Barb sat behind me in my 10th-grade geometry class, and we spent most of the period passing notes to each other. Barb had no interest in Geometry, and I seemed to “get it,” making it unnecessary for me to follow the endless solutions that the teacher chalked out on the slate blackboard at the front of the room.
She was what I would call a casual friend and was not in my group of close friends. Most of our notes consisted of trivial things. Did the other person see a new movie? Wasn’t today’s class especially boring? Why was the room so hot today? But all that changed with a party.
Barb went to a party and spent some time with James. They “made out.” This catapulted Barb into a frenzy, and she became obsessed with him. Now, the questions were different. Did I see James today? What was he wearing? What was his mood like? She would even ask me what socks he had on. To be honest, I often made up an answer as my focus on James was less intense than hers, and the answers to her questions had no real impact on either of us.
Barb deliberately put herself in situations where she would run into James. She would come up with reasons to interact with James, offer him special treats, and even bake him a batch of cookies. For a period, I would classify her actions as bordering on stalking behavior.
For Barb, James had become the center of her universe. He was perfect in every way. He could do no wrong. If he looked at her, it was a declaration of love. If he talked to her, it was a sign that he was as committed to her as she was to him. That is until Barb found out that James was dating someone else. She was devastated, hurt, and angry. James went from being a god to being garbage.
At the time, I thought Barb’s reaction to James was excessive. However, she was a 15-year-old girl influenced by a hormonal upswing and romantic movies. Although on the extreme, her behavior was in the normal range. However, if Barb had acted similarly at age 18, something would have been off. If she acted similarly at 21, I think it would be safe to say that her behavior was approaching pathology.
In recent posts, I have discussed the withdrawal of love in parental alienation and written many posts on the importance of healthy love in relationships. Today, I’ll examine how some people weaponize love to manipulate others. That process is called love bombing.
A hormonal attraction to another person is one of the most powerful emotions on the planet. The ability to fall in love is hardwired in our brains for an important reason: reproduction. If a species doesn’t reproduce, it goes extinct, and hormonal love promotes having babies.
Everyone wants to feel hormonal love. It is euphoric, you feel giddy, problems disappear, and happiness becomes your dominant emotion. Of course, hormonal love is temporary, but hopefully, a more real love finds root in this process.
Novel and movie writers know this, and they often create plots that combine extreme versions of hormonal love (often labeled as romantic love) with resolvable conflict to create an irresistible formula.
It is important to understand that there are many forms of love. True love is not biased by any constraint and is a deep and fulfilling connection that you have with another person, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. True love is not sexual at all. One example is the love a parent feels for a child. Hormonal love is a different beast that may eventually be associated with true love. Hormonal love clouds the mind in many ways. Flaws in the partner and red flags are ignored, good qualities are overvalued, and logic goes out the window. I’m not talking about long-term romantic feelings; I’m talking about those novel feelings that one experiences when one clicks with an appropriate partner. In a perfect situation, this hormonal love will continue to become both true romantic love and the committed love that I mentioned above. This process ALWAYS takes time. Once a person gets past hormonal love, they need to get to know the other person and see them for who they truly are before they can reasonably determine the quality of the relationship.
It is relatively easy to manipulate another person and to trigger hormonal love in them. Additionally, many of those manipulation techniques can be modified to develop a strong and obsessive connection in individuals without the addition of real romantic love. The reality is that we are advanced animals, to be sure, but just like our pet dogs and cats, we respond in very predictable ways when given a set of prescribed triggers. Hormonal love is not magical; it’s hardwired in your brain. Sorry if I just burst your bubble.
The process of emotionally manipulating someone to think they are experiencing love is called love bombing, and it can be incredibly destructive to its victim. For this discussion, I will separate love bombing into three categories. Individualized love bombing, compound love bombing, and industrialized love bombing. These are not clinical terms; they are just my effort to organize the topic in a way that clearly illustrates this very manipulative behavior.
Individualized Love Bombing
Individualized love bombing is when one person sets out to manipulate another person for the first person’s benefit. The love bomber may be unaware of their destructive behavior, so how is this a manipulation? It is because their actions aim to achieve their end rather than a true mutual connection with the other person.
Individualized love bombing is often seen in people who have attachment issues. They have difficulty in forming true relationships with others. One large group of individuals who may love bombs belong to a psychiatric category called Cluster B Personality Disorders. This group includes Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Histrionic Personality Disorder. These are very distinct personality disorders, and books have been written about each one. A detailed analysis is well beyond the scope of this blog post. However, individuals in these groups generally can not form true relationships with others. Rather, they view their target as an object that can be used to meet their needs. That need may be attention, validation, sexual intimacy, and a variety of other wants. Also, note that these personality disorders exist on a spectrum of pathology, and therefore, some individuals have a complete inability to form a relationship with another person, while others may have some ability to do so. However, in most cases, the victim will wind up being short-changed. In my practice, I would treat victims who were in a constant state of relational confusion, often saying things like, “I always feel like I’m walking on eggshells.” Or “I never know what to expect when I walk through the door.”
Although individualized love bombing can be modified to manipulate any other person, it is most effective when combined with the promise of romantic love and physical intimacy, as these are such powerful motivators.
If you search on YouTube for “love bombing,” you will find many videos with titles like “The four signs that you are being love bombed” or “The seven signs of love bombing.” I think such categorizations both complicate and limit the topic. Let me clarify: A love bomber will attempt to be your everything quickly. They will do things to isolate you from others. They will play on your weaknesses to achieve their goal. They will stroke your ego.
At times, a love bomb attack is a one-way ticket where the victim is used up and discarded. At other times, the victim will enter a cycle that starts from being placed on a pedestal to a time of conflict, to devaluation, to reconciliation, and then to being on a pedestal again. It all depends on the particular needs of the love bomber.
Both men and women can love bomb using very similar techniques but with some modifications. Despite changing gender roles, most men and women intrinsically respond to techniques as old as time. This may offend some readers, but it is a fact.
Many women have been raised with the “Pretty Woman” concept. In the movie, a rich man showers a working girl with love and attention; he buys her expensive gifts, takes her to exotic places, and fulfills her life in every way possible. He is masculine, tough, and ruthless to the outside world but gentle and kind to her. Only she is privy to this special part of his inner life. Only she holds the key. Only she understands him. He makes her feel safe and secure. He loves her despite any past issues that she has had. He doesn’t care because he sees her inner beauty. And, of course, this love will last forever.
Think of all the romance novels and romcoms that use this plot line. Heck, think of all of the fairy tales that successfully use it. “Happily Ever After “is a fantasy life without having to do a ton of relational work. It is not real life. Fifteen-year-old Geometry Barb can be given a pass for believing it. A 21-year-old Barb would be considered foolish and stupid to buy into it. Yet, women of all ages and sophistications fall for love bombing because a skilled love bomber has mastered the art of customizing their approach to the victim.
Men have different vulnerabilities. Think of movies many men are attracted to, such as superhero movies, war movies, and movies containing highly successful men. Many men would like to be James Bond. Handsome, knowledgeable, powerful, a bit of a rogue, fantastic sexually, sophisticated, and a chick magnet.
OK…yes, not every man and woman fits these categories, but many do, often on very hidden and primitive levels. However, some key is always available to start a quick attachment. Of course, some individuals are more susceptible than others. A love bomber is an expert at finding out what a person needs and giving those things in abundance. Anything can be said or offered since there is no “real” in the relationship. Love bombers are like politicians. They can promise you anything, but false promises are just that.
An even more dangerous form of love bombing is what I call “compound love bombing,” where the bomber also actively plans how to manipulate the victim. For instance, a male love bomber may create a situation to isolate his female victim by taking them to an isolated “romantic” location. He can exert more control over his victim to achieve his objective there. Naturally, such an offer will be presented as a loving gesture rather than what it is.
Let’s look at a classic love bomb situation. In this example, I’ll explore a female who love bombs a male, as most of the examples that you will find on the internet involve males who love bomb females.
A female love bomber will exploit the vulnerabilities of the male victim, and that will vary, but let’s assume a classic approach. The female bomber will be overly interested in the victim, interested in what they have to say, giving them endless validation, interested in their interests, and fascinated by their conversation and opinions. The female love bomber will do things to isolate the victim from others. This could be physical isolation (always being with the victim) or emotional isolation by subtly devaluing the victim’s friends or family. The female love bomber will shower the victim with compliments, telling them that they are sexy, fantastic lovers, like no other man that they have ever known before, and of course, the “twin flame” gambit, that they are soul mates.
Female love bombers may create a sense of excess by always being available or add unavailability to create desperation. They will not only shower the victim with attention but may also add acts of service. These acts of service are customized to the needs of the victim. A lonely bachelor may respond to gourmet meals or endless and exciting sex, whereas a married man could react to spontaneous fun and lack of any responsibility. This last point bears noting. Since the bomber is just interested in their needs (while claiming that they are there to meet the victim’s needs), they have no concern over the destruction of the victim’s life. They are not thinking about the victim’s marriage or the carnage that their actions could cause him.
A side note: Do you know that affairs only result in a 2% rate of lasting marriage with the affair partner? A small percentage of affairs result in a marriage, and the vast majority of those marriages end in divorce. That 2% doesn’t mean those marriages are good; it just means the couple has remained legally married. The actual rate of a successful long-term marriage with an affair partner is less than 2%!
As stated above, sometimes the victim is used up and discarded. At other times, the relationship cycles between a honeymoon period, tension, arguments/breakup, reconciliation, and back to the honeymoon.
If there is no ulterior motive, such as financial or status gains, the bomber is likely looking to fill a gap in their defective personality. They may like the hormonally giddy feelings of “being in love.” They may be looking for someone to complete them (which is not possible) emotionally or to fill them physically/sexually so they can feel alive. They may just like the power of having complete control over another person. All of this is artificial and will end badly for the victim.
The victim gets trapped and addicted to all of the emotional and physical attention. It is exactly like a drug, and just like a drug, the high is impossible to replicate in a genuine love situation. If this is a cyclic love bomb, The victim winds up “walking on eggshells.” Confused, depressed, upset.
If the victim had been married at the start of the attack, it is possible that the love bomb and the resultant behavior of the victim will end the marriage. Most certainly, the marriage will be severely damaged. If they are single, their confidence and sense of self will be damaged. The victim always leaves with the short end of the stick.
Remember that the love bomber aims to control you by getting you to fall for them as quickly as possible. The sooner they can do this, the greater the reward for them.
But what about real love? Real soulmates? Can real love be confused with love bombing? Is it possible to have love at first sight? Perhaps, but there are significant differences. Real romantic love may start with hormonal love but builds with time. What is this person like over an extended time? How are they when you can’t meet their needs but you are in a crisis? What are their real flaws (we all have them)? If things are moving very quickly, slow down, set limits, and reassess. Remember, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
Compound Love Bombing
I mentioned this above. This is when a person loves bombs based on their pathology, but they also add deliberate manipulation and planning to reach their goal. They actively plot to gain control of the other person. This type of love bombing is even more dangerous and destructive.
Industrialized Love Bombing
Love bombing can be manualized as a very effective way to control others. Sexual predators use love bombing as part of their grooming of young victims. “Booty Bandits” use love bombing combined with intimidation and withdrawal of attention to “turn out” younger naive prisoners and create “punks” to meet their sexual needs. Cults use love bombing to convert needy or lonely people into cult members.
One of the most recent methods to weaponize love bombing is catfishing individuals over the internet. Like all forms of love bombing, the goal is to gain something from the victim at the expense of the victim. There are many cases where victims blinded by “love” destroy their marriages or go into financial ruin.
These perpetrators are usually men who assume the script and persona of another person. Since everything is fake, they can play anything from a supermodel to a handsome leading man. They steal images off the internet (Instagram is a favorite spot) and use elaborate plot lines to trap their victims. They often start as interested and invested and quickly escalate to statements of love along with the usual soulmate lines. Their attentiveness and loving behavior may last weeks or months before they strike. Initially, they may ask the victim for a small amount of money for a temporary crisis. Once the victim gives in, the demands for money escalate.
Anyone looking at the process from the outside would immediately recognize that the victim was being scammed, but the process is usually so calculated that the victim frequently denies this obvious reality and eventually sends massive amounts of cash via bitcoins or untraceable gift cards to a person whom they have never met.
The contrast between the victim and the made-up love interest is often startling. Middle aged, plain-looking women think they are being wooed by the actor Brad Pit, or out-of-shape elderly men are convinced that a supermodel loves them. There is always the promise that the next infusion of cash will result in the bomber and the victim finally meeting to start their eternal life of happiness. Sometimes, the deal is sweetened by the promise that the love bomber is incredibly rich but doesn’t have access to their bank account. Sometimes, the relationship is peppered with phone sex and innuendo; at other times, money pleas are made to pay for an imagined illness or crisis. In the end, the victim is left just like they are in an individual love bombing: alone, empty, depressed, and often destroyed.
Today’s post was a little different than many of my posts and is in contrast to posts where I listed how the alienation of affection can destroy a person’s confidence and self-esteem. Here, the artificial use of fake love can be equally destructive. Remember, if you think you are falling in love with the perfect someone and it almost seems too good to be true, it probably is. Stop, slow down, listen to your family and friends, take your time. Love bombers eventually reveal who they are over time.
Peace
Mike
