In February 2024 this website crashed for no apparent reason. Despite using professionals at GoDaddy.com it was impossible to restore anything after October 2021 (over 100 posts). I do have many of those post in draft form (no final edit or photos) and I have decided to repost them in that manner. I apologize for typos and other errors. How do I feel about losing all of my original work? Life goes on.
Time passes strangely. When I was in my work life waiting for a vacation could feel like an eternity. When that trip finally arrived the first few days appeared to last forever, and then suddenly the vacation was over, almost like it never existed. For me, time is not constant, it seems to move at different rates depending on a multitude of factors.
When I had my daughter Anne 38 years ago I had a life-changing awareness. I discovered that liked being a dad. I know that is a strange thing to say, but it is true. I not only like kids, but I like spending time with them, and I like teaching them things. If you follow me on Facebook you already know that, but you are seeing Version 2.0 of me, a version that has been in the making for almost 40 years.
When Julie and I got married we knew that we wanted to have children, but we delayed our plans because of her Ph. D. studies. As she approached graduation we felt that it was time. We had a certain hubris. Anne was an accidental surprise, so I assumed all was good with me, and Julie came from amazingly healthy Swedish stock. We were certain that she would be pregnant within the week, but we were very wrong. After months of unsuccessful trying, we started to adopt all of those folklore things that people do to become pregnant. None of them worked and our hubris quickly dissolved into frantic desperation.
Then it was time for the fertility clinic. Tests, probes, pills, shots, mood swings…no fun. After exhausting less invasive options we advanced to IUI or intrauterine insemination. IUI is a long process that involves shots, pills, and lots of ultrasounds. When it is time for the procedure the male provides a “sample” which is then concentrated and mechanically placed. Yeah, exactly.
We went through the weeks of prep and a sample was provided. However, the doctor felt that the sample was not good enough and advised that we forgo the procedure. The reality was that we had just gone through hell getting to that point and so we told them to do it anyway. Two days later our car was loaded and our pop-up camper was attached to it. With Anne in tow we were heading on a long-anticipated vacation, but with heavy hearts. We had gone through so much to have a baby and once again we were winding up with the short end of the stick. We drove towards Arkansas stressed and depressed. While driving through Missouri our problems compounded as our Ford Explorer started to make a strange noise. We were about 50 miles from anywhere, and we needed to keep driving. When we reached West Plains, Missouri we stopped, and I was relieved that the small town had a Ford dealership. We found a cheap hotel and had the car towed the next morning. Unfortunately, the news wasn’t good and we were told that we had to replace the entire engine, a process that would take at least a week. We were stuck in West Plains.
We tried to make the best of it, but there wasn’t much to do in West Plains. One day we decided to go to the local movie theater to see a show. We had already seen the movie in Naperville, but we had to get out of our tiny space. Oddly, Julie stayed behind and only Anne and I went. Julie was feeling sick which was very unusual for her, so I assumed that it was the result of the stress from the last weeks. By the evening she was feeling better, but her nausea returned the next morning, and so it went for the remainder of the trip. I quipped, “Well maybe you are pregnant.” We both laughed as the doctor felt that the chances of the IUI procedure being successful was slim to none.
On our return, we confirmed that Julie was pregnant with Kathryn. Two years later we did IUI again and had Gracie. Two years later we didn’t do any procedure and we had William. Our family was complete.
I was 48 when William was born and I remember doing mental calculations. “When he will be 10 I’ll be 58, when he graduates college I’ll be 70.” It all seemed surreal and a million years away…but here I am at 68 and my two youngest in college.
When you are a dad there is a certain pride that you feel when you step onto your child’s college campus. It’s difficult to explain. On one level there is a rush of memories from your own college days, but there is also an unfamiliarity that comes from remembering events from decades earlier.
When your kids have been away at college they gain expertise that you no longer have in that situation. They know the campus, the restaurants, and the attractions. You go from the leader of the family to a subordinate. It is an odd feeling, but one that I like. It’s a subtle sign that Julie and I did the right parenting things.
We traveled in Violet the camper van to Ohio, a long trip made worse by endless road construction, and arrived at Grace’s campus. Tired from our travels, our evening consisted of going out to dinner with Grace, and we then headed to our campground, a primitive place that we were able to book on short notice. The next day we were fully rested and set out on many adventures. Her roommate was hosting a fundraiser for Parkinson’s disease, so we stopped by there. Then Grace took us on a tour of campus. I have been on campus many times and have gone on several tours, but this time we took our time and explored every nook and cranny. Now a senior, Grace spoke with authority about campus superstitions and folklore. It was a lovely time made even more pleasant by beautiful weather. Grace had scoped out other activities and next on our agenda was the Cincinnati Riverwalk. Another great experience. It felt awesome to have one of my kids orchestrate a series of activities that she felt would be enjoyable for all parties. My Grace had grown up!
Two weeks later we headed to central Illinois to see William at this school. Like Grace he greeted us warmly and had an agenda for our visit. We would only be on campus for the day, so he kept us local. William is an RA on campus and it appears that everyone knows him. This is surprising as the school has over 20,000 students. However, everywhere that we went people waved to him and called out, “Hi, Will!” Will took us around campus, which we saw from a different angle than past tours. Earlier he wrote for and received a research grant and was given lab space to conduct experiments on crickets. He showed us his lab, his crickets, and his work procedure. At the lab, he took the time to introduce us to a colleague who does bee research and William facilitated a nice conversation between all of us. On the way back he talked about his aspirations and dreams. Like Grace, he took charge and made a clear effort to not only plan activities but to plan events that he knew Julie and I would be interested in. Will was acting like a considerate adult. It felt good.
My Kathryn was in Africa serving in the Peace Corps when COVID hit. She was at the start of a 2 ½ year tour and was evacuated back to the states after only 6 months.. Kathryn and I always got along, but she was distant towards me. Now retired, I was the one cleaning the house and doing the grocery shopping. Kathryn and I were in forced contact with each other, which turned out to be a wonderful thing as we became truly close. We talk and make dinner together. She has become a huge help to me over these last few years as she responsibly does her share to keep our house afloat.
Lastly, I would like to mention my oldest daughter, Anne. Now a mother of two children she resides about 3 hours south. Anne has become a wonderful adult, excellent mother, and good daughter. She makes an effort to keep in contact with me in a way that let’s me know that she loves me and has a kind heart.
During the early stages of the pandemic, my three youngest kids were at home and isolated from their friends. Our family life returned to an era from the past. A time when almost all of their activities involved family. We cooked together, played games together, watched TV shows together, and went on walks together. It was a wonderful experience for me as I got to re-experience a much-loved time.
Now my kids are back in the real world. Anne has resumed seeing her psychotherapy clients in person. Kathryn is doing IT for our school district, and Grace and William are back at university. I now get to enjoy them all in different ways. My pride explodes not only with their life accomplishments but also with their empathy and kindness. To see them become good, loving, and caring adults makes me misty-eyed, and very happy.
When our children were younger there is a joy in their dependence on us. They look to us with awe as we help them navigate their early lives. However, it is our ultimate job is to provide them with the tools to become independent adults. If we don’t do this we fail at our most basic parenting task. I understand that there are some circumstances where this process is impossible or greatly delayed. In those cases, it is the parents’ job to do their best to help their children to become as independent and adult-like as reasonable.
People often say that it is easy to make a baby, but it takes work to raise a child. In our case both took effort-an effort that was well worth it.
Peace
Mike