Category Archives: The importance of kindness

Kindness Is Not Weakness

Kindness is not weakness. It is the opposite of weakness. However, this characteristic is more complicated than what can be defined in a simple statement. When I was a young child, adults often described me as being kind. Then, I felt that such an identification suggested that I was weak. I wanted to be regarded as intelligent, as that quality was valued in my family. In addition, I thought men were supposed to be harsh, insensitive, and aggressive to the point of being self-serving. Being kind suggested to my child’s mind that I was somehow less of a man.

Then, my kindness didn’t come from some active process; it was who I was. Why would I want to hurt another person? Why would I intentionally take advantage of someone instead of working to get what I wanted? Why would making someone feel weaker make me feel stronger? None of this made sense to me.

Kindness strongly correlates with another personality trait, empathy. Empathy is the ability to put yourself into someone else’s shoes. This is different from a characteristic called identification, where you feel the other person’s pain. Empathy lets you understand what someone else is going through. Identification is similar to codependency, which is not desirable.

My kindness was partially inborn and partially developed due to my feelings of being different. I knew how it felt to be mistreated because I was different and how it felt to be accepted despite that difference. Acceptance is a form of kindness.

The above suggests that the characteristic of kindness is both inborn and passive. However, there is also an active component to being kind. Therefore, at times it is necessary to work on this behavior.

In many ways, I have lived a charmed life. Naturally, I worked hard to achieve my goals, but many do the same with poorer outcomes. I have always been an observer of others, and there have been those who seemed to gain both power and pleasure by being mean or even cruel. Therefore, it could be assumed that “destroying the competition” is the royal road to success. However, I have made an effort to do just the opposite, and I have been successful. Some wealthy people are mean, that is true. Is there a difference between wealth and a successful life?

How does one define success? For me, it means having people in my life who I love and who love me. Second, it is the ability to achieve goals, including career goals. Third, it is the reality of having enough financial security to do most of the things I want. Finally, it is the ability to have a meaningful life that includes improving the lives of others. 

I worked in a field where I helped others… that was a success. I was able to explore hobbies and interests outside of my work… that was a success. I raised four wonderful kids… that was a success. Of course, none of these things got me on the cover of a magazine, but for me, they indicate that I have been successful. 

In my heart, I believe that I have remained a kind person throughout my life, but do I have any objective evidence that supports that assertion? On milestone days, our family’s practice is to go around the table and comment on the celebrant. So it was last Father’s Day. When it was my wife’s turn, she looked at me and commented that she appreciated how kind I am. I know that such a comment may be arbitrary, but it supports that my observation is not wholly delusional.

However, there may be some who may think that I have not been kind to them. Like everyone, I have moments of misjudgment, most of which are unintentional. There may be others who view my ability to set limits as being mean instead of simply establishing a boundary. Being kind doesn’t mean that you are perfect or that everyone will love you.

I ponder why kindness has gotten such a bad rap. The Bible touts the Golden Rule, “In everything, do to others what you would have them do to you. . . .” Matthew (7:12). More contemporary studies prove that treating people with respect and kindness yields better societal outcomes than treating them punitively. Several that come to mind include the industrial psychology experiments of the 50s and 60s. When factory workers were treated with kindness and given more control over their jobs they were happier and their productivity increased. More recently, when comparing Norwegian prisons (where inmates are treated kindly) with US prisons (noted for their cruel and punitive treatment), the rate of recidivism was shown to be three times higher in the US system.  

Yes, some have become fabulously wealthy by inflicting pain on others, but massive wealth does not equate to happiness. We all need money and possessions, but after a certain point stuff becomes a burden. Multiple studies have indicated that happiness comes from our positive connections with others, not how wealthy you are or how cruel you are. Yet, we are fascinated by “Reality” TV shows where contestants are humiliated or “fired” by sadistic hosts.

What does it mean to be kind? For me, it means that I try to understand how my actions will impact others. Will my efforts benefit someone else? Will my actions have little to no effect on someone else? Will my actions harm or hurt someone else? When it comes to the latter point, I also consider the context of that hurt. For instance, if my beliefs bother someone because they conflict with their beliefs, it is on them and not me. If you hate me because I belong to a different political party… Well, that is your problem.

There are times that I have to set limits on others, and they may not like my boundaries. When my children were young, I had to define their roles. As a doctor, I would sometimes need to deny certain addicting medications to patients despite their demands. As a friend, I sometimes have to say no to a request. Being true to your beliefs is a necessary part of being a competent adult. It does not suggest a lack of kindness.

I suggested above that there have been times when I have unintentionally been unkind. When faced with such situations, I acknowledge my error, ask for forgiveness, and correct the issue. In addition, I try to observe the pattern of behavior that caused the problem, and I make an effort to modify that behavior. Naturally, this last action can be a moving target that requires constant realignment. Such is life.

What do I do when I have to deal with unkind individuals? Of course, that depends on the situation. 

When dealing with a random situation (for instance, a road rage incident), I try to let go of my reciprocated anger and forgive the offending individual. This may be facilitated by saying a quick prayer for them.  

In work situations, I have employed a variety of techniques. For example, if someone’s anger or meanness towards me is unwarranted, I will sometimes deescalate it. A non-response or a simple “OK” can be enough to cool down a situation and return the connection to a more respectful one.  

There are other times when a correction is necessary. When I am in such a situation, I will tell the person how their actions made me feel instead of what a terrible person they are. For example, “When you ridiculed my comments, I felt angry and sad. Was that your intention?” Their response to such an inquiry will either rectify the issue or give me valuable information about their character.  

There have been a few times in my professional life where neither option was appropriate. Usually, this involved someone whose explicit goal was to shame or hurt me. In those situations, I have found that the best course of action was to move on. Of course, bullies in a position of authority don’t like to give up their power, but that doesn’t mean that I have to put up with their bullshit.  

Contrary to common belief, there is always another option out there. I treated a nice lady for many years. She had worked for the same organization for most of her life. She was regarded as a competent and dedicated employee. Unfortunately, her workplace underwent a reorganization and her life became a living hell. More and more work was piled on her, and she was severely criticized for the slightest error. Although miserable, she felt powerless as she believed that she was stuck at her workplace due to her age (early 60s) and the lack of other suitable opportunities. In addition, she was her sole support and she did not have a retirement nest egg. She felt that she couldn’t retire early and survive. These factors led her to suffer from depression and severe anxiety. Eventually, her workplace fired her for a trivial reason, and she was forced to retire early. She discovered that many of her fears were unfounded. Yes, her monthly income was less, but so were her expenses. She didn’t require work clothes, and she drove her car less. She had the time to cook her meals and had less of a need to “reward” herself with things. She was able to socialize more with friends and could spend more time with her grandkids. A year after she was fired, she told me that she was happier now than she had been in many years. Her worst fear became her greatest blessing.

My approach to dealing with mean people in my personal life is similar to dealing with mean people in my professional life—the main difference being the more significant ties that such connections bring. Many months ago, I was having a problem with a very close friend. For whatever reason, he started to treat me with disrespect on an ever-increasing level. The situation reached a point where I was ready to let go of the friendship. Instead of reacting, I reached out to another friend for their advice. He sagely told me, “Everyone has the right to be an asshole on occasion.” On reflection, my offending friend had been a loyal and faithful friend for the vast majority of our relationship. I approached him with my concerns, and he apologized for his actions. The overall impact of our conversation drew us closer rather than further apart.

In situations where the cost of leaving a relationship is very high, such as a spouse, the effort to correct the problem needs to be commensurate with that level of connection. It is unacceptable to be treated meanly by anyone consistently. Still, the status of the relationship makes it reasonable to put forth extraordinary effort to improve the situation, including seeking outside help. However, even in these instances, there are times when the best option is to move on. The only way you can truly respect and be kind to others is to be respectful and kind to yourself.

If you want to be treated kindly, you must be kind. Yet, we live in a world that legitimizes bully bosses, egotistical superstars, and antagonistic “Karens.” It is easy to falsely identify these individuals with success, power, and happiness. However, both common sense and empirical studies have shown that the Golden Rule benefits all. Cruel and mean individuals may use those behaviors for their gain. Still, such actions often don’t lead to happy or fulfilled lives. Instead, they can create empty souls who require the constant input of “more” to feel alive. When you require “more” there is never enough. 

Assess yourself daily. Were you kind to another person that day? Were you unkind to someone? Was someone kind or unkind to you? What can you or should you do with the above situations?

Peace.

Mike

A Letter To My Children: Choose Kind Friends

Dear Kids

When I was young, the most common descriptor of me was that I was kind. In my young mind, this suggested that I was weak. I wanted people to think that I was smart, brave, or possibly strong, not kind. To me, it seemed like kindness was just the way I was, no different than the fact that I had blue eyes and dishwater blond hair. 

As I grew older, I realized that kindness was not a passive trait or a sign of weakness. I came to understand that kindness is an active choice and a measure of strength. Many sought after behavioral characteristics offer benefit to the bearer of that trait. Kindness does not, at least not directly. Kindness is very different than being passive or subordinate to the wishes of others. Kindness is an active process that recognizes that all people have worth and value. Being kind to a person means that you place them on the same level as you are, and treat them with the care and respect that you wish to be treated.

As you become older, it can be easy to become cynical and self-serving. As our world becomes ever more fragmented and competitive, it may seem like the best “get ahead” option is the best option for a good life. As a society we celebrate aggression, ruthlessness, and power. We are told that these qualities will get us a big house, a trophy partner, and a fancy car. We are led to believe that having these things will give us happiness. Of course, this is not the case.

You know that I love my toys and that things, such as my cameras give me great pleasure. However, those objects are only valuable as tools, and in fact, they have no value by themselves. What good is it to have a high-end camera if I don’t have a subject to photograph, or someone to share that photograph with? Without connection taking pictures is just a job.

We are defined by the connections that we have with others. That holds true even for an introvert like me. I envision myself at the center of my “ relationship web.” Connected close to me are those people who I love greatly, a bit further out are those I care about, then those I associate with, and so on. Somewhere in a distant ring of my web is the checker at the Jewel, or the neighbor three blocks away who I occasionally see on my morning walks. My web keeps me not only connected but also supported. Without it, I would be spinning out of control and without direction.  

We all have these webs of connections, but our connectors can be very different depending on our efforts and expectations. Some of us have webs that enhance who we are, and some have webs that pull us apart and prevent us from being ourselves.  

In life, you will make choices, and some of those choices will center on your connections with others. Some may think that the ultimate goal is to be popular or to be part of a popular group. I would caution you that the entrance fee to such a cadre is high.  To be accepted you will be required to bend to the will of others, you will have to show your “ popularity superiority” by putting down others, and you will be expected to do things that you may not be comfortable with. In other words, you will lose yourself to gain something that is artificial and easily lost.

So how does one form a healthy support web? Instead of seeking external validation by belonging to a high-demand group, it is better to find internal peace by seeking individuals and groups that mirror your core values and behaviors. Most good things in life require some work, and that is the case here. Quality people are attracted to quality people. Seek people in your life who are intrinsically kind, and who value you for who you are. In turn, it is imperative that you are kind to and value them. 

Kids, I see great kindness in each an every one of you. That same kindness trait that I now value in myself. Make it a priority to keep it alive, nurture it, embrace it, and practice it. Being kind is not an action that should be reserved for those in the inner rings of your connection web, it should extend outward to all corners, no matter how weak or temporary. Extend your kindness to the clerk at Walmart, the waiter at your favorite breakfast joint, and the receptionist at your doctor’s office.  

At the beginning of this letter, I mentioned that kindness was a trait that didn’t offer direct benefit. However, it does provide indirect benefits. When you treat others with kindness and respect, they are more likely to return those feelings to you. What could be better than that?

Love,

Your Dad