Our family practices an old-fashioned habit that seems lost in today’s busy society, the family dinner. Anyone who is home will gather at 6 PM and eat together. If I’m the main cook, this tradition expands further as I involve the kids in both meal preparation and cleanup.
We have always been careful about how much we schedule our kids. They have been involved in activities, but we consider family time more important than extracurriculars.
Our dinners have a rhythm, and some of that involves rules. Cell phones are banned at the dinner table, and we always do a conversation starter called “rose and thorn,” where we go around the table, and each person reports on the good and less-than-good things that happened to them that day. Rose and thorn often happens during the “who wants tea” portion of our dinner. What is that? It is a silly tradition where one of us, often me, will ask the table, “Who wants tea?” This is towards the end of our meal, and everyone who wants a cup of tea raises their hand. I know that everyone will want a cup, but I won’t give them one unless their hand is raised. Sometimes silly traditions are the most fun, even when they are wholly ridiculous.
A dessert usually accompanies tea time. Often a marginal one, like packaged cookies, more rarely something specially baked or purchased. Tea time extends our time and conversation together.
Many of our conversations are insignificant; their purpose is simply to connect. Additionally, information can be exchanged. “How late are you working tomorrow?” “What time do I need to pick you up from the train?” “Don’t forget to get a gallon of milk when you go to the store!” …and so forth.
However, we also engage in philosophical and intellectual topics. If our entire family is seated at the table, experts in psychology, medicine, science, technology, and education are available. We all have opinions, which can lead to a lively discussion.
Recently, over tea, Julie mentioned she had just read a paper on a particular aspect of human behavior and its impact on social behavior. This led me to say that it seems we are de-evolving traits that were once useful, which prompted my son, our expert in evolution, to take offense at my use of “de-evolution,” since evolution always moves forward. I tried to defend my position, but I had to yield to our expert.
However, this led us down a path that drew on all our expertise: the impact of technology on happiness.
What makes people happy? First, let’s get the obvious out of the way. To live a happy, creative life, most of us must have our basic needs met. I’m talking about things like food and shelter. Generally, in our society, those needs are met in one way or another.
However, signs of unhappiness are rampant and on the rise. Anxiety and depression are at epidemic proportions. In fact, sertraline, an antidepressant, is in the top ten of all prescribed medications in 2025.
What about relationship issues? A recent Pew study found that 50% of us are single and that 37% of people aged 18-29 don’t date. Nearly 40% of individuals at their prime dating age have given up on dating! The reasons for this are multifaceted. Some are focused on careers; others are dealing with financial instability; still others are exhausted and fed up with rejection from dating apps. Lastly, others no longer see an advantage to having a partner. These changes are beyond significant: they are radically different from social norms that have endured for thousands of years and warrant their own discussion. This is further compounded by the current divorce rate of almost 50%. Marriage can mean financial and emotional stability, but divorce can mean financial and emotional ruin. In the past, a significant marker of adulthood was marriage; that is no longer the case.
Many factors contribute to personal unhappiness, including societal, environmental, and genetic variables. But does our lack of social connection have an impact? Intuition would say yes, and data backs this up.
Numerous studies have examined this topic, but the most famous is The Harvard Study of Adult Development. This study has been ongoing for the last 80 years and tracks the traits that lead to longer, happier lives. There is one factor that is more important than social class, financial stability, fame, IQ, and even genes. That factor affects not only happiness but also physical health. What is that factor? It is close social connections. Those connections can exist in many forms, but traditionally they have involved a partnership or marriage.
We are driven to have close social connections. Evolutionarily, a close connection between a man and woman could mean a higher rate of infant survival. Societally, there are numerous benefits for people working together. One reason that we tend to form tribes is to forge connections with others. Those tribes can be based on many factors. What is your religious tribe? What is your social tribe? What is your economic tribe? Tribes increase their members’ success and, in turn, the probability of their infants’ survival. Infant survival means that individuals will pass on their genetic material to the next generation. This is the prime evolutionary goal.
Is it any surprise that social connection would have a direct link to personal happiness and health? No, they all work in concert to evolve the human species.
As times have changed, it has become more challenging to form meaningful connections with others. The methods and rules for creating solid couple relationships are now vastly different from the past and often confusing.
Other social connections have also become more difficult. Workplace environments are focused on interacting with machines, including computers, rather than interacting with co-workers. People are less likely to join fraternal organizations or attend churches. Even minor social interactions are challenged. The self-checkout machine at your grocery store doesn’t greet you as a cashier would have in the past.
Our need to interact with others is also waning. Why should I go to a department store and interact with a salesperson when I can get the same product with just a few clicks of my computer? Getting dinner used to mean cooking it at home with family, then going out to dinner, then driving to a drive-through; now ordering that food on a computer and having someone drop it off anonymously at my door.
When home computers became commonplace, it was thought they would be a boon to the socially isolated, as they could find connections online. When Facebook became popular, it was promoted as a way to stay in touch with loved ones. Cell phones made it possible to communicate with a friend anywhere in the world at a moment’s notice.
In reality, computers promote isolation rather than connection. Facebook and other social media have become selling platforms, not connection platforms. Go to any gathering to witness people poking at their phones instead of talking to each other.
Children learn how to navigate life through play. They increase their creativity, develop relationships, and resolve conflicts through this action. Play is a critical part of human development. What happens when you stick a kid on an iPad that offers instant gratification and zero accountability? Is it any wonder teachers call some kids “iPad kids?” These children can’t delay gratification, have short attention spans, and become enraged when they don’t get their way. How about that kid who is in a million after school activities? Everything is scheduled and curated for them, making it harder to navigate the ups and downs of the real world. Just to be clear, I support having some extracurricular activities, but I believe in balance in all things.
We all have different social needs. Some need a hundred friends, others only a few, and rarely are there those individuals who need none. However, they are the exception rather than the rule.
Remember basic biology. Our actions and behaviors drive evolutionary changes, and those changes increase our chances of surviving as a species. That is our driving force. Current technologies and practices have supplanted basic needs. Like saccharine, they offer to replace, but they are poor substitutes.
Advertisers have recognized an opportunity in this social change, and so they encourage it. As we have become dependent on social media and para-social connections, those things can be used to make us feel dissatisfied with our lives while offering a solution. Not happy? Buy a designer purse! Feeling lonely? Become a “general” in an online video game! Dissatisfied with your life or situation? No need to look at ways to improve it; instead, find a group of similarly unhappy people to commiserate with!
The reasons for this new unhappiness are clear, but the old solutions will either need to be modified or changed as we have moved past many of them. However, it is simple to take baby steps, and many involve putting down technology, even if only for a little while. Simple options like no tech at dinnertime or making an effort to ask each member of a group how they are doing can be a start. Say hello to a neighbor on a walk, do a kind deed for someone else, or get involved in a social activity. It makes sense to reduce a young child’s exposure to technology, and to reasonably limit extracurricular activities for older kids. I’m not talking in absolutes here, I’m talking about reduction.
Our most significant connections are typically with our life partners, and I think that topic deserves its own post. I’m concerned that some of my opinions may be misinterpreted and could anger some. Oh well, let’s see if I have the courage to write further about this topic. Stay tuned.
Peace
Mike
