If you have a brand-name cooker, you can find gaskets specifically for that brand. If you have a Chinese no-name cooker, you can measure the inner diameter of the gasket in centimeters and find a replacement on Amazon, Walmart.com, or eBay. Different gaskets have somewhat different builds, so try to find one similar to your original if you have a generic cooker.
Some people keep several gaskets, one for savory foods and another for desserts, as a gasket can pick up odors. I sometimes use the top rack of my dishwasher to clean a removed gasket. Some say soaking a gasket in a diluted vinegar solution can eliminate “gasket odor.” Gaskets are inexpensive, so having an extra one on hand is a good idea.
My mom would have to change the old rubber gasket on her Presto every year or two. Current silicon gaskets are advised to be changed every 2-3 years. However, I check mine to see if it looks good and works OK. If so, I continue to use it. My Mealthy electric pressure cooker is 6 years old, and I still use the same gasket.
-Another replaceable item is the float valve. When the cooker is pressurized, this valve pops up an indicator on the lid. It also seals the pressure cooker and locks the lid from opening. The part that may go bad on the valve is the little silicon ring at its base. If your cooker isn’t pressurizing or this silicon ring looks damaged, replace it.
Should I buy a Chinese or off-brand pressure cooker?
Brand-name cookers stand by their pots. Presto makes reasonably priced pressure cookers, and they still have parts for cookers that they sold 50 years ago. Kuhn Rikon, Fagor, and Fissler are long-standing, reputable European companies. Instant Pot seems to support their electric pressure cookers (at least to a degree).
However, I have used several Chinese stove-top and electric pressure cookers that seem to be well-made. If you buy an off-brand stove-top, ensure the pressure cooker reaches 15 PSI. Some sold on eBay and Amazon do not, reaching only 8 PSI.
As far as I know, most electric pressure cookers cycle between 10 and 12 PSI, so recipes used from one electric cooker to another don’t need to be adjusted. I have used my Mealthy electric pressure cooker for years, and it works as well as an Instant Pot. The Mealthy was roughly the same price as a similar Instant Pot but came with extras, impacting my decision.
Consumables, like the sealing gasket and the silicon washer for the float valve, appear fairly generic on many off-brand models (made in the same Chinese factory?). As long as you match a part correctly, they seem to work.
I have seen some generic gaskets titled “For stainless steel pressure cookers.” I can’t say if that identifier is essential or just marketing.
What size pressure cooker should I get?
Stove-top pressure cookers come in all sorts of sizes. I have seen 2-quart, 4-quart, and even 10-quart electric pressure cookers, but they are usually 3, 6, and 8-quart units. American Test Kitchen suggests getting an 8-quart cooker because “you can always cook less in an 8-quart, but you can’t cook more in a smaller cooker. However, I disagree. My sister has an 8-quart electric for her 2-person family and would always make too much food in it. She got a 3-quart electric and is much happier. I often cook for five adults and have never had a capacity problem using my 6-quart cookers. For years, my mom used a 4-quart stove-top for a family of 7. However, when she made stew, she cooked the potatoes separately, and when she could, she eventually bought a 6-quart stove-top unit.
A 6-quart pot works in most situations and is the most flexible as it can accommodate relatively large amounts of cooking but can also easily cook smaller portion sizes. Remember that a pressure cooker can only be filled 2/3rds full, and some expanding/foaming foods like rice and beans should only be filled ½ full.
First Generation Pressure Cookers.
These stove-top pressure cookers have a simple design. Air is expelled from a vent on the oven’s lid. On top of the lid’s vent tube is a regulator of a calibrated weight. When pressure builds past 15 PSI, the weight is slightly lifted, and the excess pressure is released, causing the weight to rock. The process continues, causing the weight to “jiggle” back and forth. These pressure cookers are sometimes called jigglers because of this. Once the regulator starts to jiggle, the operator turns down the heat so that jiggling is relatively gentle. Timing starts once the regulator is rocking.
Advantages:
-A straightforward mechanism that has few moving parts.
-It is evident when the unit reaches pressure and if you need to readjust the heat to achieve gentle rocking.
-These cookers tend to be less expensive than generator-two pressure cookers.
Disadvantages:
-It is possible to lose the regulator.
-These units may lose a little more liquid in the form of steam than second-generation PCs.
-Some people find the rocking, accompanied by a swish-swish sound, scary.
-Unless you change the regulator, these units can only operate at one PSI (not a big deal).
This first-generation “jiggler” pressure cooker uses a weighted regulator that rocks open once the pot’s pressure exceeds 15 PSI. The arrow is pointing to the regulator.
Second Generation Pressure Cookers.
Second-generation stove-top pressure cookers use a spring-type regulator that doesn’t jiggle. Instead, these units hiss a bit (some more than others). They usually have an indicator that says they are under pressure and may have several pressure levels.
Like Generation-One units, you start on high heat, and when the indicator shows that the pot is under pressure, you lower the heat to maintain that pressure. For some cookers, you want to see a gentle stream of steam; in others, you are given a clear visual indicator that the pot is under proper pressure. Your pot’s instruction guide will tell you what to look for.
Advantages:
-May lose less moisture than Gen-One cooker.
-Quieter than a Gen-One cooker.
-Can often achieve several different pressure levels (not very important)
Disadvantages:
-May be more expensive than a Gen-One cooker.
-Some may prefer a Gen-One cooker’s clear visual and auditory cues.
Note: My mom’s 1940s Model 40 pressure cooker likely used a spring regulator, and her first jiggler was purchased in the 1970s, so I’m not quite sure why some experts labeled jigglers as “first-generation.”
This is a second-generation stove-top unit. The arrow points to the regulator, which does not jiggle. The arrow points to the “float valve.” As the pressure builds this valve will pop up sealing the pressure cooker and locking the lid as a safety feature.The float valve has popped up in this photo, signaling that the cooker is sealed. Now, you need to wait until a steady stream of steam comes out of the regulator (see next photo).Looking carefully, you can see a stream of steam coming out of the regulator. Once this happens, lower the heat until you see a gentle but steady stream of steam. This is when you start your time.This Kuhn Rikon pressure cooker emits very little steam. Instead, you monitor the pressure indicator on the top of the lid. Once you move to the second red bar, lower the heat to maintain this pressure level. You can see that two bars have emerged.
Both Gen One and Gen Two Pressure Cookers:
Stove-top pressure cookers can last a lifetime.
They are high-quality pots that can be used as regular stockpots when needed. In this case, the cook leaves the regulator off/open on the pressure lid or uses a different lid. Some pressure cooker manufacturers sell a separate glass lid for non-pressurized cooking.
What can a stove-top pot do?
Cooks Soups/Stews/Tough meats: Yes
Has software programs for common foods: No
Set and (almost) forget operation: No
Slow cooking function: Yes (if used like a stove-top Dutch oven)
Make Rice: Yes (a favorite ability)
Make hard-boiled eggs: Yes
Make Yogurt: No
Sous Vide foods: No
Cook other grains: Yes
Make desserts like cheesecake: Yes
Can saute in the pan: Yes
Cook at 15 PSI: Yes (Many)
Can last a lifetime: Yes
Requires AC outlet: No
Third Generation Pressure Cookers.
Third-generation cookers are electric, the most obvious being the Instant Pot. However, the Instant Pot was not the first electric pressure cooker on the scene. The first electric cooker was introduced in 1991, and the Instant Pot came out in 2010.
I had a Nesco electric pressure cooker in the mid-90s that worked very well. My Nesco had typical pressure cooker functions and a slow cooker setting. The Instant Pot and its clones added a lower temperature setting to make yogurt and some simple timing programs for common foods, like stew and rice. The Instant Pot became a hit because it was featured on Amazon during a Black Friday sale. Robert Wang was wise to call the Instant Pot something different than a pressure cooker as that neutralizes Urban Legend explosion fears. People got intrigued by pressure cookers and didn’t even know it!
Advantages:
These pots offer set-it-and-forget-it capabilities. Press a few buttons, and the cooker will reach pressure for a set amount of time and then go to keep warm. In most cases, the operator is responsible for releasing pressure if indicated.
Disadvantage:
-Requires an AC outlet.
-As a small electric, the lifespan of a 3rd generation is limited.
-Many more components than a stove-top unit. Circuit boards, pressure sensors, temperature sensors, thermal fuses. The list goes on.
These pots typically cycle between 10-12 PSI, lower than a stove-top unit. Some smaller pots may have an even lower operating pressure. Only one electric pot, the Instant Pot Max, can achieve the standard 15 PSI. However, some reviewers noted that it didn’t cook any faster than typical Instant Pots, which are less expensive.
Sous Vide foods: A few machines (poor results reported).
Cook other grains: Yes
Make desserts like cheesecake: Yes
Cook at 15 PSI: Only one machine, the Instant Pot Max.
Can saute in the pan: Yes
Can last a lifetime: No
Require AC outlet: Yes
I have used this Mealthy pressure cooker for 6 years. Prior to that I used a Nesco electric pressure cooker since the 1990s. The Nesco’s regulator was damaged, making the unit inoperative. Electric pressure cookers operate differently than stove-top units. They may build to 15 PSI but then cycle between 10 and 12 PSI during cooking. This lowers their cooking temperature, so they cook a bit slower than stove-top units—image from hippressurecooking.com
Hybrid Machines
A few pressure cookers on the market combine their pressure cooking function with a convection oven (air fryer). This allows the user to cook food rapidly under pressure and then brown/crisp it. People who have these machines generally like them. However, they can be bulky and more expensive.
Several companies make hybrid pressure cookers that can also act as air fryers. This allows you to cook something and then brown it quickly. This is the original Ninja Foodi.Another view of the Foodi. The pressure lid is on the pot. You can also see the air fryer lid permanently attached to the cooker.
Conclusions/Recommendations
A pressure cooker is a fantastic and safe cooking gadget. It saves fuel, gets meals on the table 3-10 faster than conventional methods, preserves vitamins, and the food tastes great because all of the volatile aroma molecules are preserved. Meats come out juicy and tender. Vegetables have more vitamins, and rice, beans, and grains cook quickly. You can make entire meals simultaneously without blending flavors with the pot-in-pot technique. These pots will save you time and money; they use little energy while allowing you to cook cheaper cuts of meat.
The American Test Kitchen suggests buying a stainless steel cooker with a broad base for durability and quick sauteing of foods. This is good advice, but you can certainly use an aluminum cooker with excellent results. I have pressure cookers with typically sized bases and may have to brown large amounts of stew meat in two batches. I’m not working in a commercial kitchen, so super durability and saving 5 minutes of browning time are not crucial.
Stove-top pressure cookers offer the advantage of cooking at a full 15 PSI (faster cooking times). They can last a lifetime, be used as a high-quality stock pot, and be operated using many heating sources, from kitchen ranges to camping stoves. They are the perfect cooking tool in a disaster situation. A cooker from Generation One or Generation Two cooks similarly. Remember, if a cooker operates at the same PSI, it will cook the same.
However, I suggest getting an electric pressure cooker for the first-time user. Their ease of use and automatic nature make you more likely to use them. Additionally, dozens, if not hundreds, of websites and YouTube videos make it easy to get up and running.
Hybrid cookers are loved by their owners due to their additional versatility. However, that additional functionality may make an already daunting task even more difficult for a new user. Such an appliance can be purchased later if desired.
Which type of cooker do I use? The answer is “Yes.”.
I recently came across a Yale Environment Review article that stated, “Cooking accounts for 20% of consumers’ energy use.” This percentage surprised me as I thought the energy used in food preparation was nominal. It got me thinking about appliances and their energy use.
I thought my information quest would be pretty simple if I did a Google search, but I was wrong. I came across blogs, environmental websites, an electric power cooperative website, and even government-run environmental websites; they all got it wrong. I’m not trying to be grandiose, but my conclusion was correct.
If I queried, “How much energy is used by a toaster oven?” All of the sites would say something like:
“Look at the device’s back panel for the wattage used and then multiply this number by the time in hours that the appliance was in use to find the appliance’s efficiency. Let’s say the toaster oven’s label says it uses 1500 watts, and you bake something for 90 minutes (1.5 hours). The energy would be 1500 x 1.5 = 2250 watt-hours of energy.”
This formula is utterly wrong, and it shocks me that so many authoritative sites use it.
When vetting appliances for the solar-powered, all-electric kitchen in my camper van, I had to figure out how much power an appliance used to determine the size of the battery system I needed. The most significant energy draw in the van was cooking appliances that heated food, like my induction burner. I needed to know if I could practically power them with my solar/battery set-up. To do this, I used a Kill-A-Watt meter. This device plugs between the appliance’s power cord and the wall outlet. It provides a wealth of information, including the watts the appliance uses at any moment and the total amount of watts/hours used for a given period measured in kilowatt-hours (kWh).
I knew that an appliance’s actual wattage usage is often less than stated on its back panel, and sometimes, this difference can be substantial. I also knew many appliances don’t continuously operate at full power. Many devices that heat up use a thermostat or other sensor to control the power output. For example, my van’s induction burner is rated at 1800 watts, but it has never drawn more than 1500 watts, and at lower power levels, it only draws 600 watts intermittently.
I continued my search and found YouTube videos that measured the power used instead of calculating theoretical numbers. The most eye-opening one was from the channel “Under the Median.” They did a practical test cooking the same food in their wall oven, a toaster oven, a slow cooker, and an electric pressure cooker to see which was most energy efficient. Their results surprised them, and they surprised me, too. Naturally, their wall oven used the most energy; most electric ovens use between 3 and 5 kilowatts when the heating element is on. They were using their personal appliances, and due to a malfunction, a given appliance may have been using more power than it should. However, per their results, their toaster oven was more energy efficient than their crock pot. What! I had to investigate further.
Our toaster oven is a Ninja Foodie with a stated wattage of 1800 watts. It is relatively small compared to other toaster ovens, which should make it more efficient (it has less space to heat up). It also features a 60-second preheat, much less than my regular oven, which takes over 10 minutes to preheat. I did a one-hour test at a standard 350F (177C) and monitored the Foodie’s power usage using a Kill-A-Watt meter.
If I had used the standard (and incorrect formula), I would expect that the Foodie would use 1800 watt/hour (1800 watts x 1 hour = 1800 watt/hour). However, that was not the case. These were my results:
60-second preheat operating wattage = 1600 watts
Baking element on operating wattage = 1300 watts
The oven cycled between 1300 and 2 watts as the thermostat regulated the temperature. It used 1300 watts around 34% of the time; the rest of the time, it required only 2 watts (likely to power the electronics).
The toaster oven used only 340 watts in one hour, not 1800 watts! If I were to make a pot roast in the toaster oven at 350F for 3.5 hours, the standard calculation would be 1800 x 3.5 = 6300 watt/hour used. However, the oven would have actually used 340 watts x 3.5 hours = 1190 watt/hour. That is a very significant difference!
I was intrigued as my results with my toaster oven were similar to the “Under the Median” results. The “Under the Median” video also noted a significant difference between the energy used by a slow cooker (CrockPot) and a pressure cooker (Instant Pot). I had several of these appliances. Would my results match theirs?
Limitations of my tests.
There are dozens of electric and stovetop pressure cookers and even more slow cookers. Naturally, I couldn’t test all of them, so please take my findings as generalities. Slow cookers and pressure cookers are most cost-effective when cooking foods like a tough pot roast. My experiment was to calculate the energy differences when cooking a pot roast. I tested six devices, but with the price of beef, I wasn’t going to cook six pot roasts. Instead, I used 4 cups of room temperature water as my “pot roast” in each device.
Things that can impact the energy used by a device include:
-The size/volume of the device’s cooking chamber.
-The watts used by the heating element.
-The level of insulation of the device.
-The temperature or amount of the food being cooked.
-The device’s computer’s programming, if it has one.
-Other heat losses include opening an oven door or lifting the lid on a slow cooker.
Different gadgets cook at different times; I used the following cooking times:
Slow cookers, 8 hours on low.
Electric pressure cookers (10-12 PSI), 1 hour at high pressure.
Stove top pressure cooker (15 PSI-cooks faster), 45 minutes at high pressure.
I used two different power meters and ran several cooking devices more than once. The two meters gave similar results.
Manual slow cookers (those with only a high/low/off switch) continuously apply power to a belt-like heating element around the pot’s base. A heat-retaining ceramic crock sits in the base and is indirectly heated by the heating element. The pot is designed so that the heat added eventually equalizes with the heat lost, resulting in a simmer (190F-210F) at the low setting. The high setting incorporates a second heating element in many of these manual pots, resulting in a final high temperature of around 300F for that setting. I did my tests with these pots set on low, as that is what most would do if they were cooking a pot roast.
Other devices, including newer automatic slow cookers/multi-cookers and electric pressure cookers, use a thermostat or other sensing device to regulate whether a heating element is off or on. This should be a more energy-efficient method of temperature control.
Stovetop pressure cookers operate similarly to a manual crock pot. In this case, the cook controls the heat applied to the pot, eventually finding an equilibrium point to maintain proper pressure. I did not have the equipment to measure the power used on my stovetop (hob) as it is a 220v device, so I used a 120-volt tabletop induction burner that I could measure using my Kill-A-Watt meter. I used the burner at full power to reach pressure, then turned it down to a power level of 2.5 out of 10 to maintain pressure.
Here are my results from worst to best energy use:
These appliances are vastly more energy efficient than using an oven for simple meal preparation. We are looking at good to excellent energy efficiency.
My daughter’s college crock pot. Seven quarts? Large enough for a party or big family.
Fifth Place
Seven Quart Manual CrockPot
Stated Wattage: 270 watts
Actual Wattage Use: 204 watts (continuously on)
Final Temperature of contents: 200F (93C)
Time in operation: 8 hours
Total energy used: 1.64 kWh (1640 watts)
I’m a huge fan of this Instant Pot Dutch oven. It is a versatile and competent cooker.
Fourth Place
Six Quart Instant Pot Dutch Oven Multicooker (basically an automatic slow cooker)
Stated Wattage: 1500 watts
Actual Wattage Use: 886 watts (intermittently on)
Final Temperature of contents: 206F (97C)
Time in operation: 8 hours
Total energy used: 1.2 kWh (1200 watts)
Note: The toaster oven set at 350F for 3.5 hours would have used the same energy!
I bought this little crock pot for $9 over 40 years ago when I was a struggling, divorced resident physician. It has served me well, making me hundreds of unattended hot meals.
Third Place
Two and a Half Quart Manual CrockPot
Stated Wattage: 75 low/150 high watts
Actual Wattage Use: 69 watts on low (continuously on)
Final Temperature of contents: 190F (88C)
Time in operation: 8 hours
Total energy used: .534 kWh (534 watts)
This Kuhn-Rikon stovetop pressure cooker could last a lifetime with proper care.
Stated Wattage: 1800 watts for the induction burner
Actual Wattage Use: 1443 watts to reach pressure, 600 watts intermittently to maintain pressure.
Time in operation: 45 minutes (15 PSI, cooks faster than electric pressure cookers)
Total energy used: 0.43 kWh (430 watts)
I have used this Instant Pot clone for many years.
First Place Tie
Mealthy 6 Quart Electric Pressure Cooker
Stated Wattage: 1000 watts
Actual Wattage Use: 886 watts to reach pressure, then cycled to maintain pressure.
Time in operation: 60 minutes (10-12 PSI a bit slower than stovetop PC).
Total energy used: 0.20 kWh (200 watts)
My sister’s electric pressure cooker.
First Place Tie
Fagor 4 Quart Electric Pressure Cooker
Stated Wattage: 800 watts
Actual Wattage Use: 750 watts to reach pressure, then cycled to maintain pressure.
Time in operation: 60 minutes (10-12 PSI a bit slower than stovetop PC).
Total energy used: 0.21 kWh (210 watts), virtually the same as the Mealthy unit.
Conclusions
Using a small electric cooking appliance is energy-saving. My experiment and the one conducted on the YouTube channel “Under the Median” suggest that, in some cases, a toaster oven can be as energy-efficient as a large slow cooker when cooking something that requires a longer cooking time. That was surprising.
The Instant Pot Dutch Oven uses a thermostat to regulate its slow cooking temperature. This makes it more efficient than the 6 Quart Manual CrockPot, which uses low power continuously.
There was also significant energy savings when comparing the large CrockPot with its 2.5-quart sibling. You don’t need a slow cooker of every size, but a smaller one will save a few energy pennies if you are a small family or a group of one.
The pressure cookers were outstanding in their energy efficiency. They require a lot of power to reach pressure (about 10 minutes at high power in my experiment), but then they barely sipped power, turning on the heat in 10-second bursts to maintain pressure. Naturally, you will see the most prominent energy savings when cooking something longer. If you cook something under pressure for 1 minute, the cooker still will take 10 minutes at full power to build pressure before it starts the 1-minute countdown.
Stovetop pressure cookers may or may not use more energy than electric ones, as my experiment couldn’t use a hob and had to rely on a lower-powered 120-volt induction burner. Still, they are very efficient and generally cook faster than an electric pressure cooker.
Different foods require different cooking methods. Slow cookers and pressure cookers cook with wet heat, while toaster ovens and regular ovens use dry heat. Use the most suitable process for the food you are cooking. You can improve the efficiency of a toaster oven or regular oven by using the recipe’s regular cooking temperature and the oven’s convection fan (if available). The fan can reduce cooking time by 25%, saving you money.
Should you ever use your regular oven? Of course! Regular ovens regulate temperature better than most toaster ovens and have more capacity. Beyond Thanksgiving dinner, think about making several layers of a cake or trays of cookies at once. Additionally, think of cooking an entire meal in the oven. It takes no more energy to cook an entire meal in an oven vs. a single item. For some foods, you can turn off a regular oven up to 10 minutes before the food is done. Regular ovens are well-insulated and will retain heat for a while after they are turned off.
Ultimately, if you tailor the foods you make correctly with the most appropriate appliance, you will save the most energy. Where I live, a kWh costs $0.13, which isn’t too expensive, but pennies add up. In the UK, electricity is around 25 pence/kWh. In other countries, it is even more. I saw one Reddit post where someone in an unnamed country said that energy prices are increased sixfold during peak usage times (4 -8 PM) as most people are making dinner then. Wow!
Remember, cooking energy is 20% of your total energy bill. Anything you can do to reduce it is worth your time. I was so impressed with how energy-efficient pressure cookers are, I decided to do a deep dive into the topic. Stay tuned.
I got up a little later than usual today, around 6:30 AM. I didn’t sleep well last night, partly because a rotator cuff issues kept me awake. I completed a course of physical therapy with mild to moderate results. The next step is surgery, something that I can’t do at this time as I need to be available to help my wife; such surgery will leave me nearly non-functional for months. For now, I have to grin and bear it.
Despite my hazy state, I’m excited this morning. Why? Julie and I will head off to another sibling breakfast with the remainder of my family.
My family of origin consisted of 5 siblings. My sister Carol is fifteen years my senior, my brother Tom was twelve years my senior, my brother Dave was ten years my senior, and my sister Nancy is seven years my senior.
Tom passed away at age 33 from leukemia. I liked Tom, who was a great writer of humorous anecdotes. Just as I was reaching an age where we could have bonded, he became sick, and despite having the best care, he passed away. My brother Dave lived into his 70s but was plagued by the sequela from childhood polio and later PSP, a horrible neurological condition. I was not very close to Dave, which was unfortunate. As adults, I can’t say we had harsh words or some major point of conflict. I guess sometimes that is just the way it is.
So, how does all of this relate to sibling breakfasts? I am a person of relationships. As I have said in previous posts, I don’t need a lot of connections, but I heavily invest in those that I value; some of those important relationships are my siblings and surrogate siblings. I’ll be seeing them in two hours.
My biological siblings share my OCD tendencies. Both Nancy and Carol are very invested in the interest of the day. Currently, Nancy is locked into making fancy Bundt cakes, and Carol is focused on simplifying clutter. I talk to them almost every day and visit them when possible. I can wholly relate to their obsessiveness. I’m currently comparing the dynamic range of smaller camera sensors vs. larger ones. Completely unimportant for most, utterly fascinating for me- until I move on to my next obscure interest.
My surrogate siblings are my brother-in-law Mike and my sister-in-law Kathy. I have known both since my early teens and hold them close to my heart. Mike regularly sends me links to various articles that he believes will interest me, and Kathy often says kind words when I post something. Add my wife, Julie, to this crew, and the party is complete.
We have been getting together on roughly a monthly schedule for many years. We meet at a restaurant and “catch up.” In reality, we know what is happening in each other lives via phone calls, visits, and Facebook. However, we still cherish these face-to-face group times.
We are all getting older, and none of us wants to regret not trying to be together. I can’t tell you how fortunate I feel to have these people in my life. They are all inspirational to me. I value all of them, and I am certain that this feeling is reciprocated.
I write a lot about relationships in my posts because I understand that they are fundamental in pursuing life’s satisfaction. In this regard, the definer is quality, not quantity. The only investments I have had to make to have these wonderful people in my life are my time and consideration. They pick me up when I’m down, celebrate my achievements, and most importantly, value me just for who I am. I am so fortunate. Let the breakfast begin!
Our last breakfast encounter.A prior breakfast with the full complement of participants.
When I originally conceived this post, I was going to title it “The life changes I made when I retired.” However, like most things I write, the topic evolved. The title then became “Changes that I have made as I have aged.” That was also inaccurate, as some of my life changes started in my 20s and have grown since then. The bottom line is that as an adult, I have slowly become who I am today. Let me share some of those changes with you.
I no longer fear Imposter syndrome.
When I was younger, I received conflicting critiques about who I was and what my abilities were. On one hand, I was told I was stupid, lazy, and useless, while on the other hand, I was told that I was bright, talented, and unique. I reveled in the later critique but didn’t believe it was real. I feared my complementers would discover I was a fraud.
I recall being in college and breaking the curve on tests, thinking I was lucky. After doing this many times, I changed my belief to “I just study harder.” Eventually, I came to understand that I grasped the material better than the average student, which was why I topped the curve. Before you think I’m too grandiose, let me inform you that I have also recognized my weaknesses. For instance, I cannot remember common facts, like a person’s name or a telephone number. Additionally, I have great difficulty putting together a simple children’s jigsaw puzzle.
I no longer feel that I’m an imposter. Instead, I understand that I’m a person with some unique gifts and some significant weaknesses. My goal has always been to exploit my strengths while doing everything possible to turn my weaknesses into strengths. I’m still a work in progress.
I don’t care what people think about me.
When I moved into my house 30 years ago, I tried to be casually friendly towards my neighbors. This effort went reasonably well, and I’m still on good terms with people I met at that time. However, there was one situation where something went wrong. A guy lived half a block from my house, and I had minimal contact with him. We had kids the same age, and I occasionally saw him at the school bus stop or around the neighborhood. When I ran into him, I would greet him with a hello or raise my hand in a wave. Initially, he responded, but then he stopped. He would sometimes visibly scowl if he caught sight of me. If I was face-to-face with him, looked him directly in his eye, and said hello, he would look past me like I didn’t exist. This situation upset and baffled me as I could not think of a reason for this change in his behavior. I felt that I must have done something wrong to create such a reaction, but I couldn’t even remember conversing with him, let alone saying something rude. My concerns eventually faded, and I got past his response (or lack thereof). I never found out why this person went from a casual contact to someone who hated me. However, I no longer care.
In my private practice, I initially evaluated a middle-aged man who needed a new psychiatrist as his old one was retiring. This poor guy was taking a suitcase of ridiculous and repetitive meds. His former doctor had him on multiple tranquilizers, sleeping pills, stimulants, and even opioid pain meds. I told the man frankly that my goal would be to get him off of 90% of the medications that he was taking because only then could I see what he needed. He was furious with me and left my office, never to return. I had to admit that I had a sense of relief when he left, as I knew that weaning such a patient would be as difficult for me as for him. Six months later, I saw him on my schedule and thought, “Oh crap.” I was sure that I was about to get some sort of dressing down because he was so angry when he left the first time.
The man came in, and instead of reaming me, he apologized. He was seeing a new doctor who was happy to continue all of his meds, but over time, he realized that I was the first doctor to care enough about his care to risk losing him by telling him the truth. Over time, I was able to get him off most of his meds and transition him to more appropriate ones. He became a patient for life and continued to travel to my Illinois office after he moved to Ohio.
There are times when I have accidentally offended someone. When things go badly in an encounter, and I am the cause, I want to make it right. However, long ago, I realized there would be people who would like me and people who wouldn’t. Some who don’t want to be my friend will have a valid reason; others won’t. I try to be kind and respectful to everyone, but if that is not enough…so be it. I want to concentrate my energy on those who want to share time with me. For the others, I wish them a happy life, but otherwise, I simply don’t care.
I no longer try to live up to other people’s expectations of me.
Some people think they know how I should behave, what I should do, and how I should live my life. Sometimes, these comments are out of genuine caring and could be considered complements. “You should write a book on that topic,” or “You should practice again; we need good psychiatrists.” At other times, I have been the target of someone’s manipulation, like when a senior medical student wanted me, as a freshman medical student, to take her place on a horrible committee that involved a ton of work and long twice-monthly meetings. I could give dozens of other examples, but they all involve “shoulds.” You should do this, or you shouldn’t do that. Long ago, I realized it was OK to listen to other’s perspectives, but I knew myself better than they knew me. I live according to my expectations, not someone else’s.
I no longer buy into societal norms.
We are constantly being pressured to fit in. As a doctor, society tried to determine how big my house should be, what kind of car I should drive, and what friends I should associate with. When I turned 50, I bought a “doctor’s car,” a Mercedes. I felt pretty cool and accomplished for about a month, and then it dawned on me that the Mercedes was just a box on wheels. After a time, it became a burden due to its poor construction and excessive repair costs. I traded it in for a Honda; a happy day. I no longer need to keep up with the Joneses or the Dr. Joneses. I just want to live my life and be myself.
It took me about a month to realize that my Mercedes was just a box on wheels.
I no longer think I’m unworthy if I’m average at something.
Growing up, I received praise and validation through my academic abilities. This reinforcement led to a pattern of behavior in which I felt that I had to prove my worth by consistently exceeding expectations. That went well beyond schooling. I thought I had to be engaging, intelligent, and funny in social situations. It was my task to make sure that no one was uncomfortable. It was my job to come up with a topic that interested the person I was talking to, not a subject I had an interest in. In my marriage, I felt I had to be the ultimate provider, the man with the plan, who was both in charge yet compassionate and tender, alternating roles as required. I felt I had to prove my worth beyond being a good doctor in my business. For example, I taught myself web design to save the clinic money by designing, building, and uploading a complicated corporate website instead of having the clinic contract a professional.
These characteristics are part of me, but the operative definer is “part.” I don’t always want to be the most competent person in the room, the most engaging, and the most thoughtful. Sometimes, I want to be me. Over time, I have realized I have worth, as all humans do. It is OK for me to allow others to take the lead and be intelligent, thoughtful, and caring. My genuine self is that of a nurturer, but I sometimes need to be nurtured. I am happy to care for the people I love, but I also want to be loved. I can learn new things to help others, but at times, I am the person who needs help.
Sometimes, it feels good just to be good enough.
I no longer feel a need to control others.
When I care about someone, I want to protect them and keep them safe. When my kids were young, imparting my “knowledge” to them was possible. However, they are now adults and have had the benefits of an excellent education, a ton of love and support, and wisdom from both parents. If they ask my opinion, I will happily give it to them. If I see a major disaster on the horizon, I may offer an unsolicited opinion. However, in most cases, I feel my role is to be a supportive listener. This stance goes beyond my kids but requires continuing effort on my part. I’m better at letting go, but I still want to shield those I love from hurt and trauma. I need to remind myself that adults have the right to self-determination.
I no longer have to be everyone’s friend.
There was a time when someone asked me to be my friend, and I would automatically say yes. Many times, these were individuals who recognized that I was a caretaker. The relationship would consist of them using me in one way or another. When I needed their help or support, they would be “too busy.” I no longer want such people in my life. I want mutually beneficial relationships with others, and I would much rather have a small circle of true friends than a massive group of casual friends.
I don’t need to accomplish everything I could have achieved.
I have many ideas and can connect seemingly unrelated pieces of information. In the 1970s, I worked with a team at the U of C, employing a new tool called monoclonal antibodies. We were using these antibodies as a research probe to study Multiple Sclerosis, but it was abundantly clear that they could also be used for clinical medical purposes, targeted cancer treatment being one of them. In medical school, I knew I could become a research doc and advance that (and other) ideas. However, I understood that I wasn’t happy as a researcher and wanted to pursue a clinical path; I abandoned the idea.
I started an multi-media company to educate lay people. My first education DVD received good reviews, but it took me hundreds of hours to create and produce. Although I had ideas for other DVDs, I wasn’t willing to spend every waking hour developing them.
The bottom line is that life involves balance. I couldn’t do it all if I wanted to have a full life. I wanted time to explore hobbies, have time for my wife, children, and friends, and to learn new things. This meant that I couldn’t always accomplish the big stuff. Having a balanced life turned out to be the right decision for me.
I have less need for “stuff.”
When I was younger, I saw the road to happiness and my credit card joined at the hip. I felt envy if I visited someone who had a larger house. “Someday, I will have that too.” The same could be said of anything that seemed better than what I had. Thank goodness that envy ended decades ago.
At that time, I went from a position of envy to a place of gratitude. There will always be someone who has something “better” than me, but there will always be someone worse off, too. Where do I find my happiness? The other day, I walked in a beautiful forest preserve just minutes from home. I brought a nice camera and took random photos of interesting subjects. At home, I made dinner for my family and a friend. We ate and talked and ate some more. It was a lovely day.
Random photo #1Random photo #2
I am so grateful to have good people in my life, that I’m relatively healthy, that I enjoy being creative and learning new things, and that I have so much beauty at my doorstep. There are so many things to be grateful for!
I value these things so much more than stuff.
I don’t worry about the clothes that I’m wearing.
I’m a basic guy. As a practicing doctor, I had to dress the part, and my closet was jammed with dress shirts and such. Recently, I decided to eliminate most of those shirts and almost all of my suits. I only wore suits when I had to, but I discovered that I had 8 of them! I tossed the worn clothes and gave away the nice shirts and suits.
My retirement wardrobe is effortless; I mostly wear jeans with a SmartWool tee or a polo shirt. I love the ease of choosing “one item from column A and one from column B,” and I’m dressed. At other times I’ll wear something fun. Why? Because I can wear what I want when I want to wear it.
Not exactly “doctor regulation clothing” but fun!
I no longer need to be perfect.
In the past, I felt that I needed to be perfect and that I had to have an encyclopedic knowledge of any topic. I would blame myself if I didn’t know something, even when I could not know it. This caused me stress.
I still try to do a good job. However, perfection is not possible. It is a relief to acknowledge that sometimes good is good enough.
I have no problem saying “No.”
In the distant past, I felt that if someone asked me to do something, I would have to say “OK.”
People ask me to do things all the time. I will often say yes, and it feels great to help someone. However, other times, someone wants me to do something I don’t want to do. Those requests can be minor or sometimes highly time-consuming. Long ago, I learned that a simple “No” sans any explanation was the way to go. One minute of discomfort can, at times, save months of agony.
I don’t always have to be productive.
When I worked 60+ hours a week, my free time was minimal. I remember sitting at my desk paying the household bills and feeling guilty that I wasn’t raking the leaves simultaneously. My limited time and excessive demands created an environment where I thought I had to produce something of value 24/7. That was not a healthy place to be.
In retirement, I have found the true joy of being while still doing things. Yesterday, I cleaned out the clothes occupying one foot of my closet, tossed out one large bag of junk from my basement, wrote part of this post, and helped my sister with some computer issues. However, that left time to do many other things, ranging from having coffee with a friend to studying an esoteric and useless topic. Oh, and I also took a nap-and didn’t feel a bit of guilt.
I don’t have a fear of the future.
How many times have I worried about something that never happened? How many times have terrible things happened without me seeing them approaching? The reality is that worry has never been a strategy for success. If I worry about something, I tell myself: Accept what I cannot change, change what I can, and know the difference between the two (paraphrased AA serenity prayer). Life happens. Good things happen. Bad things happen. I aim to live in the half-full glass zone, not the half-empty one. For every bad thing that has happened to me, I have had a dozen good things happen. Every morning brings a new day. My goal is to make the most of that day.
I no longer ignore the small things.
Life is not about a trip to Europe or the purchase of a new home. Those things are lovely but very episodic. Life is about the small stuff: drinking a good cup of coffee, spending time with a friend, having dinner and conversation with my family, going on a walk while intentionally observing all of the beauty around me, and learning something new, even if it has no practical application. There is so much joy in the small things. Why do people ignore these gifts? Not me.
I like cooking/baking and sharing it with people that I love. The Angle Food cake turned out great. My take on cheesy herbal muffins were a bit dry, but they ate them anyway!On another walk, I saw these tiny flowers. I thought they were so pretty that I had to photograph them. It would have been easy to miss them if I hadn’t been looking with intention.
I’m no longer hard on myself.
I have already said that I’m not perfect. That reality permeates every aspect of my life. However, I no longer beat myself up when I make a mistake. I try to learn from it and make it right if appropriate. I’m not perfect, but I’m good enough.
I no longer place unreasonable expectations on my family and friends.
We all want what we want. However, I try to view each close relationship as a gift. I want to have good people in my life who I love and who love me. However, they are individuals and have their own values and needs, which may differ from mine. I make a solid effort to accept them for who they are. However, I intentionally choose considerate people to be in my life. I try to be the same to them, and although we are not perfect bookends, we appreciate and value our connections.
Letting go of the above has made me a better and happier person. Each day is a gift to be celebrated and not squandered.
Why do we think that relationships are supposed to work magically, or conversely, why do we believe that relationships should be nothing but hard work?
We live in a world of unreasonable expectations, inflated self-worth, and changing roles. We also live in a world of failing relationships. Marketing executives tell us what should make us happy: things, trips, experiences. However, studies indicate that one of the most significant contributions to longevity, psychological health, and physical health is solid connections with others. Healthy connections can be with anyone: friends, relatives, children. However, the primary connection that many of us have is the connection we have with a life partner. We spend the most time with this person on both an immediate and a longitudinal basis. Classically, that person would be a spouse or a person in the role of a spouse.
Yet, we continue to see a degradation of this union. Traditional marriages have almost a 50% failure rate, with second marriages faring even worse. The average length of a first marriage is only eight years. The average length of a cohabitating couple staying together is 18 months to six years, depending on the study. Couples who live together before they are married have a higher marriage failure rate than those who follow a more traditional path.
Finding a relationship has shifted away from traditional avenues to online apps. The majority of women vie for the top 10% of men, meaning that many of these women become casual bonus relationships while 90% of the men face constant rejection. That rejection is often based on superficial requirements like being 6 feet tall or above or making a 6-figure salary.
The ease of hooking up almost anonymously doesn’t lead to a sense of liberation or empowerment, as studies show that both men and women often feel emptier after an encounter.
Although not for everyone, something must be said about a quality traditional committed relationship. The operative word here is quality. So many relationships start with high hopes, only to end in disaster. Conventional approaches to healing a failing relationship, such as couples therapy, may be effective only 50% of the time.
Is there a way to ensure that a committed relationship continues to thrive? That was the question that John Gottman, PhD, and his wife Julie Gottman, PhD, have been exploring for the last 50 years. Authors of over 40 books and several hundred scientific papers, it would be impossible to summarize all of their work in this short post. However, I thought I would highlight some of their observed findings.
The Gottmans discovered that some individuals were masters of relationships and were experts at nurturing connections with their significant other. Unfortunately, others were poor at maintaining relationships. The good news was that it is possible to learn how to become a master. Just like anything else, relationships require work and attention to thrive. However, the Gottmans note that having a good relationship doesn’t need to be a constant, exhausting effort.
One critical need is for partners to respond to little bids for connection from their counterparts. Bids for connection are simple statements that one partner says to the other. Statements like, “Oh, that tree has the most beautiful fall colors!” or “Can you come into the kitchen to check this out?” It was found that successful partners responded to these little bids around 86% of the time. Their response didn’t have to be much. “Yes, that tree is beautiful,” or “OK, I’ll be right there.” Poor prognosis couples only responded positively 33% of the time—the other 67% of the time, they ignored or turned away from their partner.
They also noted that successful couples often had rituals of connection, routine questions that showed interest in the other person, such as “How was your day?” or “What can I do for you this week to make you feel loved?” Our family always does “rose and thorns” at dinner time. Each person takes a turn and says the good and bad things they experienced during the last 24 hours. This ritual is simple but allows for further conversation and connection. We also know when some external force is negatively impacting one of us. We do many other simple things to acknowledge each other. For instance, if we hear someone coming into the house, we usually shout, “Welcome home!.” Naturally, there are also many specific points of connection that I specifically have with my wife—easy ways to connect via simple rituals.
The Gottmans note that partners should also openly discuss what is bothering them. The complainant should use “I ” rather than “you” statements. It is better to say, “I’m feeling exhausted making dinner every night,” rather than, “You are lazy and inconsiderate for not helping with dinner.” The latter just makes the recipient defensive. To continue to move the conversation forward, they suggest that the recipient ask questions like, “Tell me more about your concerns,” rather than instantly defending their position. The complainant’s job is not to blame but to express how something negatively impacts them.
They note that successful marriages often have patterns of behaviors that strengthen their bonds. One way to do this is to ask open-ended questions, which allow the other person to respond at length instead of with a one-word answer. It is better to say, “Tell me more about what is stressing you,” rather than “So you are stressed?” The more you know how your partner feels about something, the better you understand them.
Turning toward your partner when talking acknowledges that what they say is important to you. How many people turn away or look at their phone or TV when their partner tries to engage them? Such actions signal that their partner’s concerns are insignificant.
The Gottmans also noted the importance of expressing fondness for each other through words and touch. It doesn’t take much to say, “I love you,” or “You look very nice today.” Physical touch is vital in creating a bond between two people. That touch can be anything from intimate cuddling to holding hands. I’m a touchy guy, and I’m sure it is one of my “love languages.”
Successful couples are skilled at managing conflict. However, 70% of disputes that couples experience are non-resolvable. Therefore, it is necessary to face these situations with humor, grace, compromise, and acceptance.
I’m a person who does poorly with a lot of visual clutter. I like things to be neat and organized. Julie is more of a free spirit, and clutter doesn’t bother her. This was an unresolvable conflict in our marriage. Many years ago, I took over cleaning the house. This allowed me to establish simple courtesy rules for all members while freeing Julie from housecleaning tasks. If someone uses a dish outside of a meal, they must wash it and put it away. However, I make sure that the kitchen is clean and tidy. At the same time, I don’t mess with Julie’s areas, like the top of her dresser. Our differences remain, but we have found a way to move past them.
Likewise, I’m a chronic comparer and love examining how different products are similar and different. I’m a photographer and have over a dozen cameras of all types. Do I need that many cameras? No. However, they give me pleasure. I collect other things, too; many of those interests are temporary, and I usually give things away after ” studying” them. However, that is not the case with my cameras. Early in our marriage, Julie commented that I was pathological in my “collections.” I would counter with angry and defensive feelings as my collections never impacted us as a couple, and they were important to me. However, at some point, she understood that this “comparison” issue was something I had been doing since childhood, and it gave me a lot of pleasure. Would she prefer it if I had fewer collections? I’m confident the answer would be yes, but she now accepts who I am, and we can laugh about our mutual quirks.
Although 70% of conflicts are not resolvable, most are trivial, like the ones listed above. Of course, there can be times when a conflict is so significant that it can’t be accepted or laughed off, and there is no hope of resolution. However, those unacceptable conflicts are rarer than most couples believe.
The Gottmans also found that successful couples honor and support each other’s dreams. These dreams may be different for each individual. My thought is that there has to be balance here. Let’s say one partner gets involved in get-rich-quick scams, or the other wants to sell everything and move to Paris to live a Bohemian lifestyle. In those situations, it may not be possible for the other person to support the other’s dreams completely. However, there may be compromises. Perhaps a measured amount of resources can be spent on mildly risky financial opportunities, or a more spartan lifestyle further away from the rat race can be adopted. A couple’s bond is strengthened when each person’s dreams are respected.
Establishing rituals can also be an excellent way to build bonds. Let me share a somewhat embarrassing personal example with you. When dating Julie, I was gifted a giant magnum of costly champagne. Julie and I are not big drinkers, but quality champagne tastes more like fizzy grape juice than hard liquor (my unsophisticated opinion). I knew champagne didn’t age well, so I uncorked it on one Halloween over 30 years ago. On that day, I bought an enormous amount of candy, and we both ran to the door every time we heard the doorbell ring. The kids’ costumes became more impressive with each glass, and we wanted to see them all. At the same time, I had ordered a substantial Chinese take-out feast, which we were enjoying. It was a crazy and fun day despite the horrible headaches we both suffered the following morning. Although we have omitted the champagne part, we always have Chinese food on Halloween, and we still enjoy the Trick-Or-Treaters, who are so proud of their “disguises.” Chinese food on Halloween has become a ritual in our house.
Trust and commitment are critical components of successful couples. Can I trust that you have my back? Will you be there for me for life? If our situation changes, will you stick by me? If I become sick, will you support me or abandon me?
As a therapist, I sometimes treated a person or couple in an open marriage. These arrangements usually stipulate only physical and not emotional involvement with the third party. However, I often saw that emotional involvement did occur and that it would destroy the couple’s relationship. An even more destructive situation was when one person decided to go outside the marriage to find an affair partner. Trust and commitment are destroyed in such situations.
An affair partner can always look good, be nice, be supportive, and be exciting because they have none of the real-life issues married couples face. Statistics show that a vast percentage of relationships that start as an affair end badly when they go from an affair to a committed relationship. People who “cheat” often don’t stop in their next relationship.
The Gottmans also found predictors of relationship failures. They could easily predict what marriages would fail after watching a single argument. They call this destructive communication style the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”
The first horseman is criticism. This is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint. It is an attack on the person. A complaint would be, “I feel unappreciated when you leave your dishes around the house, and I have to collect and wash them.” A criticism would be, “You are so inconsiderate. You never think about how your behavior impacts me; you only think about yourself. You are useless and just cause me extra work! You are a horrible person!” Hopefully, you can see the difference between these two expressions.
The second horseman is contempt. This is far worse than criticism and is a powerful predictor of a future failed marriage. Contempt occurs when one person takes a superior position to the other. It often includes mocking, name-calling, cruel sarcasm, and scoffing. The goal is to demean the other person and make them feel worthless. Contempt implies that the perpetrator is superior to their partner. An example of contempt is, “How dare you complain that you’re tired. You only have to watch the kids and care for the house. How hard is that? I have to go to work and support the family. I have to do the real work. You are pathetic!” It doesn’t take much to realize how destructive a comment like that would quickly sour a marriage.
The third horseman is defensiveness, which is often a response to criticism. “Did you pick up the pie for the Smiths’ potluck?” A defensive response would be, “You know how busy I am. I can’t do everything. Why didn’t you do it?” There is no dialog; instead, there is anger and an effort to reverse blame.
The fourth horseman is stonewalling. This is when one partner simply shuts down and stops responding to their partner. They may turn away, get involved in something else (like playing a video game), or simply ignore their partner. This is often a response to contempt. Stonewalling is the result of being psychologically flooded. The person is so overwhelmed by the psychological attack that they are in flight or fight mode. Their ability to respond is hampered, as are their reasoning abilities. This is a natural response to a threat where escape and survival are at the forefront.
If a couple recognizes that they are doing the above, they can change their behavior. Otherwise, the relationship is doomed. All couples argue there is nothing wrong with having conflict. The key is knowing how to “fight right.” One method is to listen and not interrupt others when they share their concerns. The Gottmans even suggest having the recipient write them down, as this reduces defensiveness and angry reactions (obviously, this would be for more serious problems, not forgetting to pick up a pie).
They also note that business approaches to conflict resolution do not work in these emotional situations. Doing a cost/benefit exercise is not going to help. Listening, asking open questions, taking responsibility, and acknowledging the other person’s concerns are more essential tools. A sincere apology has a lot of power.
An abundance of research data suggests that good relationships increase a person’s psychological health, physical health, and longevity. As the population moves toward an app-based selection method for potential partners, superficial identifiers often replace more valuable characteristics like kindness, empathy, cooperation, and compassion. Apps have turned potential partner selection into just another marketplace where you go to purchase a product—turning a person into an object to deliver something to the recipient. Such a position is destructive to building a genuine relationship. Relationships have to be mutually beneficial to work; those benefits are often mutually supportive, as shown by the Gottmans’ research.
Here is the good news. If you, as a couple, understand and implement what the Gottmans suggest, you can transform a doomed relationship into a successful one. I mentioned the concept of being a master of relationships. If you practice their suggestions, those skills will extend well beyond your couple’s relationship and benefit your other life connections. How cool is that?
Being kind and considerate towards your partner is not co-dependent; it is an active and thoughtful process that also respects your values and needs. However, it may feel contrary to our societal norms, filled with anger and dissatisfaction.
It is so acceptable to use the word hate. “I hate him!” It is harder to say the word love when using it as it was intended to be used. Don’t you find that strange? Image the power of two people working towards common goals who support and love one another. Compare that to a couple that constantly finds fault with each other. Why does the latter seem much easier in our society than in the former?
Relationships are not rocket science, but they require some thinking and effort. Why would anyone believe differently?
Peace
Mike
Here is an old joke I would sometimes tell couples:
A woman goes to see a therapist. “How can I help you,” asked the therapist. “I hate my husband, and I want you to tell me how to punish him. I really want him to suffer. I want to hurt him!” The therapist said he was reluctant to help, but in the end, he agreed. “OK, this is what you have to do. You need to treat him real well. Tell him that you love him. On occasion, pick up his favorite treats for no reason. Kiss him goodbye when he goes out. Compliment him when he looks nice. Be kind and supportive of him. Then, when he falls back in love with you, leave him!” The lady chuckled in a sinister way, nodded her head, and left the office. Three months later, the therapist saw her name on his schedule. The lady came into the office, and she was beaming. In fact, she looked 10 years younger. “I guess you did what I told you to do and then dumped him,” said the therapist. “Yes, I did exactly what you told me to do, but dump him? Are you kidding? My husband is treating me like a queen. Our marriage marriage has never been better!”
In celebrating the ritual of “Father’s Day,” Julie made an effort to make me a special meal.It is essential to have fun in a relationship. Friends invited us to a party where we had to “act” certain parts. I was told to be a rough greaser, and Julie was given the part of a 1950s prim prissy high school girl. Why not have fun with such an experience?
When I told my father my plans he was clearly displeased. It was a spring day, and I was talking to him in his south suburban backyard. “Dad, I’m going to specialize in psychiatry.” His response was quick and sharp, “Why would you want to do that? You should become a real doctor. Psychiatrists aren’t doctors.”
By that point in my life, I had long charted my own course. I listened respectfully, but internally, I ignored his commands. I no longer needed his approval, and my conversation was more perfunctory rather than advice-seeking. He had his agenda, and I had mine. Since my decision would directly impact me, it was my decision to make. I subtly changed the topic to something that I knew would interest him. It was a deliberate manipulation on my part to a neutral subject, and the conversation moved forward.
His question was valid for other reasons. Why had I decided on this career path? My answer was both surprising yet understandable.
There are certain key events in my life that I write about repeatedly. They serve as markers that indicate significant changes in my knowledge of myself and the world around me. They are the road signs to my life. Many other factors are equally important, but these events note a change in understanding or direction. A fork in the road that led to a different journey.
I often talk about my dyslexia, a diagnosis that is only partially accurate. I use the term because it is relatable. In reality, I have a variety of processing differences that can make simple tasks difficult for me. For instance, I can visualize abstract concepts but can’t assemble a simple children’s jigsaw puzzle. This processing disparity was evident when I was in second grade and couldn’t read. In the early 1960s, the concept of learning disabilities was utterly foreign at the Catholic grade school that I attended. My teacher, a nun, recognized that I was smart and erroneously concluded that my inability was caused by a vision problem, which prompted my parents to get me a pair of glasses. This was a significant expense, and my father was not pleased, but he complied.
I was hoping for a miracle and was crushed to discover that they did little to translate the incomprehensible set of symbols that moved around the page with a mind of their own. I was at a phase in my life when I thought that any imperfection in me reflected poorly on my family and parents, and I was terrified of gaining even more displeasure from my father.
Yet, I had a certain confidence in myself, likely boosted by my teachers, who would comment on how smart I was. I had to devise a solution, and I felt confident I could. But what resources did I have? How could I take something I already had and use it as a tool? The answer came to me via the Sunday comics. There was a strip called “Nancy” that was very simple in both its storyline and vocabulary. I could piece together the words by tying them to the pictures. The traditional way I was being taught to read would never work for me because I could not see the separation between words and lines of text. However, if I viewed a word as a shape instead of a series of letters, I could decipher its meaning. My brain could do that, and print started to make sense. I did many other things to teach my brain how to read. Soon, an entire world of information was revealed to me. By the time I took my 4th-grade achievement tests, I was testing at the 11th-grade level.
I was a big kid, so I can’t say that I was the object of a lot of bullying. I was part of the mass group of kids; neither a member of the popular crowd nor the reject group. I had friends, and I did things. Yet, I felt like an imposter. Subjects that interested my friends didn’t particularly interest me, and things that I was interested in held no interest with them. I learned that to be accepted, I would have to show interest in what interested them while hiding those things that I was interested in.
My salvation was science, and my teachers were the pseudo-scientists of the B science fiction movies that I would watch on late-night TV. My ultimate hero and male role model was Don Herbert, AKA “Mr. Wizard” of TV fame. Mr. Wizard seemed to have the answer to how everything and anything worked. He showed me that there was a method to understanding, a way to prove ideas, and a methodology to learning. What he demonstrated formally was consistent with what I had been doing organically. Mr. Wizard didn’t know me, but he understood me. He had to, as what he was explaining on TV was exactly how I was already solving problems. Mr. Wizard allowed me to feel “normal.” I no longer believed I had to fake who I was; at least one person understood me.
My success in learning how to read taught me that authorities didn’t always know what was best and that there were solutions to seemingly impossible problems if I allowed myself to think outside the box. Mr. Wizard gave me a formal set of rules to test ideas. Science and math provided the tools to implement those solutions. I was suddenly empowered.
It was only natural that I would pursue science, and as I have said in a previous post, the most logical course of action would have been to obtain a Ph.D. and pursue a university career. I’m a rational person who examines potential outcomes, plots a course to achieve a particular goal, and then pursues that goal with force and dedication. It works… well, sort of… well, sometimes…well, hmmm..ummm…keep reading.
I have already told you how I successfully reached my goal of graduate school and even had the school pay for my education. A perfect plan? Then, despite all logic to the contrary, I had an irresistible urge to abandon my plan and apply to medical school, which was an insane idea that was bound to fail. I knew that I would never be accepted into medical school. All of my logic, all of my “scientific method,” and all of my dreams were tossed aside for a whim. Yet, that was precisely what I did; I allowed a force outside of myself to control my actions. I was as shocked as anyone when multiple medical schools accepted me. Many of them referred to how meaningful my personal statement was to them. Here was a kid who couldn’t read in second grade who was now moving doctors with his writing. Life is strange, isn’t it?
I have always had an immense interest in the interface between chemistry and biology. My graduate work centered on changes to proteins as they are extruded through a bacteria’s cell membrane. During my application to med school year, I left grad school and got a research job at the University of Chicago using tissue culture models to study Multiple Sclerosis. We were using a cutting-edge technology (this was in the 1970s) called monoclonal antibodies to create specific markers. Even then, I could see how such a targeted method could be utilized clinically, from cancer treatment to fighting infections. However, those advancements would be decades in the future.
Logic would dictate that I pursue an area of medicine that incorporated my scientific knowledge with clinical practice. The options were plenty: internal medicine sub-specialties like infectious diseases and endocrinology to specialties like Neurology. I knew that one of those areas would be a perfect fit. However, they weren’t.
I was so excited to do my internal medicine rotations, but they disappointed me. I spent 90% of my time running down labs, examining scans, and writing notes. The time that I spent with patients was minimal. It felt like I was back in the lab, but my subjects were humans this time. As a family practice doctor, I may have been happy as that medicine was more integrative. However, family practice options were discouraged at Northwestern. When I asked the medical school dean why, he responded, “Our mission is to produce specialists.” Despite this, my problem-solving and goal-direction abilities pointed me toward an internal medicine subspecialty. It was where my background and interests led me.
Psychiatry was never a consideration. I had some fears about the profession. My mother was frequently hospitalized for ketoacidosis, a condition caused by her out-of-control diabetes. Once, she was in a medical unit that shared a floor with Christ Hospital’s psych unit. That unit had an imposing locked metal door with a thin slit window made more solid with embedded mesh wire. It was scary looking, but young me was curious. I crept up to the door and, with all the courage I could muster, looked into the window, not knowing what to expect. From out of nowhere, a face appeared directly opposite me. A deranged and disheveled-looking man started to shout at me and threaten me. His face was one inch from mine, only separated by a thin piece of glass.
Along with his verbal threats, he started to beat on the door, and I could feel the vibrations inside my chest. I wanted to escape but felt frozen. My heart was racing, and I was overcome by fear. Eventually, I broke away and ran down the hall. In the background, I could hear laughing. At the time, it sounded like an insane laugh reminiscent of those heard in horror movies. In retrospect, I believe it was the laugh of someone who felt he had just played the greatest joke on an unsuspecting, nosey kid. However, it took me quite some time before I deciphered that realization. I was freaked out for years, and at one point, I even had a fear that I could accidentally be locked up in a psych unit, never to escape.
Our family has an intuitive psychological understanding, which stems from my mom. However, I never thought of pursuing psychology in any form. I was a science guy and never took a psychology course as an undergrad.
Medical students rotate through all of the specialties as part of their training, and at Northwestern, all M3s are required to do a 6-week general psych rotation. This rotation was a low priority for me, and my main concern was completing it as simply as possible. I wanted a site close to Northwestern’s downtown campus for convenience and picked the least desirable one because it was only a block away. I knew I would get it because no one else would want it. It was a drop-in center for the sickest psych patients, the most chronically ill. There, they could socially mingle, play a game, attend a group, get medically seen, and renew their prescriptions. Fellow students told horror stories about bizarre behavior and poor hygiene. No one wanted that rotation, so I picked it. I could survive anything for six weeks, and I wouldn’t have to travel to a distant site to complete my obligation.
My first day was as expected: bizarre, often disheveled individuals milling about, talking, and sometimes shouting to themselves. Mismatched clothes, sometimes garish makeup. “It is only six weeks out of my life,” I told myself. “I’ll do this one day at a time.” I had many obligations at that place, from doing initial psychiatric evaluations, to being a group therapy leader, to helping manage meds, to injecting patients with long-acting antipsychotics. However, I also had more free time than was typical for a clinical rotation. I started to hang around the day room. Sometimes, I would sit in the day room and read; at other times, I would play a game with a client. Eventually, something strange happened. Patients would come up to me and start a conversation. Those conversations were not about meds or the latest therapy; they were about their lives, hopes, and dreams. They would ask me about me, not in an intrusive way but in an interested way. I was becoming part of their group. They seemed to look forward to seeing me.
One day, a client could be rational, on the following day, completely psychotic. As they gained trust in me, they let me into their life, and I developed an admiration for them. Despite having constant hallucinations and delusions, many could still navigate the world, form relationships, and problem-solve. I would lack these abilities under such circumstances. Many lived a life of scorn and rejection, yet many of their desires were no different from mine. They wanted to connect with others, have value, and have those basic needs that we all require. In this crazy setting, I was doing what I wanted: helping someone improve their life, even if it was just a tiny bit. Knowing the biochemistry of psych meds helped, but just relating to them as human beings was just as important. I looked forward to showing up, playing a game of checkers, or talking to them about their past and present lives. I always felt different growing up, but kind individuals seemed to find me and convinced me that being different was OK.
Here, I was dealing with people who had problems very different from mine, people who were very different from me, yet all I could see was how similar we were underneath. These were human beings, not trash. They deserved to have the best life that they could. I felt called to spend time with them.
Once again, my logic, planning, and goal-setting were about to be tested. I had so much training in hard science, but much of Psychiatry was soft science. However, my course of action was right before me and couldn’t be ignored. Hard science told me that I could use powerful drugs to block dopamine receptors and reduce psychotic symptoms. However, soft science showed me that listening and relating to another human could be even more powerful. My beliefs were being challenged, but I was willing to listen. But was this experience a fluke? The only way to find out was to test the hypothesis, and I did that by picking psych electives that were completely different from my drop-in center experience. I did, and my mind did not change.
And so it started: residency, becoming chief resident, jobs, co-founding a clinic, working with the underserved, then… then…then.
Do you ever think there is some guiding force beyond yourself that directs you if you allow that direction? A guardian angle? God’s direct interest in you? Some other force. Despite all of my planning, logic, and science, my best decisions in life seem to come from outside of me. Interesting, no?
I spent many years sitting at this desk in my co-founded clinic.
I started my van life journey very simply. I pushed down the seats of my SUV and slept on an air mattress topped with a sleeping bag. In a laundry basket I had a small cook kit, a stove, a tarp, a flashlight, paper towels, matches, and a few other things. My clothes were in a duffel bag and I kept some food in a cooler and a box. This was all that I needed, and it alerted me to the reality that you don’t need very much to get by. However, I wanted to upgrade which led me to purchasing a Ram Promaster high-top in 2018.
Here I am in 2018 with my Promaster. It was a stock model with nothing in it. I had to add the side and back windows, and just about everything else. My very talented friend, Tom said he would help me build it out but I didn’t want to burden him with such a mammoth task so I found Wayfarer Vans in Colorado Springs and had them install a kit which made the van camping ready. However, I have heavily modified the van ever since with my friend and it has always been a fun way to build something together (I’m the chief screwdriver finder).
Violet’s innards from another angle. In this photo you can see that I had a side window and rear windows installed. I had this done locally at a custom RV/van shop in the city. I’m not very big on driving in huge cities, but I can do it if the motivation is high enough. Wayfarer now offers a lot of customization options, but in 2018 it was up to the van’s owners to get the van ready for modification.
Violet proudly showing off her side window.
One of the first things that we did was to install a roof fan and the solar panels. Both of these things were must for me and I use them on every trip. I have 400 watts of solar which charges my main battery and allows me to operate at almost 100 percent electric. The fan really helps to vent out the hot air and bring in the cool air at night.
Here you can see the vent fan from the inside. This fan can operate in two directions (pulling in air, or pushing out air). If you decide on adding a vent fan I would suggest getting one that can do this.
Here you can see my basic Wayfarer built. Compare this to my SUV photo and you can see that I have gone far up in van life status. The construction is very solid and has stood the test of time for 6 years. The box on the left is supposed to be a boot box, but it became my power station. Note the kitchen with a sink. Although functional, it did not suite my needs as I never really used the sink due to the mess. It had a 7 gallon water tank and a 7 gallon grey water tank that I had to wrestle with, and I didn’t like dealing with smelly grey water. We built a kitchen that better suited my needs. Also note the cavernous under the bed space. It was designed for adventure cargo, like a bike. However, I wanted to organize the space better for general van life.
Here I’m at Wayfarer Vans picking up my newly converted van. It only took them a morning to do what would have taken me a couple of months.
One of our first projects was to build out an under-the-bed storage space (#3). That has been one of my favorite modifications. This allowed a dedicated space for a slide out fridge (#1), as well as baskets that serve as my main pantry (#2).
The second photo shows the storage box from the “garage” end. Everything is very organized and there is still plenty of room for gear.
We opened up the “boot box” and converted it into a power station. My main battery and accessory battery gives me 4KW of power. Enough for just about any tasks that I need. I’m conservative with my power use and rarely dip below 80% battery. I have multiple ways to recharge my battery, but typically the solar panels are enough. I can also charge from my car battery/alternator. Lastly, I have a small gas generator, but I have never had to use it.
Another early project were these puck lights. However, they are also a regret as they are constantly disconnecting requiring me to take down panels to find the short. They use a remote control and I have had to replace the remote module a number of times. Now I more often use other sources of light.
I use every nook and cranny in Violet. Another project was installing a Wabasto gas heater (#1). The heater taps directly into Violet’s gas tank and barely sips any gas. I would say that its output is similar to one of those little electric heaters, which is enough to allow me to camp in the Winter. So far I have been comfortable with temperatures in the teens (Fahrenheit). You can also see my emergency toilet (#3). I have tried a couple of different types and am currently using a collapsible one. I seem to always find an alternate toilet option, but it feels good to have this backup “just in case.” The rectangular box (#2) is a 2000 watt quality inverter that takes power from my car battery and coverts it to AC power. This is an alternative way to charge my house battery when I’m driving. Now DC to DC chargers are popular, but they weren’t when I built out Violet. My solution may be a bit less efficient, but it works fine for me and also gives me an extra source of AC power. I originally had a no-name Chinese inverter that promised high output, but didn’t deliver so I went with a brand-name and I am glad that I did.
I also carry this small power bank which I can charge with a folding solar panel. I can take it out of the van to power devices like my video projector or computer, and use it inside for a convenient way to charge my phone. I like this particular battery bank as it re-charges very quickly. Some similar units charge very slowly. I believe in the motto ABC (always be charging). When I have shore power I like to charge everything to 100%.
A carpet is a must to keep dirt at bay. We cut this one to look like a wall to wall carpet, but it easily pulls out. My son asked why I got this pattern, but when he went camping with me he understood why-it hides dirt!
When I camp alone I almost always boon dock. However, when I’m camping with my wife or my son I will usually stay at campgrounds. Some smaller campgrounds will only have this type of power connector, so it is a good idea to have on board a simple 30 Amp to 20 Amp converter plug. They are inexpensive and can be found everywhere from Amazon to Walmart.
This is what the adapter looks like. I have used it many times over the years to convert a 30A socket into a 20A (typical) socket.
Another thing that Tom and I added was cruise control. It was a simple install and has made long drives a lot easier.
We also added swivel front seats. I have never used the swivel drivers seat, and rarely swivel the passenger seat. However, my wife uses it all of the time. This highlights the fact that what I find necessary, you may not. Hindsight suggests that it is better to build out slowly when you know what you actually need rather than trying to figure everything out in the beginning. You can also see my first attempt at a power station, an enormously heavy GoalZero 1250. I gifted that to Tom and his camping adventures when I upgraded to a lithium system.
A must is a garbage system that can be as elaborate or as simple as you want. I hang a grocery bag on the driver’s arm rest and change it out daily. It may not look great, but it works really well. I have never had a need to upgrade it.
Last summer’s project was to completely re-build the kitchen. I have enough power to go all electric, and I used an induction hob and a small microwave. I also have a capsule coffee pot as well as a small electric pressure cooker. When I’m solo I cook very simply, but when my wife or son are on board I tend to make real meals. I want their experience to be a good one.
This is my old kitchen setup using the Wayfarer kitchen. You can see the sink that I never used. Additionally, I had an induction hob mounted to the countertop which worked well, but took up valuable space. On the right side you see a microwave oven as well as a hassock toilet. I’m constantly changing things around. Why? Because its fun!
This summer Tom and I built a new kitchen that was better for my particular needs. By eliminating the sink, building in the hob and the microwave, and extending the countertop, I added an enormous amount of usable space. As an aside, we harvested the wood for the countertop from fallen trees. Tom used the planks to make flooring for his house, but there was some wood left over and that wood became Violet’s counter top.
In van life you can never have too many fans. There are a lot of small USB fans that are cheap, move a lot of air, and barely use any power. I’ll often use one in conjunction with my roof fan on very hot days.
Another one of my missteps. We installed a water port for the sink, and the sink is now gone. I also installed a power port, but I find it easier to run an outdoor extension cord through the sliding door.
I’m a little mixed on this one, a cellular signal booster. The improvement in cell reception has mostly been marginal, but recently it allowed me to very slowly view some webpages that would not have been possible with just my phone. Was that worth all of the money that I spent for the gadget? I don’t know.
Most of us use our phones to navigate. However, your phone’s GPS app requires a reasonably good cell connection to download maps. Two summers ago I installed a new radio that also has GPS as this unit has all of the maps preloaded. I have been in many places where Google maps won’t function (poor cell reception), but this unit does. This was an expensive upgrade, but you could also just buy an inexpensive dedicated GPS device off of eBay.
I also have an inexpensive dash cam. To be honest, I’m not sure I know how to get the videos off the camera. Fingers crossed that I won’t have to.
I mentioned that you need a light source. It is also important to have a portable light. This USB headlamp does the job for me, but there are many other options available.
A portable radio is a very nice addition. Yes, you have your car’s radio, but that could potentially run your battery down. I think I bought this radio off of eBay (note the Chinese hanzi). I have been in places with little cell signal so I can’t stream, but I can always get radio signals. A portable radio allows me to listen to the news and music when I’m sitting in a chair outside. Surprisingly, I seem to always find a NPR station. NPR has a lot of podcast like shows.
I also have an inexpensive “weather station.” Violet can get pretty hot in the summer heat and pretty cold in the winter freeze. I have found this little gadget informative over the years.
Since I no longer have a sink, you may wonder how I wash my dishes. I wipe off the remaining food with a paper towel, then spray with 100% vinegar, then wipe that off. It works as well as soap and water, but it doesn’t use up any water, and I have no smelly grey water to deal with.
Another addition that I added was this hitch for a bike carrier. Necessary if you want to take a bike with you, otherwise unneeded. Of course you can also pack a bike inside the van, but that can be a hassle.
This may seem like a no-brainer, but having a a decent water bottle is a must for so many reasons.
The simple water system that I have used for a number of years. This carboy holds 2 gallons of water, and I have 2, 3 gallon refill jugs in the van’s “garage.”
It goes without saying that you must have some sort of a first aid kit. I customized mine with things that I use. You can often buy small quantities of OTC meds at dollar stores making it inexpensive to change them out every year or two. I always have a variety of bandages, Motrin, anti-diarrhea meds, anti-histamines, kineseology tape, and other stuff on hand. I usually wind up taking a Motrin several times during any trip. Last summer I managed to poke a very sharp knife in my hand while trying to open a package. I was bleeding so much that I was leaking through band-aids. I taped the wound together with kineseology tape and that saved the day.
Another wonderful addition was a 3″ memory foam mattress pad that I added to the existing Wayfarer pad. I’m a big guy and a side sleeper, so I need the extra cushioning. Installing the pad took about 1 minute and it was a game changer for me.
This steering wheel desk turns Violet into an office on wheels. You can buy plastic ones very inexpensively on Amazon. However, my steering wheel was an odd size and the plastic one didn’t fit flat so we made our own.
When it’s hot and you have no shade you soon realize, “I need some shade!” There are many solutions and I have tried two of them. In the first photo I’m using a patio umbrella adapter on my hitch. That worked fine, but the MoonShade was more compact and did a better job. Neither require any permanent installation.
This may be hard to see, but you are looking at one of my absolutely most favorite things-rain guards! They allow me to keep my windows cracked during the rain and at night. They are an absolute must and take less than 5 minutes to install.
There are many other things that have made my van life easier. Some I use regularly, like a folding BBQ grate. Some things I use on occasionally, like a butane stove that allows me to cook outdoors. Some items I rarely use, but I’m glad that I have them, like a tow rope, traction mats, a tire pump, and a jump starter. Some are just fun, like my Omnia Oven.
I’m a life long camper, have been vehicle camping for a long time, and van camping for 6 years. I’m also a gadget guy so I’m constantly upgrading and changing things as that is part of my fun. I thought I would share some of my gear with you today. Your needs and desires may be completely different from mine. Do your own thing, and HAPPY CAMPING!
A dear friend and former colleague recently wrote to me about my blog post, “Love Bombing: How To Control Others With Love.” He noted:
Your most recent blog was a reach coming from you – not sure what made you write that – as always quite well thought out and on target and educational but did not seem like the usual “mike.”
I thought, “Hmm, this could be another subject for a blog post!”
For those interested, I thought I would share why I write what I write, and at the end of this post, I will tell you why I specifically wrote about Love Bombing.
First, I love to put thoughts on paper for the same reason that I love to teach. It gives me a lot of pleasure (for whatever reason) to pass on information. I remember that in my teaching days, I would try to organize a lecture so that the poorest student would understand it while still stimulating the best student. For me, that was always an interesting challenge. Putting something in writing has a secondary benefit for me; I understand the topic better. I have to use my organizational skills to “put all of the pieces together” and present a flow of information where one idea connects to another.
Additionally, I like the idea of connecting different ideas that may seem unrelated to the reader in an effort to add some variety to what I’m writing. It is my hope that the reader starts out thinking, “Why did he add that?” And in the end, they think, “Oh, that’s why!” It is just more silliness on my part.
Different people process information in different ways. Some people are splitters; they are great at splitting up information into different groups or categories. I’m a glommer, and I tend to see similarities in things. Everything seems to connect to everything else in my mind. However, one of my favorite things to do is to compare things, which forces me to go from glomming to splitting. I’m also constantly exploring how similar things are different and have been doing that my entire life. In fact, when I was 4, I would collect pencils and do a “detailed analysis” of everything from the quality of the paint to the smoothness of the pencil’s lead. Ha, I never said I was “normal.”
So you have a person whose brain naturally gloms everything together who then enjoys splitting those groups apart. It feels natural to me, but it sounds strange when I put this process on paper.
When I first started this blog, the purpose was to see how honest and revealing I could be in a public forum. It was a proof of concept project for future work. Then the blog then became a legacy project for my kids and grand kids. It is still that, but after thousands of pages, it is evolving into a pleasure project. I enjoy writing, and I have a secret hope that at least one person who reads my posts will benefit from it.
When I was working, my time was extremely constrained, and any learning had to be focused on a purpose. However, those constraints have been lifted from me, and I can now spend as much time on any topic as I choose. You see some of that in my writing. In one post, I may talk about the importance of healthy relationships; in the next post, I might discuss the physics of induction hobs. Since I gain nothing financially from my posts, I have no need to build a following. If that was my purpose, I would have focused on a particular area where I’m particularly knowledgeable, like psychology or photography. I think that would get boring for me. Keeping everything loosey goosey gives me the flexibility to want to keep on writing. Does that make this a vanity project? I don’t know, but who cares?
So now that all of these generalities have been covered, let’s do a deep dive into why I wrote about love bombing… and it all started with a YouTube video.
One day, a video appeared on my YouTube feed from a channel called “Catfished.” In the video, a wife was asking for help to convince her husband that a supermodel porn star was not in love with him. I’m not going to be very PC here, but this was a very average-looking couple in their 50s. In many ways, it seemed like the guy had hit the jackpot with his wife. She was organized and was much more financially responsible than he was. She seemed to be intelligent and had a genuine concern for him. It was clear that she was the driving force that kept the house afloat. In fact, I believe that the husband moved into her house.
I would say that she was the better-looking of the two. He looked somewhat disheveled, almost dirty, and clearly did not make his personal appearance a priority. He had been trolling dating sites when he came upon his girlfriend, and they “instantly connected.” She said all of the right things. She showered him with attention, sexualized the conversation, and noted that they were “twins” and “soulmates.” Then she started to ask him for money, which he willingly sent, much of it from the mutual accounts held with his wife (which is how the wife discovered what he was doing).
The woman of his dreams was in her 20s, was drop-dead gorgeous, and her photos were highly eroticized. He was very quick to toss his wife aside, noting that he never really loved her. Yet, he continued to live at home and seemed to have zero problems cohabitating with his wife as she made his meals and did his laundry.
The Catfished team came in and proved that his girlfriend was a scammer and, in fact, was a man posing to be a supermodel. The photos were stolen from the internet, and the images were taken from a porn star. They even got the porn actress to video call the guy and tell him that she was not his girlfriend. He agreed to break off contact with the scammer, and (for whatever reason) his wife was willing to give him another chance. However, the scammer continued to contact him and told him that the real actress was fake, and the guy believed it. By then, the wife had had enough, and their relationship was over. I have to wonder how long the scammer continued to contact him once his former wife closed the guy out of her bank accounts.
When you watch one type of video, YouTube’s algorithm gives you more, and I watched them. They all had a similar tone. Beautiful, successful, and rich fictional people professing their love (and requesting money) to very average-looking victims. In some cases, the scammer destroyed a marriage; in other cases, they preyed on lonely single people who were convinced that they were being courted by A-level lovers.
It was amazing how easily these people were able to be conned, some sending hundreds of thousands of dollars to their online “friends” with the promise that the most recent cash infusion would bring their internet lover into their arms. It was also clear that these scammers were using a defined playbook, as many of the plot lines were similar. I was witnessing a mass scam that was taking cash from victims as easy as taking candy from a baby. All using the simple technique of love bombing.
This made me think of other institutionalized ways that people love bomb others in order to manipulate them, hence the references to grooming and the like.
However, this type of manipulation didn’t originate as a way to deliberately manipulate others; it originated on a one-to-one basis, and that was something that I was very familiar with in my psychiatric practice. Hence, the paragraphs on love bombing and personality disorders.
It made more organizational sense to start out with individuals, then look at individuals who were actively conning, and then the more “institutionalized” methods of love bombing, like the Catfished example. For me, it was a fun article to write.
So there you have it. Now you know how I pick topics and why they may seem so varied on the surface. Like all of us, I’m not a one-trick pony, and since I don’t rely on my blog to generate income, I have the unmistakable pleasure of writing whatever I happen to be pondering at that moment. A perfect way for me to write!
Barb sat behind me in my 10th-grade geometry class, and we spent most of the period passing notes to each other. Barb had no interest in Geometry, and I seemed to “get it,” making it unnecessary for me to follow the endless solutions that the teacher chalked out on the slate blackboard at the front of the room.
She was what I would call a casual friend and was not in my group of close friends. Most of our notes consisted of trivial things. Did the other person see a new movie? Wasn’t today’s class especially boring? Why was the room so hot today? But all that changed with a party.
Barb went to a party and spent some time with James. They “made out.” This catapulted Barb into a frenzy, and she became obsessed with him. Now, the questions were different. Did I see James today? What was he wearing? What was his mood like? She would even ask me what socks he had on. To be honest, I often made up an answer as my focus on James was less intense than hers, and the answers to her questions had no real impact on either of us.
Barb deliberately put herself in situations where she would run into James. She would come up with reasons to interact with James, offer him special treats, and even bake him a batch of cookies. For a period, I would classify her actions as bordering on stalking behavior.
For Barb, James had become the center of her universe. He was perfect in every way. He could do no wrong. If he looked at her, it was a declaration of love. If he talked to her, it was a sign that he was as committed to her as she was to him. That is until Barb found out that James was dating someone else. She was devastated, hurt, and angry. James went from being a god to being garbage.
At the time, I thought Barb’s reaction to James was excessive. However, she was a 15-year-old girl influenced by a hormonal upswing and romantic movies. Although on the extreme, her behavior was in the normal range. However, if Barb had acted similarly at age 18, something would have been off. If she acted similarly at 21, I think it would be safe to say that her behavior was approaching pathology.
In recent posts, I have discussed the withdrawal of love in parental alienation and written many posts on the importance of healthy love in relationships. Today, I’ll examine how some people weaponize love to manipulate others. That process is called love bombing.
A hormonal attraction to another person is one of the most powerful emotions on the planet. The ability to fall in love is hardwired in our brains for an important reason: reproduction. If a species doesn’t reproduce, it goes extinct, and hormonal love promotes having babies.
Everyone wants to feel hormonal love. It is euphoric, you feel giddy, problems disappear, and happiness becomes your dominant emotion. Of course, hormonal love is temporary, but hopefully, a more real love finds root in this process.
Novel and movie writers know this, and they often create plots that combine extreme versions of hormonal love (often labeled as romantic love) with resolvable conflict to create an irresistible formula.
It is important to understand that there are many forms of love. True love is not biased by any constraint and is a deep and fulfilling connection that you have with another person, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. True love is not sexual at all. One example is the love a parent feels for a child. Hormonal love is a different beast that may eventually be associated with true love. Hormonal love clouds the mind in many ways. Flaws in the partner and red flags are ignored, good qualities are overvalued, and logic goes out the window. I’m not talking about long-term romantic feelings; I’m talking about those novel feelings that one experiences when one clicks with an appropriate partner. In a perfect situation, this hormonal love will continue to become both true romantic love and the committed love that I mentioned above. This process ALWAYS takes time. Once a person gets past hormonal love, they need to get to know the other person and see them for who they truly are before they can reasonably determine the quality of the relationship.
It is relatively easy to manipulate another person and to trigger hormonal love in them. Additionally, many of those manipulation techniques can be modified to develop a strong and obsessive connection in individuals without the addition of real romantic love. The reality is that we are advanced animals, to be sure, but just like our pet dogs and cats, we respond in very predictable ways when given a set of prescribed triggers. Hormonal love is not magical; it’s hardwired in your brain. Sorry if I just burst your bubble.
The process of emotionally manipulating someone to think they are experiencing love is called love bombing, and it can be incredibly destructive to its victim. For this discussion, I will separate love bombing into three categories. Individualized love bombing, compound love bombing, and industrialized love bombing. These are not clinical terms; they are just my effort to organize the topic in a way that clearly illustrates this very manipulative behavior.
Individualized Love Bombing
Individualized love bombing is when one person sets out to manipulate another person for the first person’s benefit. The love bomber may be unaware of their destructive behavior, so how is this a manipulation? It is because their actions aim to achieve their end rather than a true mutual connection with the other person.
Individualized love bombing is often seen in people who have attachment issues. They have difficulty in forming true relationships with others. One large group of individuals who may love bombs belong to a psychiatric category called Cluster B Personality Disorders. This group includes Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Histrionic Personality Disorder. These are very distinct personality disorders, and books have been written about each one. A detailed analysis is well beyond the scope of this blog post. However, individuals in these groups generally can not form true relationships with others. Rather, they view their target as an object that can be used to meet their needs. That need may be attention, validation, sexual intimacy, and a variety of other wants. Also, note that these personality disorders exist on a spectrum of pathology, and therefore, some individuals have a complete inability to form a relationship with another person, while others may have some ability to do so. However, in most cases, the victim will wind up being short-changed. In my practice, I would treat victims who were in a constant state of relational confusion, often saying things like, “I always feel like I’m walking on eggshells.” Or “I never know what to expect when I walk through the door.”
Although individualized love bombing can be modified to manipulate any other person, it is most effective when combined with the promise of romantic love and physical intimacy, as these are such powerful motivators.
If you search on YouTube for “love bombing,” you will find many videos with titles like “The four signs that you are being love bombed” or “The seven signs of love bombing.” I think such categorizations both complicate and limit the topic. Let me clarify: A love bomber will attempt to be your everything quickly. They will do things to isolate you from others. They will play on your weaknesses to achieve their goal. They will stroke your ego.
At times, a love bomb attack is a one-way ticket where the victim is used up and discarded. At other times, the victim will enter a cycle that starts from being placed on a pedestal to a time of conflict, to devaluation, to reconciliation, and then to being on a pedestal again. It all depends on the particular needs of the love bomber.
Both men and women can love bomb using very similar techniques but with some modifications. Despite changing gender roles, most men and women intrinsically respond to techniques as old as time. This may offend some readers, but it is a fact.
Many women have been raised with the “Pretty Woman” concept. In the movie, a rich man showers a working girl with love and attention; he buys her expensive gifts, takes her to exotic places, and fulfills her life in every way possible. He is masculine, tough, and ruthless to the outside world but gentle and kind to her. Only she is privy to this special part of his inner life. Only she holds the key. Only she understands him. He makes her feel safe and secure. He loves her despite any past issues that she has had. He doesn’t care because he sees her inner beauty. And, of course, this love will last forever.
Think of all the romance novels and romcoms that use this plot line. Heck, think of all of the fairy tales that successfully use it. “Happily Ever After “is a fantasy life without having to do a ton of relational work. It is not real life. Fifteen-year-old Geometry Barb can be given a pass for believing it. A 21-year-old Barb would be considered foolish and stupid to buy into it. Yet, women of all ages and sophistications fall for love bombing because a skilled love bomber has mastered the art of customizing their approach to the victim.
Men have different vulnerabilities. Think of movies many men are attracted to, such as superhero movies, war movies, and movies containing highly successful men. Many men would like to be James Bond. Handsome, knowledgeable, powerful, a bit of a rogue, fantastic sexually, sophisticated, and a chick magnet.
OK…yes, not every man and woman fits these categories, but many do, often on very hidden and primitive levels. However, some key is always available to start a quick attachment. Of course, some individuals are more susceptible than others. A love bomber is an expert at finding out what a person needs and giving those things in abundance. Anything can be said or offered since there is no “real” in the relationship. Love bombers are like politicians. They can promise you anything, but false promises are just that.
An even more dangerous form of love bombing is what I call “compound love bombing,” where the bomber also actively plans how to manipulate the victim. For instance, a male love bomber may create a situation to isolate his female victim by taking them to an isolated “romantic” location. He can exert more control over his victim to achieve his objective there. Naturally, such an offer will be presented as a loving gesture rather than what it is.
Let’s look at a classic love bomb situation. In this example, I’ll explore a female who love bombs a male, as most of the examples that you will find on the internet involve males who love bomb females.
A female love bomber will exploit the vulnerabilities of the male victim, and that will vary, but let’s assume a classic approach. The female bomber will be overly interested in the victim, interested in what they have to say, giving them endless validation, interested in their interests, and fascinated by their conversation and opinions. The female love bomber will do things to isolate the victim from others. This could be physical isolation (always being with the victim) or emotional isolation by subtly devaluing the victim’s friends or family. The female love bomber will shower the victim with compliments, telling them that they are sexy, fantastic lovers, like no other man that they have ever known before, and of course, the “twin flame” gambit, that they are soul mates.
Female love bombers may create a sense of excess by always being available or add unavailability to create desperation. They will not only shower the victim with attention but may also add acts of service. These acts of service are customized to the needs of the victim. A lonely bachelor may respond to gourmet meals or endless and exciting sex, whereas a married man could react to spontaneous fun and lack of any responsibility. This last point bears noting. Since the bomber is just interested in their needs (while claiming that they are there to meet the victim’s needs), they have no concern over the destruction of the victim’s life. They are not thinking about the victim’s marriage or the carnage that their actions could cause him.
A side note: Do you know that affairs only result in a 2% rate of lasting marriage with the affair partner? A small percentage of affairs result in a marriage, and the vast majority of those marriages end in divorce. That 2% doesn’t mean those marriages are good; it just means the couple has remained legally married. The actual rate of a successful long-term marriage with an affair partner is less than 2%!
As stated above, sometimes the victim is used up and discarded. At other times, the relationship cycles between a honeymoon period, tension, arguments/breakup, reconciliation, and back to the honeymoon.
If there is no ulterior motive, such as financial or status gains, the bomber is likely looking to fill a gap in their defective personality. They may like the hormonally giddy feelings of “being in love.” They may be looking for someone to complete them (which is not possible) emotionally or to fill them physically/sexually so they can feel alive. They may just like the power of having complete control over another person. All of this is artificial and will end badly for the victim.
The victim gets trapped and addicted to all of the emotional and physical attention. It is exactly like a drug, and just like a drug, the high is impossible to replicate in a genuine love situation. If this is a cyclic love bomb, The victim winds up “walking on eggshells.” Confused, depressed, upset.
If the victim had been married at the start of the attack, it is possible that the love bomb and the resultant behavior of the victim will end the marriage. Most certainly, the marriage will be severely damaged. If they are single, their confidence and sense of self will be damaged. The victim always leaves with the short end of the stick.
Remember that the love bomber aims to control you by getting you to fall for them as quickly as possible. The sooner they can do this, the greater the reward for them.
But what about real love? Real soulmates? Can real love be confused with love bombing? Is it possible to have love at first sight? Perhaps, but there are significant differences. Real romantic love may start with hormonal love but builds with time. What is this person like over an extended time? How are they when you can’t meet their needs but you are in a crisis? What are their real flaws (we all have them)? If things are moving very quickly, slow down, set limits, and reassess. Remember, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
Compound Love Bombing
I mentioned this above. This is when a person loves bombs based on their pathology, but they also add deliberate manipulation and planning to reach their goal. They actively plot to gain control of the other person. This type of love bombing is even more dangerous and destructive.
Industrialized Love Bombing
Love bombing can be manualized as a very effective way to control others. Sexual predators use love bombing as part of their grooming of young victims. “Booty Bandits” use love bombing combined with intimidation and withdrawal of attention to “turn out” younger naive prisoners and create “punks” to meet their sexual needs. Cults use love bombing to convert needy or lonely people into cult members.
One of the most recent methods to weaponize love bombing is catfishing individuals over the internet. Like all forms of love bombing, the goal is to gain something from the victim at the expense of the victim. There are many cases where victims blinded by “love” destroy their marriages or go into financial ruin.
These perpetrators are usually men who assume the script and persona of another person. Since everything is fake, they can play anything from a supermodel to a handsome leading man. They steal images off the internet (Instagram is a favorite spot) and use elaborate plot lines to trap their victims. They often start as interested and invested and quickly escalate to statements of love along with the usual soulmate lines. Their attentiveness and loving behavior may last weeks or months before they strike. Initially, they may ask the victim for a small amount of money for a temporary crisis. Once the victim gives in, the demands for money escalate.
Anyone looking at the process from the outside would immediately recognize that the victim was being scammed, but the process is usually so calculated that the victim frequently denies this obvious reality and eventually sends massive amounts of cash via bitcoins or untraceable gift cards to a person whom they have never met.
The contrast between the victim and the made-up love interest is often startling. Middle aged, plain-looking women think they are being wooed by the actor Brad Pit, or out-of-shape elderly men are convinced that a supermodel loves them. There is always the promise that the next infusion of cash will result in the bomber and the victim finally meeting to start their eternal life of happiness. Sometimes, the deal is sweetened by the promise that the love bomber is incredibly rich but doesn’t have access to their bank account. Sometimes, the relationship is peppered with phone sex and innuendo; at other times, money pleas are made to pay for an imagined illness or crisis. In the end, the victim is left just like they are in an individual love bombing: alone, empty, depressed, and often destroyed.
Today’s post was a little different than many of my posts and is in contrast to posts where I listed how the alienation of affection can destroy a person’s confidence and self-esteem. Here, the artificial use of fake love can be equally destructive. Remember, if you think you are falling in love with the perfect someone and it almost seems too good to be true, it probably is. Stop, slow down, listen to your family and friends, take your time. Love bombers eventually reveal who they are over time.
