In February 2024 this website crashed for no apparent reason. Despite using professionals at GoDaddy.com it was impossible to restore anything after October 2021 (over 100 posts). I do have many of those post in draft form (no final edit or photos) and I have decided to repost them in that manner. I apologize for typos and other errors. How do I feel about losing all of my original work? Life goes on.

I recently celebrated a birthday and was overwhelmed by the kind words and efforts of others. My family worked hard and made me a special birthday dinner.  Although my wife spearheaded the meal, the kids were more than casual participants. All were given significant jobs for the task at hand.  At dinner, everyone went around the table to say something nice about me.  This traditional act filled me with emotion.  That emotion was not the result of self-pride, rather it reflected the respect and love that I have for my children.  I truly feel that they are awesome individuals.

In my professional life, I have worked with many teens, young adults, and families.  I have witnessed some parents who have worked very hard to raise a child who has turned out badly.  Conversely, I have seen uninvolved parents who somehow have raised an amazing kid. A person is more than parental involvement.  Genetics, epigenetics, the influence of others, and the environment have a significant impact on one’s development. Additionally, sometimes it takes only a single event or interaction to have a good or bad impact on a person. However, the more you stack the cards in your favor the more likely you will have the outcome that you desire.

Are my kids perfect? No.  Are we perfect parents? No.  We did the best that we could, but we did so in a thoughtful manner.  If a person wants an advanced degree or even if they want to learn how to bake a cake they have to approach the topic with thought, planning, effort, and revision.  Why is it that we think that we are supposed to intuitively know how to do one of the most complicated tasks ever, raising a child?

I thought I would share some of my thoughts on child-rearing.  Do with them what you will.

I believe that the goal of a parent is to help a child become a successful adult.  However, I define success differently than most.  I feel that a successful adult is a person who can reasonably support themselves. A successful adult can form healthy relationships with others at a level that is suitable for them. A successful adult feels whole. A successful adult has a sense of purpose.  A successful adult has empathy for others.  A successful adult accepts others based on who they are rather than some narrow superficial categorization.  A successful adult can achieve reasonable life goals.  A successful adult is kind.  A successful adult has enough self-esteem to have a sense of self. A successful adult has healthy self-respect but also respects others.

I don’t define success on typical markers, such as salary, net worth, job title, or possessions.  Further, I don’t define it based on a number of vacations or life experiences.  There is nothing wrong with these things, but I have witnessed many who seem to have all of life’s trappings but are miserable, selfish, and disconnected.  

What can you do to promote a child to become a successful adult?

Love them

Each child is unique.  Love them for who they are.  It is OK to be upset or even mad when a child deserves it.  Bad actions deserve consequences. However, it is unacceptable to withhold love to punish someone.  

Teach them

An individual has to be competent to successfully navigate life.  We all need basic skills to function.  My wife and I have worked hard to ensure that our kids know how to clean a toilet, do laundry, budget their money, and cook a real meal from basic ingredients. Additionally, they have been encouraged to approach these tasks thoughtfully.  For instance, if you clean as you go you have very little mess after you cook a meal.  This makes it more likely that you will cook food the next time instead of using DoorDash. Mostly, our kids make their morning coffee and pack their lunches. They feel comfortable doing these routine tasks. 

Teach your children to be flexible

There are many examples that I could give, but let’s stay on the food theme.  My kids help with meal prep and are responsible for making one of our weekly dinners. They can request that I buy certain food items, but they are more likely to prepare food from our larder. Because of this, they need to think outside of the box and substitute items.  Flexibility and adaptiveness are key elements of being a successful adult.

Provide needs but not all want

We all have genuine needs, some generic, and others specific to our life situation.  If possible, needs should be supplied without questions.  However, we also have wants, some of which we falsely believe are needs.  It is reasonable to supply wants, but only to a degree.  When our kids reached an age where they needed cell phones they received reconditioned older models.  When they got older and showed that they were responsible I provided them with the money for a basic iPhone.  If they wanted to upgrade it they could, but on their dime.  Could I have given them a phone with all of the bells and whistles?  Probably, but their phones held much more value to them because of their involvement.  It is common for me to pay for part of a want, it is also common for me to allow them to save for a want. Such an approach separates a person from the “On Demand”  easy credit rhetoric so prevalent and damaging in our society.

Protect them, but allow skinned knees

I would never place my children in danger and would do anything within my power to ensure that they are safe.  However, one of the biggest mistakes that I see in rearing a child is to ensure that they never have a consequence.  We all screw up, and when we do we should deal with the result.  When parents fix everything for their kids they produce reckless and inconsiderate adults.

Money is not god

We all need money, and the goal of any adult is to have enough money to live comfortably.  However, many believe that money is the road to happiness.  I’m here to say that is not the case.  I can’t tell you how many very wealthy and very unhappy people I have treated in my life.  I have emphasized to my kids that they need to make at least enough money to live independently.  More is fine too, but it should never be their sole focus.

Focus on connection with others

We all have different needs.  Some need many connections, others need only a few.  Some need intense connections, while others are OK with more superficial ones.  However, most need some sort of connection with others.  

Focus on empathy

Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. If you want to have real connections with others you need to connect with them on this level.  Note that empathy is very different from codependency. Codependency is not a good thing.

Focus on compassion

This is the genuine concern for the suffering of others and is different from empathy.

Focus on kindness

In my book, this is the most important quality for any person.  Kindness is not a weakness, it is a sign of great strength. It is the willingness to be generous and considerate of others.  I want my kids to be kind, and I want them to choose kind friends.

Focus on reasonable self-respect

We should all have a sense of our intrinsic worth.  I’m not talking about an inflated sense of self.  Self-worth allows us to deal with the jerks that we are sure to encounter in life.  It helps us achieve our goals and guides us to healthy friendships and life partners.

Show by example

Have you ever witnessed a parent tell a kid to act in one way when they are doing the opposite?  Don’t be that parent.

Focus on giving back

Our kids were involved in many different volunteer opportunities when they were growing up.  This fosters an appreciation for others who are different, as well as an appreciation for the life that they have been given.

Life is not a popularity contest

Some parents want to relive their youth by ensuring that their kids are in the popular crowd.  This is often a terrible place to be as those kids frequently have to sell their souls and compromise their values to stay included.  It is much better to teach your kids to be kind and friendly to everyone.  

Consider activities

I don’t believe in over-programming your kids.  However, involvement with outside groups and activities can help with building teamwork as well as providing many other benefits. There are many ways to do this.  Our kids took music lessons which gave them additional skills and fostered patience and hard work.  Consider the many options out there from sports to clubs.  

Allow them to have some free time

It is possible to provide your child with so many activities that they have no downtime or playtime.  This can result in individuals who have problems structuring any time as adults. Balance in everything!

Your child is important, but they are not the center of the universe

If you are a good parent you try to do right by your kids.  However, I have seen parents become so focused on their kids that they lose their relationships in the process.  Your kids do not have to belong to every club or activity.  They don’t have to go on every trip.  Balance!

It is OK to say no

Parenting is not a popularity contest.  Many kids want their parents to set appropriate limits. It makes them feel safe.  However, “no” like “yes” should be used with thought and moderation.

It is OK to compromise

Listen to your kids and their opinions.  If you approach parenting as “It is my way or the highway,” you will be doing everyone a disservice.  

Foster  purpose

A life of stuff without purpose is very empty. We all need some sort of purpose that is fulfilling.  That purpose is different from individual to individual and can change over time.  If a person wants to change the world, great.  However, many purposes are much more mundane.  Still, they are equally valid and beneficial.

Christmas is special because it’s Christmas

Extend this to any special event.  If you had Christmas every day it would be pretty boring.  You don’t have to be a Disney dad or mom.

Guide, but don’t control

As parents, we have a wealth of knowledge that we have gained over time.  Find ways to share that knowledge with your kids, but it is not your job to control them into what you think they should be.  The former is good parenting, the latter is narcissism.  

Tell them when they are out of line, but avoid shame and guilt

This one is pretty self-explanatory.  I have no problem telling my kids when they have screwed up.  However, I don’t try to control their behavior with shame or guilt.

Praise them for their successes, but avoid participation awards

Our children should receive praise for their successes.  However, we live in a world where kids are given awards just for showing up.  That is BS and breeds a false sense of self.

Don’t pit one kid against another to achieve a goal.

Also self explanatory  How many parents compare one of their kids with another?  Each kid is unique.  Don’t be an a-hole parent.

Realize that it is their life, not yours.

Our children may choose a path different from what WE would want them to do.  However, it is their life and their choice.  That is not to say that we shouldn’t offer our opinion when they are making an extremely poor decision. With that said, the best advice is the advice that is asked for by the individual.   The path that a 5-year-old wants should have more parental intervention than the path of a 21-year-old.

Introduce spirituality

I am not here to tell you to raise your child in a particular religion.  However, children need to realize that they are just a small part of the bigger picture. Spirituality can encompass anything from attending a church to connecting with and respecting nature.

Consider frugality

We live in a consumer world that pushes stuff over substance.  That drive often results in debt.  Debt breeds anxiety, fear, and insecurity.  Teach your children to live with less, and to treat their possessions with care.

Teach rationality

Kids are constantly influenced by others who want to sell them something or manipulate them.  All of our kids graduated from college and they all have (or will have) multiple degrees.  They are gifted and had many college options.  Very prestigious colleges wanted them but offered no incentives.  Very good colleges were willing to fund their educations to get them to attend (as their scores improved the overall admission ratings of those colleges). We explored these choices rationally with our kids and they opted to go with the schools that wanted them so much that they were willing to pay for it. We did this with logic, statistics, and other methods.  We didn’t focus on BS reasons like “the college experience” or our own narcissistic need to have our kids attend a university that would give us bragging rights. Getting your kids to think rationally is giving them a superpower.

If your parenting style isn’t working, try plan B

One lay definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing while expecting a different outcome.  If your style of parenting isn’t working it is time to stop, think, and possibly seek outside intervention.

Be a parent tag-team

Kids like to split parents and some parents willingly participate in this destructive action.  There always is flexibility in good parenting.  However, if both parents are on board for the greater good everyone benefits.

Teach your children respect for everything

From your pet poodle to Mother Nature.

Have fun

Parenting is hard work, but it should have elements of fun.  Be silly, do fun things, and be spontaneous.  If you are having fun, so are they. It feels good to laugh with your kids!

You are always their parent…but

Our adult children may make choices that we may not agree with.  Remember, that they are adults. Also, remember that their poor choices are not our responsibility.

Peace

Mike