Most personality traits have two sides, one positive and the other negative. Those sides may be equal, vary over time, or one side may be significantly exaggerated compared to the other. For example, you can have a trait that has mostly negative consequences or mostly positive consequences. In contrast, another trait may be more balanced, being positive in some situations, while negative in others.
Let’s say your partner is a fun, impulsive, risk-taker. A person who consistently pushes the envelope. They like expensive experiences and things. They dress in designer clothes, love top-tier restaurants, and enjoy the excitement of embarking on spontaneous trips and adventures. They may be very exciting during the early stages of your relationship, and you might view their behavior very positively. However, in the long run, as you are trying to build a future, you may find their actions to be quite the opposite. Their trait has not changed, but the situation has.
A woman may find that dating a “bad boy” is exhilarating. A man may find that a beautiful “high-maintenance” woman gives him status. However, neither may be a good choice in the long run.
Some of my traits include being someone who can become completely absorbed in a topic and who tends to overthink and over prepare. I know that in the past, this trait has aggravated my wife, who saw my scenario-building as a problem, as I was too methodical, tended to have backups of important things, and would derive solutions for issues that “could” happen, rather than those that “did” happen. That was the downside of this behavior coin. However, she also reaped the benefits of this same trait. I was the one who thought to bring cash for coffee when we were on a walk, the one who made sure that the car had enough gas and that the oil had been changed. The one who had the tools and knowledge to fix things, the planner who ensured that the bills were paid, and the person who made sure we saved for the future. That was the upside of the same coin. A coin has two sides; you can’t choose one without accepting the other.
In the above example, my wife eventually realized that this was who I was. The good outweighed the bad. In turn, I tried to be respectful of her wishes and concerns. A balance was struck.
Some traits evolve. A situation can push us into a place of discomfort, and we can actively move ourselves away from a trait that is no longer serving us. However, that is an active process. I made my living helping people do just that, and I’m here to tell you that changing even a simple behavior can be an arduous task. I may be a psychiatrist, but I am first a human being. Like anyone, I need to assess my behaviors and make adjustments as necessary. My primary goal has always been to advance myself and those close to me positively.
Let’s say that my behavior trait says, “eat that piece of cake.” I have chronic weight problems, and so I may choose to override my wish for the greater good. However, what about a behavior that has served me well throughout my life, but now needs to be modified? Enter the behavior of me never asking for help.
I can tell you where this behavior originated, but for now, I’ll just say that both my two living siblings and I exhibit this trait. It is extremely difficult, and at times impossible, for us to ask for help when we need it.
In many ways, this trait has served me well. It has made me very independent, an excellent problem solver, and it has given me confidence that I can tackle most issues as well as the next person. Despite graduating from an awful high school, I had the confidence to attend college, then graduate school, and ultimately, medical school. This confidence propelled me to become chief resident, co-found a successful clinic, and tackle projects that many would have found daunting.
However, my inability to ask for help had a downside. I wasted a lot of physical and emotional energy on trivial things that would have been simpler for others to do.
My inability to ask for help was not the result of grandiosity; instead, it was due to fear of rejection. Fear that I would be laughed at or dismissed or shamed for needing help. That was the pathological side of that coin.
My dilemma was that my inability to ask for help had positive benefits, but it was also holding me back. If I were in psychotherapy, the therapist would add deliberate exercises to push me in a direction to modify my behavior. However, I wasn’t in psychotherapy. Yes, of course, I could structure the change myself, but that would be an awkward and slow process.
In life, we are presented with numerous situations that can lead us towards a direction of change. Unfortunately, many ignore most of those opportunities.
In my case, change came with trust. Trust that I wouldn’t be ridiculed or shamed if I asked for help. Trust that the person I asked for help would actually help me.
Because I was open to change, my transformation came naturally, although it occurred slowly. It began with asking for help from my wife, and then from my kids. Often, my wishes weren’t too complicated. Simple things, like asking my wife to pick something up for me when she went to the store, or when she offered to do something for me, accepting that offer instead of saying, “Thanks, but I can do it myself.” As I became more comfortable with those actions, I also grew more comfortable asking my kids to help me. Here again, I started with simple requests, such as asking for their help with household chores. Things expanded from there. Often, my requests were for things that I could do, but didn’t have time to do.
Things were different with my friend, Tom, who has talents and abilities that I lack. Tom has helped me many times and has been a great friend. In turn, I assist him with tasks where I have greater strength.
With family, there may be a specific expectation for cooperation. However, that is not the case with a friend. For me, allowing Tom to help me also has two sides. It makes me feel uncomfortable, as I’m usually the one who helps others in most situations. I also want him to know that I value him as a person more than as someone who can do things for me. Still, it also feels wonderful at the same time to have someone willing to go above and beyond for me. Allowing someone to help me gives both of us greater value. There is a stronger connection and a deeper meaning to the relationship. We are social animals, and anything that builds connections with others strengthens both parties.. When a helper helps another person, the world becomes just a bit better.
Our need for help goes beyond physical actions. For instance, it is unlikely that I would ask my sisters to do a physical project for me, but I may need their advice or simply their ear to listen to me when I’m having a bad day.
We live in a black and white society that has ever moved to the extreme. Let me use an ice cream example. I love ice cream. Having some after dinner makes me very happy. However, eating an entire carton makes me feel physically and emotionally unwell.
The same could be said of asking for help. Some people are always asking for help, even for things that are well within their abilities. For them, asking for help is a lazy way to avoid responsibility. This behavior does not promote anything healthy. It is an abuse.
As with most things, being balanced and thoughtful is the solution. Reviewing one’s actions and behaviors is often the key to progress. Asking for help is not a get-out-of-jail-free card for life’s responsibilities.
I know that I will continue to be as self-reliant as possible; that is who I am. However, my ability to ask for help has made my life better and has improved my connection with others. I’m grateful that I have been able to make this change.
Do you have problems asking for help, or the opposite, asking others to do jobs that you are wholly capable of doing yourself? Do you want to change this behavior? Do you have other traits that you would like to modify? Remember, every journey starts with a single step, but to get to your destination, you need to keep walking.
Peace,
Mike
