Monthly Archives: August 2024

camping, cooking in a van, living in a van, Negatives of van life, Uncategorized, Urban Stealth Camping, van kitchen, van kitchen design, vandwelling, Winter Camping, Winter in a Van

Van life, My Favorite Things.

I started my van life journey very simply. I pushed down the seats of my SUV and slept on an air mattress topped with a sleeping bag. In a laundry basket I had a small cook kit, a stove, a tarp, a flashlight, paper towels, matches, and a few other things. My clothes were in a duffel bag and I kept some food in a cooler and a box. This was all that I needed, and it alerted me to the reality that you don’t need very much to get by. However, I wanted to upgrade which led me to purchasing a Ram Promaster high-top in 2018.

Here I am in 2018 with my Promaster. It was a stock model with nothing in it. I had to add the side and back windows, and just about everything else. My very talented friend, Tom said he would help me build it out but I didn’t want to burden him with such a mammoth task so I found Wayfarer Vans in Colorado Springs and had them install a kit which made the van camping ready. However, I have heavily modified the van ever since with my friend and it has always been a fun way to build something together (I’m the chief screwdriver finder).

Violet’s innards from another angle. In this photo you can see that I had a side window and rear windows installed. I had this done locally at a custom RV/van shop in the city. I’m not very big on driving in huge cities, but I can do it if the motivation is high enough. Wayfarer now offers a lot of customization options, but in 2018 it was up to the van’s owners to get the van ready for modification.

Violet proudly showing off her side window.

One of the first things that we did was to install a roof fan and the solar panels. Both of these things were must for me and I use them on every trip. I have 400 watts of solar which charges my main battery and allows me to operate at almost 100 percent electric. The fan really helps to vent out the hot air and bring in the cool air at night.

Here you can see the vent fan from the inside. This fan can operate in two directions (pulling in air, or pushing out air). If you decide on adding a vent fan I would suggest getting one that can do this.

Here you can see my basic Wayfarer built. Compare this to my SUV photo and you can see that I have gone far up in van life status. The construction is very solid and has stood the test of time for 6 years. The box on the left is supposed to be a boot box, but it became my power station. Note the kitchen with a sink. Although functional, it did not suite my needs as I never really used the sink due to the mess. It had a 7 gallon water tank and a 7 gallon grey water tank that I had to wrestle with, and I didn’t like dealing with smelly grey water. We built a kitchen that better suited my needs. Also note the cavernous under the bed space. It was designed for adventure cargo, like a bike. However, I wanted to organize the space better for general van life.

Here I’m at Wayfarer Vans picking up my newly converted van. It only took them a morning to do what would have taken me a couple of months.

One of our first projects was to build out an under-the-bed storage space (#3). That has been one of my favorite modifications. This allowed a dedicated space for a slide out fridge (#1), as well as baskets that serve as my main pantry (#2).

The second photo shows the storage box from the “garage” end. Everything is very organized and there is still plenty of room for gear.

We opened up the “boot box” and converted it into a power station. My main battery and accessory battery gives me 4KW of power. Enough for just about any tasks that I need. I’m conservative with my power use and rarely dip below 80% battery. I have multiple ways to recharge my battery, but typically the solar panels are enough. I can also charge from my car battery/alternator. Lastly, I have a small gas generator, but I have never had to use it.

Another early project were these puck lights. However, they are also a regret as they are constantly disconnecting requiring me to take down panels to find the short. They use a remote control and I have had to replace the remote module a number of times. Now I more often use other sources of light.

I use every nook and cranny in Violet. Another project was installing a Wabasto gas heater (#1). The heater taps directly into Violet’s gas tank and barely sips any gas. I would say that its output is similar to one of those little electric heaters, which is enough to allow me to camp in the Winter. So far I have been comfortable with temperatures in the teens (Fahrenheit). You can also see my emergency toilet (#3). I have tried a couple of different types and am currently using a collapsible one. I seem to always find an alternate toilet option, but it feels good to have this backup “just in case.” The rectangular box (#2) is a 2000 watt quality inverter that takes power from my car battery and coverts it to AC power. This is an alternative way to charge my house battery when I’m driving. Now DC to DC chargers are popular, but they weren’t when I built out Violet. My solution may be a bit less efficient, but it works fine for me and also gives me an extra source of AC power. I originally had a no-name Chinese inverter that promised high output, but didn’t deliver so I went with a brand-name and I am glad that I did.

I also carry this small power bank which I can charge with a folding solar panel. I can take it out of the van to power devices like my video projector or computer, and use it inside for a convenient way to charge my phone. I like this particular battery bank as it re-charges very quickly. Some similar units charge very slowly. I believe in the motto ABC (always be charging). When I have shore power I like to charge everything to 100%.

A carpet is a must to keep dirt at bay. We cut this one to look like a wall to wall carpet, but it easily pulls out. My son asked why I got this pattern, but when he went camping with me he understood why-it hides dirt!

When I camp alone I almost always boon dock. However, when I’m camping with my wife or my son I will usually stay at campgrounds. Some smaller campgrounds will only have this type of power connector, so it is a good idea to have on board a simple 30 Amp to 20 Amp converter plug. They are inexpensive and can be found everywhere from Amazon to Walmart.

This is what the adapter looks like. I have used it many times over the years to convert a 30A socket into a 20A (typical) socket.

Another thing that Tom and I added was cruise control. It was a simple install and has made long drives a lot easier.

We also added swivel front seats. I have never used the swivel drivers seat, and rarely swivel the passenger seat. However, my wife uses it all of the time. This highlights the fact that what I find necessary, you may not. Hindsight suggests that it is better to build out slowly when you know what you actually need rather than trying to figure everything out in the beginning. You can also see my first attempt at a power station, an enormously heavy GoalZero 1250. I gifted that to Tom and his camping adventures when I upgraded to a lithium system.

A must is a garbage system that can be as elaborate or as simple as you want. I hang a grocery bag on the driver’s arm rest and change it out daily. It may not look great, but it works really well. I have never had a need to upgrade it.

Last summer’s project was to completely re-build the kitchen. I have enough power to go all electric, and I used an induction hob and a small microwave. I also have a capsule coffee pot as well as a small electric pressure cooker. When I’m solo I cook very simply, but when my wife or son are on board I tend to make real meals. I want their experience to be a good one.

This is my old kitchen setup using the Wayfarer kitchen. You can see the sink that I never used. Additionally, I had an induction hob mounted to the countertop which worked well, but took up valuable space. On the right side you see a microwave oven as well as a hassock toilet. I’m constantly changing things around. Why? Because its fun!

This summer Tom and I built a new kitchen that was better for my particular needs. By eliminating the sink, building in the hob and the microwave, and extending the countertop, I added an enormous amount of usable space. As an aside, we harvested the wood for the countertop from fallen trees. Tom used the planks to make flooring for his house, but there was some wood left over and that wood became Violet’s counter top.

In van life you can never have too many fans. There are a lot of small USB fans that are cheap, move a lot of air, and barely use any power. I’ll often use one in conjunction with my roof fan on very hot days.

Another one of my missteps. We installed a water port for the sink, and the sink is now gone. I also installed a power port, but I find it easier to run an outdoor extension cord through the sliding door.

I’m a little mixed on this one, a cellular signal booster. The improvement in cell reception has mostly been marginal, but recently it allowed me to very slowly view some webpages that would not have been possible with just my phone. Was that worth all of the money that I spent for the gadget? I don’t know.

Most of us use our phones to navigate. However, your phone’s GPS app requires a reasonably good cell connection to download maps. Two summers ago I installed a new radio that also has GPS as this unit has all of the maps preloaded. I have been in many places where Google maps won’t function (poor cell reception), but this unit does. This was an expensive upgrade, but you could also just buy an inexpensive dedicated GPS device off of eBay.

I also have an inexpensive dash cam. To be honest, I’m not sure I know how to get the videos off the camera. Fingers crossed that I won’t have to.

I mentioned that you need a light source. It is also important to have a portable light. This USB headlamp does the job for me, but there are many other options available.

A portable radio is a very nice addition. Yes, you have your car’s radio, but that could potentially run your battery down. I think I bought this radio off of eBay (note the Chinese hanzi). I have been in places with little cell signal so I can’t stream, but I can always get radio signals. A portable radio allows me to listen to the news and music when I’m sitting in a chair outside. Surprisingly, I seem to always find a NPR station. NPR has a lot of podcast like shows.

I also have an inexpensive “weather station.” Violet can get pretty hot in the summer heat and pretty cold in the winter freeze. I have found this little gadget informative over the years.

Since I no longer have a sink, you may wonder how I wash my dishes. I wipe off the remaining food with a paper towel, then spray with 100% vinegar, then wipe that off. It works as well as soap and water, but it doesn’t use up any water, and I have no smelly grey water to deal with.

Another addition that I added was this hitch for a bike carrier. Necessary if you want to take a bike with you, otherwise unneeded. Of course you can also pack a bike inside the van, but that can be a hassle.

This may seem like a no-brainer, but having a a decent water bottle is a must for so many reasons.

The simple water system that I have used for a number of years. This carboy holds 2 gallons of water, and I have 2, 3 gallon refill jugs in the van’s “garage.”

It goes without saying that you must have some sort of a first aid kit. I customized mine with things that I use. You can often buy small quantities of OTC meds at dollar stores making it inexpensive to change them out every year or two. I always have a variety of bandages, Motrin, anti-diarrhea meds, anti-histamines, kineseology tape, and other stuff on hand. I usually wind up taking a Motrin several times during any trip. Last summer I managed to poke a very sharp knife in my hand while trying to open a package. I was bleeding so much that I was leaking through band-aids. I taped the wound together with kineseology tape and that saved the day.

Another wonderful addition was a 3″ memory foam mattress pad that I added to the existing Wayfarer pad. I’m a big guy and a side sleeper, so I need the extra cushioning. Installing the pad took about 1 minute and it was a game changer for me.

This steering wheel desk turns Violet into an office on wheels. You can buy plastic ones very inexpensively on Amazon. However, my steering wheel was an odd size and the plastic one didn’t fit flat so we made our own.

When it’s hot and you have no shade you soon realize, “I need some shade!” There are many solutions and I have tried two of them. In the first photo I’m using a patio umbrella adapter on my hitch. That worked fine, but the MoonShade was more compact and did a better job. Neither require any permanent installation.

This may be hard to see, but you are looking at one of my absolutely most favorite things-rain guards! They allow me to keep my windows cracked during the rain and at night. They are an absolute must and take less than 5 minutes to install.

There are many other things that have made my van life easier. Some I use regularly, like a folding BBQ grate. Some things I use on occasionally, like a butane stove that allows me to cook outdoors. Some items I rarely use, but I’m glad that I have them, like a tow rope, traction mats, a tire pump, and a jump starter. Some are just fun, like my Omnia Oven.

I’m a life long camper, have been vehicle camping for a long time, and van camping for 6 years. I’m also a gadget guy so I’m constantly upgrading and changing things as that is part of my fun. I thought I would share some of my gear with you today. Your needs and desires may be completely different from mine. Do your own thing, and HAPPY CAMPING!

Peace

Mike

writing topics

How I Pick The Topics For My Posts

A dear friend and former colleague recently wrote to me about my blog post, “Love Bombing: How To Control Others With Love.”  He noted:

Your most recent blog was a reach coming  from you – not sure what made you write that – as always quite well thought out and on target and educational but did not seem like the usual “mike.”

I thought, “Hmm, this could be another subject for a blog post!”

For those interested, I thought I would share why I write what I write, and at the end of this post, I will tell you why I specifically wrote about Love Bombing.

First, I love to put thoughts on paper for the same reason that I love to teach.  It gives me a lot of pleasure (for whatever reason) to pass on information.  I remember that in my teaching days, I would try to organize a lecture so that the poorest student would understand it while still stimulating the best student.  For me, that was always an interesting challenge.  Putting something in writing has a secondary benefit for me; I understand the topic better.  I have to use my organizational skills to “put all of the pieces together” and present a flow of information where one idea connects to another.

Additionally, I like the idea of connecting different ideas that may seem unrelated to the reader in an effort to add some variety to what I’m writing.  It is my hope that the reader starts out thinking, “Why did he add that?” And in the end, they think, “Oh, that’s why!”  It is just more silliness on my part.

Different people process information in different ways.  Some people are splitters; they are great at splitting up information into different groups or categories.  I’m a glommer, and I tend to see similarities in things.  Everything seems to connect to everything else in my mind.  However, one of my favorite things to do is to compare things, which forces me to go from glomming to splitting.  I’m also constantly exploring how similar things are different and have been doing that my entire life.  In fact, when I was 4, I would collect pencils and do a “detailed analysis” of everything from the quality of the paint to the smoothness of the pencil’s lead.  Ha, I never said I was “normal.”  

So you have a person whose brain naturally gloms everything together who then enjoys splitting those groups apart. It feels natural to me, but it sounds strange when I put this process on paper.  

When I first started this blog, the purpose was to see how honest and revealing I could be in a public forum.  It was a proof of concept project for future work.  Then the blog then became a legacy project for my kids and grand kids.  It is still that, but after thousands of pages, it is evolving into a pleasure project.  I enjoy writing, and I have a secret hope that at least one person who reads my posts will benefit from it. 

When I was working, my time was extremely constrained, and any learning had to be focused on a purpose.  However, those constraints have been lifted from me, and I can now spend as much time on any topic as I choose.  You see some of that in my writing.  In one post, I may talk about the importance of healthy relationships; in the next post, I might discuss the physics of induction hobs.  Since I gain nothing financially from my posts, I have no need to build a following.  If that was my purpose, I would have focused on a particular area where I’m particularly knowledgeable, like psychology or photography.  I think that would get boring for me.  Keeping everything loosey goosey gives me the flexibility to want to keep on writing.  Does that make this a vanity project?  I don’t know, but who cares?

So now that all of these generalities have been covered, let’s do a deep dive into why I wrote about love bombing… and it all started with a YouTube video.

One day, a video appeared on my YouTube feed from a channel called “Catfished.”  In the video, a wife was asking for help to convince her husband that a supermodel porn star was not in love with him. I’m not going to be very PC here, but this was a very average-looking couple in their 50s.  In many ways, it seemed like the guy had hit the jackpot with his wife.  She was organized and was much more financially responsible than he was.  She seemed to be intelligent and had a genuine concern for him. It was clear that she was the driving force that kept the house afloat. In fact, I believe that the husband moved into her house. 

I would say that she was the better-looking of the two.  He looked somewhat disheveled, almost dirty, and clearly did not make his personal appearance a priority.  He had been trolling dating sites when he came upon his girlfriend, and they “instantly connected.”  She said all of the right things.  She showered him with attention, sexualized the conversation, and noted that they were “twins” and “soulmates.”  Then she started to ask him for money, which he willingly sent, much of it from the mutual accounts held with his wife (which is how the wife discovered what he was doing).  

The woman of his dreams was in her 20s, was drop-dead gorgeous, and her photos were highly eroticized.  He was very quick to toss his wife aside, noting that he never really loved her.  Yet, he continued to live at home and seemed to have zero problems cohabitating with his wife as she made his meals and did his laundry. 

The Catfished team came in and proved that his girlfriend was a scammer and, in fact, was a man posing to be a supermodel. The photos were stolen from the internet, and the images were taken from a porn star.  They even got the porn actress to video call the guy and tell him that she was not his girlfriend. He agreed to break off contact with the scammer, and (for whatever reason) his wife was willing to give him another chance.  However, the scammer continued to contact him and told him that the real actress was fake, and the guy believed it.  By then, the wife had had enough, and their relationship was over.  I have to wonder how long the scammer continued to contact him once his former wife closed the guy out of her bank accounts.  

When you watch one type of video, YouTube’s algorithm gives you more, and I watched them. They all had a similar tone.  Beautiful, successful, and rich fictional people professing their love (and requesting money) to very average-looking victims.  In some cases, the scammer destroyed a marriage; in other cases, they preyed on lonely single people who were convinced that they were being courted by A-level lovers. 

It was amazing how easily these people were able to be conned, some sending hundreds of thousands of dollars to their online “friends” with the promise that the most recent cash infusion would bring their internet lover into their arms. It was also clear that these scammers were using a defined playbook, as many of the plot lines were similar.  I was witnessing a mass scam that was taking cash from victims as easy as taking candy from a baby.  All using the simple technique of love bombing. 

This made me think of other institutionalized ways that people love bomb others in order to manipulate them, hence the references to grooming and the like.

However, this type of manipulation didn’t originate as a way to deliberately manipulate others; it originated on a one-to-one basis, and that was something that I was very familiar with in my psychiatric practice.  Hence, the paragraphs on love bombing and personality disorders.  

It made more organizational sense to start out with individuals, then look at individuals who were actively conning, and then the more “institutionalized” methods of love bombing, like the Catfished example. For me, it was a fun article to write.

So there you have it. Now you know how I pick topics and why they may seem so varied on the surface.  Like all of us, I’m not a one-trick pony, and since I don’t rely on my blog to generate income, I have the unmistakable pleasure of writing whatever I happen to be pondering at that moment.  A perfect way for me to write!

Peace

Mike

love bombing

Love Bombing: How To Control Others With Love

Barb sat behind me in my 10th-grade geometry class, and we spent most of the period passing notes to each other. Barb had no interest in Geometry, and I seemed to “get it,” making it unnecessary for me to follow the endless solutions that the teacher chalked out on the slate blackboard at the front of the room. 

She was what I would call a casual friend and was not in my group of close friends.  Most of our notes consisted of trivial things.  Did the other person see a new movie?  Wasn’t today’s class especially boring?  Why was the room so hot today?  But all that changed with a party.  

Barb went to a party and spent some time with James.  They “made out.”  This catapulted Barb into a frenzy, and she became obsessed with him.  Now, the questions were different.  Did I see James today?  What was he wearing?  What was his mood like?  She would even ask me what socks he had on.  To be honest, I often made up an answer as my focus on James was less intense than hers, and the answers to her questions had no real impact on either of us.

Barb deliberately put herself in situations where she would run into James. She would come up with reasons to interact with James, offer him special treats, and even bake him a batch of cookies. For a period, I would classify her actions as bordering on stalking behavior.  

For Barb, James had become the center of her universe.  He was perfect in every way.  He could do no wrong.  If he looked at her, it was a declaration of love.  If he talked to her, it was a sign that he was as committed to her as she was to him.  That is until Barb found out that James was dating someone else.  She was devastated, hurt, and angry.  James went from being a god to being garbage.

At the time, I thought Barb’s reaction to James was excessive.  However, she was a 15-year-old girl influenced by a hormonal upswing and romantic movies.  Although on the extreme, her behavior was in the normal range.  However, if Barb had acted similarly at age 18, something would have been off.  If she acted similarly at 21, I think it would be safe to say that her behavior was approaching pathology.  

In recent posts, I have discussed the withdrawal of love in parental alienation and written many posts on the importance of healthy love in relationships. Today, I’ll examine how some people weaponize love to manipulate others. That process is called love bombing.

A hormonal attraction to another person is one of the most powerful emotions on the planet.  The ability to fall in love is hardwired in our brains for an important reason: reproduction.  If a species doesn’t reproduce, it goes extinct, and hormonal love promotes having babies. 

Everyone wants to feel hormonal love. It is euphoric, you feel giddy, problems disappear, and happiness becomes your dominant emotion. Of course, hormonal love is temporary, but hopefully, a more real love finds root in this process.

Novel and movie writers know this, and they often create plots that combine extreme versions of hormonal love (often labeled as romantic love) with resolvable conflict to create an irresistible formula.  

It is important to understand that there are many forms of love.  True love is not biased by any constraint and is a deep and fulfilling connection that you have with another person, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.  True love is not sexual at all.  One example is the love a parent feels for a child.  Hormonal love is a different beast that may eventually be associated with true love.  Hormonal love clouds the mind in many ways. Flaws in the partner and red flags are ignored, good qualities are overvalued, and logic goes out the window. I’m not talking about long-term romantic feelings; I’m talking about those novel feelings that one experiences when one clicks with an appropriate partner.  In a perfect situation, this hormonal love will continue to become both true romantic love and the committed love that I mentioned above. This process ALWAYS takes time.  Once a person gets past hormonal love, they need to get to know the other person and see them for who they truly are before they can reasonably determine the quality of the relationship.

It is relatively easy to manipulate another person and to trigger hormonal love in them.  Additionally, many of those manipulation techniques can be modified to develop a strong and obsessive connection in individuals without the addition of real romantic love.  The reality is that we are advanced animals, to be sure, but just like our pet dogs and cats, we respond in very predictable ways when given a set of prescribed triggers.  Hormonal love is not magical; it’s hardwired in your brain.  Sorry if I just burst your bubble.

The process of emotionally manipulating someone to think they are experiencing love is called love bombing, and it can be incredibly destructive to its victim.  For this discussion, I will separate love bombing into three categories.  Individualized love bombing, compound love bombing, and industrialized love bombing.  These are not clinical terms; they are just my effort to organize the topic in a way that clearly illustrates this very manipulative behavior.

Individualized Love Bombing

Individualized love bombing is when one person sets out to manipulate another person for the first person’s benefit.  The love bomber may be unaware of their destructive behavior, so how is this a manipulation?  It is because their actions aim to achieve their end rather than a true mutual connection with the other person. 

Individualized love bombing is often seen in people who have attachment issues.  They have difficulty in forming true relationships with others.  One large group of individuals who may love bombs belong to a psychiatric category called Cluster B Personality Disorders.  This group includes Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Histrionic Personality Disorder.  These are very distinct personality disorders, and books have been written about each one. A detailed analysis is well beyond the scope of this blog post.  However, individuals in these groups generally can not form true relationships with others.  Rather, they view their target as an object that can be used to meet their needs.  That need may be attention, validation, sexual intimacy, and a variety of other wants.  Also, note that these personality disorders exist on a spectrum of pathology, and therefore, some individuals have a complete inability to form a relationship with another person, while others may have some ability to do so.  However, in most cases, the victim will wind up being short-changed.  In my practice, I would treat victims who were in a constant state of relational confusion, often saying things like, “I always feel like I’m walking on eggshells.” Or  “I never know what to expect when I walk through the door.” 

Although individualized love bombing can be modified to manipulate any other person, it is most effective when combined with the promise of romantic love and physical intimacy, as these are such powerful motivators.  

If you search on YouTube for “love bombing,” you will find many videos with titles like “The four signs that you are being love bombed” or “The seven signs of love bombing.”  I think such categorizations both complicate and limit the topic.  Let me clarify: A love bomber will attempt to be your everything quickly.  They will do things to isolate you from others.  They will play on your weaknesses to achieve their goal.  They will stroke your ego.  

At times, a love bomb attack is a one-way ticket where the victim is used up and discarded.  At other times, the victim will enter a cycle that starts from being placed on a pedestal to a time of conflict, to devaluation, to reconciliation, and then to being on a pedestal again. It all depends on the particular needs of the love bomber.

Both men and women can love bomb using very similar techniques but with some modifications.  Despite changing gender roles, most men and women intrinsically respond to techniques as old as time.  This may offend some readers, but it is a fact.

Many women have been raised with the “Pretty Woman” concept.  In the movie, a rich man showers a working girl with love and attention; he buys her expensive gifts, takes her to exotic places, and fulfills her life in every way possible.  He is masculine, tough, and ruthless to the outside world but gentle and kind to her.  Only she is privy to this special part of his inner life.  Only she holds the key. Only she understands him.  He makes her feel safe and secure.  He loves her despite any past issues that she has had.  He doesn’t care because he sees her inner beauty.  And, of course, this love will last forever.  

Think of all the romance novels and romcoms that use this plot line.  Heck, think of all of the fairy tales that successfully use it.  “Happily Ever After “is a fantasy life without having to do a ton of relational work. It is not real life.  Fifteen-year-old Geometry Barb can be given a pass for believing it. A 21-year-old Barb would be considered foolish and stupid to buy into it.  Yet, women of all ages and sophistications fall for love bombing because a skilled love bomber has mastered the art of customizing their approach to the victim.  

Men have different vulnerabilities. Think of movies many men are attracted to, such as superhero movies, war movies, and movies containing highly successful men.  Many men would like to be James Bond.  Handsome, knowledgeable, powerful, a bit of a rogue, fantastic sexually, sophisticated, and a chick magnet.

OK…yes, not every man and woman fits these categories, but many do, often on very hidden and primitive levels.  However, some key is always available to start a quick attachment. Of course, some individuals are more susceptible than others. A love bomber is an expert at finding out what a person needs and giving those things in abundance.  Anything can be said or offered since there is no “real” in the relationship.  Love bombers are like politicians.  They can promise you anything, but false promises are just that.

An even more dangerous form of love bombing is what I call “compound love bombing,” where the bomber also actively plans how to manipulate the victim.  For instance, a male love bomber may create a situation to isolate his female victim by taking them to an isolated “romantic” location. He can exert more control over his victim to achieve his objective there.  Naturally, such an offer will be presented as a loving gesture rather than what it is. 

Let’s look at a classic love bomb situation.  In this example, I’ll explore a female who love bombs a male, as most of the examples that you will find on the internet involve males who love bomb females.

A female love bomber will exploit the vulnerabilities of the male victim, and that will vary, but let’s assume a classic approach.  The female bomber will be overly interested in the victim, interested in what they have to say, giving them endless validation, interested in their interests, and fascinated by their conversation and opinions.  The female love bomber will do things to isolate the victim from others. This could be physical isolation (always being with the victim) or emotional isolation by subtly devaluing the victim’s friends or family.  The female love bomber will shower the victim with compliments, telling them that they are sexy, fantastic lovers, like no other man that they have ever known before, and of course, the “twin flame” gambit, that they are soul mates.  

Female love bombers may create a sense of excess by always being available or add unavailability to create desperation.  They will not only shower the victim with attention but may also add acts of service.  These acts of service are customized to the needs of the victim.  A lonely bachelor may respond to gourmet meals or endless and exciting sex, whereas a married man could react to spontaneous fun and lack of any responsibility.  This last point bears noting.  Since the bomber is just interested in their needs (while claiming that they are there to meet the victim’s needs), they have no concern over the destruction of the victim’s life.  They are not thinking about the victim’s marriage or the carnage that their actions could cause him.

A side note:  Do you know that affairs only result in a 2% rate of lasting marriage with the affair partner?  A small percentage of affairs result in a marriage, and the vast majority of those marriages end in divorce. That 2% doesn’t mean those marriages are good; it just means the couple has remained legally married. The actual rate of a successful long-term marriage with an affair partner is less than 2%!

As stated above, sometimes the victim is used up and discarded. At other times, the relationship cycles between a honeymoon period, tension, arguments/breakup, reconciliation, and back to the honeymoon.  

If there is no ulterior motive, such as financial or status gains, the bomber is likely looking to fill a gap in their defective personality.  They may like the hormonally giddy feelings of “being in love.”  They may be looking for someone to complete them (which is not possible) emotionally or to fill them physically/sexually so they can feel alive.  They may just like the power of having complete control over another person. All of this is artificial and will end badly for the victim.

The victim gets trapped and addicted to all of the emotional and physical attention.  It is exactly like a drug, and just like a drug, the high is impossible to replicate in a genuine love situation. If this is a cyclic love bomb, The victim winds up “walking on eggshells.”  Confused, depressed, upset.  

If the victim had been married at the start of the attack, it is possible that the love bomb and the resultant behavior of the victim will end the marriage. Most certainly, the marriage will be severely damaged.  If they are single, their confidence and sense of self will be damaged.  The victim always leaves with the short end of the stick. 

Remember that the love bomber aims to control you by getting you to fall for them as quickly as possible.  The sooner they can do this, the greater the reward for them.

But what about real love?  Real soulmates? Can real love be confused with love bombing?  Is it possible to have love at first sight? Perhaps, but there are significant differences.  Real romantic love may start with hormonal love but builds with time. What is this person like over an extended time?  How are they when you can’t meet their needs but you are in a crisis?  What are their real flaws (we all have them)?  If things are moving very quickly, slow down, set limits, and reassess.  Remember, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Compound Love Bombing

I mentioned this above.  This is when a person loves bombs based on their pathology, but they also add deliberate manipulation and planning to reach their goal.  They actively plot to gain control of the other person. This type of love bombing is even more dangerous and destructive. 

Industrialized Love Bombing

Love bombing can be manualized as a very effective way to control others.  Sexual predators use love bombing as part of their grooming of young victims. “Booty Bandits” use love bombing combined with intimidation and withdrawal of attention to “turn out”  younger naive prisoners and create  “punks” to meet their sexual needs.  Cults use love bombing to convert needy or lonely people into cult members.  

One of the most recent methods to weaponize love bombing is catfishing individuals over the internet.  Like all forms of love bombing, the goal is to gain something from the victim at the expense of the victim.  There are many cases where victims blinded by “love” destroy their marriages or go into financial ruin.

These perpetrators are usually men who assume the script and persona of another person.  Since everything is fake, they can play anything from a supermodel to a handsome leading man.  They steal images off the internet (Instagram is a favorite spot) and use elaborate plot lines to trap their victims.  They often start as interested and invested and quickly escalate to statements of love along with the usual soulmate lines.  Their attentiveness and loving behavior may last weeks or months before they strike.  Initially, they may ask the victim for a small amount of money for a temporary crisis.  Once the victim gives in, the demands for money escalate.  

Anyone looking at the process from the outside would immediately recognize that the victim was being scammed, but the process is usually so calculated that the victim frequently denies this obvious reality and eventually sends massive amounts of cash via bitcoins or untraceable gift cards to a person whom they have never met. 

The contrast between the victim and the made-up love interest is often startling.  Middle aged, plain-looking women think they are being wooed by the actor Brad Pit, or out-of-shape elderly men are convinced that a supermodel loves them.  There is always the promise that the next infusion of cash will result in the bomber and the victim finally meeting to start their eternal life of happiness.  Sometimes, the deal is sweetened by the promise that the love bomber is incredibly rich but doesn’t have access to their bank account.  Sometimes, the relationship is peppered with phone sex and innuendo; at other times, money pleas are made to pay for an imagined illness or crisis.  In the end, the victim is left just like they are in an individual love bombing: alone, empty, depressed, and often destroyed.  

Today’s post was a little different than many of my posts and is in contrast to posts where I listed how the alienation of affection can destroy a person’s confidence and self-esteem.  Here, the artificial use of fake love can be equally destructive.  Remember, if you think you are falling in love with the perfect someone and it almost seems too good to be true, it probably is.  Stop, slow down, listen to your family and friends, take your time.  Love bombers eventually reveal who they are over time.  

Peace 

Mike

Family relationships, Good relationships

The Third Date

It came apart. Some pieces were big chunks, others fragmented splinters. I was in my kitchen drinking coffee with my friend Tom as we listened to the sound of a circular saw slicing through wood and the groaning crunch of a crowbar yanking planks that had been nailed into joists decades ago. An era was about to pass.

I met Julie at the hospital.  I thought she was the unit secretary, not the program director of the eating disorder program.  I had been asked to do a consultation on that unit, and she caught my eye.  Weeks later, I was told to attend a hospital-wide marketing meeting.  The request seemed odd as I had never been asked to attend one in the many years I served as the medical director of the hospital’s substance abuse program.  However, I complied.

Julie walked in. She, too, had never been asked to this meeting. She was late, and only two open seats were available. One was next to the director of nursing, whom she couldn’t stand. The other one was next to me. She picked the lesser of two evils, and we struck up a conversation. It was then that it dawned on me that she was directing the eating disorder program and not the unit secretary. 

After the meeting, I returned to my unit and ran into my assistant medical director, Dr. Mary.  I asked her if she knew Julie, and she said she did.  She thought that she was dating a rich guy.  She also felt that she wouldn’t want to date a divorced man, especially one with a child.That would be me.  I’m not a person who quickly gives up on hearsay.  I summoned up junior high Mike and came up with a plan and sent Mary over to the eating disorder unit to do some reconnaissance work.  A short time later, Mary returned with the news that the rich boyfriend was on the way out.  In her hand was Julie’s phone number.

Our first date was to a Vietnamese restaurant, followed by a drive down Lake Shore Drive in my Mustang GT convertible. I was cooler then than I am now.  Our second date was to a movie. Our third date was at my house.  I invited her over for dinner.  She said she would bring dessert.

Dear Reader, I have been a reasonably competent cook for most of my life. However, I did not cook much at that time. I was working endless hours, and most of my meals were consumed in hospital cafeterias or purchased at fast-food joints. 

I wanted to serve a nice dinner, but at the same time, it had to be simple.  That was a psychological move; something too elaborate could have been intimidating, so I decided on a “guy” meal, steak.  I bought most of the ingredients days before, but I realized that I needed a starch shortly before Julie arrived.  I ran to the corner and bought two huge potatoes from the convenience store.  I’m sure I paid triple what I would have at a regular market, but I was running out of time and needed those spuds. The menu was set: steak, baked potatoes, tossed salad, green beans, and warm dinner rolls.

I bought my house several years earlier, mainly to have a stable place for my daughter, who was then on an every-other-week schedule.  It was a standard two story suburban Georgian style popular in the 1980s.  Over the years, I was slowly improving it, and I was currently in the process of a project where I was adding French doors to the dining room and two decks joined by a little bridge at the back of the house.  I had contracted with one of the counselors at my unit who was doing side work with an experienced general contractor.

I debated on how to set the table.  Too casual would look like I didn’t care, but I didn’t want to appear to be too Martha Stewart, either.  I settled on using my favorite Fiestaware on top of placemats instead of a tablecloth. I fancied up the setup with some candles and flowers to set a tone. The sound of hammers accompanied my efforts as the crew continued to work on my deck project.  Jerry, addictions counselor turned temporary construction worker, soon noticed my efforts.  “Doc, are you having a lady friend over for dinner tonight?”  “Yep,” I replied.  Just as I had to think of Jerry in a different role, the look on his face suggested that he had to adjust to the idea that I had a life outside my medical role at the hospital.  After a brief pause, he smiled and said, “Great, have a nice time.”  I nodded and continued my preparations.

My next task was to pick some dinner music.  This was in the era of CDs, and I had one of those fancy CD changes that could hold 5 discs in a cassette allowing for hours of continuous play. I picked some of my favorite straight ahead jazz. 

Back in Wheaton, Julie was dealing with her food decisions.  One of her nurses gave her a recipe for a raspberry cheesecake.  Julie was in the throes of making it when she realized she needed a springform pan.  She made a quick dash to her local hardware store and bought one at double the price of what she would have paid at Target.  However, time was of the essence. 

Back at home, I was doing a final scan and realized that the towel in the powder room needed a change.  I’m usually obvious, but I caught it in time.  The stage was set. This was about the best that I could do.

The dinner went without a hitch.  The steak was done to perfection, the rolls were warm, and the green beans weren’t overcooked.  Julie’s cheesecake was enormous and could easily serve 10, but I wasn’t complaining as I love cheesecake.  We ate, and talked, and ate some more. I think both of us knew that this was no ordinary dinner and this was no ordinary date.

Many dates later, I proposed to Julie under the soft glow of the Christmas tree we had just decorated in my living room.

We married, and our lives continued. I eventually left my medical director job to direct other programs, and  Julie left her program director job to earn a PhD. After we were married, she decided to move into my house. Kids followed, adventures followed, and life followed.

My beautiful deck became aged, old, and decayed. It had been used less since we built a sunroom on the back of the house;its importance had faded. Now, my friend Tom’s construction crew was dismantling it. Tom and I talked and drank coffee as he barked out commands to his crew, ensuring that the job was done correctly. 

The process only took about 4 hours to complete. The boards were neatly stacked in Tom’s dumpster trailer. Eventually, the scarred earth under the former deck will be updated with a stone patio. I pondered how important the deck felt when I contracted to have it built and how unimportant it had become over the years.

When I’m camping in Violet, the camper van, my entire world is contained in a 75 square  feet.  Yet, I have everything that I need.  At home, I have duplicates and triplicates of everything.  Does that make me happy?  No, it may make me feel secure, but not happy.  Stuff is just stuff. The deck is gone, but the connection with Julie has lasted.  It has lasted through other remodels, three more children, good times and rough times, and health and sickness.

Dear reader, relationships require work, compromise, empathy, and more work.  It is important to be able to look in a mirror, laugh at yourself and not take yourself too seriously.  A relationship is not about who is right or in control; it is about working together.  How to support each other. How to find common goals while retaining individuality. How to continue to help each other despite unforeseen roadblocks. 

In many ways, these expectations are the same for any significant relationship, including those with children and friends. Yet, some of the criteria are a bit different. Expectations need to be adjusted with parents and small children vs. parents and adult children vs. a marriage relationship, vs a friendship. However, the above guidelines still apply. 

We are told that romantic relationships should be magical.  The infusion of the pleasure chemical, dopamine, fuels many new relationships.  That honeymoon period is there for a reason.  It is biologically built in for the sole purpose of passing on genetic material to a new generation.  This is an essential process, but it is short lived.  Like anything else that is worth having, relationships require work.  Sadly, how many approach such connections with a “What have you done for me lately” position?  How many look to others to fulfill them instead of looking inward to what they need to do to feel more complete? How many are sold the bill of goods that they can substitute stuff for connections with others? 

My deck is now gone and almost forgotten.  It was just “stuff.”  I don’t miss it; I have more important things to do with the people I care about in my life.

Peace

Mike

The deck was cut up and transported to the dump via Tom’s dumpster trailer.