In February 2024 this website crashed for no apparent reason. Despite using professionals at GoDaddy.com it was impossible to restore anything after October 2021 (over 100 posts). I do have many of those post in draft form (no final edit or photos) and I have decided to repost them in that manner. I apologize for typos and other errors. How do I feel about losing all of my original work? Life goes on.
As long as I have owned Violet the campervan I have wanted to travel to Quartzite, Arizona to attend a huge van dweller rally called the RTR. However, something has always stopped me. This year I am determined to go, but I’m experiencing some internal resistance so I thought I would write about it. When I put my fears right out there in public they seem less scary. Thankfully, I no longer feel that I need to be perfect to get acceptance from others. My view is to accept me as I am, and if you can’t…have a nice day.
I’m not a novelty seeker, I’m a planner and I’m now in the early stages of implementing some of those plans. At this point, I have had Violet services at the Dodge dealership, and I have started to charge a myriad of devices that range from a Bluetooth speaker to a battery-operated WaterPik. These gadgets have permanent residence in Violet’s storage compartments. Additionally, I have started a list of the things (mostly food) that I’ll need to buy in the next week.
I have camped in all sorts of situations. Campgrounds, National Parks, church parking lots, rest stops, and the wilderness to name a few. However, Quartzite presents new challenges. Quartzite is a tiny town on the Arizona/California border that doesn’t offer many amenities. Any type of shopping is at least one hour away. The big draw of Quartzite is that it is surrounded by desert BLM land (Bureau of Land Management). This barren land is free to camp on, a perfect place for a rally. However, it is completely undeveloped. Not only will I need to bring all groceries and water I’ll also have to generate my own power. More importantly, there will be no bathrooms. When I have camped on government land in the past I would simply employ the “cathole” method. However, that will not be possible as I will likely have camping neighbors. I will need to come up with a solution to this basic problem. Additionally, I will have to camp several miles away from the actual rally. I’m thinking of bringing along my bicycle. This also presents additional challenges. Lastly, I will be traveling in season extremes. I’ll need to pack both winter clothing and summer clothing.
All of the above stresses me out a bit but these issues are solvable. However, I still have some anxiety and resistance. First, a little historical perspective. It is a fact that in the past Julie would subtly show her disapproval of me when I was away from her for too long. However, she now understands that as a senior my life could change at any moment and I would no longer be able to travel. We have been having open discussions on this topic and she assures me that it is OK for me to explore alone. Long trips in the camper are not her jam. I believe that she is being completely sincere in her willingness to accommodate my desire. So what is the problem?
If the problem isn’t logistics and if it isn’t Julie I have to look elsewhere. In this case, all I need to do is to look in the mirror. The problem is internal.
To gain insight I’ll change the scenario. When I thought about going to Quartzite many years ago I envisioned traveling with someone. Perhaps Julie in the van, or Nancy/Mike, or Tom traveling parallel. These situations didn’t generate a lot of anxiety in me. Rather they seemed fun and exciting.
Traveling solo places all burdens on me and pellets me with “what if” possibilities. What if I get stuck in the snow? What if the van breaks down? What if I can’t find a campsite? What if no one will talk to me when I get there? And so on.
I think the last “what if” is my biggest concern. I worry that I’ll go there only to be alone or unwelcome. This is an irrational fear and I know it. However, fear is fear and so I have to accept this. Naturally, I will not let this fear or my internal craziness prevent me from accomplishing what I have set out to do. However, it is hard for me.
I have spent much of my adult life challenging others’ preconceptions of me. It seemed like everyone wanted to put me in a box and define not only what I was supposed to do but who I was. I don’t easily fit into any category and I certainly don’t want to put myself into a categorical box. The way to defeat my demons is to challenge them head-on. I have become pretty good at mastering them in many aspects of my life, but interpersonal situations where I need to potentially depend on another person have always been my nemesis.
In addition, I have noticed a trend as I have aged. It does seem like I worry more than I have in the past about trivial things. My psychological training informs me that this is a normal process of aging… but to hell with that. Now that I have some time I want to live my life. I’m not ready to sit in a rocking chair and reflect. I want to make memories, not remember them. Onward and upward, one step at a time.
Peace
Mike