Daily Archives: March 21, 2024

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When Adult Children Go No Contact

In February 2024 this website crashed for no apparent reason. Despite using professionals at GoDaddy.com it was impossible to restore anything after October 2021 (over 100 posts). I do have many of those post in draft form (no final edit or photos) and I have decided to repost them in that manner. I apologize for typos and other errors. How do I feel about losing all of my original work? Life goes on.

Christmas is over, but it got me thinking. The holidays are often a time for families to reconnect, with the expectation of good times and warm feelings. However, for some parents, the holidays are a time of pain as it is a reminder that their adult child has broken off contact with them. I’m not talking about the adult child who gives their parents the silent treatment for a couple of days. Although that is immature and annoying, it resolves. I’m talking about a sustained effort to eliminate a parent from one’s life.

Sometimes, a child simply ghosts a parent. At other times they may send a letter stating they no longer want any contact without giving a reasons. Still, other times the parent may get a grocery list of complaints. However you slice it, such events can be devastating to parents who often feel that they did their best to raise their kids.

Such rejection can create depression, self-doubt, and shame in the recipient. Of course, it can also elicit anger. All of these feelings are normal. However, it is what you do with them that can impact whether you will reconcile with your adult child or separate further.

Over the years I have listened to both parents and adult children, and each feels justified even when they have opposite recollections. Adult child estrangement is a real thing, and it seems to be increasing, but why?

Growing up I was taught to honor my parents. It was made clear that my parents had sacrificed to raise me, and it was also made clear that I had a duty to honor them. This was emphasized at home, in the church that I attended, and in the media that I read and watched. Were there times that my parents failed me? Anyone who has read my blogs will know that this is the case. However, I never thought that I would sever contact with them. I felt that it was my responsibility to correct any of my issues even if those issues had been caused by their imperfect parenting. I strove to have an adult relationship with them, as opposed to perpetually being their controllable child. I accepted their flaws but rejected their ability to impact me with those flaws. In other words, I loved them, but I refused to buy into their BS. 

Times have changed and adult children are more likely to separate from parents in the same manner that they would leave a casual friendship or an unpleasant work environment. The idea that blood is thicker than water has little meaning for many. How did this change happen?

I believe multiple factors have contributed to this change; many of them center on the child’s role as an individual instead of being a member of a larger family group. I support individualization and boundaries, but this must be in balance with other factors, like connection. Additionally, I am not purporting that we return to an earlier time, as that era was fraught with its problems. However, I will list some changes that have happened during the last few generations.

When I was a child it was common for one parent to stay at home to raise the children and manage the house. However, by the time I became a teenager more and more households consisted of two working parents. There was only so much time in a day, which meant that some aspects of parenting had to be outsourced while the kids needed to assume additional responsibilities. One result of these events was a dynamic change in the parent-child relationship. It shifted to more of a peer-to-peer relationship. Children became “friends” with their parents as this made it easier for the parents to deal with their changing roles. I remember hearing stories of parents smoking weed with their underaged kids because they wanted to be considered a “cool parent.” I can assure you that my parents never considered being cool as a positive parental attribute.

There has been a general rejection of traditional organizations, often for justifiable reasons. Fewer people attend church or define themselves as having a belief in a higher power. Youth organizations like the Scouts have been in a freefall decline. These organizations promoted family values and also encouraged empathy-building activities like volunteering.

Affluence has increased in this country and there has been a trend to give more and more stuff to children. I call this the Prince Andrew effect based on reports of that royal’s attitude. From accounts, he is a very average person, but he has been given so much that he now believes that he is wholly unique. Yes, he is a prince, but the days of deifying royals have long passed. 

I have seen parents attempt to give their children everything that they didn’t get when they were young. Every opportunity, every experience, every possession is offered. The child isn’t required to do anything for all of these things. They are like Prince Andrew thinking that they are special and are granted special rules of engagement. 

Many adult children have been impacted by the self-esteem movement. Instead of rewarding hard work and achievement,  children were given awards for just being. I can recall all of my children getting participation trophies when they completed a tee-ball season. 

Is it possible to give kids too much? Is it possible to do too much for your kids? Yes and yes. It does not help your child to have everything handed to them on a silver platter. It does not help your child to live a completely stress and responsibility free life.Parents battle with teachers because their kid didn’t get the grades that they want. They argue with principals to reduce or eliminate disciplinary actions. They make sure that every consequence, including serious legal ones, is nullified by any means possible. They lavish their children with things, from the latest iPhone to new cars.

I remember a case early in my career where parents brought in their 16-year-old son because he was extremely dismissive, entitled, and rude to them while being disrespectful to all authority. This kid had been given everything, and the more he misbehaved the more he was given. The specific reason that I saw him was that he was driving a brand-new Camaro at 110 MPH on a residential street. Of course, he was arrested. Why in the world did his parents give this acting-out and bratty child a brand-new supercharged Camaro on his 16th birthday? His dad said that he always wanted one as a teen, and so he decided to give one to his son. BTW, it turned out that the real reason that they came to see me was that they were trying to manipulate the legal system and expunge his traffic citation. And they wondered why he was a rude, self-centered, and entitled person.

All of the above actions can produce empty children who become empty self-absorbed adults. They are focused on what they want without consideration for others. They have difficulty delaying gratification. They have little concern that their actions hurt others. They adopt a “What have you done for me lately” attitude. We could identify these individuals as narcissists, but that title is so overused that it has lost some of its meaning. When you are mostly concerned with your needs it becomes very easy to have little concern for the feelings of others, including parents. 

Another issue with promoting false self-esteem is a lack of accountability. When someone is constantly told how important they are and what a wonderful job they are doing it becomes easy to project any failure or disappointment as someone else’s fault. That person can often be the parent, even after the adult child has long left the nest. 

Let me be clear. There are cases where I believe that an adult child should have no contact when dealing with a very unhealthy parental situation. Their actions are completely justifiable. However, in other cases, there are options available.

Let me also be clear that many healthy adult children are not empty individuals. Healthy adult children sometimes stop contact with a parent for extremely valid reasons.  

Estranged adult children will freely say that their parents are toxic, so let’s take a look at some parental types:

The unicorn parent

These folks have done everything right. They have never had a lapse in judgment, they have never said anything out of anger. They are always completely rational, loving, and caring. They have struck the perfect balance between supporting their child and allowing them to be independent. By now I hope you realize that unicorn parents don’t exist. However, this mythical parent can be the standard that estranged adult children hold their real parents to.

The average Jane and Joe.

This is the majority of parents. They try to do the best for their kids, as they support them and encourage them. They are flawed and sometimes react badly. They make mistakes and they are not perfectly tuned to the feelings of their child. There are many variations within this group. Some parents are more flawed than others, some make more mistakes than others, some are more needy than others, and some are more controlling than others. However, these parents are trying to be good parents. They are often the parents with whom a child will go no-contact with. It can be frustrating and angering for a parent who has worked very hard to raise a child and then be rejected by that child. Of course, they could have improved their parenting, but they did their best with their kids. Reconciliation is possible if both parties are willing to work on reconnecting.

The “I am your parent,” parent

Now we are getting into more messed up parenting. These folks may expect their kids to be seen and not heard. They feel that they are always the ultimate authority. The parent’s needs come first; the child is there to meet the needs of the parent. At times, these parents’ actions can be self-serving, although they may say that they are doing the action for their child. They may be extremely controlling, or they may use guilt and shame to motivate their child. They may say horrible things to their child, for instance wishing that the child had never been born, or telling the child how the child ruined their life. They may constantly find fault with their child no matter how hard the child tries to please them. The child is always “too.” Too fat, too skinny, too lazy, too stupid, etc. They may see their kids as extensions of themselves and push them to do things to make the parents look better. They may expect their kids to have the same values and beliefs that they do. Some may feel that their kids owe them. For instance, they may insist that every holiday has to be spent with them, even if their adult child is married and their spouse would like to spend some holidays with their family. Right now you are probably thinking that I’m defining a narcissistic parent, a favorite YouTube topic. In reality, this group is more complicated than that. I have seen extremely controlling parents in this group who truly feel that they are acting in their child’s best interest despite evidence to the contrary. Reconciliation can be possible if all parties are willing to work on making changes and accepting the other person’s fundamental individuality. However, sometimes it is impossible.

The “should have used birth control” parent.

Another very broad group of parents. These parents have such significant dysfunction that they are wholly damaging to their children. In this category, you will find abusers who get pleasure from the physical, emotional, or sexual abuse of their child. You will find sadistic parents who enjoy making their children feel bad. You will find extremely neglectful parents. You will find parents who think of their children as property. You will find parents who may believe that savagely beating their child is their right. You will find parents with severe mental illness or severe drug or alcohol addiction that places their child in physical and emotional danger. In many instances, it is reasonable for a child to not want reconciliation. In some cases, a parent in this category may make a drastic change that could warrant the child to reconsider having a relationship with the parent. For instance, a severely mentally ill parent who accepts appropriate psychiatric treatment and improves, or an addicted parent who becomes sober. Even then, the scars may be too deep.

You would think that most estranged children come from this last group. In my observations, many adult children of these parents wind up parenting their parents in ways that range from financially supporting them, to having the parent move in with them. Horrific trauma can cause odd outcomes.

So far I have explored the adult child’s and parent’s role in alienation. However, other factors can also play a part in this process. Let’s take a look at some of them.

The spouse

Some dysfunctional spouses may want to possess your child and view any attention that is spent elsewhere as a threat to them and their relationship. They may force alienation by directly demanding it, or in more subtle ways by creating conflicts where the parent is the bad guy. “Did you hear what your mother said to me?” or “You have to decide between me or your parents because I can’t take it anymore.”  

Divorced parents may poison a minor-aged child against the other parent, but that is a topic for another post. The estrangement of a minor-age child is a subject unto itself and is handled differently.

Guilty by association

A friend may talk about their horrible parents, and suddenly the listener starts to believe that events that seemed trivial in the past have now exploded into soul-crushing memories. This can also happen when a therapist is inexperienced or of poor quality by over-interpreting comments that the adult child made about their parents. With that said, there are times when a quality therapist may appropriately suggest no contact with a parent. However, they would never do this for a trivial reason. 

Outside stressor

If an adult child was raised in a “participation award” world where they were always awesome it may be difficult for them to deal with real life. When they are failing at a job, in a marriage, or with their kids they may project their unhappiness on their parents and decide that their lack of success is due to them.

Drugs/Alcohol

Drinking and drugging have global negative effects that can hamper a parent/child relationship. In this case, I’m talking about the drug/alcohol-using adult child, but the same could be said of the parent.

Cults and other mind manipulations

There are cults and cult-like organizations that strongly try to separate their members from anyone who may challenge their beliefs, including the cult member’s parents.

Different beliefs

An adult child may feel that it is easier to end parental contact than to face a parent’s ire. This can happen for reasons that range from different political or religious beliefs to the child coming out as gay or transgender.   

One-sided therapy

When an adult child’s therapist hears only one side of a parent/child relationship they may get the false belief that the relationship is toxic and should end.

Anger for not getting enough

Some adult children have an unrealistic expectation that their parents should partially or wholly support them financially. When the parent refuses the adult child may respond by punishing the parent by ghosting them.

The bottom line.

Do you want a relationship with your child? If so, you will likely need to be the conciliatory agent. Please note, that I’m not judging you or blaming you. I’m not saying that you are in the wrong. However, when an adult child goes no contact they have the power, not you. Their reality may be completely distorted, but it is their reality and you can’t correct it by debating with them. If you try to prove your point you will fail and further worsen the relationship.

Remember: It is not about who is right and who is wrong. It is not about correcting false or exaggerated memories. It is not about proving that you were a good parent. It is not about getting your adult child to understand that you are going through a difficult time. It is not your job to negate your child’s feelings by telling them that their perceived trauma was long ago and they need to let go of it. It IS about reforming a connection with an estranged adult child. What are you willing to do to make that happen? Here are some suggestions.

-Listen, listen, and listen some more. Don’t interrupt. Don’t try to explain or defend your actions. Don’t try to negate or minimize what they said happened. Listen, listen, listen.

-Say that you are sorry for any wrongs that you have done (real or imagined). Don’t try to minimize complaints or pass blame even if you truly feel that they are being blown way out of proportion. Don’t say things like: “That was years ago.” “You remembered that incorrectly.” “You were a very difficult child.”  

-Someone needs to be an adult in this situation, and that person is likely going to have to be you. Your adult child may be reacting to things from their childhood. This, very likely, will make them think and act like they did when they were a child.

-Ask what you can do to make amends. Ask what you can do to move things forward. Don’t bargain or negotiate with your child. If you can’t do something simply state that you can’t. Yes, they may use that as a reason to continue the separation, but if you can’t do it, you can’t do it.

-Give the healing time and realize that it could be an up-and-down process. Things may go well and then fall apart again. If that is the case try again repeating the same methods. Allow for some space before you re-engage. 

-There are no winners here. If you plan on trying to prove your point or get your adult child to admit that they were wrong then spare yourself a lot of grief and just accept the situation as to do otherwise will just create a bigger rift. Remember, your goal is reconciliation.

-If your adult child separated from you by writing you an email it is reasonable to respond. In the response don’t defend your actions. Apologize for hurting them and let them know that you love them and want to have a relationship with them. Ask them if they would be willing to meet to process things further. Let them know that you are willing to make a change. If they don’t respond to that email, send them a “Did you get my note” email after a few months. Still no response? You may need to let go. 

-If you suspect that your child’s actions are due to an outside influence like a spouse or therapist it is often best not to criticize those individuals, even if you are correct. This can cause your adult child to further cling to them. 

-You may have been a good parent. However, if your child is not perceiving you as such, realize that their reality, even if distorted, is their reality. You have to meet them in their yard, not yours. 

-Remember, we no longer live in a time where kids feel that they owe their parents anything. If you believe otherwise you need to get past that feeling.

-Sometimes an adult child will refuse reconciliation, even if the separating event was trivial. When that occurs your best option is to grieve, and then move on. Your life should be spent with people who love you, not pining over those who don’t. 

-If your adult child escalates to the point that they are enraged, extremely hurtful, or threatening it is best to protect yourself. Exit the situation and, if appropriate, say that you would like to reconnect when things quiet down.

-If further attempts to reconcile turn into rage fests it may be necessary to take an extended break or to consider the reality that you won’t reconcile. 

-Even though you shouldn’t defend your parenting to your child it is OK to acknowledge it to yourself. Sometimes writing down the positive things that you did as a parent can help bolster your emotional state. You can even write a list in your phone that you can pull up and read when you are feeling sad and misunderstood.

-If a real problem in your behavior comes to light during your reconciliation, attempt to change that behavior. I guarantee that trait is also impacting other relationships in your life.

-Remember, sometimes you can try everything and not be successful. If that is the case move on and surround yourself with people who love you.

-Will you ever get to tell your side of the story? That depends on how mature your adult child is. However, over time and circumstance, it may be possible, but not in the beginning. However, ask yourself why you want to do this. If you are trying to prove to your adult child that you were right or that you indeed were a good parent things will likely go poorly. When enough healing has occurred (which may take a long time) you might ask your child, “What did I do correctly as a parent.”  

I hope this post has helped you understand some fundamentals of this very complex problem. Quality professional help can take you to the next level, don’t deny yourself this.

Peace 

Mike

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Freud’s Nephew

In February 2024 this website crashed for no apparent reason. Despite using professionals at GoDaddy.com it was impossible to restore anything after October 2021 (over 100 posts). I do have many of those post in draft form (no final edit or photos) and I have decided to repost them in that manner. I apologize for typos and other errors. How do I feel about losing all of my original work? Life goes on.

I love photography, and when I was working, it wasn’t uncommon for me to buy a new camera. I would get hyped up by some YouTube influencer who would excitedly tell their audience that the new camera changed their life because of some silly extra feature. Despite knowing better, I would get caught up in the emotional frenzy and place my order.

A dear friend of mine likes to travel and wears a special travel vest with hidden pockets when she goes here and there. She wanted to buy a jacket with the same features but couldn’t. However, she became so caught up in the travel excitement that she bought a travel vest similar to her old one but in a different color. She knew this new vest offered no advantages from her old one; she couldn’t help herself.

I read an article about Stanley insulated cups. Stanley has been around for over 100 years. They make a good product, but I would hardly call them trendy. However, they painted their mugs in new colors and added a little PR, and the cups became a scarce and highly desirable product. I watched a video of pre-teen girls squealing joyfully after getting a Christmas Stanley cup. I checked Amazon, and sellers are selling these cups at over double their retail price. Ecstasy over an insulated cup?

If I mentioned the name Sigmund Freud, everyone would recognize it, and many would know that he is considered the father of Psychoanalysis. Although a number of his conclusions have fallen out of favor, his basic concepts have served as a foundation for how we think about psychology and psychotherapy. He is one of the most influential individuals of the 20th century.  

However, his nephew, neither a psychiatrist nor a psychologist, had a far more significant impact on the world. His techniques affect every one of us daily. Freud’s nephew had an undergraduate degree in agriculture but was interested in his uncle’s work. He used psychological manipulation that was so powerful that it changed the world. His name was Edward Bernays, and you possibly never heard of him, but you need to know about him.

Edward Bernays was born in 1891 in Austria-Hungary and migrated to the US as a child. His mother was Freud’s sister, and his father was the brother of Freud’s wife. Edward came from a prominent family. Despite getting a degree in agriculture, his first jobs were in journalism, and soon, he was writing press releases for the famous while offering suggestions to boost their popularity. For instance, Enrico Caruso was supremely talented, but Bernays instructed him to be more dramatic in his presentation, which catapulted him to superstardom.

The US entered World War I in 1917, and President Woodrow Wilson asked Bernays to be part of a propaganda committee to promote US interests during the war. American citizens needed to support the war effort. Wilson’s propaganda group created a crafty message that Wilson was bringing democracy to Europe and that he was the great liberator. Post-war, Bernays accompanied Wilson to the Paris Peace Conference and was struck by the thousands of Parisians who came out to offer their adoration of Wilson. He became acutely impressed with the power of propaganda and how easily people could be manipulated. He saw an opportunity but realized he needed to change things a bit. He could never open up a propaganda firm, as that term had negative connotations. What did Bernay’s do? He changed the term propaganda to public relations. Edward Bernays created an entire industry in that one move.

There have always been ways to get people to buy stuff, but before Bernays, most advertisements talked about the benefits of a product. This chair was more comfortable, or that cold cream was better at removing makeup. The brilliance of Bernays was that he took the work from Uncle Sigmund and applied it to advertising. He knew it didn’t make any difference if a product was better than another or if you even needed a product. He understood that it was more important for the potential buyer to believe in the product and to identify with it. It was the primitive emotional connection that mattered. Have you ever had a crush on someone and excused all sorts of terrible behavior only to realize they were jerks when the crush faded? That is an example of a primitive emotional connection.

Bernays knew that people could easily be manipulated. He publicly stated that the general population was “dumb,” “stupid,” “irrational,” and “sheep.” His goal was to manipulate their subconscious and impact their desires. He was pro-America, but he felt that the consensus of the people should not run a society. Instead, he strongly felt that a small group of intellectuals should rule a nation and that propaganda could then be used to make the masses buy into this governance and believe that they were part of the decision-making process. Using his techniques, Bernays became known internationally among the elite and wealthy. He advised at least four American presidents and many entertainers and corporate leaders. Let’s take a look at just a few of his accomplishments.  

In 1918, Edward Bernays was contacted by a watch company asking him to persuade men to wear wristwatches. Wristwatches were considered feminine jewelry, and men typically wore pocket watches. Bernays convinced the US Army that using a pocket watch could be dangerous as men often lit a match to see the watch’s face at night, revealing their position. The Army started to issue wristwatches to soldiers, and what was considered feminine suddenly became manly.

In the early 1900s, bacon fell out of favor as a breakfast food because tastes shifted to lighter breakfast fare, like cereal, toast, and coffee. The Beech-Nut Packing Company needed help figuring out how to boost their falling bacon sales, so they consulted with Edward Bernays. He felt he needed to find an authority that people would trust and convince them to change their eating habits. But how would he do this? He asked his agency’s doctor if he felt that having a hearty breakfast was good. His doctor said sure. Bernays then had that doctor send out a survey to other doctors with the same question. Many thought it was a good idea. However, this was purely opinion. Their response was based on the survey asking a leading question and not backed by any data. Bernays released this information to the printed press and radio while incorporating it in ads, stating that 4 out of 5 doctors agree that having a hearty breakfast is essential. The ads featured pictures of bacon and eggs, and people subconsciously connected the doctors’ advice with bacon. People were eating bacon for breakfast again, and profits soared.  

By the mid-1920s, the automobile market was saturated. Everyone who wanted or needed a car had one. The automotive industry hired Edward Bernays to boost sales. Encouraging families to have two vehicles would double car sales, but in those days, that option was too expensive for the average buyer. Edward had psychology on his side, and he knew the way to increase sales was to increase irrational desire. A car is a box on wheels, but he wondered if it could be marketed as something else. His idea was to turn a car into a symbol of male virility, and he suggested that cars be made longer and sportier. He also encouraged small yearly changes in a car’s body and color (a precursor to planned obsolescence). His initial work was with GM, but he also worked for other car manufacturers. Car sales took off. As a side note, I bought a brand new Mustang GT convertible with a manual transmission when I finished my residency. It was a fun car, but now I know why I bought it.

Cigarette smoking was a masculine habit in the early part of the 20th century, and women who openly smoked were considered to be low-class and trashy. This posed a problem for cigarette manufacturers as they saw that they could double their profits if they could convince women to smoke. This was a seemingly impossible task considering how negatively the general population viewed women smoking. However, all that changed in 1929 at the New York City Easter Parade. A group of young, fashionably dressed debutantes broke into the parade and defiantly lit up cigarettes. This action was so newsworthy that their story appeared nationally in newspapers and magazines. These fashionable women claimed their cigarettes were “torches of freedom,” a symbol of women’s rights. Suddenly, it became cool for women to smoke. Was their actions due to an actual social protest? It would seem so, but it was all an act. Edward Bernays hired them to do it. Who hired Mr. B? Lucky Strike, a popular cigarette brand. He also used his skills and connections from his days in the press to ensure the event was amply covered in the media. Interestingly, this same approach was used in 1968 when Virginia Slims pushed the tagline, “You’ve come a long way, baby!” We believe that we are more sophisticated than the generation before us, but the same schtick that got women smoking in 1929 got them to smoke more in 1968.

In the 1930s, Mr. Bernays was contacted by the makers of Dixie Cups. They wanted people to use more of their disposable products. He again used the power of psychology to boost sales. He created the Committee for the Study and Promotion of the Sanitary Dispensing of Food and Drink and ran campaigns on how unsanitary regular glasses were. Included in the ads were subliminal messages with sexual content and inferences that venereal disease were spread by regular glassware. More recently, a similar technique was used to promote paper towels in public bathrooms by releasing selective studies showing that hand dryers spread airborne fecal bacteria. In reality, paper towels and hand dryers are similarly sanitary, but people bought the manipulation and grab for the towels.

Lucky Strike and Edward Bernays got women smoking. However, they were reaping fewer sales than they wanted. Lucky Strike’s packaging was dark green in those days, and that color clashed with women’s outfits. Edward Bernays was consulted on what to do. His first suggestion was to change the packaging color, which was rejected as the company had invested in green as part of its branding. Bernays came up with a brilliant solution. In 1934, he created the Green Ball. Officially hosted by New York society as a charity event, the ball was covertly funded by The American Tobacco Company (owners of the Lucky Strike brand). Bernay used his influence to bring movie stars and other notables to the event. Famous intellectuals read poems and gave speeches on the color green, and the ball featured artwork and other treasures, all in green. Naturally, the fashionable guests wore green. Edward Bernays used his skill and contact list to make sure that the ball was publicized nationally, and he created quite a buzz even before the event happened. Green was no longer out for women’s fashion; it was in, and Lucky Strike cigarette packs no longer clashed with dresses.  

The United Fruit Company (Now Chiquita Brands International) controlled vast areas of land in Central America. They were known for cruelly treating native employees and their prejudicial practices. Their business siphoned off the wealth of countries, which caused resentment among local citizens. In 1951, Jacobo Arbenz was democratically elected as President of Guatemala. Arbenz was a nationalist who wanted to return Guatemala’s resources to Guatemalans. He was progressive and not a Communist. United Fruit wanted to remove him from office and replace him with a president sympathetic to United Fruit’s business practices. They hired Edward Bernays, who launched a psychological campaign to discredit Arbenz. Bernay’s main thrust was to ruin Arbenz by dishonestly claiming he was a Communist. Carefully created articles were written in US papers and magazines, and selective interviews with Guatemalan leaders opposed to Arbenz were conducted. Bernays convinced the American people that Arbenz was dangerous to democracy and potentially a threat to the US. The US government covertly launched a coup, and in 1954, Arbenz was ousted. Castillo Armas was sympathetic to the needs of United Fruit. He became dictator of Guatemala and reversed the social reforms that Arbenz initiated. His rule led to decades of civil war and the genocide of the Maya people.  

The above are just some ways that Edward Bernays impacted the world. Some of his actions, such as getting men to wear wristwatches, are pretty innocent. Others, like encouraging women to smoke or helping overthrow an elected Guatemalan government, are more sinister. His campaigns show how easily the general population could be manipulated. Remember, he categorized the average citizen as stupid, dumb, irrational, sheep, and incapable of self-governance. His success bolstered his beliefs.

He was not the first person to use psychological manipulation to control others. He was a propagandist, and many other propagandists preceded him. However, he is credited as the Father of Public Relations, whose psychological manipulation continues to impact us to this very day. Some say he is the father of lies, as he often manipulated data and facts to reach his goal.

The next time you believe the content of a political attack or want to replace a major appliance because it’s the wrong color, or buy an expensive shampoo because you think that your hair will look like the actor in a commercial, think about Edward Bernays and remember what he thought about you.

Peace

Mike

Uncategorized

Pack Your Lunch

In February 2024 this website crashed for no apparent reason. Despite using professionals at GoDaddy.com it was impossible to restore anything after October 2021 (over 100 posts). I do have many of those post in draft form (no final edit or photos) and I have decided to repost them in that manner. I apologize for typos and other errors. How do I feel about losing all of my original work? Life goes on.

The first three videos that I produced for YouTube were on how to pack a lunch.  That was around 2008 and it was in response to treating divorced men who I was seeing in my practice who were going broke buying lunch every day.  Admittedly, the videos were way too long and too detailed. 

I went out with my friend, Tom, for breakfast last weekend.  We have a favorite spot in Chicago and have been going there for years.  Last month breakfast (including tip) for the two of us was around $40.  This month the same meals are close to $50.  Price increases can be found at every prepared food level, from fast food to swanky restaurants.  Based on the above, I thought I would write a post based on my decades of experience of packing everything from a simple lunch to three complete meals.

When I was a medical student I was poor, very poor.  The school that I attended had a lot of wealthy kids who thought nothing of buying their lunch every day.  I was in the small minority who brought lunch and ate it in the barren “medical student lounge.”  In those days may grocery stores had a “generic aisle” of food that was truly generic.  These items were very inferior to house brands.  In fact, once I opened a can of green beans that contained an entire plant: stem, leaves, and roots.  This is where I shopped for food.  In those days I used a simple brown bag, which I eventually upgraded to a fabric bag with a Velcro closure.  My lunches were always the same: generic bread with generic lunch meat (often bologna) or a PBJ, A Capri Sun pouch drink, and a third item such as a piece of fruit or a few sandwich cookies.  My one big extravagance was the purchase of a Swiss Army knife.  A fellow poor student had one and used it to cut up apples and the like.  I saved my penies and bought my very own knife and used it constantly.  In fact, I still have it to this very day.

I graduated medical school and started my residency.  By then I was divorced and with a young child.  I was making money, but not much.  I needed my own apartment (due to my visiting daughter), and I was also paying child support.  Money was very tight, but a bit looser than medical school.  Due to cost, I almost always cooked at home. Typically, I would make a “dinner for two.”  I would immediately separate half of the meal into a rectangular Rubbermaid container.  It was around 1” deep and was designed to accommodate two stacks of lunch meat next to each other.  That container would go into the fridge and would be my lunch for the next day.  It was a great solution and I honestly believe that my lunches were not only more economical, but better tasting than the stuff available in the hospital’s cafeteria.  I would supplement that meal with other foods, like a piece of fruit, or cookies.  When I didn’t have a  leftover meal I would go with whatever I could find in my kitchen.  Cheese and crackers, a sandwich, a can of soup.  The key was being flexible.  I know I had a lunch box of some sort, but I can’t remember what it was. In those days coffee was always available as was water.

When I started my real job I had more money.  Many people around me frequently ordered in food or went out to local restaurants.  Although I could afford to do this, it made no sense.  By bringing my lunch I could use my breaks to complete paperwork and return phone calls.  By not doing that at the end of the day I got to go home as soon as I was finished with my last patient. Here I followed a similar pattern of bringing leftovers, standard lunches, or sometimes shelf-stable meals.  It wasn’t uncommon for me to bring both lunch and dinner.  During the last 10 years of my working life I traveled to Rockford for two days a week.  It wasn’t uncommon for me to bring a light breakfast, lunch and dinner on those days. My lunch bag of choice was a soft sided cooker designed to hold a six pack.  It was compact enough and spacious enough.  An insulated lunch bag is a real lifesaver, and I never had an issue with food spoilage.  

My kids have picked up my habit and almost always bring lunch to work or school. They are still at home and are happy to use family supplies instead of spending their own money.  

The bottom line is that packing a lunch can be very simple and fast once you get the hang of it.  Plus, it will save you quite a bit of money.  Not only will you be saving on exorbitant restaurant prices, you will be using up home foods that you would likely throw out.

I believe that you should follow the KISS option when making lunch, or keep it simple silly.  The more complex you make it, the less likely you will continue to do it.  Personally, I’m the type of person who doesn’t like to rush in the morning so I would usually do everything the night before, including making my lunch. Then it was just grab and go.

Contain your food.

Uncategorized

Six years retired

In February 2024 this website crashed for no apparent reason. Despite using professionals at GoDaddy.com it was impossible to restore anything after October 2021 (over 100 posts). I do have many of those post in draft form (no final edit or photos) and I have decided to repost them in that manner. I apologize for typos and other errors. How do I feel about losing all of my original work? Life goes on.

This is my annual retirement update. It has been six years since I retired from Genesis, and five years since I have been completely retired.  As usual, my life situation has changed during this last year.  Let me start with two stories.

Story One

Four PM last Thursday found me rummaging in my pantry.  In my hand, I had a medium-sized reusable bag.  In the bag went a box of Wheat Thins, a couple protein bars, a partially filled jar of cashews, and a few mandarin oranges.  I went to the fridge to score a couple cans of Coke Zero and seltzer water.  Car food for our trip was secured.  I was then off to William’s workplace to pick him up.  By 4:30 PM we were on the road traveling to Ohio driving in the dark on the interstate, then on country roads.  Driving at night was no fun, but I wanted to be there for my son. He was going to spend two days with 17 other candidates as part of a graduate school recruitment.  Driving was a minor part of the trip as we talked along the way.  Helping William required no thought. I have an open schedule.  I can be there for my family at a moment’s notice.

Story Two

It isn’t uncommon for me to get job offers, often multiple ones every month.  However, this offer was different as it involved a former colleague.  He was offering me a job in my town that required only 12 hours of my time per week.  The appealing aspect of the offer was its huge salary. My initial thought was that I should take the offer.  However, I was instantly filled with a sense of dread.  How could I pass up on this opportunity?  Why was I feeling so negatively about it?  I pondered and the answer came to me.  I realized that the additional money would not improve my life.  I am a simple person with adequate means.  More money would lead to buying more junk that I have no need for.  A new job would yield more structure in my life, but I cherish the fluidity of my current situation. Being content with where I’m at made it clear to me that I had to say no.

I am telling you these recent stories as they encapsulate how I am feeling about retirement.  I am very happy with my status, and I have no need to change it.  Are there things that I still want to do?  Yes, but those have been placed on pause due to other events in my life.  Most notably, my wife’s illness.

Her illness has been my focus for the last year, and that focus has put other aspects of my life on hold.  Is that bad?  No, not at all.  If you can’t be there for your spouse then who can you be there for?  My retirement made it possible to visit her every day during the month that she was in the hospital.  It allowed me the freedom to drive her to a myriad of appointments and therapy sessions post-hospitalization.  It has allowed me to take on jobs that she did so our household runs smoothly.

My retirement gives me time with my kids.  Whether chatting in the morning over a cup of coffee, or making dinner with them in the evening.  I have an understanding of what is going on in their lives, and I believe that they are happy with my involvement.

Now that Julie’s health is improving I want to re-engage with photography, and I would like to go on extended camping trips. These simple things give me great pleasure.  Julie and I will also try more traveling this year starting with a visit to our dear friends, John and Barb. Additionally, I want to travel to more wilderness areas in Violet the campervan. I prefer this to more standard vacations, but we hope to do some of those too.  Julie has been a trooper in her pursuit to return to normalcy.   

Overall, I have a feeling of contentment.  Many times I am outwardly happy, at other times I feel satisfied.  I have a purpose, it is just not the purpose that consumed me when I was working 60 hours a week. It is a purpose that is sometimes focused on others, and at other times it is focused on me.  This feels like the right balance.

As I have disclosed many times, I’m an introvert so I don’t have a tremendous need to always be in motion.  Yet, I do have a deep need to connect with the people that I care about.  It gives me satisfaction to be there for the family and friends that I hold dear.  I believe that the reciprocal is also true, and it is wonderful to have people in my life who value and care for me.

Every year my life changes somewhat.  New problems arise, and old ones get solved.  New demands present themselves as others recede.  I prefer to roll with it.  I don’t want to waste my time with doom and gloom scenarios.  I’m a problem solver by nature, but I don’t want to focus my life on potential disasters that may never happen.   I take life “One day at a time.”  

I’m trying to be kinder to myself.  I have always been good at focusing on my negative qualities while minimizing my positive ones.  If you read some of my previous posts you know how much shame I have around my life-long battle with being overweight.  I was talking to my friend, Tom about it as both of us are always trying to lose weight.  Suddenly, a realization came to me.  The vast majority of people accept me for who I am.  I can’t remember ever being bullied because of my weight (The fact that I’m 6’3” may have played a part in that).  The only people who weaponized my obesity were my father and one of my brothers, and that was a long time ago. I know that I must continue to try to regain a more normal weight, and I am doing things to achieve that goal.  I’m also aware that for many, weight is an auto-regulated function like heart rate or breathing.  For me, something is off.  Research on the topic indicates genetics, epigenetics, and the environment as strongly contributing factors to my life-long problem.  Last year I wrote to my primary care physician telling him how my weight shame prevented me from seeing him as often as I should.  I did this to confront my great irrational fear that he was judging me being an authority figure in my life.  He was beyond understanding and kind.  I’m continuing to walk/hike regularly, and am once again reducing sugar in my life.  I understand that there are people who will judge me no matter what.  I don’t need them.  I also know that there are individuals who will value me for who I am.  I will hold them close to me.

I am focused on gratitude. I’m a positive person who sees the many gifts and privileges I have been given.  I am more fortunate than many. It feels good to wake up grateful instead of having a negative cloud chasing me.  I am thankful that I am a positive person.

I am grateful that I’m kind.  I see this trait in my children. For me, it is one of the most important qualities that any person can have. Along with it comes empathy and a sense of connection with others.

Many years ago I realized that most individuals have core areas that motivate and satisfy them.  These general categories are very broad and are essential to one’s happiness.  They vary from person to person and can be discovered by dissecting past events that made someone happy or unhappy.  There are many, but it is sometimes best to focus on a few. For me, there has always been a triad to my happiness.  I love to learn, I love to teach, I love to be creative.  Learning how to be a doctor was complicated, learning how to make a good pot of soup is less so, but also enjoyable.  Teaching residents and medical students was rewarding, but so is helping my kids be more competent adults.  I find creative options everywhere, and this aspect of my life forever brings me joy.

There are also core negative things that tend to bring a person down.  These basic functions have a detrimental impact on wellbeing.  They tend to be more generic than the first category.  I choose to reject negative people who have a willingness to find fault in others.  These are people who overtly or covertly put others down either by their direct criticism or by their constant references to their Instagram lives. I reject people who live for drama and frequently find it by causing conflict.

Year six of retirement leaves me content, happy, and very grateful for all of the blessings in my life.  I continue to learn, teach, and be creative.  I want to shower those close to me with love and kindness while accepting that they are individual beings who have the right to their own opinions. I want to actively focus on accepting others for who they are while rejecting any judgment of them based on narrow criteria of any sort, from race to religion to orientation, to political beliefs. I want to celebrate each day for the joy that it brings.  I want to focus on the many positives of my life instead of dwelling on the negatives.  I want to live each day to its fullest-Having coffee with a friend, enjoying a good meal and nice conversation with my family, experiencing the tranquility of a walk in the woods, being excited about seeing a new way to photograph a common object, learning something new… and so much more.  

Life is what you make of it, and I choose to make every day an adventure.

Peace

Mike

Uncategorized

On Parenting

In February 2024 this website crashed for no apparent reason. Despite using professionals at GoDaddy.com it was impossible to restore anything after October 2021 (over 100 posts). I do have many of those post in draft form (no final edit or photos) and I have decided to repost them in that manner. I apologize for typos and other errors. How do I feel about losing all of my original work? Life goes on.

I recently celebrated a birthday and was overwhelmed by the kind words and efforts of others. My family worked hard and made me a special birthday dinner.  Although my wife spearheaded the meal, the kids were more than casual participants. All were given significant jobs for the task at hand.  At dinner, everyone went around the table to say something nice about me.  This traditional act filled me with emotion.  That emotion was not the result of self-pride, rather it reflected the respect and love that I have for my children.  I truly feel that they are awesome individuals.

In my professional life, I have worked with many teens, young adults, and families.  I have witnessed some parents who have worked very hard to raise a child who has turned out badly.  Conversely, I have seen uninvolved parents who somehow have raised an amazing kid. A person is more than parental involvement.  Genetics, epigenetics, the influence of others, and the environment have a significant impact on one’s development. Additionally, sometimes it takes only a single event or interaction to have a good or bad impact on a person. However, the more you stack the cards in your favor the more likely you will have the outcome that you desire.

Are my kids perfect? No.  Are we perfect parents? No.  We did the best that we could, but we did so in a thoughtful manner.  If a person wants an advanced degree or even if they want to learn how to bake a cake they have to approach the topic with thought, planning, effort, and revision.  Why is it that we think that we are supposed to intuitively know how to do one of the most complicated tasks ever, raising a child?

I thought I would share some of my thoughts on child-rearing.  Do with them what you will.

I believe that the goal of a parent is to help a child become a successful adult.  However, I define success differently than most.  I feel that a successful adult is a person who can reasonably support themselves. A successful adult can form healthy relationships with others at a level that is suitable for them. A successful adult feels whole. A successful adult has a sense of purpose.  A successful adult has empathy for others.  A successful adult accepts others based on who they are rather than some narrow superficial categorization.  A successful adult can achieve reasonable life goals.  A successful adult is kind.  A successful adult has enough self-esteem to have a sense of self. A successful adult has healthy self-respect but also respects others.

I don’t define success on typical markers, such as salary, net worth, job title, or possessions.  Further, I don’t define it based on a number of vacations or life experiences.  There is nothing wrong with these things, but I have witnessed many who seem to have all of life’s trappings but are miserable, selfish, and disconnected.  

What can you do to promote a child to become a successful adult?

Love them

Each child is unique.  Love them for who they are.  It is OK to be upset or even mad when a child deserves it.  Bad actions deserve consequences. However, it is unacceptable to withhold love to punish someone.  

Teach them

An individual has to be competent to successfully navigate life.  We all need basic skills to function.  My wife and I have worked hard to ensure that our kids know how to clean a toilet, do laundry, budget their money, and cook a real meal from basic ingredients. Additionally, they have been encouraged to approach these tasks thoughtfully.  For instance, if you clean as you go you have very little mess after you cook a meal.  This makes it more likely that you will cook food the next time instead of using DoorDash. Mostly, our kids make their morning coffee and pack their lunches. They feel comfortable doing these routine tasks. 

Teach your children to be flexible

There are many examples that I could give, but let’s stay on the food theme.  My kids help with meal prep and are responsible for making one of our weekly dinners. They can request that I buy certain food items, but they are more likely to prepare food from our larder. Because of this, they need to think outside of the box and substitute items.  Flexibility and adaptiveness are key elements of being a successful adult.

Provide needs but not all want

We all have genuine needs, some generic, and others specific to our life situation.  If possible, needs should be supplied without questions.  However, we also have wants, some of which we falsely believe are needs.  It is reasonable to supply wants, but only to a degree.  When our kids reached an age where they needed cell phones they received reconditioned older models.  When they got older and showed that they were responsible I provided them with the money for a basic iPhone.  If they wanted to upgrade it they could, but on their dime.  Could I have given them a phone with all of the bells and whistles?  Probably, but their phones held much more value to them because of their involvement.  It is common for me to pay for part of a want, it is also common for me to allow them to save for a want. Such an approach separates a person from the “On Demand”  easy credit rhetoric so prevalent and damaging in our society.

Protect them, but allow skinned knees

I would never place my children in danger and would do anything within my power to ensure that they are safe.  However, one of the biggest mistakes that I see in rearing a child is to ensure that they never have a consequence.  We all screw up, and when we do we should deal with the result.  When parents fix everything for their kids they produce reckless and inconsiderate adults.

Money is not god

We all need money, and the goal of any adult is to have enough money to live comfortably.  However, many believe that money is the road to happiness.  I’m here to say that is not the case.  I can’t tell you how many very wealthy and very unhappy people I have treated in my life.  I have emphasized to my kids that they need to make at least enough money to live independently.  More is fine too, but it should never be their sole focus.

Focus on connection with others

We all have different needs.  Some need many connections, others need only a few.  Some need intense connections, while others are OK with more superficial ones.  However, most need some sort of connection with others.  

Focus on empathy

Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. If you want to have real connections with others you need to connect with them on this level.  Note that empathy is very different from codependency. Codependency is not a good thing.

Focus on compassion

This is the genuine concern for the suffering of others and is different from empathy.

Focus on kindness

In my book, this is the most important quality for any person.  Kindness is not a weakness, it is a sign of great strength. It is the willingness to be generous and considerate of others.  I want my kids to be kind, and I want them to choose kind friends.

Focus on reasonable self-respect

We should all have a sense of our intrinsic worth.  I’m not talking about an inflated sense of self.  Self-worth allows us to deal with the jerks that we are sure to encounter in life.  It helps us achieve our goals and guides us to healthy friendships and life partners.

Show by example

Have you ever witnessed a parent tell a kid to act in one way when they are doing the opposite?  Don’t be that parent.

Focus on giving back

Our kids were involved in many different volunteer opportunities when they were growing up.  This fosters an appreciation for others who are different, as well as an appreciation for the life that they have been given.

Life is not a popularity contest

Some parents want to relive their youth by ensuring that their kids are in the popular crowd.  This is often a terrible place to be as those kids frequently have to sell their souls and compromise their values to stay included.  It is much better to teach your kids to be kind and friendly to everyone.  

Consider activities

I don’t believe in over-programming your kids.  However, involvement with outside groups and activities can help with building teamwork as well as providing many other benefits. There are many ways to do this.  Our kids took music lessons which gave them additional skills and fostered patience and hard work.  Consider the many options out there from sports to clubs.  

Allow them to have some free time

It is possible to provide your child with so many activities that they have no downtime or playtime.  This can result in individuals who have problems structuring any time as adults. Balance in everything!

Your child is important, but they are not the center of the universe

If you are a good parent you try to do right by your kids.  However, I have seen parents become so focused on their kids that they lose their relationships in the process.  Your kids do not have to belong to every club or activity.  They don’t have to go on every trip.  Balance!

It is OK to say no

Parenting is not a popularity contest.  Many kids want their parents to set appropriate limits. It makes them feel safe.  However, “no” like “yes” should be used with thought and moderation.

It is OK to compromise

Listen to your kids and their opinions.  If you approach parenting as “It is my way or the highway,” you will be doing everyone a disservice.  

Foster  purpose

A life of stuff without purpose is very empty. We all need some sort of purpose that is fulfilling.  That purpose is different from individual to individual and can change over time.  If a person wants to change the world, great.  However, many purposes are much more mundane.  Still, they are equally valid and beneficial.

Christmas is special because it’s Christmas

Extend this to any special event.  If you had Christmas every day it would be pretty boring.  You don’t have to be a Disney dad or mom.

Guide, but don’t control

As parents, we have a wealth of knowledge that we have gained over time.  Find ways to share that knowledge with your kids, but it is not your job to control them into what you think they should be.  The former is good parenting, the latter is narcissism.  

Tell them when they are out of line, but avoid shame and guilt

This one is pretty self-explanatory.  I have no problem telling my kids when they have screwed up.  However, I don’t try to control their behavior with shame or guilt.

Praise them for their successes, but avoid participation awards

Our children should receive praise for their successes.  However, we live in a world where kids are given awards just for showing up.  That is BS and breeds a false sense of self.

Don’t pit one kid against another to achieve a goal.

Also self explanatory  How many parents compare one of their kids with another?  Each kid is unique.  Don’t be an a-hole parent.

Realize that it is their life, not yours.

Our children may choose a path different from what WE would want them to do.  However, it is their life and their choice.  That is not to say that we shouldn’t offer our opinion when they are making an extremely poor decision. With that said, the best advice is the advice that is asked for by the individual.   The path that a 5-year-old wants should have more parental intervention than the path of a 21-year-old.

Introduce spirituality

I am not here to tell you to raise your child in a particular religion.  However, children need to realize that they are just a small part of the bigger picture. Spirituality can encompass anything from attending a church to connecting with and respecting nature.

Consider frugality

We live in a consumer world that pushes stuff over substance.  That drive often results in debt.  Debt breeds anxiety, fear, and insecurity.  Teach your children to live with less, and to treat their possessions with care.

Teach rationality

Kids are constantly influenced by others who want to sell them something or manipulate them.  All of our kids graduated from college and they all have (or will have) multiple degrees.  They are gifted and had many college options.  Very prestigious colleges wanted them but offered no incentives.  Very good colleges were willing to fund their educations to get them to attend (as their scores improved the overall admission ratings of those colleges). We explored these choices rationally with our kids and they opted to go with the schools that wanted them so much that they were willing to pay for it. We did this with logic, statistics, and other methods.  We didn’t focus on BS reasons like “the college experience” or our own narcissistic need to have our kids attend a university that would give us bragging rights. Getting your kids to think rationally is giving them a superpower.

If your parenting style isn’t working, try plan B

One lay definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing while expecting a different outcome.  If your style of parenting isn’t working it is time to stop, think, and possibly seek outside intervention.

Be a parent tag-team

Kids like to split parents and some parents willingly participate in this destructive action.  There always is flexibility in good parenting.  However, if both parents are on board for the greater good everyone benefits.

Teach your children respect for everything

From your pet poodle to Mother Nature.

Have fun

Parenting is hard work, but it should have elements of fun.  Be silly, do fun things, and be spontaneous.  If you are having fun, so are they. It feels good to laugh with your kids!

You are always their parent…but

Our adult children may make choices that we may not agree with.  Remember, that they are adults. Also, remember that their poor choices are not our responsibility.

Peace

Mike

Uncategorized

Thoughts on Instant Coffee

In February 2024 this website crashed for no apparent reason. Despite using professionals at GoDaddy.com it was impossible to restore anything after October 2021 (over 100 posts). I do have many of those post in draft form (no final edit or photos) and I have decided to repost them in that manner. I apologize for typos and other errors. How do I feel about losing all of my original work? Life goes on.

In the house on Francisco Avenue on the battered Crown gas range sat an old aluminum percolator. The pot took twelve cups of water that when raised to a boil, would force the liquid up a metal tube and saturate the basket full of coffee below.  This infused suspension would drip back into the pot until the coffee was deemed done.  My father insisted that the perfect percolation time was exactly seven and one half minutes.  It wasn’t clear if he actually managed such precision.

Growing up there was always a pot of coffee on our stove in the morning, and frequently in the evening.  Sometimes my mother bought Eight O’Clock coffee, at other times it was Maxwell House, but her most frequent purchase was Folgers in a big red tin can.  I’m not sure if she thought that it tasted better, or perhaps she was influenced by Virginia Christine’s long-time depiction of Mrs. Olson, the pitch person for Folgers Coffee.  Mrs. Olson reminded her audience that Folgers Coffee was “Mountain grown, the richest kind.”  As far as I know all coffee is grown on mountains, so I guess all coffee is the richest kind.  However, her pitch must have worked as Folgers kept her as their spokesperson for over 20 years.

Then, there was a rumor that Christine was the heiress to the Folgers fortune, and to keep her inheritance she had to work for the company.  This seems wholly false as I could find no support for that claim when I researched it for this post.  In reality, she was a veteran actor who performed in over 400 movies.  However, most of us will remember her as the aproned  Mrs. O, who was glad to be typecast as that gig allowed for a very nice retirement.

Coffee was such an integral part of our lives that it was always offered to guests who visited our house.  Likewise, whenever we went visiting we were given a cup, usually accompanied by a sweet.  I remember many visits to my maiden aunts, Mary and Lill.  I was the youngest in my family so my parents took me along as they sat around the kitchen table talking, or sometimes playing a game.  Often, my Aunt Mary had baked something, but at other times we would be offered packaged cookies from their apple-modeled red cookie jar.  My Aunt Lill had a special fondness for packaged Windmill cookies, so they were always in plenty.  

At a very young age, I was offered a cup of coffee that consisted of about 25% coffee mixed with 75% milk, and dosed with a heaping teaspoon of sugar.  Having a cup of coffee when I was eight seemed perfectly normal to me.

We moved to a new home in the 1970s and the percolator was replaced with brewing’s latest technology, a Mr. Coffee coffee maker.  Ours was molded in a sparkling white plastic and featured a yellow gingham faceplate.  Making coffee was as simple as pouring in the water, adding the coffee, and pressing a button. Marvelous!  

I was away at college, my siblings were married, and my parents’ coffee needs were on the decline.  They still loved their coffee, but after the morning pot, they switched to instant, specifically a new type of instant coffee, freeze-dried Taster’s Choice.  An instant so confident in itself that it claimed to taste as good as the traditionally brewed stuff.

Instant coffee has been around since the turn of the last century, and it gained popularity as it was included in soldier’s MRE meals during WWII.  This original instant was made by spaying brewed coffee into hot air which evaporated the water and left a coffee residue powder.  Taster’s Choice was made differently, it was freeze-dried where the water evaporated under a vacuum.  This method claimed to be superior to the older method and created instant coffee granules instead of powder.  I never tasted much difference between the two methods, and the resulting liquid didn’t taste much like coffee to me.  However, the more you drank it the less objectionable it was, and after a while it tasted good enough.  

After I left my parent’s home I stopped drinking instant coffee; it was easy to brew my own.  The only times that I would drink instant was when I used a hotel’s in-room coffee service, or occasionally when I would go camping.  Even then, I usually brewed coffee. My impression remained the same, instant wasn’t very good, but the more you drank the more acceptable it became.  

Four of us are morning coffee drinkers in Kunaland, and I have been grinding my own beans for decades.  I would never call myself a coffee expert, but I do know a good cup when I drink one.  However, I also know that coffee is extremely subjective.  If you watch videos of people doing taste tests it is not unusual to have one person like a brand that another thinks is disgusting.

It should be noted that more people are making coffee at home; it is convenient and much less expensive to do this than buying coffee at a local shop. With automatic drip pots, the French press, pour-over systems, cold brew, Nespresso pods, and K cups you would think that the days of instant coffee are over.  However, you can still find many brands on the grocer’s shelves, and it isn’t uncommon for me to see a jar in someone’s basket when I check out.  

It surprised me to find that many countries prefer using instant to regular coffee for homebrew.  These countries include Great Britain, China, Russia, Mexico, Turkey, and many others. Asian countries prefer to buy sachets that they call Triples, which contain instant coffee, creamer, and sugar combined in a packet.  

In the United States, brewed coffee is preferred, but instant coffee was still a 5.8 billion dollar industry in 2022, and it is expected to grow into an 8 billion dollar industry by 2030.  Based on the above information I thought it was time for me to revisit instant coffee.

There are more than a dozen instant coffee brands available in the US.  Some premium brands, like Starbucks Via can cost almost a dollar a cup. Starbucks’s claim to fame is that they also include some finely ground regular coffee which adds a bit more flavor and aroma.   I have used Via on hiking adventures in the past, and in those situations, its expensive sachets may make sense.  However, at around a dollar a cup you would be better served using any brew method at home.  You can buy bulk K cups for as little as 40 cents each and brew ground coffee beans for less than that.

Many instant coffees are significantly less expensive.  Costco sells a 16 oz jar of Folgers Instant for $9.69 which makes 240 cups (6 oz each) of coffee.  That is four cents a cup.  Double the cost to eight cents and you can have a big 12 oz mug.

I decided to do a little experiment and purchased three jars of instant coffee. I deliberately purchased store brands and avoided high-end expensive instants based on my logic listed above.  

Brands Purchased:

Aldi Beaumont Coffee  at 3 cents for a 6 oz cup

Folger Classic Roast at 4 cents a 6 oz cup

Cafe Bustelo at around 6 cents for a 6 oz cup

The smell test

None of these coffees have a coffee aroma once the jar has been opened for even a short amount of time.  Coffee aroma adds to its taste, but it has been impossible for manufacturers to incorporate coffee oils that wouldn’t turn the coffee rancid.

Free-dried or spray-dried?

In past coffee use, I could not tell much of a difference.

First experiment

I tried Folgers made per instruction with boiling water.  Result:  The same taste that I remember from drinking Taster’s Choice in the day, Blech!.  Bland, processed, flat.  Not good.  

The problem

The lack of coffee aroma is a definite negative for instant coffee.  Additionally, instant coffee seems to be less acidic, which makes it taste flat.

Masking

Adding something to mask the coffee flavor can make drinking a cup of instant coffee much more palatable.  I always add some whole milk to my coffee and this moved the cup of Folgers from blech to drinkable. I think any type of milk would do, as would sugar, a flavoring (like a dash of cinnamon), or a combination of cream and sugar.

A better rehydrating method

I read about several methods used to improve the taste of instant coffee.  Two didn’t seem to make much of a difference, but the third surprisingly elevated the coffee several notches, and it is simple to do.  Add a couple tablespoons of tap water into your cup and mix in your coffee granules.  Heat water just below boiling (stop when small bubbles break the surface).  Add this hot water to your cup and stir.  Add your masking agent (in my case a splash of milk) and enjoy.  This coffee wasn’t as good as the real thing, but it was surprisingly acceptable. If this was the only coffee that I had I could drink it without problem.

Which coffee tasted the best?

This is a subjective opinion.  The Folgers was a bit better than the Beaumont and the Cafe Bustelo was a bit better than the Folgers. All of the coffees were brewed using the “better rehydrating method” and whole milk was added.  The difference between the various instant coffees was slight and none (as expected) were as good as the regular coffee that I brew at home.  However, all were acceptable.  

Why drink instant coffee?

Instant coffee delivers caffeine (you can buy decaf too) for your morning jolt.  You make exactly the quantity that you want, so there is no waste.  It is very easy to make a cup or two. There is no coffee grounds mess. Instant is less likely to go stale in the jar, as the volatile oils are already gone. It is incredibly inexpensive to make a cup if you stick with standard brands. Lastly, if you drink it on a regular basis you will adjust to the taste, which will appear normal.

Alternatives

Of course, you can buy a cup of coffee, but even McDonald’s coffee has gotten expensive.  Here are some homebrew solutions.  All will give you a more realistic cup of coffee at a higher price than instant, and likely with less convenience.

Percolator coffee

You can still buy percolators.  Some are electric and automatic. I think these pots produce the best coffee aromas.  However, the brew can sometimes taste a bit cooked or even slightly burnt. With that said, there is nothing as good smelling as percolator coffee on a cold morning while camping.

Home drip coffee

From automatic pots to pour-over systems.  The quality of coffee can be quite good.  It can be more time-consuming to make.  Cleanup may be slightly more work.

French Press

Fast and easy.  Can produce an excellent cup of coffee.  Cleanup can be messy.

K cups

Very convenient, no waste.  Coffee can be a bit insipid.  Additionally, you can have a lot of unnecessary plastic waste.

Nespresso

Another pod system,  but I have not tried them so I can’t rate them.

Coffee Tea Bags

Made by several companies.  Folgers is the most reasonably priced, and the most available.  At around 60 cents a “tea” bag this coffee only requires a cup and some hot water.  It is super fine ground coffee so you get some aroma and you can adjust the strength of the coffee by controlling your steep time.  Cleanup is easy and the bags are very portable.

Other methods

There are many ways to make coffee.  Each method has its own time commitment for making, monitoring, and cleaning up. Making coffee will always be less expensive than going to a shop.

I’m not against buying coffee at a shop, I do it myself.  However, I prefer this as a treat as it can be unnecessarily  expensive to buy a cup or two every day.  It is inexpensive to make homebrew, and it is downright cheap to use instant.  Instant will still give you the caffeine that you crave in a nice warm beverage. If you use the brewing method that I outlined above and add a masking agent, like milk or sugar, a cup of instant coffee can be quite acceptable.

Bone appetite!

Mike

Uncategorized

What Has Happened To Boys?

In February 2024 this website crashed for no apparent reason. Despite using professionals at GoDaddy.com it was impossible to restore anything after October 2021 (over 100 posts). I do have many of those post in draft form (no final edit or photos) and I have decided to repost them in that manner. I apologize for typos and other errors. How do I feel about losing all of my original work? Life goes on.

Over the last decades, I have noticed an interesting and upsetting phenomenon—adult men who live their lives as boys. They never become self-sufficient men.  

Everyone has the right to choose their own path.  Not everyone has to be ambitious and driven. However, traditionally, men have felt a responsibility to be self-sufficient and productive. To be clear, I’m not lambasting alternative lifestyles.  For instance, the househusband or the man who gives up a traditional job to care for an elderly parent.  These folks are productive members of society. I’m talking about boys who never grow up.  Individuals who choose to live a dependent and responsibility-free life where they contribute little to others or society.  These people have always existed, but their numbers are growing.  Nicholas Eberstadt,  the chair of Political Economy at the American Enterprise Institute, notes the following:

Over 7 million men, ages 25-54 (prime working years), are unemployed and are not looking for work. To put that number into perspective, that is more people than the combined populations of Chicago, Houston, Indianapolis, San Franciso, and Orlando.

Individuals with only a high school diploma are overrepresented in this group, and those without a high school certificate represent an even higher number.

Forty percent of this group has some college, and one-sixth has a college degree.

If you are foreign-born, you are less likely to be in this group.

This lack of employment is not strictly due to outsourcing jobs, lack of low-requirement jobs, economic downturns, or the automation of jobs. 

This lack of employment is not due to lack of education as there are 11 million job openings, and many have minimal requirements, such as showing up sober and being on time.

African Americans are overrepresented, while Latinos and Asians are under-represented.  Therefore, if you compare whites to non-whites, the numbers are pretty much a wash.

You are less likely to be in this group if you are married or in a situation where you are responsible for children. A married African-American male would be underrepresented in this group.

This non-working, non-job-seeking group is four times larger than those unemployed and looking for work.  However, this group is not measured in governmental statistics on unemployment. 

The 7 million number does not include institutionalized individuals, such as prisoners. 

You may ask what these individuals do with their time.  The answer is not much.  They don’t seem involved in their communities and are not helping around the house. Most list their main activity as screen time, but this statistic is not defined further. The average time spent in front of a screen is around 2000 hours/year, equivalent to a full-time job. 

These folks survive on the charity of others: family members, wives, and girlfriends.  About half are on some sort of government assistance. However, this is difficult to quantify further as there are many different types of assistance and disability programs in the US, and no comprehensive clearinghouse collates these numbers. 

Although their financial resources could be considered penurious, their basic needs are being met.  In fact, they would be considered well-to-do if you compared their economic status to unemployed individuals in the 1800s. They have enough to get by.

In summary, there are over seven million men who, during their prime working years, choose not to work.  This number continues to grow at an alarming rate and is independent of factors such as the loss of jobs due to automation or outsourcing. Some individuals may have valid reasons for their lack of employment, but it is a choice for many others. These individuals don’t contribute money or labor to their homes or communities and drain resources that could be used for others. 

This work refusal trend started around 1965 and has increased monthly by about 0.1%/month.  If you plot the numbers, it is a linear increasing line independent of economic changes. In other words, since 1965, there has been a steady linear increase in the number of men who are no longer in the workforce and are not looking for a job. 

During my years as a psychotherapist, I sometimes treated these individuals.  Additionally, I treated teens who seemed destined to adopt this non-productive lifestyle.  Here are four examples.  Identifiers have been changed to protect these individuals.

Billy was a 15-year-old high school sophomore.  He did the absolute minimum in school and barely passed despite receiving many resources. He didn’t like to socialize and had no friends.  He spent most of his time on his computer.  Billy denied being depressed or having anxiety issues.  When asked what he liked to do, he responded, “Nothing.”  When I tried to engage him on any topic, for instance, what kind of music he liked, he denied any preferences.  He appeared quietly angry and very passive. He was an empty individual.  His parents said he didn’t cause any problems at home; he refused to participate in any family activity and preferred to isolate himself.  There was no suspicion of drug or alcohol use. 

John was a 19-year-old college freshman. He was in advanced math in high school and declared he was a math major in college. I saw him after his disastrous freshman year, as he had failed his classes, including math.  He said that all his teachers were “terrible and incompetent.”  He didn’t feel motivated to return to school but didn’t want to get a job either. He admitted that he had gone from occasionally smoking marijuana in high school to using it multiple times a day in college, now that he was away from home.  He was convinced that the marijuana enhanced his thinking ability and helped him be more creative. When I told him that it was likely that the marijuana was doing the opposite, he became angry and left treatment.

Joe was a pleasant 29-year-old man living with his parents. Joe went away to college but flunked out.  His parents then sent him to their local community college.  He said he was attending class, but it was later discovered that he would leave the house and roam the streets instead of going to school.  Joe’s parents then found him various jobs through their contacts, but he would get fired due to lack of work or attendance. He did some socializing with his high school friends but spent most of his time online. His parents wanted to sell their house and move to another state. They did not want to take Joe with them.  Joe said he wanted to be responsible and find a job but never attempted.  He talked about making big money by starting his own YouTube channel but never did. He wanted to live independently but never made any effort to make that happen.  Joe said all the right things but never acted on any of them. His parents eventually moved, and Joe went with them.

Jimmy was a 59-year-old single male who was superficially friendly and chatty.  He had an encyclopedic knowledge of rock bands from the 70s and 80s and tended to use up much of his sessions talking about them in an avoidant strategy.  He reminded me of a 12-15 year old boy.  Jimmy had substance use problems but had no access to street drugs or alcohol as he lived in his 85-year-old mother’s basement. She took care of him. Despite my stern warnings about their dangers, he was committed to getting high and frequently snorted organic solvents.  Although he presented as a friendly guy, he had a dark side.  His mother was hospitalized for a week, and Jimmy quickly moved from the basement to the first floor, destroying much of the house over the seven days she was away.  In addition, he ran up his mom’s credit cards to their limits.  When his siblings found out, they kicked him out of his mom’s house.  How did Jimmy react?  He thought that he was treated unfairly and that his siblings were mean. At the same time, he asked his siblings to fund an apartment for him. They declined his request.

In these examples, none exhibited a psychiatric disorder, such as major depression, bipolar illness, psychosis, or significant anxiety, that warranted medication treatment. Two had substance abuse issues that added to their symptoms. Although most were happy to engage in sessions, their efforts represented more appeasement than actual work.  Generally, they were not confrontational and (at least initially) presented themselves as passive victims. Although some said they wanted more out of life, they were unwilling to do anything to make that happen. I often felt that they told me what they thought I wanted to hear to shut me up.  They said the right things, but their actions suggested otherwise.  None were treatment successes. 

Psychotherapy requires work on the part of the patient, and sometimes that work can be difficult.  These folks wanted more but did not want to work to change.  What was interesting was that, in some cases, it would have been just as easy to do the right thing, but they chose a path that led them in the opposite direction. For instance, it probably took more work for Joe to hide out instead of attending class, and Jimmy couldn’t explain why he destroyed his 85-year-old mother’s house—the woman who was providing him with food and shelter.

Why does this lifestyle exist, and why are the numbers increasing?  I can only speculate, but it is likely due to multiple reasons exacerbating common issues.

It is reasonable to believe that qualities like ambition and drive exist along a spectrum.  There are highly ambitious folks and those that are less so.  The same can be said of intelligence, whether we are talking about academic intelligence or social intelligence.  Likewise, we can say the same about dependency needs, social skills, self-confidence, a sense of entitlement, and other factors.  

It also must be accepted that many expectations placed on men are neither fulfilling nor rewarding. Many men work in jobs that can be mind-numbing or even degrading. They must deal with repetitive or dangerous tasks as they navigate ridiculous work policies and cruel supervisors.  

If you take several conditions from the preceding two paragraphs, you could imagine a scenario where it becomes easier to retreat from societal expectations.

Those situations have existed since the dawn of society, so why are we seeing a steady increase in these man-boys? This could be due to changes in society in general.

The recent blockbuster movie “Barbie” continually hammered home the idea of the patriarchy, the foundation of our society. The movie emphasized that this system promotes the domination and oppression of women.  I firmly believe that women should have the same rights as men, but I also believe that such a simplistic explanation is insufficient to define a society. Women have always held positions of power, and men often defer to women.  However, the 1960s brought a more rapid equalization that continues today. Two factors contributed to this change: equal rights and the birth control pill. More women had a chance to earn a living outside the home and were less bound by the social constraints of the past.  This allowed some men to become more dependent.  This was a good thing in some situations as some men could assume productive roles they were formally banned from.  However, it also allowed others to check out and allow their significant other to support them.

Recent times have brought an ever greater need for workers to be skilled and intelligent.  The media promotes glamorous jobs and fabulous lifestyles. High-paying, lower-skill jobs, such as unionized factory work, are disappearing.  The above can result in a “why bother” attitude.  This is especially the case since many of these individuals have found alternative ways to support their basic needs. 

There are some easy ways to experience an alternative reality that seem a better option than real life.  Drugs, video games, porn, and other outlets are widely available and can counterbalance the pressures of dealing with the real world.

Male-focused clubs and fraternal organizations are on the decline.  In the past, almost everyone belonged to a church or temple.  These groups had expectations for their members to be responsible citizens.  Men were taught to be the breadwinners and protectors. The power and influence of these large organizations is diminishing. 

The institution of marriage is on the decline. It was not that long ago that it was considered odd not to be married.  Fewer people are getting married for a variety of reasons.  Marriage provided social pressure for men to be productive. Men who are married are less likely to drop out of society.

Statistics demonstrate that men responsible for children are more likely to be productive.  We know that more individuals are choosing not to have children or are delaying having children. This presents a different problem for society but also contributes to dropouts.

More men are choosing an isolative lifestyle that doesn’t include women. Since 2008, the number of men under the age of 30 who are living celibate lives has tripled to almost 30 percent. These individuals do not have relational pressures to be responsible. 

Higher education costs have become astronomically high, creating an impossible barrier for some to overcome. Although ⅙th of men who drop out have a college degree, 5/6ths do not. 

The bottom line is that it has become easier to live a passive, unproductive life, and it has become harder to live a self-sufficient, contributing life. Depending on your personality, it is reasonable to drop out of society as many can figure out ways to fulfill their basic needs.  At the same time, they can find alternative reality options that numb any remnant desires to grow up. Drugs and alcohol have been long-term solutions.  However, many time-wasting activities are now available in the ever-expanding digital age.

Once a person drops out of society, re-entering becomes more difficult or impossible. It is well established that men who stop looking for work are much less likely ever to re-enter the workforce than unemployed men who are actively searching for a job. 

Our continued social and technological changes have allowed some men to remove themself from productive lives, and that number is escalating at a linear rate over time. Traditional techniques, like psychotherapy, seem less effective as many individuals are not invested in making change.  Additionally, no consistent governmental programs are designed to address this serious problem.  This is likely since these men live under the radar.  They are sitting on their couch connected to a video screen, not causing havoc in society. In some cases, tough love works; in others, it doesn’t.  Supporting family members are often angry and frustrated with these dropouts.  However, in many cases, they feel responsible for their well-being.  A feeling promoted by these individuals who often present themselves as the victim or at least helpless. 

Seven million men and growing.  A disaster that is happening right now and right before our eyes. A disaster that no one seems to be paying attention to.

Uncategorized

Handicapped Camping

In February 2024 this website crashed for no apparent reason. Despite using professionals at GoDaddy.com it was impossible to restore anything after October 2021 (over 100 posts). I do have many of those post in draft form (no final edit or photos) and I have decided to repost them in that manner. I apologize for typos and other errors. How do I feel about losing all of my original work? Life goes on.

When Julie had her surgery three months ago, we knew that the operation would severely impact the nerves in her right leg.  Although the neurosurgeon did a good job, those nerves were impacted, and it was unclear how well she would be able to walk. Weeks in a rehab hospital, plus ongoing outpatient physical therapy, have helped her.  However, I believe her determination has played an equal part in her recovery.  With that said, most of the time, she requires a stiff leg brace and a rollator/walker to get around.

Six weeks ago, my sister and her husband offered us their Labor Day weekend camping slot.  At that time, we weren’t sure if Julie could get into Violet the campervan as Violet’s chassis and seats were high.  Before we accepted their offer, we attempted to get Julie into the passenger seat.  She got in using a step stool, plus her pulling power and my pushing power. We accepted the camping slot and hoped for continued improvement.

DuPage County has beautiful forest preserves, walking paths, and parks.  Fifteen minutes from our front door is the county campground where we were going.  There, you feel like you are deep in the country even though DuPage County has nearly a million inhabitants. 

I love to camp in Violet the campervan.  Julie has camped with me, but she was always mobile.  This would be our first attempt camping with her wearing a brace and ambulating with a rollator.  As you can imagine, even the simple task of going to the bathroom could present impossible problems.

In addition, I had removed everything from my camper’s kitchen as my friend Tom is building me a new one.  That will likely be another post once it is completed.  However, I also had to reload some kitchenware to make the trip workable. 

I often camp alone and can do all the necessary tasks on a camping trip. When I travel with someone, I customize plans and buy special foods to make their trip enjoyable. For instance, when I camp with my son Will, I make elaborate dinners as I know he enjoys them.  Likewise, when I camped with Julie, I ensured I had what she liked to eat. Planning, shopping, and preparing takes quite a bit of time.  

I didn’t have it in me to do all of that this time, as I didn’t know the trip’s outcome. It could be possible that we would get to the campsite only to have to turn around. I had no idea how she would walk on grass and gravel roads. 

Instead of going out and buying food, I went with Julie at the start of the trip to buy simple microwave meals.  Violet has a little freezer compartment and a small microwave. If we had to turn back, I was sure the kids would happily eat our purchases.

We arrived at the campground and drove to site 40, a beautiful spot in the woods. Our first mission was to get Julie out of the Violet and into a camp chair.  Her rollator is designed for hard, smooth surfaces, and it was an effort for her to get from Violet to there. However, she succeeded.  I brought her a cool beverage, and she opened a novel.  However, I was still concerned about the rest of the weekend.

As I noted earlier, I’m comfortable doing most things when Julie camps with me, but that was not a good idea this time. My goal was to help when I knew that help was needed and be on alert at other times. Julie needed to see what she could do for herself.

Our first challenge was a trip to the bathroom, which was about a block and a half down a gravel road.  Normally, it is a simple task. However, the rollator’s small wheels were not designed for this type of terrain, and it was a slow process. Despite our lack of proper equipment, we made it there and back without a fall.  A triumphant success. 

Julie has camped with me enough times that she knows how to do many tasks, from turning the passenger seat into Violet’s cabin to powering up the AC inverter for the microwave. I let her do whatever she could, and she found ways to accomplish her goals. She was an asset on the trip and not another responsibility. 

Our first night was quiet, with food, books, and nature-watching. We discussed attempting a walk the next morning. I thought we would try walking a few blocks on the even-surfaced paved forest preserve road, but Julie had other ideas.  She wanted to hit a hiking trail. There are many hiking trails in the forest preserve where we were at.  Most are nicely maintained, but they do have some ups and downs.  I was familiar with one trail, the McKee Marsh trail, that is flat.  It is roughly 3 miles from the parking lot, around the marsh, and back to the car.  I knew that would be too far for Julie, so I started the mileage tracker on my Apple Watch.  Could we walk a mile?  We planned to walk half a mile in and then back, yielding a mile trip.  We knew the rollator wouldn’t work, so I pulled out my trekking poles, adjusted them to Julie’s shorter stature, and gave her a quick lesson in their use.  We started off.

It was a beautiful morning, and we were in a beautiful location.  People would pass us with a hello.  I think people were especially friendly as Julie’s brace was visible.  Some offered words of encouragement.  I kept warning Julie that we had gone past a half of a mile, then one mile, then a mile and a half.  She wanted to continue. By then, the only option was to complete the loop. We soldered on, and the trekking poles were a great success.  I couldn’t believe that we hiked 3 miles.  Julie could barely walk a few months ago. We rewarded ourselves with ice-cold Coke Zeros from Violet’s fridge.  A fantastic success.

If you have ever camped, you know that keeping your campsite neat and tidy is imperative.  Keeping things organized isn’t difficult, but it is a constant quest. Naturally, I did my thing, but I let Julie do hers, and she continued to help.

Our evening ended with a surprise visit from a friend, followed by a campfire.  I admit I’m not very good at starting campfires with damp wood.  I know I should split the wood to get at the dry insides, but I’m clumsy with an axe.  I got a fire going, but it was not the blaze I had hoped for.  Does anyone want to teach me my axe skills?… Warning: Keep your feet far away from me when I’m swinging. 

Our Monday started leisurely with me making some coffee.  I asked Julie if she wanted to try another hike, and she said she did. This time, we chose a path with more ups and downs- a big challenge when you have walking issues. We broke camp, drove to the parking lot outside the archery path, and started our journey.  It was clearly more difficult and pretty exhausting for Julie. We planned to walk a mile out and a mile back.  On the way back, Julie’s leg tired, and she had a few near falls.  However, the trekking poles saved the day, and she was able to turn potential crashes into simple missteps. In the end, our total distance was 2.25 miles. Julie had walked over 5 miles during our camping trip, which was amazing.

This trip taught us several things.  First, Julie could do many camp maintenance activities by modifying them.  She also improved at climbing into and out of Violet’s campervan. At times needing no assistance. However, the most impressive win was that we could hike on paths.  I don’t think it will be possible for her to hike on a traditional hiking trail; however, beautiful walking trails are everywhere, including National Parks.  This trip showed us that she could go on a more extensive camping trip and even do a little hiking.  Nothing would stop me from hiking more difficult trails independently, as I have been doing that for years.

The only significant problem I faced had more to do with my 6’3” bulky frame.  Violet’s bed is a tight fit for two.  I always take the edge of the bed, allowing me to hang my legs outside the bed when necessary.  This time, I felt I should give Julie that spot due to her mobility issue.  That meant I was stuck between her and the van’s back door. I could not stretch out completely; I could not hang my leg outside of the bed. This led to leg cramps and, even worse, a feeling of akathisia, or restless legs. I didn’t sleep well, and I’m not sure what to do in the future. I’m hoping that Julie will improve enough so that the next time, she will be able to take that inside position.  At 5’6”, she is more suited for it.  Otherwise, I’ll need to come up with a Plan B.

Our trip was a resounding success, well beyond my wildest expectations.  Kudos to Julie for all her hard work and amazing trail-blazing abilities.  

Uncategorized

Amazon

In February 2024 this website crashed for no apparent reason. Despite using professionals at GoDaddy.com it was impossible to restore anything after October 2021 (over 100 posts). I do have many of those post in draft form (no final edit or photos) and I have decided to repost them in that manner. I apologize for typos and other errors. How do I feel about losing all of my original work? Life goes on.

A while back, Amazon contacted me and asked me to become an official reviewer. I like comparing things, so I agreed.  Amazon selects items that may interest me. I can select or reject these items to review.  Sometimes their selections are spot on; at other times, they are so far off that I wonder if their computer is melting down. For instance, I have been offered breast pumps and African American hair extensions.  

Third-party sellers use this review program to get high-quality reviews of their products, as a single review can mean hundreds of sales. Based on this, most officially reviewed products should be expected to be good.  Why would someone want a bad review?  Despite this, I still will get an occasional clinker. 

Getting involved with the review process has educated me about some potential review scams from third-party sellers.  Below, I’ll list some of those impressions and my personal verdict on product categories that I have had the chance to examine.

It is estimated that at least 40% of reviews on Amazon are fake.  There are many ways to get fake reviews.  One common way to pay for a fake reviewer is to write a product review.  Some folks write reviews on products as a side hustle. For a few dollars, a product can get a 5-star review on a product the reviewer has never used.

Some fake reviewers will purchase a product and write a positive review.  They use their funds to buy the item, which the seller then refunds in exchange for cash and a free product.  The seller can get a “Verified Purchase” badge on their review.

There are large overseas organizations where a seller can buy a block of reviews or even have bad reviews removed.

In the past, it was easy to spot a fake review based on a lack of details or poor grammar.  This is getting harder as scammers now use AI-generated reviews, which can seem real.

There are other ways a seller can buy a “Verified Purchase” review, but those methods are beyond the scope of this post.

Another way to scam the customer is by updating the item’s product description.  They may sell a good product at a reasonable price.  When they have gained enough positive reviews, they will use the product update function on Amazon to change the product completely.  You can tell if this is the case by reading the original reviews.  Watch out if you bought a computer, but the original reviews were for a crockpot.

Sellers will pair items under the same listing. They may sell an inexpensive but high-quality charging cable and have an additional expensive but unrelated item in the same listing. Buyers may review the charging cable at 5-stars, and the overly expensive item will also seem highly rated.

Some sellers hire groups to trash another seller’s product to gain market share.

Naturally, Amazon is trying to eliminate these problems, but it is harder than you think.  As a consumer, your best option is to read a random sampling of the reviews to see if they are legit. 

Are there a bunch of reviews that use very similar language?  Caution advised.

Are there many reviews that all highlight the exact same points? Caution advised.

Are there reviews that consistently use very bad grammar?  Cautioned advised.

Are there reviews so generic that they could describe any item? Caution advised.

Does the product page list two unrelated products?  Caution advised.

Are the reviews clumped, many written during a short time period?  Cautioned advised.

Do the reviews talk about a completely different product?  Caution advised.

I like to look at the poor reviews on a product I’m considering purchasing and compare those poor reviews with the 5-star reviews.  Sometimes it is clear that the poor review was because the customer didn’t know what they were doing. Other times there are clear indications that the 5 -Star review is fake.  

At this time, I have reviewed hundreds of Amazon products and have come up with a few conclusions.  

Clothing items:  This category has been the most variable of all product categories.  At times I have discovered bargains.  I have reviewed many products that were as advertised. However, I have found many sub-par articles of clothing.  Common problems were that they were missized or poorly constructed.  I have also reviewed clothing where the material was of very poor quality. A greater concern has been products that initially seemed to be of good value but failed after moderate use.  I reviewed a winter coat that I liked.  However, the zipper became increasingly difficult to latch within a month or two. If the manufacturer had used a quality zipper, it would have been a great coat and a good value.  However, the crappy zipper significantly downgraded the product.

Linens, etc.:  Here, you get what you pay for, and sometimes a little more.  Cheap towels are cheap. More expensive ones are decent. Bedding is often constructed OK, but check out the dimensions. I have gotten quilts and blankets advertised for a king mattress that would be more suitable for a queen.

Electronics/Computers: I have been happy with many of these items.  However, if you buy an inexpensive item, don’t expect it to be premium.  You can get a mini-computer for a couple of hundred dollars which will work for simple computing. However, it won’t do high-demand tasks like video editing or gaming.

Kitchenware: I have been satisfied with many items I have reviewed.  I have tested many small appliances and other items, from plates to cookware.  If you read the description carefully, you will likely get what you have ordered. If you buy a set of pots and pans for $20, expect to get junk.  However, I have reviewed many off-brand items that were less expensive than the brand name that were as good. Many kitchen items are made in the same factories as the more expensive branded items. Your mileage may vary.  

Tools/Outdoor stuff: Many of these items are as described.  Cheap tools won’t be as good as branded ones, but they will do the job for a DIYer like me.  I would say the same for outdoor implements. 

Camping/Fun items: Most of the things I have reviewed were good.  

Items to consider avoiding:  These are not items that I have reviewed in my official capacity. Instead, they are items that I purchased over the years. Personally, I won’t buy cologne/perfume as I have gotten counterfeit items in the past. I would say the same about other popular branded/designer items.  

Final tips: 

An identical product may be sold under several different names at vastly different price points.  

Check the color choices of a product, as some colors will be significantly less expensive than others. 

Make sure you calculate the cost per ounce when buying consumable products.  You may find that the larger container is more expensive than the smaller container (which is counterintuitive).  

Caution, when a seller uses unfamiliar measurements to describe a product.  For instance, centimeters instead of inches. At times this is an honest mistake, but at other times it is used to confuse the customer.  

Sometimes a discontinued product will be ridiculously expensive, even when the updated product is cheaper.  

Sometimes a seller will sell an item at a cost many times its MSRP.  I’m unsure why; I’m guessing they hope someone will mindlessly click and buy.

Happy shopping!

Mike

Uncategorized

Hotel Walmart

In February 2024 this website crashed for no apparent reason. Despite using professionals at GoDaddy.com it was impossible to restore anything after October 2021 (over 100 posts). I do have many of those post in draft form (no final edit or photos) and I have decided to repost them in that manner. I apologize for typos and other errors. How do I feel about losing all of my original work? Life goes on.

Dear reader, you may recall my last post where my best-laid plans were foiled. I had problem solved how I could successfully sleep in Violet the campervan in sub-freezing temperatures. This was so I could offer a little help to my out-of-town daughter, who was recovering from surgery. I would assist her during the day and then retreat to Violet in the evening. All of these plans were upturned when my granddaughter became sick the night after I arrived. I wrote my last post with that theme in mind. Sometimes stuff happens, and you have to accept the outcome. We don’t have control over the universe.

To update you, my granddaughter did have COVID, but thankfully, her case was mild. In addition, the fact that I didn’t sleep in my daughter’s apartment reduced my exposure to her, and I didn’t contract the virus. So my planning did have a positive impact, just not the results that I expected. This leads me to today’s story, which takes place several weeks after the above incident. 

My daughter, Grace, needed a ride back to school after winter break. It is a 5 ½ hour drive from our home to her school. Add in refueling, bathroom and food stops, plus a grocery haul for Grace, and the entire adventure can easily last well over 12 hours. I have driven this route many times in the last four years, and it is exhausting. Julie will accompany me on some trips, and having a companion and co-driver for the return ride can ease this burden. However, it has gotten progressively more taxing for me to do the round trip solo as I have aged. Because of this, I decided to split the driving into two days and sleep overnight in Violet, the camper van. However, this would be challenging as the temperature was predicted to be 9F (-13C), the lowest temperature I had ever camped in.

My friend Ralph queried why I didn’t stay at a hotel. Indeed, I could book a hotel for about $120, but I didn’t want to. I like the idea of traveling with my things. If I want a cup of tea at midnight, I have it at the ready. If you know me, you understand that I love solving problems and enjoy coming up with solutions. I feel that any knowledge that I gain, no matter how trivial, is worthwhile and could be useful at some later date. Lastly, let’s not forget that I am secretly a 12-year-old boy hiding in an adult man’s body. The thought of urban stealth camping while battling the elements felt like an adventure in the making.

I had already worked out several cold-weather techniques during past winter trips, refining them to maximize their effectiveness. Utilizing various techniques allowed me to survive sleeping in Violet when the temperature was in the high 20s. Could I rework these ideas further to comfortably sleep in single digits?  

I like to conserve energy, so I had planned on only running my Webasto heater for a few hours before I went to bed. However, my friend Tom convinced me to run it continuously, which turned out to be a good idea. Listening to someone else’s opinion can sometimes give you a better perspective. 

In addition, I would close off the driver’s area from the rest of the cabin and put up an insulating panel on Violet’s sliding door window. I had my 12-volt electric blanket in place, and I added a quilt layer to my blanket set-up. Lastly, I would dress a bit warmer this time than my usual sleepwear.  

It was already dark when I pulled into the Walmart parking lot. After a few hours of activities, I settled down for the evening, pulled my covers over me, and switched on my 12-volt electric blanket’s timer to give me 90 minutes of high heat. I slept through the night comfortably and was not a bit cold. The experiment was a complete success.

If you have read this post to this point you may be thinking about why I am writing this? I’m writing this because it illustrates the complete opposite point of my last post, which was that you couldn’t control things. This post suggests that you can control things. You may be feeling that I am contradicting myself; however, that is not the case. It is comfortable to think that we live in a black and white world. This is wrong; that is right. I’m on the good side; you are on the bad side. Today, I would like to challenge that.

Yes, there are times that we have no control over situations, but we do at other times. With that said, most of life falls somewhere in between. If you take an absolute position, either way, you will be an unhappy camper (pun intended). 

You may not need to come up with solutions so you can sleep in a freezing camper, but you do have to come up with solutions for other issues daily. For example, if you are always short of cash by the end of the month, what things can you do to lessen that issue? If you are lonely, how can you gain meaningful relationships? What things will you have to modify, and what other changes will you need to adopt? Your efforts may yield a complete change or perhaps a partial benefit. Sometimes they will fail, but you can still learn from your failure as you launch your next solution. 

I spent much of my professional career working with people who wanted to do the same behavior repeatedly, but they somehow expected that they would achieve a different outcome. So it was not a simple matter of me highlighting their missteps, as they would often agree with me while continuing business as usual. 

Sometimes, a person would marry a dysfunctional person to correct their childhood traumas, for example, marrying a person similar to their mother with the hopes that they could correct that old relationship by fixing or controlling the new one. Sometimes a person would seek one inappropriate job after another similar job because each would promise them big commission money. However, they weren’t suited for that type of work which meant that they were unsuccessful and miserable. Sometimes, people would falsely think that they would feel better about themselves if they possessed a new thing or went on a fancy trip. Indeed, they may have had a moment of bragging joy, but that quickly faded as the reality of their life swopped back in. Unfortunately, their short buying high could be enough to continue their behavior, often leading them into credit card debt and more unhappiness.

The above examples are meant to be generic and general. However, such illogic impacts individuals on all levels. We are forever using old behaviors and defective logic that doesn’t suit our current needs.

Why not try a different approach?  

Instead of being a victim, empower yourself. This can be more difficult than you think, as it involves taking responsibility for your life rather than blaming others for your unhappiness. 

Learn from your past errors and correct them. If an action or choice resulted in a bad result, what makes you think that doing it again will result in a good one?  

Imagine yourself where you want to be instead of where you are. The more you see yourself this way, the more likely you will behave in a way to get you there.

Think about the common elements in repeating situations that did not go well. For example, do you always find friends who tend to use you? Are your kids always taking advantage of you? Are your bosses always abusive? If you see a trend, then admit that you are likely part of the problem. How can you change yourself, or how can you interact with others to be treated in the way you want to be treated? 

If you have dysfunction in your past, you will find that new dysfunctional relationships will feel comfortable. They will remind you of home. I would often tell patients who found themselves in bad relationships to run if they felt that they had known a new friend for years. The new person felt that way because they were likely a clone of former dysfunctional connections.

The above examples are relationship-based, but thinking solutions can also be applied to other problem areas in your life. Always short of cash? Write down every expense for a month and study the results. I had one patient who was constantly short of money. She said that she bought very few things and couldn’t understand why she couldn’t pay her bills. She was married with no children, and both her husband and she worked full-time jobs. Eventually, they wrote down their expenses for a month and discovered a huge cash outlay was because they ate every single meal out. Changing that one behavior not only relieved their money shortage but also allowed them to save money.

Examine life changes that partially worked and tweak them. My initial cold weather sleeping plans were somewhat successful. What eventually worked was based on multiple times sleeping in cold weather and the information I gathered from those events. In addition, I listened to the advice of a trusted friend. Using all of that data allowed me to develop a plan that let me comfortably sleep in a camper van at 9F. If my situation changes, I might have to rethink, readjust, and realign my solutions. Once you have something that works, you still need to be aware and observant. This is not only true when camping, but (of course) with life in general.  

No, we don’t have control over the universe, and we sometimes have to accept what life gives us. However, we can point ourselves in the right direction, and in doing so, the likelihood of having a good life is greatly increased. Growth is not only avoiding external negatives; it is also about challenging internal narratives that may be pushing us away from what we want in life.  

Please don’t mistake that happiness can be obtained by achieving a single objective. “I’ll be happy if I”m rich.” “I’ll be complete if I find the perfect partner.” “I’ll feel confident if I have an impressive job” People who choose such singular paths often feel depressed, cheated, and empty. 

Your life’s meaning may differ from mine, but I can assure you that it is not one of the above. Instead, explore your desires on a more fundamental level. Your efforts should be directed to move you in that direction rather than some singular quick-fix approach.

Peace

Mike`