It is 5:30 in the morning, and I sit and type.  Five-thirty may sound early to you, but I actually slept in today, as my normal wake time is 3:50 AM.  A very early wake time, signifying a change in my life, a change that involved risk.

I’m getting older and I’m examining my life carefully. I’m getting older and I’m asking myself the big questions.  The questions that are big for me, anyway.

I have never been much of a risk taker.  I tend to be a plodder.  I tend to play it safe.  I’m one of those people who may look on the surface as someone who pushes the envelope, but I really don’t.

I do things that I feel that I have a reasonable chance at succeeding at.  I will take on a project, like creating a complicated website, even when I don’t know the first thing about web design.  My arrogance tells me that if someone else can do it, so can I. I will teach myself photography, or how to play a musical instrument, or how to bake bread, for the same reasons.  Yesterday my wife told me that I’m good at everything that I do.  That may be true, but what about the things that I choose not to do?

There are somethings that I have done in life that have felt risky to me.  Leaving graduate school on the pipe dream of becoming a physician was one of them.  It felt foolish and crazy at the time.  It felt like I was throwing my carefully calculated future away.  But it was not a true risk, as I felt compelled to apply.  Directed by what I felt was my Higher Power.  As a doubting Thomas I recall the regret that I felt when I sent in my medical school applications. Each application felt like a nail in the coffin of my prior plan of becoming a university professor.  My Higher Power reassured me by flooding me with medical school interviews. Every school, sans one, wanted to talk to me.  It was as if God was letting me know that when He wants me to do something He will stand by me, and make it happen.  I remember how many of the different school interviewers commented that they were moved by my personal statement.  A writing that just flowed out of me, without much thought or reflection.  Another God thing, I suppose.

A year ago I took a risk.  Major for me, trivial for most; I joined a gym. I avoided physical activity all of my life.  I have been told that I’m clumsy, weak, and physically inadequate.  By avoiding physical activity, I didn’t have to face my perceived limitations.  I joined a gym, but with the gentle hand holding of a friend who walked me through each step of the way. A friend who intuitively sensed my high level of fear and discomfort.  Although it felt like a great personal victory, I never would have accomplished it without my friend’s help.  So, was joining a gym a risks?  On reflection, it is hard to say.

Yesterday at 5 AM I sat with the same friend  in his office.  We are working on personal improvement plans.  We have been working on them for months, as you can only do such things in small bites.  In some areas I have no problems coming up with a plan of action for myself.  Yet, in others I am utterly immobilized.  Risky things.

Yesterday afternoon I decided to tackle a project that I had been dreading.  I have a room in my basement that has become a storage room.  It is filled with things that hold my interest.  Photography equipment, electronics, musical instruments, camping gear, old computers… the list goes on.  The room had fallen into complete disarray after I dug around  for a few things needed for some creative projects. As I worked on the mess I realized how fortunate I am.  If I have an interest I have the ability to indulge myself. I have so much cool stuff, tools that could help me grow as a person for years to come. But the cleanup also made me sad.  The room represented so many of my aspirations.  Yes, I am a photographer, but I want to be better, more creative, more inspired.  Yes, I can knock out a tune on a guitar, but my skill is static, and I never seem to find the time to practice and improve. A room filled with hope, somewhat dashed because of my inability to take risks.

I mentioned to Julie that I had been working on a self-improvement project with Tom.  “Don’t you think you should clue me in as it will affect me?” she said. I told her that my goal was to become more authentic, more real, more true to who I really am.  She replied, “That is very Benet Brown.”  It may be, but my desire to change isn’t from reading the latest psychotherapy guru, it is a natural evolution that is erupting from deep inside of me.

So who am I reader, and how am I different from the persona that I portray to others?  That is a difficult question for me to answer.  My external persona is indeed me, but only a part of me.  A sub-part, so to speak.  There are many other pieces of me that have been shielded and consciously buried.

I have been exploring the rough and tumble me. The part that enjoys using a choice expletive for the sheer exhilaration of doing it. The part of me that wants to build things with my hands, go camping, get muddy.

There is the free spirit part of me that wants to embrace unstructured free time, and not feel guilty that I’m not being productive enough.

There is another part of me that wants to break down barriers, and form true close connections with others.  I have lived a life of service, and most of my connections are based on doing service for others.  I’m trying to change that by being more real, but I fear that my intensity will scare people away. Are there people who could tolerate the always thinking, always intense, always obsessive, always somewhat different, always enthusiastic, always problem solving me? I like doing service for others, but there are times that I would like someone to take care of me.  Do I deserve to be taken care of?

I’m trying to allocate time for myself. I am exploring new activities and behaviors. I am exploring new ways to connect.  On the surface those close to me tell me that these are good things, but the stronger subtext is that I have changed, and that I should return to my former style of behavior. “It’s not just me, others have commented on how you have changed,” I’m told.

I am told that people have noticed that I’m acting differently, swearing more, less obsessively concerned about placing the needs of others before mine.  I am asked why I have to go to the gym, hang out with a friend, have a certain level or order around me, or a handful of other things that were out-of-character for me.  But these are, or have become, my true character. I wonder, can those people around me not only tolerate my change, but also embrace it and celebrate it? System Theory says that change can be difficult, but it is possible.

I am determined to not return to behavior as usual.  I battle to move forward, and to be true to myself.  We are only given so much time on this planet.

I won’t bother you with the goals that I developed for myself in my personal improvement plan.  I will tell you that one goal is especially daunting for me.  Every time I think of making the smallest movement on it I immediately panic and retreat. It is possible that my ambivalence is a sign that I should just let go of that goal.  It is possible that I’m immobilized by the fear of moving on it.  It is possible that I want too much, or my goal is too lofty.  Perhaps, I need to simply accept where I am at, and be done with the agony of indecision.  

When I am in such a state of uncertainty my only option has been to pray for guidance. If you are so inclined, I would appreciate your prayers too.

Today my goal is to live bravely, fully, and authentically.  It is a goal that is harder than you could possibly imagine.

New Year’s Eve is changing for us.

I have long since given up on parties and celebrations for New Year’s Eve. Instead, this year we celebrated our family Christmas on December 31st, as we were away on the actual holiday.

A simple, but nice, dinner of a turkey breast, corn casserole, tossed salad, store-bought tortellini, fresh strawberries, and my homemade 100% whole wheat bread. Julie tried to include a favorite dish for each family member. Then it was time to open presents that were a week overdue.

I told Julie that I didn’t want any gifts for Christmas, but some items still found their way into my pile.  Gym socks, a couple T-shirts, an apple slicer, and a new Oxo garlic press.

One daughter disappeared into her room reading, another went to a movie and then downtown with friends, my son went to a friend’s get-together. We were essentially on our own.  The first time on New Year’s in 19 years.

Scanning Netflix, there was little to offer.  A well rated movie was streamed, but turned off after 20 minutes.  Too depressing, too dark, just too.

Neither Julie nor I had the desire to search through dozens of movie icons and descriptions.  We found White Christmas and settled on it, as we had just watched Holiday Inn on the real Christmas Day, that we celebrated with the Nelson Clan a week earlier.  We thought it would be interesting to compare two movies whose theme song was the same Irving Berlin classic.

Hokey, thin plot line, and filled the optimism that the early 1950s radiated; Julie thought it slow moving, I thought it charming, in an old fashion way.

It was not yet 11 PM. and I was ready for bed.  Julie decided to stay up until the kids were safely back home.

Now it is New Year’s day.  I woke later than usual and here I sit drinking coffee and eating an apple that has been quartered (with knife, not apple slicer) and liberally spread with peanut butter… and typing this post.

2017 is here, what will it bring?  2017 is here, what will I contribute to the world this year?  2017 is here, time marches on.

Today my goal is to attempt to savor and celebrate each day in 2017, I will realize that each day is a gift that will not be given twice.

Now off I go on a walk with a DSLR on my shoulder.  Symbolic of my continued goals for the new year, for my new life.  Welcome 2017!

Hi everyone, here is Dr. Julie’s and my recent podcast on why I  gave up sugar.  As always, this is my personal opinion.

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A sugar free Christmas

I love sugar.  In fact, if you would have asked me a year ago what my favorite foods were they would mostly be refined sugar-based.  Ice cream, cookies, jams, donuts, the sugar list went on and on.

In November of 2015 I did my best to give up foods that were mostly vehicles for refined sugar.  Despite my love of sugar, I felt that it was causing me harm.  I was dealing with the impact of inflammatory disease, I was always achy, and tired, and I felt dull.

Was it difficult to give up sugar around the 2015 holiday season?  Of course it was, but less difficult than it could have been as I was charged up with the idea, and enthusiastic about the potential results.  In addition, I was still gaining weight in an already obese body. I knew that Thanksgiving and Christmas would only compound that problem.  In 2015 I actually lost weight at Christmastime, a first for me.

I have kept up with my abstinence, and I have seen many benefits.  As my tastebuds readjusted, vegetables started to taste good again.  As I started to feel less achy, it was easier to exercise.  I lost a lot of weight, my energy level improved,  I felt better and clearer.

After a while I forgot how sick I had felt, and  I had to remind myself on a regular basis that refined sugar was not a friend that I could revisit.  With careful planning and lifestyle change I moved forward.  And then there was Christmas.

This year we traveled to Minnesota to celebrate the holiday with my wife’s family.  The week before we left my wife started baking and cooking.  Homemade poundcake, several different types of cookies, cake candy balls, almond bark coated Chex Mix.  Foods that usually only appear once a year.  I resisted.

We arrived at the Petersons on Christmas Eve.  Julie brought most of the things that she baked, which were added to the large cache of sweet items already there.

Every meal included various desserts, quick breads or other tasty morsels.  Each vying for my eye.

I found it difficult to resist, but I knew if I would go down the sugar rabbit hole it would take me a month or more to regain “sobriety.” I did have a few unintentional slips.  The jello salad that found its way on my plate, and a baked oatmeal dish that was more akin to rice pudding than oatmeal.  However, I white knuckled it through the weekend, and here I sit on the Tuesday after Christmas and I am so very glad that I didn’t succumb to the tremendous temptations that were presented before me.

I did the best that I could, not perfect, but good enough.  My diet was off, but manageable.  I survived.

Today my goal is to celebrate the fact that I didn’t relapse on sugar and to accept the fact that often being less than perfect can still be good enough.

My next podcast will be on lifestyle and its impact on emotional and physical wellbeing.  It will be posted New Year’s Day.  Check it out.

Here is the podcast that I just did with my wife, Dr. Julie, on reducing holiday stress.

I don’t like buying clothes, I really don’t.  I have many reasons for this, some going all the way back to childhood.  In 6th grade I started to gain weight and my clothes became tight.  I had very few clothes and getting new items was a big deal.  I remember my mother taking me to someone’s basement who sold seconds.  I remember that person measuring me and using the word “husky.”  It was not complementary.

But, dear readers something has happened to me, I lost weight.  None of my shirts, pants or belts fit and I have been forced to do the unthinkable, buy clothes.

My early attempts have been at places like Walmart.  I liked the anonymity of the big box, but the quality was just not there.  I want things that I can wear and wear, and in the long run cheap stuff  looks worse and costs more.

I have bought somethings on-line, especially if I can get them on a super sale.  Unfortunately, I now know that a large in one brand is not a large in another brand. I have yet to acquire the ability to send things back.

This has left me with shopping at a “men’s store.”  In someways there is comfort there.  Stylish salesmen with tape measure around their necks, and a look of authority in their eyes.  The first time that I went the salesman just looked at me and knew what size I was.  Plop went a few shirts with matching ties on a counter… they actually fit!

Recently, I was lured back by a Super Clearance, Black Friday, Pre-Christmas sale.  Now, I’m not exactly sure what all of that means in money terms, but it was enough to get me to go to the store.  In addition, I had been craftily emailed a coupon worth $50.

Plop went a couple of shirts and ties on the counter.  The new salesman commented how versatile the various combos would be.  50% off on the shirts, and also some sort of clearance price.  My intellect told me that these shirts were marked up so that they could be marked down.  My gut said.. well I bought the shirts.

Since I now go to the gym almost every workday I pack my dress clothes and change into them after I shower.  To compound matters, my wife has taken to using the dry cleaner to wash and iron my shirts.  They comeback all clean and starched.  I only pay attention to them when I’m putting them on.. and so it was today with my new white shirt.

I ran on a treadmill, took a hot shower, brushed my teeth, and shaved.  Life was proceeding normally.  I took my shirt out of its bag and started to put it on.  I was met with French Cuffs.  French Cuffs are folded and secured with cufflinks.  I don’t have cufflinks, in fact the only time I use them is when I wear a tuxedo.  Translation: very rarely, and the tux rental store supplies them.

On my way to work, long French Cuffs, no cufflinks… crap!

I must have been moaning or wailing or something because my friend Tom heard me from another room and came to help.  His, “roll your sleeves up and look contemporary and casual” was  creative, but perhaps a bit too relaxed for my doctorly role.   My continued despair then brought the attention of Hasek (sp).

“Mike, do you need cufflinks?

“Yes!”

“I have a spare pair that I can lend you.”

“Can you show me how to put them in?”

“Of course.”

As I write this I am well “cufflinked” and doctorly.

The kindness and concern of others always warms me.  Tom, with his creative solution.  Hasek (sp) with his spare pair of cufflinks (what is the chance of that?) and his willingness to “dress” me.

Today my goal is to celebrate the kind and helpful people in my life.  I will also buy a cheap pair of cufflinks on Amazon.

Happy Thanksgiving

Today, Thursday, we celebrate Thanksgiving in the US. For me it is a day of reflection and a day of gratitude.

I have so many things to be thankful for.  The list is endless. At the moment I am thankful that I was able to jog to my local Starbucks and afford a cup of coffee.

But I am most thankful for the people in my life. I am a shy introvert, but people have found me and loved me. I have many flaws, but they kid me about them instead of ridiculing me because of them. They celebrate my odd quirks, instead of telling me that I’m pathological. They accept my aging looks, rather than finding better looking connections. They value my talents, rather than making me feel like I have to hide them less I make them feel bad. They love me for my intrinsic self, not what they think I should be.

I am thankful.

Last night I went to the Fermilab Physics Slam.  I had missed a few years, not out of wanting, but because the program was sold out.  

You might think it odd that a physics show would be sold out.  You might think it odd that kids were present in abundance.  This isn’t some physics demonstration pretending to be a magic act, it is real physics science distilled into its essence.  Simplified, but not dumbed down.  World class physicists, each given 10 minutes to explain incredibly complex topics.

There were retirees in the audience.  There were single people and families too.  I loved the fact that there were young adults and children there.  About a quarter of the audience stood when the MC asked for those 18 and younger.  Among them two rows from the Illinois Mathematics and Science Academy, my daughter Kathryn’s former high school.

All of this on a Friday night before the Thanksgiving holiday.  There were so many other things that they could have been doing: hanging out with friends, playing video games, snapchatting… but they were at the Physics Slam.

I was there with my wife and my son Will.  My daughter Grace had elected to go to a dance instead.  A dance sponsored by the Latin (as in ancient language) club that she belongs to.  As I write this I realize how bookish my family sounds.  If that is the case, so be it.  We are who we are, and hopefully there is a place at the table for all of us, no matter how superficially different we appear from each others.

Along for the ride was my friend Tom, his 8 year old son and his son’s friend.  I wasn’t so worried about Tom, but I was a bit concerned if talks on particle physics could hold the attention of two young kids.  They did fine, they even appeared interested.

For those of you who don’t know it, Fermilab is the largest particle accelerator in the United States. At one time it was the largest particle accelerator in the world. Particle physics explores the tiny particles that make up the most elementary parts of matter.  Molecules like water are formed by elements, stuff like hydrogen and oxygen.  Elements consist of unique atoms (like an oxygen atom or carbon atom), and atoms are formed by subatomic particles (like electrons, neutrons and protons).  You may recall this from school.  However, there are other subatomic particles that you may not have heard about, some proven just a few years ago.  These tiny units of matter can be formed in an endless series of ways, and create everything physical, including us!

As the brilliant physicists talked it became clear how much they understood, but it was even clearer how much they didn’t know.  For example we still don’t understand what gravity is, something that we encounter every second of every day.  

The bulk of the universe is  not made of the materials that we see around us, it is made up of dark matter and dark energy.  We have very little knowledge of these things, but they are slowly taking over our universe.  

One scientist talked about a project designed to  capture a tiny particle called a neutrino, and to see if that particle would decay into a different type of neutrino.  If  successful it may show that the model, called the standard model, that we use to understand all of the physical properties of the universe may be incorrect.   In other words, if the experiment is  successful it will thrown the physics world on its head.  We know so much, yet we know so little.

When I was younger I did well with my studies.  I scored high on my tests.  I thought I knew everything that was important to know.  I thought I knew all of the basic information necessary to explain everything. That security didn’t last.

I kept on learning.  I kept on thinking.  I kept on exploring.  The more I did this, the more I realized how little I understood.  There were always new ways to think about things.  There were always new things to learn.  There were always new problems to solve.

What about the complex interplay between physical science and everything else.  What is life?  Why are somethings living and some not?  What is death?  Do we have a purpose, a reason for being?  Everything that we learn about seems to have an order, a set of rules, a purpose.  The universe leaves nothing to chance, why would we be left to chance? Are we part of something greater than ourselves? If so, what is it?

This, of course, brings up the topic of God.  A topic that seems safer to discuss on a little read blog like this one.

Our solar system and planet are young in universe time.  We have had at least 5 mass extinctions on this planet. The reign of the mammal, and consequently the reign of the human has been incredibly short.  Think about the advancement that we have made in the last 200 years. Think about the exponential increase in knowledge that we have had in the last 20 years. Ever escalating, ever moving forward.  Things that were unimaginable when I was born are in everyday use today.  A young planet, a very young species, and a few accomplishments.

It is popular to be an atheist nowadays.  I always ask new patients if they have any religious or spiritual beliefs.  As the years go by more say, “No.”  I felt similarly when I thought I knew everything, when I thought science was the true god.  I think differently now.

In our short time existing in this universe we have made great strides.  Think of the vast number of galaxies in our universe, and the even larger number of solar systems, stars and planets.  Is it possible that life exists elsewhere?  To think otherwise seems ludicrous.  Is it possible that that some life could be so much more advanced than ours as to have godlike powers?  Although theoretical, I would certainly say yes.  Let’s be honest, there is no way that we are top dog in the universe.  Could an advanced intelligence exist before our universe?  Why not.  We know that the universe was born out of a small singularity almost 14 billion years ago.  What existed before that?  

Does that intelligence(s) have a vested interest in us?  Now we are talking about faith.  My life’s course has led me to believe that it does.  You are left to your own beliefs.

There are many religions on this planet, and in the name of God many terrible crimes have been committed.  Humans have the ability to subvert, and that subversion uses whatever is available  to achieve an end. The name of God has been used to control behavior, hate others and start wars.  Subversion.  

Although I feel religion can be helpful to focus on a Spiritual life, it is a tool not an end to itself.

What I am talking about is my acceptance that there are powers much greater than me, and that those powers have an interest in me as an individual.  It is a wonderfully comforting thought that holds reality for me.  For me, God is not an “opium for the masses,” God is a reality, just like gravity is a reality.  Gravity exists despite the fact that the greatest minds on the planet can’t explain it.

The Fermilab Physics Slam impressed me with the genius of humankind. It showed me how much we know, and it also demonstrated how little we know.  Our minds are limited but ever expanding.  Today I will celebrate this truth.  I will also find comfort in the knowledge that I’m not alone.  A matter of faith perhaps, but isn’t most of life that?

When I left my house for the gym at 4:20 AM, it was crystal clear outside.  When I left the gym to have coffee with a friend, it was crystal clear outside. When I left that meeting and drove to my office the world was enveloped in fog.

It was a dense, thick fog.  White with a slight bluish tinge.  Creamy and homogenous.  It was beautiful.

Fog can make  things look softer.  Fog can make noise sound quieter.  Today’s fog did all of that, but was absent of the cold wetness that some fog can bring.

As I write this the fog is starting to leave.  The park across the street from my office now looks more misty than foggy.  Soon my view will be clear again.  Objects in sharp focus, identifiable and measurable. The mystery of the morning gone.

I wonder if we always have to see things in crystal clarity.  Sometimes a foggy view can be a pleasant change. A change to a softer, quieter reality.

In a healthy significant relationship I love unconditionally.

Love is a term that everyone thinks they understand, but it can have many different meanings.  I may love a great movie, but that is totally different than the love that I can feel towards a significant relationship.  Within any relationship there may be different kinds of love.

I know individuals who believe that love will solve all of their relationship problems.  This, of course, is not the case.  I also am aware that some people feel that love should be effortless and automatic.  Like most things of value, love requires work  and attention.

I want to love the significant relationships in my life unconditionally, and without restriction. I want the significant relationships in my life to love me unconditionally, and without restriction.  With that said, unconditional love is not a get out of jail free card.

By unconditional love I am referring to love that is not given or taken away based on conditions or expectations.  Unconditional love means that I love my relationships because they are worthy of my love based on who they are intrinsically. My love for a relationship is not contingent on a what have you done for me lately basis.

I am responsible for my behaviors and actions, and my significant relationships are responsible for theirs. It is possible for me to unconditionally love a relationship and still be upset about an action or behavior that they are displaying.  It is healthy to have an open line of communications with my relationships in which I can discuss both positive and negatives aspects of our connections.  It is necessary to work with my relationships on rough spots in our connections if I expect those connections to deepen and flourish.  

Today my goal to to unconditionally love the significant relationships in my life.