Tag Archives: #parenting

fear of parenting, parenting, Uncategorized

A Boys’ Only Night, And A Little About Parenting

Parenting is such a strange business.  It is probably the most important thing most humans do, yet it receives the least amount of training. 

When I was younger, I never wanted to have children, as I had been told that kids were a burden, an expense, a disappointment, and they caused problems in marriages. To be honest, I was a great disappointment as a child, and I can’t blame my father for my genuine shortcomings. 

I was a “surprise” seven years after he already had his perfect family of four. I didn’t give him much to brag about.  I was a huge kid, perfect for football.  However, I was clumsy, horribly coordinated, and blind in one eye, making it impossible for me to even catch a ball. He told me he loved me, but his actions demonstrated a different reality.  I’m not here to crap on my father.  He provided me with food and shelter.  He did the best he could; he was just done parenting by the time that I came along.

My head was always in the clouds, always thinking, always solving problems, always exploring scenarios. Mr. Wizard on TV became my virtual dad and hero, and teachers became my cheerleaders. However, the overall message was clear to me. Kids are problems; don’t have them.

I have always wondered how things work, why things work, and how I could modify things to do other things. A weird kid, I know.

That all changed with the birth of my first daughter, Anne.  How could anyone not love that beautiful baby? I realized that my fear of having children was based more on my fear of being a father.  I was a poor-quality son, and somehow that meant that I would be a poor-quality parent. I was terrified that I didn’t have the skills to do the job. I was afraid that I would be an inadequate dad.  How could I teach my child sports when I was so awful at them myself? Isn’t that strange? I focused on the one thing I was terrible at and framed it as the sole necessary ingredient for fatherhood. 

Sometimes marriages are mismatches, and that was the case with my first marriage. We divorced, but I made a commitment to do the best that I could to be a good dad to my daughter. I assumed that she would be my only child. Note to self: never make assumptions.

I dated a number of wonderful women during the years that I was single. I genuinely liked them, but I can’t say that I loved them. I committed to myself that I would not marry again unless I was sure.  This eventually led to the certainty that I would live a single life. Over time, I stopped dating altogether; then I didn’t.

I met my wife by chance, and we hit it off. At the time, she was in the process of earning her PhD, and I was already a medical doctor. We married, but held off having children until she was near the end of her schooling.  She was healthy, and I already had a child, so we were certain that getting pregnant would be a walk in the park. It wasn’t. Pills, shots, procedures- we did it all. Finally, a procedure called IUI was advised. It worked, and we had our first child together, a daughter.  A few years later, we followed the same protocol and had our second daughter together. I was certain that we were done, but we were surprised by a bonus baby, a son whom we named William. 

By then, I knew I couldn’t be a perfect parent, since no perfect parent existed.  All I could be was me.  However, I could be an intentional parent.  But what was my goal?  My objective in parenting?  It was simple.  It was my responsibility to raise my children to be successful adults.  That was it, one goal, one mission. You may have your own idea of what successful means.  Perhaps it involves a title, a job description, or a salary. In other words, something tangible.  That was not my definition.  For me, it meant they would be able to support themselves financially.  That they had the tools and education to accomplish what they wanted to do.  That they were critical thinkers and not sheep.  That they had healthy self-esteem and faith in themselves, but not the false self-esteem created by the idea that everyone gets a participation award. That they had the life skills to function as an adult, and that they were kind and compassionate human beings who realized how fortunate they were and how some others were not. It was their responsibility to use their gifts and abilities to move the world in a positive direction, even if that movement would be minuscule. 

Of all, being kind was the most important.  When I was young, adults would remark how kind I was.  I was never a tough kid the way a boy “should” be. I worried about others, I could sense their distress, I wanted to help them. I saw my kindness as a great weakness, a flaw. Another imperfection that made me different. However, I came to realize that it was one of my great strengths. Treating others with respect opens the world, and the act itself makes the planet a better place for all. 

How did I accomplish my parenting goal?  I tried to be a good parent.  I tried to be reliable. I admitted to them when I didn’t know something. I taught them what I knew.  How to cook, how to fix things, how to camp, how to see the wonderment that is all around us, how to be grateful. How to be creative, how to critically examine information, how to be kind, how to give back, how to love, how to respect, how to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, and so on.

I let them know how much they were loved, but I also had expectations for them.  Those were not expectations to make me look good, they were expectations to use the gifts that they were given to their fullest. This is what I could do for them; it would have to be enough.

I have a deep, never-ending love for all four of my children and savor the times when we can all be together.  Those events bring me joy. However, I also love those rarer situations when I can spend time with just one of them.  Each child is a bit different, yet amazing in their own regard.

My son is the only child still at home.  He is constantly busy with his social life and pursuit of a PhD. My wife works some evenings, and these are often times when William and I spend some time together. We will make dinner together and sit down and talk. The worm has turned, and he is more up to date on scientific theory and procedure than I am, but I’m still capable of contributing to the conversation. At other times, we may talk about world events, my life, his life, or even his friends.  I’m interested in their lives, too, as they move into adulthood and follow so many different paths. 

My son is smart, actually very smart, and approaches complex topics with a relaxed ease.  He is a social creature who easily makes friends, so he always has a story to tell of an adventure or to relate. Most importantly, he is kind.  I can’t think of a time when he was deliberately mean to another person.  He treats people with respect, and he treats me with respect.  I do the same to him, as he is no longer the kid I taught to fix an outside faucet or cook a steak over an open campfire. 

A few months ago, he wanted me to watch one of his favorite movies, “Dune.” We did this to our mutual enjoyment, and at the end we decided to continue the franchise by watching “Dune Part 2.”  Life got in the way, and that never happened.  The other day, at dinner, William said, “Dad, if we don’t schedule “Dune 2,” we will never watch it.  I agreed and pulled out my calendar.  We would do it the following Tuesday, as Julie would be working that evening and we could have a boys’ night. Naturally, it would involve food, a menu suitable for such an occasion.

On Monday I went to Aldi and picked up some brats, buns, potato salad, a can of pork and beans, and some chips.  I couldn’t find sauerkraut for the brats, but Julie kindly stopped by the little store around the corner from her office to pick some up for the event. We were all set.

Aldi only had this enormous box of brats. If I made six, we would have enough for dinner, Julie, and even the next day’s lunch. What to do with the other six?

Yep, I had to make a plug for using a vacuum sealer. The other six are safe and sound in the freezer for another day.

The day before, William suggested that I crack open the bottle of Angel’s Envy bourbon that he gave me for Father’s Day. Dear reader, I’m not much of a drinker.  In fact, I’m a lightweight when it comes to any alcohol.  However, I do like a rare shot of bourbon on occasion. A few years back, Julie and I were trying to salvage a vacation and spontaneously decided to travel Kentucky’s bourbon trail. It was there that I discovered Angel’s Envy and its silky smooth delivery. Julie bought a bottle, but I never remembered to replace it when it finally emptied. Ever listening, William remembered this and thought it would be a nice Father’s Day gift. Sort of an adult son to his “old man” Father’s Day present. 

William worked from home on Tuesday as he was learning a piece of software that analyzes gene sequences.  By 5 PM, he was done for the day, and the two of us set about the task of making dinner.  Into a pot went the brats.  Out from the fridge came the potato salad; into another pot went the pork and beans, which I added some mustard, catsup, maple syrup, and bacon bits. The table was set with paper plates, and dinner was served. Conversation followed as we talked about our day.

I like to par-cook the brats before putting them on the grill. This pot has a can of beer, water, and some onion flakes. Real onion would work too. The trick is to only simmer the brats (do not boil) for around 20 minutes. At that point, they will be fully cooked and ready to crisp on the grill.

On the grill, they went to brown up.

My mom always “doctored up” canned pork and beans. I do the same with a little mustard, catsup, maple syrup (or brown sugar), and bacon. Yum!

A perfect guy’s dinner. Brats with mustard and sauerkraut. Beans, potato salad, and chips. Of course, we served it on a paper plate. Who wants to wash more dishes than they have to?

We worked together to clean up and then had a short break before we started the movie.  I poured a couple of shots of Angel’s Envy for the big event.  It felt strange pouring a drink for my son, but he is 25 and no longer a kid.  To be clear, we had one drink each.  It felt more ceremonial rather than anything else.

We each had one shot of Angle’s Envy. It was more ceremonial than anything else.

It had been months since we had seen “Dune 1” so William filled me in on the story as I already had forgotten large portions of it.  “Dune 2” is a long movie, at times slow moving, yet engaging.  Since it was only the two of us we were free to banter as he reminded me of the various roles and motives of the characters. For sure, it was an enjoyable evening.

In this commercialized world we are told that the best parents offload parenting by sending their kids to classes and summer camps.  Every child must go to Disneyland, fly in a plane, have  catered birthday parties, wear designer clothing.  Honestly, I think that all of that is BS.  A child should spend time with their parents.  Parents should teach their children how to act, how to critically think, how to celebrate life.  Time with you kids doesn’t have to involve the use of a platinum credit card.  Playing a game, going on a hike or bike ride, critically examining a news story.  For me, those activities are more valuable.

As a child I learned that children were a burden.  As an adult, I discovered that they were a joy.  Kids are not a bonus designed to make parents look good.  They do require quite a bit of time, effort, and money.  Isn’t that the case with many things that we deem valuable? 

My evening with William may seem ordinary to you, but for me it was priceless. As he ages there will be less of these special times, but it is my hope that there will be some.

Peace

Mike

A photo of William and me from a father/son camping trip that we took a year or two ago.

family, Family relationships, family traditions, Family Vacations, spending time with family

On Father, On Son

I didn’t want to have children, and why would I? There was absolutely no benefit to having kids. I was repeatedly told this, and so I believed it. I had been fed the message that children were long-term burdens and expensive troublemakers who caused their parents to argue. I’m presenting the sanitized version here, but you get the picture. 

Those feelings did a 180 at age 30 with the birth of my first child.  My heart filled with a love that I never felt before—a love without bounds, a pure love that wasn’t contingent.  My marriage ended in divorce, and I became a weekend dad. However, my love and commitment to my daughter continued.

Others said that I was a kind person, but I never allowed myself to love someone unconditionally before then. I always protected my feelings, always held back, and always evaluated and re-evaluated the situation. With the birth of my daughter, I realized what I was missing. By loving someone unconditionally, I became aware of the true power of love and also became open to receiving that love. I have never regretted those changes. They have allowed me to become a whole person.

Eventually, I remarried, and when we decided to have children, there was no question that I was all in.  However, Mother Nature had other plans.   A year of seriously trying and months of fertility work followed before we conceived our daughter.  Two years later, we had our second daughter (my third child), and our family seemed complete.

Mother Nature turned the tables on us again and surprised us with a third (my fourth) child, a boy. I didn’t realize what new concerns a boy would bring me.

You may remember from previous posts that I had a number of challenges growing up, which included a childhood where I wasn’t valued much by my dad.  I also had significant central processing issues that went beyond dyslexia. 

In school, teachers reached out to me and encouraged my academic abilities.  This gave me the confidence to move forward and to come up with solutions to my brain’s shortcomings. I have a natural ease in learning, and complex topics are not difficult for me to master.  I have been gifted with an above-average problem-solving ability.  Combine these factors with a bit of teacher encouragement plus my refusal to allow others to define me, and you have a formula that allowed me to do well both academically and professionally.

However, I am still flawed, and those flaws are especially evident in one aspect of my life: my poor athletic abilities.  I understand why this is the case; let me share that information with you.

I have little natural athletic ability.  I grew over a foot in less than a year, which increased my clumsiness and poor coordination.  Additionally, I’m blind in my left eye, so I have no depth perception. In the correct environment, I could have overcome these issues somewhat.  Unlike the teachers who gave me academic confidence, I can’t remember any time when my father tossed a ball to me or positively encouraged me to improve. I was just criticized for my lack of sporty ability.

Regarding book learning and problem-solving, I had natural abilities that I could use to counter any criticism.  However, when it came to sports, my only path to improvement was through encouragement followed by practice.  Lacking encouragement, I didn’t practice. 

I was acutely aware of my clumsiness.  My point of comparison was the best athletes in my class, and it was clear that I fell far short of their abilities. I couldn’t throw a ball as far, and my lack of depth perception made it impossible for me to successfully catch anything smaller than a basketball.  I had a fear that I threw a ball “like a girl”  (forgive this misogyny; this was in the 1960s). I don’t know if that was the case, but I avoided sporty interactions as I already felt different from the crowd.

Let’s face it: a grade school kid obsessed with how the universe works is not normal.  I was comfortable rewiring  broken radios into new electronic devices in the 3rd grade. I built a successful chicken-hatching incubator out of lightbulbs and laundry baskets in 6th grade. None of my peers were doing that, certainly not on their own. I wanted to fit in with my classmates.  I could do my projects in private, but one can only be so odd.  I avoided sports, an area where everyone could see I was atypical.

Despite my fears, I don’t recall ever being the focus of ridicule from my classmates.  I had friends, and people seemed to like me.  I think my feelings were internally based as another one of my strengths, as well as one of my curses, is to overanalyze things.  However, I was what I was (poor English, I know). 

Now, at 48, I was about to have a son.  Knowing that we were having a boy filled me with intense excitement and fear.  Could I even raise a boy?  Did I have the ability to do so? I couldn’t train myself and become an athlete overnight; I felt I needed to correct all the wrongs I experienced as a child by becoming a coach as much as a father.  However,  I couldn’t do that. I could never be a perfect “Leave it to Beaver” dad. Would I be a failure as a father to my son?

I came to realize that I didn’t have to be the perfect dad.  Just like with raising my daughters, effort was more important than mastery.  The most important things were to love my son unconditionally, accept him for who he was, and encourage him to be the best he could be.

I couldn’t teach him the best way to pitch a baseball, but I could invest in him in countless other ways.  I could educate him in logic, expose him to the wonder of science and deduction, show him how to fix things around the house, emphasize creativity, teach him technology, give him basic life skills like cooking, build his self-esteem and confidence, and focus him on becoming kind and compassionate.  These were the things that I could offer him.  That was the best that I could do. That’s what I tried to do.

My son is not me; he is his own unique person. He has many of my characteristics, but he also has his own abilities.  He has the confidence to pursue athletics and has enjoyed the camaraderie of team sports.  He excels in science and will start graduate school studying evolutionary genetics this fall. He is creative and already plays the piano, trombone, and guitar.  Now, he is learning the drums. Most importantly, he is a kind and compassionate person.  I am incredibly proud of him.

Do you know what?  My son loves and values me. He enjoys spending time with me.  We share deep conversations. He helps me with projects.  We cook meals together.  We complement each other.  All of this, even though I wasn’t a sporty dad.

I love the outdoors, especially hiking and camping. I have gone on a number of short camping trips exclusively with my son. I wanted to go on a longer one after he graduated college, but would he be interested in being seen with his old (and I mean old) dad? The answer was yes. We talked about the trip for months and spent time planning it together. We shopped for groceries and packed Violet the camper van. We were both excited about our upcoming adventure.

Our trip was an exercise in teamwork.  We worked together to plan the day’s adventures and to keep Violet the camper van in ship shape. We cooked, explored, hiked, and talked together… and talked…and talked. Some evenings we watched movies.  He picked movies that meant something to him, and I did the same.  My little boy is no longer a little boy.  He has his thoughts and dreams for the future.  Some are similar to mine; others are different.  That is the way it should be.  However, it was clear how much we loved and respected each other.  And it was clear how much we valued our time together. I don’t know what the future holds, but I am so glad I have the present.

If a new father were to ask me what they should do to be a good parent, I would tell them the following:

Don’t…

-Give your child everything without having them work for some things.

-Fix all of their problems.

-Teach them that they are better than everyone else.

-Excuse their lousy behavior.

-Try to force them into the life that you wanted for yourself.

-Try to control every aspect of who they are.

-Fight all of their battles for them.

Do…

-Love them unconditionally.

-Give them reasonable consequences when they screw up.

-Allow them to “skin their knees” while protecting them from significant falls.

-Let them know that they are valued just for who they are.

-Teach them what you know.

-Encourage them to be the best that they can be.

-Encourage them to be creative.

-Focus on compassion and kindness towards others.

-Be honest about your limitations.

-Admit when you are wrong.

-Respect their reasonable opinions.

-Accept that they need to be their own person.

-Encourage conversation, but avoid making monologues.

Oh, and did I say that you should love them unconditionally?  I guess I did, but it is worth repeating it. Your kids know when you have their best interests in mind, even when they say the opposite.  They will accept you for who you are, warts and all, if they understand that you are doing your best. When you are less than perfect, you allow them the same privilege.  That is a good thing.

Mike

On this hike we discovered two waterfalls.
We thought it would be funny to get matching shirts and then send a photo back home to the family.
Once during every father/son camping trip we make cheap steaks on an open campfire. Somehow the method makes them delicious!
Our last morning. Getting ready to pack up and head home.
There are no free lunches. We both took turns cleaning Violet the camper van after the trip.
Uncategorized

On Parenting

In February 2024 this website crashed for no apparent reason. Despite using professionals at GoDaddy.com it was impossible to restore anything after October 2021 (over 100 posts). I do have many of those post in draft form (no final edit or photos) and I have decided to repost them in that manner. I apologize for typos and other errors. How do I feel about losing all of my original work? Life goes on.

I recently celebrated a birthday and was overwhelmed by the kind words and efforts of others. My family worked hard and made me a special birthday dinner.  Although my wife spearheaded the meal, the kids were more than casual participants. All were given significant jobs for the task at hand.  At dinner, everyone went around the table to say something nice about me.  This traditional act filled me with emotion.  That emotion was not the result of self-pride, rather it reflected the respect and love that I have for my children.  I truly feel that they are awesome individuals.

In my professional life, I have worked with many teens, young adults, and families.  I have witnessed some parents who have worked very hard to raise a child who has turned out badly.  Conversely, I have seen uninvolved parents who somehow have raised an amazing kid. A person is more than parental involvement.  Genetics, epigenetics, the influence of others, and the environment have a significant impact on one’s development. Additionally, sometimes it takes only a single event or interaction to have a good or bad impact on a person. However, the more you stack the cards in your favor the more likely you will have the outcome that you desire.

Are my kids perfect? No.  Are we perfect parents? No.  We did the best that we could, but we did so in a thoughtful manner.  If a person wants an advanced degree or even if they want to learn how to bake a cake they have to approach the topic with thought, planning, effort, and revision.  Why is it that we think that we are supposed to intuitively know how to do one of the most complicated tasks ever, raising a child?

I thought I would share some of my thoughts on child-rearing.  Do with them what you will.

I believe that the goal of a parent is to help a child become a successful adult.  However, I define success differently than most.  I feel that a successful adult is a person who can reasonably support themselves. A successful adult can form healthy relationships with others at a level that is suitable for them. A successful adult feels whole. A successful adult has a sense of purpose.  A successful adult has empathy for others.  A successful adult accepts others based on who they are rather than some narrow superficial categorization.  A successful adult can achieve reasonable life goals.  A successful adult is kind.  A successful adult has enough self-esteem to have a sense of self. A successful adult has healthy self-respect but also respects others.

I don’t define success on typical markers, such as salary, net worth, job title, or possessions.  Further, I don’t define it based on a number of vacations or life experiences.  There is nothing wrong with these things, but I have witnessed many who seem to have all of life’s trappings but are miserable, selfish, and disconnected.  

What can you do to promote a child to become a successful adult?

Love them

Each child is unique.  Love them for who they are.  It is OK to be upset or even mad when a child deserves it.  Bad actions deserve consequences. However, it is unacceptable to withhold love to punish someone.  

Teach them

An individual has to be competent to successfully navigate life.  We all need basic skills to function.  My wife and I have worked hard to ensure that our kids know how to clean a toilet, do laundry, budget their money, and cook a real meal from basic ingredients. Additionally, they have been encouraged to approach these tasks thoughtfully.  For instance, if you clean as you go you have very little mess after you cook a meal.  This makes it more likely that you will cook food the next time instead of using DoorDash. Mostly, our kids make their morning coffee and pack their lunches. They feel comfortable doing these routine tasks. 

Teach your children to be flexible

There are many examples that I could give, but let’s stay on the food theme.  My kids help with meal prep and are responsible for making one of our weekly dinners. They can request that I buy certain food items, but they are more likely to prepare food from our larder. Because of this, they need to think outside of the box and substitute items.  Flexibility and adaptiveness are key elements of being a successful adult.

Provide needs but not all want

We all have genuine needs, some generic, and others specific to our life situation.  If possible, needs should be supplied without questions.  However, we also have wants, some of which we falsely believe are needs.  It is reasonable to supply wants, but only to a degree.  When our kids reached an age where they needed cell phones they received reconditioned older models.  When they got older and showed that they were responsible I provided them with the money for a basic iPhone.  If they wanted to upgrade it they could, but on their dime.  Could I have given them a phone with all of the bells and whistles?  Probably, but their phones held much more value to them because of their involvement.  It is common for me to pay for part of a want, it is also common for me to allow them to save for a want. Such an approach separates a person from the “On Demand”  easy credit rhetoric so prevalent and damaging in our society.

Protect them, but allow skinned knees

I would never place my children in danger and would do anything within my power to ensure that they are safe.  However, one of the biggest mistakes that I see in rearing a child is to ensure that they never have a consequence.  We all screw up, and when we do we should deal with the result.  When parents fix everything for their kids they produce reckless and inconsiderate adults.

Money is not god

We all need money, and the goal of any adult is to have enough money to live comfortably.  However, many believe that money is the road to happiness.  I’m here to say that is not the case.  I can’t tell you how many very wealthy and very unhappy people I have treated in my life.  I have emphasized to my kids that they need to make at least enough money to live independently.  More is fine too, but it should never be their sole focus.

Focus on connection with others

We all have different needs.  Some need many connections, others need only a few.  Some need intense connections, while others are OK with more superficial ones.  However, most need some sort of connection with others.  

Focus on empathy

Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. If you want to have real connections with others you need to connect with them on this level.  Note that empathy is very different from codependency. Codependency is not a good thing.

Focus on compassion

This is the genuine concern for the suffering of others and is different from empathy.

Focus on kindness

In my book, this is the most important quality for any person.  Kindness is not a weakness, it is a sign of great strength. It is the willingness to be generous and considerate of others.  I want my kids to be kind, and I want them to choose kind friends.

Focus on reasonable self-respect

We should all have a sense of our intrinsic worth.  I’m not talking about an inflated sense of self.  Self-worth allows us to deal with the jerks that we are sure to encounter in life.  It helps us achieve our goals and guides us to healthy friendships and life partners.

Show by example

Have you ever witnessed a parent tell a kid to act in one way when they are doing the opposite?  Don’t be that parent.

Focus on giving back

Our kids were involved in many different volunteer opportunities when they were growing up.  This fosters an appreciation for others who are different, as well as an appreciation for the life that they have been given.

Life is not a popularity contest

Some parents want to relive their youth by ensuring that their kids are in the popular crowd.  This is often a terrible place to be as those kids frequently have to sell their souls and compromise their values to stay included.  It is much better to teach your kids to be kind and friendly to everyone.  

Consider activities

I don’t believe in over-programming your kids.  However, involvement with outside groups and activities can help with building teamwork as well as providing many other benefits. There are many ways to do this.  Our kids took music lessons which gave them additional skills and fostered patience and hard work.  Consider the many options out there from sports to clubs.  

Allow them to have some free time

It is possible to provide your child with so many activities that they have no downtime or playtime.  This can result in individuals who have problems structuring any time as adults. Balance in everything!

Your child is important, but they are not the center of the universe

If you are a good parent you try to do right by your kids.  However, I have seen parents become so focused on their kids that they lose their relationships in the process.  Your kids do not have to belong to every club or activity.  They don’t have to go on every trip.  Balance!

It is OK to say no

Parenting is not a popularity contest.  Many kids want their parents to set appropriate limits. It makes them feel safe.  However, “no” like “yes” should be used with thought and moderation.

It is OK to compromise

Listen to your kids and their opinions.  If you approach parenting as “It is my way or the highway,” you will be doing everyone a disservice.  

Foster  purpose

A life of stuff without purpose is very empty. We all need some sort of purpose that is fulfilling.  That purpose is different from individual to individual and can change over time.  If a person wants to change the world, great.  However, many purposes are much more mundane.  Still, they are equally valid and beneficial.

Christmas is special because it’s Christmas

Extend this to any special event.  If you had Christmas every day it would be pretty boring.  You don’t have to be a Disney dad or mom.

Guide, but don’t control

As parents, we have a wealth of knowledge that we have gained over time.  Find ways to share that knowledge with your kids, but it is not your job to control them into what you think they should be.  The former is good parenting, the latter is narcissism.  

Tell them when they are out of line, but avoid shame and guilt

This one is pretty self-explanatory.  I have no problem telling my kids when they have screwed up.  However, I don’t try to control their behavior with shame or guilt.

Praise them for their successes, but avoid participation awards

Our children should receive praise for their successes.  However, we live in a world where kids are given awards just for showing up.  That is BS and breeds a false sense of self.

Don’t pit one kid against another to achieve a goal.

Also self explanatory  How many parents compare one of their kids with another?  Each kid is unique.  Don’t be an a-hole parent.

Realize that it is their life, not yours.

Our children may choose a path different from what WE would want them to do.  However, it is their life and their choice.  That is not to say that we shouldn’t offer our opinion when they are making an extremely poor decision. With that said, the best advice is the advice that is asked for by the individual.   The path that a 5-year-old wants should have more parental intervention than the path of a 21-year-old.

Introduce spirituality

I am not here to tell you to raise your child in a particular religion.  However, children need to realize that they are just a small part of the bigger picture. Spirituality can encompass anything from attending a church to connecting with and respecting nature.

Consider frugality

We live in a consumer world that pushes stuff over substance.  That drive often results in debt.  Debt breeds anxiety, fear, and insecurity.  Teach your children to live with less, and to treat their possessions with care.

Teach rationality

Kids are constantly influenced by others who want to sell them something or manipulate them.  All of our kids graduated from college and they all have (or will have) multiple degrees.  They are gifted and had many college options.  Very prestigious colleges wanted them but offered no incentives.  Very good colleges were willing to fund their educations to get them to attend (as their scores improved the overall admission ratings of those colleges). We explored these choices rationally with our kids and they opted to go with the schools that wanted them so much that they were willing to pay for it. We did this with logic, statistics, and other methods.  We didn’t focus on BS reasons like “the college experience” or our own narcissistic need to have our kids attend a university that would give us bragging rights. Getting your kids to think rationally is giving them a superpower.

If your parenting style isn’t working, try plan B

One lay definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing while expecting a different outcome.  If your style of parenting isn’t working it is time to stop, think, and possibly seek outside intervention.

Be a parent tag-team

Kids like to split parents and some parents willingly participate in this destructive action.  There always is flexibility in good parenting.  However, if both parents are on board for the greater good everyone benefits.

Teach your children respect for everything

From your pet poodle to Mother Nature.

Have fun

Parenting is hard work, but it should have elements of fun.  Be silly, do fun things, and be spontaneous.  If you are having fun, so are they. It feels good to laugh with your kids!

You are always their parent…but

Our adult children may make choices that we may not agree with.  Remember, that they are adults. Also, remember that their poor choices are not our responsibility.

Peace

Mike