In February 2024 this website crashed for no apparent reason. Despite using professionals at GoDaddy.com it was impossible to restore anything after October 2021 (over 100 posts). I do have many of those post in draft form (no final edit or photos) and I have decided to repost them in that manner. I apologize for typos and other errors. How do I feel about losing all of my original work? Life goes on.

Christmas is over, but it got me thinking. The holidays are often a time for families to reconnect, with the expectation of good times and warm feelings. However, for some parents, the holidays are a time of pain as it is a reminder that their adult child has broken off contact with them. I’m not talking about the adult child who gives their parents the silent treatment for a couple of days. Although that is immature and annoying, it resolves. I’m talking about a sustained effort to eliminate a parent from one’s life.

Sometimes, a child simply ghosts a parent. At other times they may send a letter stating they no longer want any contact without giving a reasons. Still, other times the parent may get a grocery list of complaints. However you slice it, such events can be devastating to parents who often feel that they did their best to raise their kids.

Such rejection can create depression, self-doubt, and shame in the recipient. Of course, it can also elicit anger. All of these feelings are normal. However, it is what you do with them that can impact whether you will reconcile with your adult child or separate further.

Over the years I have listened to both parents and adult children, and each feels justified even when they have opposite recollections. Adult child estrangement is a real thing, and it seems to be increasing, but why?

Growing up I was taught to honor my parents. It was made clear that my parents had sacrificed to raise me, and it was also made clear that I had a duty to honor them. This was emphasized at home, in the church that I attended, and in the media that I read and watched. Were there times that my parents failed me? Anyone who has read my blogs will know that this is the case. However, I never thought that I would sever contact with them. I felt that it was my responsibility to correct any of my issues even if those issues had been caused by their imperfect parenting. I strove to have an adult relationship with them, as opposed to perpetually being their controllable child. I accepted their flaws but rejected their ability to impact me with those flaws. In other words, I loved them, but I refused to buy into their BS. 

Times have changed and adult children are more likely to separate from parents in the same manner that they would leave a casual friendship or an unpleasant work environment. The idea that blood is thicker than water has little meaning for many. How did this change happen?

I believe multiple factors have contributed to this change; many of them center on the child’s role as an individual instead of being a member of a larger family group. I support individualization and boundaries, but this must be in balance with other factors, like connection. Additionally, I am not purporting that we return to an earlier time, as that era was fraught with its problems. However, I will list some changes that have happened during the last few generations.

When I was a child it was common for one parent to stay at home to raise the children and manage the house. However, by the time I became a teenager more and more households consisted of two working parents. There was only so much time in a day, which meant that some aspects of parenting had to be outsourced while the kids needed to assume additional responsibilities. One result of these events was a dynamic change in the parent-child relationship. It shifted to more of a peer-to-peer relationship. Children became “friends” with their parents as this made it easier for the parents to deal with their changing roles. I remember hearing stories of parents smoking weed with their underaged kids because they wanted to be considered a “cool parent.” I can assure you that my parents never considered being cool as a positive parental attribute.

There has been a general rejection of traditional organizations, often for justifiable reasons. Fewer people attend church or define themselves as having a belief in a higher power. Youth organizations like the Scouts have been in a freefall decline. These organizations promoted family values and also encouraged empathy-building activities like volunteering.

Affluence has increased in this country and there has been a trend to give more and more stuff to children. I call this the Prince Andrew effect based on reports of that royal’s attitude. From accounts, he is a very average person, but he has been given so much that he now believes that he is wholly unique. Yes, he is a prince, but the days of deifying royals have long passed. 

I have seen parents attempt to give their children everything that they didn’t get when they were young. Every opportunity, every experience, every possession is offered. The child isn’t required to do anything for all of these things. They are like Prince Andrew thinking that they are special and are granted special rules of engagement. 

Many adult children have been impacted by the self-esteem movement. Instead of rewarding hard work and achievement,  children were given awards for just being. I can recall all of my children getting participation trophies when they completed a tee-ball season. 

Is it possible to give kids too much? Is it possible to do too much for your kids? Yes and yes. It does not help your child to have everything handed to them on a silver platter. It does not help your child to live a completely stress and responsibility free life.Parents battle with teachers because their kid didn’t get the grades that they want. They argue with principals to reduce or eliminate disciplinary actions. They make sure that every consequence, including serious legal ones, is nullified by any means possible. They lavish their children with things, from the latest iPhone to new cars.

I remember a case early in my career where parents brought in their 16-year-old son because he was extremely dismissive, entitled, and rude to them while being disrespectful to all authority. This kid had been given everything, and the more he misbehaved the more he was given. The specific reason that I saw him was that he was driving a brand-new Camaro at 110 MPH on a residential street. Of course, he was arrested. Why in the world did his parents give this acting-out and bratty child a brand-new supercharged Camaro on his 16th birthday? His dad said that he always wanted one as a teen, and so he decided to give one to his son. BTW, it turned out that the real reason that they came to see me was that they were trying to manipulate the legal system and expunge his traffic citation. And they wondered why he was a rude, self-centered, and entitled person.

All of the above actions can produce empty children who become empty self-absorbed adults. They are focused on what they want without consideration for others. They have difficulty delaying gratification. They have little concern that their actions hurt others. They adopt a “What have you done for me lately” attitude. We could identify these individuals as narcissists, but that title is so overused that it has lost some of its meaning. When you are mostly concerned with your needs it becomes very easy to have little concern for the feelings of others, including parents. 

Another issue with promoting false self-esteem is a lack of accountability. When someone is constantly told how important they are and what a wonderful job they are doing it becomes easy to project any failure or disappointment as someone else’s fault. That person can often be the parent, even after the adult child has long left the nest. 

Let me be clear. There are cases where I believe that an adult child should have no contact when dealing with a very unhealthy parental situation. Their actions are completely justifiable. However, in other cases, there are options available.

Let me also be clear that many healthy adult children are not empty individuals. Healthy adult children sometimes stop contact with a parent for extremely valid reasons.  

Estranged adult children will freely say that their parents are toxic, so let’s take a look at some parental types:

The unicorn parent

These folks have done everything right. They have never had a lapse in judgment, they have never said anything out of anger. They are always completely rational, loving, and caring. They have struck the perfect balance between supporting their child and allowing them to be independent. By now I hope you realize that unicorn parents don’t exist. However, this mythical parent can be the standard that estranged adult children hold their real parents to.

The average Jane and Joe.

This is the majority of parents. They try to do the best for their kids, as they support them and encourage them. They are flawed and sometimes react badly. They make mistakes and they are not perfectly tuned to the feelings of their child. There are many variations within this group. Some parents are more flawed than others, some make more mistakes than others, some are more needy than others, and some are more controlling than others. However, these parents are trying to be good parents. They are often the parents with whom a child will go no-contact with. It can be frustrating and angering for a parent who has worked very hard to raise a child and then be rejected by that child. Of course, they could have improved their parenting, but they did their best with their kids. Reconciliation is possible if both parties are willing to work on reconnecting.

The “I am your parent,” parent

Now we are getting into more messed up parenting. These folks may expect their kids to be seen and not heard. They feel that they are always the ultimate authority. The parent’s needs come first; the child is there to meet the needs of the parent. At times, these parents’ actions can be self-serving, although they may say that they are doing the action for their child. They may be extremely controlling, or they may use guilt and shame to motivate their child. They may say horrible things to their child, for instance wishing that the child had never been born, or telling the child how the child ruined their life. They may constantly find fault with their child no matter how hard the child tries to please them. The child is always “too.” Too fat, too skinny, too lazy, too stupid, etc. They may see their kids as extensions of themselves and push them to do things to make the parents look better. They may expect their kids to have the same values and beliefs that they do. Some may feel that their kids owe them. For instance, they may insist that every holiday has to be spent with them, even if their adult child is married and their spouse would like to spend some holidays with their family. Right now you are probably thinking that I’m defining a narcissistic parent, a favorite YouTube topic. In reality, this group is more complicated than that. I have seen extremely controlling parents in this group who truly feel that they are acting in their child’s best interest despite evidence to the contrary. Reconciliation can be possible if all parties are willing to work on making changes and accepting the other person’s fundamental individuality. However, sometimes it is impossible.

The “should have used birth control” parent.

Another very broad group of parents. These parents have such significant dysfunction that they are wholly damaging to their children. In this category, you will find abusers who get pleasure from the physical, emotional, or sexual abuse of their child. You will find sadistic parents who enjoy making their children feel bad. You will find extremely neglectful parents. You will find parents who think of their children as property. You will find parents who may believe that savagely beating their child is their right. You will find parents with severe mental illness or severe drug or alcohol addiction that places their child in physical and emotional danger. In many instances, it is reasonable for a child to not want reconciliation. In some cases, a parent in this category may make a drastic change that could warrant the child to reconsider having a relationship with the parent. For instance, a severely mentally ill parent who accepts appropriate psychiatric treatment and improves, or an addicted parent who becomes sober. Even then, the scars may be too deep.

You would think that most estranged children come from this last group. In my observations, many adult children of these parents wind up parenting their parents in ways that range from financially supporting them, to having the parent move in with them. Horrific trauma can cause odd outcomes.

So far I have explored the adult child’s and parent’s role in alienation. However, other factors can also play a part in this process. Let’s take a look at some of them.

The spouse

Some dysfunctional spouses may want to possess your child and view any attention that is spent elsewhere as a threat to them and their relationship. They may force alienation by directly demanding it, or in more subtle ways by creating conflicts where the parent is the bad guy. “Did you hear what your mother said to me?” or “You have to decide between me or your parents because I can’t take it anymore.”  

Divorced parents may poison a minor-aged child against the other parent, but that is a topic for another post. The estrangement of a minor-age child is a subject unto itself and is handled differently.

Guilty by association

A friend may talk about their horrible parents, and suddenly the listener starts to believe that events that seemed trivial in the past have now exploded into soul-crushing memories. This can also happen when a therapist is inexperienced or of poor quality by over-interpreting comments that the adult child made about their parents. With that said, there are times when a quality therapist may appropriately suggest no contact with a parent. However, they would never do this for a trivial reason. 

Outside stressor

If an adult child was raised in a “participation award” world where they were always awesome it may be difficult for them to deal with real life. When they are failing at a job, in a marriage, or with their kids they may project their unhappiness on their parents and decide that their lack of success is due to them.

Drugs/Alcohol

Drinking and drugging have global negative effects that can hamper a parent/child relationship. In this case, I’m talking about the drug/alcohol-using adult child, but the same could be said of the parent.

Cults and other mind manipulations

There are cults and cult-like organizations that strongly try to separate their members from anyone who may challenge their beliefs, including the cult member’s parents.

Different beliefs

An adult child may feel that it is easier to end parental contact than to face a parent’s ire. This can happen for reasons that range from different political or religious beliefs to the child coming out as gay or transgender.   

One-sided therapy

When an adult child’s therapist hears only one side of a parent/child relationship they may get the false belief that the relationship is toxic and should end.

Anger for not getting enough

Some adult children have an unrealistic expectation that their parents should partially or wholly support them financially. When the parent refuses the adult child may respond by punishing the parent by ghosting them.

The bottom line.

Do you want a relationship with your child? If so, you will likely need to be the conciliatory agent. Please note, that I’m not judging you or blaming you. I’m not saying that you are in the wrong. However, when an adult child goes no contact they have the power, not you. Their reality may be completely distorted, but it is their reality and you can’t correct it by debating with them. If you try to prove your point you will fail and further worsen the relationship.

Remember: It is not about who is right and who is wrong. It is not about correcting false or exaggerated memories. It is not about proving that you were a good parent. It is not about getting your adult child to understand that you are going through a difficult time. It is not your job to negate your child’s feelings by telling them that their perceived trauma was long ago and they need to let go of it. It IS about reforming a connection with an estranged adult child. What are you willing to do to make that happen? Here are some suggestions.

-Listen, listen, and listen some more. Don’t interrupt. Don’t try to explain or defend your actions. Don’t try to negate or minimize what they said happened. Listen, listen, listen.

-Say that you are sorry for any wrongs that you have done (real or imagined). Don’t try to minimize complaints or pass blame even if you truly feel that they are being blown way out of proportion. Don’t say things like: “That was years ago.” “You remembered that incorrectly.” “You were a very difficult child.”  

-Someone needs to be an adult in this situation, and that person is likely going to have to be you. Your adult child may be reacting to things from their childhood. This, very likely, will make them think and act like they did when they were a child.

-Ask what you can do to make amends. Ask what you can do to move things forward. Don’t bargain or negotiate with your child. If you can’t do something simply state that you can’t. Yes, they may use that as a reason to continue the separation, but if you can’t do it, you can’t do it.

-Give the healing time and realize that it could be an up-and-down process. Things may go well and then fall apart again. If that is the case try again repeating the same methods. Allow for some space before you re-engage. 

-There are no winners here. If you plan on trying to prove your point or get your adult child to admit that they were wrong then spare yourself a lot of grief and just accept the situation as to do otherwise will just create a bigger rift. Remember, your goal is reconciliation.

-If your adult child separated from you by writing you an email it is reasonable to respond. In the response don’t defend your actions. Apologize for hurting them and let them know that you love them and want to have a relationship with them. Ask them if they would be willing to meet to process things further. Let them know that you are willing to make a change. If they don’t respond to that email, send them a “Did you get my note” email after a few months. Still no response? You may need to let go. 

-If you suspect that your child’s actions are due to an outside influence like a spouse or therapist it is often best not to criticize those individuals, even if you are correct. This can cause your adult child to further cling to them. 

-You may have been a good parent. However, if your child is not perceiving you as such, realize that their reality, even if distorted, is their reality. You have to meet them in their yard, not yours. 

-Remember, we no longer live in a time where kids feel that they owe their parents anything. If you believe otherwise you need to get past that feeling.

-Sometimes an adult child will refuse reconciliation, even if the separating event was trivial. When that occurs your best option is to grieve, and then move on. Your life should be spent with people who love you, not pining over those who don’t. 

-If your adult child escalates to the point that they are enraged, extremely hurtful, or threatening it is best to protect yourself. Exit the situation and, if appropriate, say that you would like to reconnect when things quiet down.

-If further attempts to reconcile turn into rage fests it may be necessary to take an extended break or to consider the reality that you won’t reconcile. 

-Even though you shouldn’t defend your parenting to your child it is OK to acknowledge it to yourself. Sometimes writing down the positive things that you did as a parent can help bolster your emotional state. You can even write a list in your phone that you can pull up and read when you are feeling sad and misunderstood.

-If a real problem in your behavior comes to light during your reconciliation, attempt to change that behavior. I guarantee that trait is also impacting other relationships in your life.

-Remember, sometimes you can try everything and not be successful. If that is the case move on and surround yourself with people who love you.

-Will you ever get to tell your side of the story? That depends on how mature your adult child is. However, over time and circumstance, it may be possible, but not in the beginning. However, ask yourself why you want to do this. If you are trying to prove to your adult child that you were right or that you indeed were a good parent things will likely go poorly. When enough healing has occurred (which may take a long time) you might ask your child, “What did I do correctly as a parent.”  

I hope this post has helped you understand some fundamentals of this very complex problem. Quality professional help can take you to the next level, don’t deny yourself this.

Peace 

Mike