Earlier this year, I published a post on making banana bread using the classic Betty Crocker recipe. That recipe makes two loaves and uses buttermilk.
There are dozens of banana bread recipes, so I thought I would post another one. Why? Because this one is as simple as it gets and uses the most basic of ingredients. It is very likely that just about anyone who cooks will have the ingredients to make this single-loaf recipe.
In our home, bananas can be discarded when they are overripe. Turning them into banana bread transforms trash into treasure. A nice, thick slice can serve as a to-go breakfast. If you are single, it is easy to make a loaf and then freeze individual portions for breakfast, dessert, or a mid-afternoon coffee break.
You can dress up this recipe in a variety of ways. I added a little vanilla. Other add-ons like a handful of chocolate chips, walnuts, or dried cranberries are delicious. How about a dash of cinnamon or pumpkin pie spice? Want your own signature bread? Brown the butter or use brown sugar instead of white sugar. Want to make the recipe as simple as possible? Just follow the standard recipe. This recipe is from AllRecipes.com. Ready? Let’s go!
Oven Temp: 325F or 160C
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Mash the bananas. I’m using a hand mixer, but you can use a mixing spoon if that is all that you have.
Add the melted butter, sugar, and egg. I’m also adding around 1 teaspoon of vanilla.
Mix it all up.
In a separate bowl, mix the flour and baking soda. Note: Use baking soda, not baking powder; they are two different products.
Add the dry ingredients to the wet ones.
Mix just until combined. You will have a thick batter. Then add the salt.
Scrape down the sides of the bowl and mix in the salt.
Pour into a greased 4″ x 8″ baking pan. If you have a slightly larger loaf pan, that is OK; the loaf will just be a bit flatter. Bake at 325F for 1 hour. My oven can run hot, so I checked it after 45 minutes. The bread looked baked, but inserting a knife into the center showed it was still raw inside.
The top was already browning, and to prevent it from burning before the center was done, I covered the pan with aluminum foil and returned it to the oven.
I set a timer for 10 additional minutes and checked again… still raw in the center. It actually took about 25 additional minutes before it was fully baked. Here is the finished bread cooling on a cooking rack. It is important to test the bread to make sure that it is done. Normally, my oven bakes things a bit faster, but in this case, it took a bit longer. By checking the center with a knife, I made sure that the bread was completely baked.
There you have it, the simplest banana bread recipe that I know of. Remember, you can do any of the above additions to make it even more special. Don’t have an oven? I have a friend who makes a delicious banana bread in his rice cooker! If there is a will, there is a way.
I have been on a journey to rediscover reading for pleasure. A journey that has had many twists and turns since childhood. Like most things that I do, this rediscovery has practical implications. Let me explain.
The early issue
You may recall from previous posts that I had significant problems learning how to read. I attended a Catholic grade school in the 1960s, where learning was expected, and processing problems were not understood. At a 2nd-grade parent-teacher conference, my teacher, a nun, told my parents that she thought I was very bright, so my reading problem must be due to poor vision. She was certain that I needed glasses. This was not met with joy from my dad; glasses were expensive. However, he was a dutiful Catholic, and I was taken to the Optometrist. Honestly, I was pretty excited as my young brain completely trusted the nun’s evaluation. Soon, I would be able to read! The glasses came, and I eagerly put them on. I could not read. I was horribly disappointed. Worse, I thought my father would be furious with me. He had spent an enormous amount of money, and I was once again disappointing him. I had to do something, but what?
The real problem
When you are in 2nd grade, and your only point of reference is yourself, assessing a problem can be difficult. Being unable to read hampered my ability to research solutions. I was completely on my own. What were my observations? It was very difficult for me to define letters. I had classical reversals; b’s could look like d’s. I had a great deal of difficulty discerning individual words or sentences; “he said” looked like “hesaid,” and “It is sunny outside today” looked like “Itissunnyoutsidetoday.” I also had trouble distinguishing between lines of text because they merged into a single line without separation. When I looked at a page of text, it was one gigantic soup of symbols all bunched together, changing their shape at will.
When other kids were thinking about lunch, I was thinking about the meaning of God’s injustice or why humans fought in wars instead of cooperating with each other. In other words, I was already an odd kid who learned to hide my differences so I could fit in. Now I had the realization that my brain was malfunctioning, further separating me from my peers. No one could know. I had to hide this defect, just as I had to hide all the other things that made me different. I wanted to be accepted not only by my peers but also by my dad.
The process
I had to come up with a solution; failure was not an option. I knew that I had limited abilities. I was clumsy and introverted. I was blind in one eye, so I had no depth perception. I would compare myself to the other boys in the class who were more athletic, more social, and cooler. I did not measure up. The same comparisons were done at home, with similar results. But teachers kept on telling my parents how smart I was. I could sit at the piano and play a song by ear that my sister had been practicing for weeks. I was already designing experiments to test ideas that my mind would not let go of. I saw connections in everything.
My miswired brain
My wife has joked with me in the past, telling me that I have an autistic brain. She is a clinical psychologist, so there may be some merit in her musings. My brain does seem to be wired differently; I don’t think linearly as most people do. Instead, I see pools of information that intersect, merge, separate, and reconnect. This crazy brain has both disadvantages and advantages. Instead of me processing A + B = C, I see A + B = a dozen possibilities. My thinking process takes much longer than most. Data acquisition is slower and sometimes more painful. I remember taking a physics class in college. I sat down on a Friday night (proof that I’m a nerd) to do my homework, and it didn’t make sense to me. I repeated the exercise on Saturday night. Still, it made no sense to me. Sunday morning, lightning struck, and the solution became abundantly clear as pools of data started to merge, separate, and merge again. The material became simple and logical. One problem led to many solutions, and I became the person who broke the curve in that class, much to my classmates’ chagrin.
The reading solution
Back to second grade. What to do? I already got my glasses, and I was failing at the task. If I told the nun that they didn’t help me, she might think I was really dumb, and I liked the fact that she thought I was smart. It made me feel special. I certainly could not tell my dad, he already had a negative opinion of me. Reading had become an essential part of learning, but I was failing at it. The kids around me were breezing through the text, and I was seeing an alphabet soup that looked like Egyptian hieroglyphics. Think, Mike, think! God would not give me the gift of intelligence and then cruelly deny me a way to use it. But what to do? The answers eventually came in the backseat of our old Nash Rambler on the way home from church.
I had taken the Sunday comics with me. I couldn’t read them, but their story lines were graphically simple and enjoyable. Could they be the solution to my reading problem? One cartoon stood out, “Nancy.” This was a strip with a very simple storyline. It used easy words, and the creator wrote in all caps. Many of the speech balloons had only a handful of words, with generous spacing between them. With effort, I could separate the words, and over time, I could do this quickly.
Nancy comics were easy to understand graphically and employed simple text, all in caps, and with good letter spacing.
After I mastered “Nancy,” I needed more material, but the options were limited. This was the 1960s, and parents didn’t buy kids books. We did have a bookshelf in our front hall that was loaded with ancient books of all sorts. Old encyclopedias that schools had tossed out, a giant Bible, “The Lives of Saints,” all were too advanced for me, but then I came upon what I needed. On a lower shelf were several readers from the 1940s that had been discarded by schools. It turns out that my oldest sister loved those books, which is why they were preserved. They offered me the next step in my reading solution: three volumes, each representing a different reading level.
You may be wondering why I didn’t use the books I was given in school. I don’t have an answer to that, but I guess that they were too threatening, too traumatic. I had already failed at using them, so I had to find my own path. I needed a solution that allowed me to move at my own pace. These primers were that solution.
Two of the three primers that I used to teach myself how to read. These are from the early 1940s and I believe they cultivated my love for that period of time.
The books were immensely more complicated than Nancy comics, and I had to face all of the issues that I had faced before, but now I had success with the comics, and I didn’t have the pressure of having to read them in front of the class. I came up with many solutions to my processing problems, from cutting out a window in a sheet of paper to isolate individual lines to reading shapes instead of letters. It was agony, but then suddenly it wasn’t.
The books were simple, but much more complicated than the comics. I had to employ other methods, such as creating a slit in a sheet of paper to isolate lines. I also focused more on the shape of a word rather than the individual letters. This seems to help (for some reason) my ability to separate words from one another.
Reading opened up my world and highlighted my talents. I couldn’t get enough information. Those old encyclopedias became my launching pad. The local branch library became my university. In the 4th grade, I took the state-wide achievement test and scored higher than anyone in my 1-8th grade school. In some areas, I was scoring as high as a junior in high school. Reading gave me that advantage. Now the nuns were telling my parents, “Michael is very special, God has plans for him.” That was just the ego boost I needed to move forward and trust my instincts and myself.
But my reading has always been slow and ponderous. I read slowly because I have to do a lot of gymnastics in my brain. I no longer have to do all the tricks I originally needed, but I’m still processing a sea of data. I’m a slow reader, but I have excellent comprehension. That can be a two-edged sword.
My passions
I stated many times in past posts that I have always had three passions that constantly drive me. I love to learn, teach, and create. Every aspect of my life is centered on these three pillars. I have never stopped reading, but I tend to read things that deepen my understanding. It matters not what that understanding is. One day, I may want to compare the Noah’s Ark story with its origin myth in the “Epic of Gilgamesh.” The next day, I may be more interested in the design differences between two breadmakers. It makes no difference to me.
However, such a drive can limit pleasure reading. There are so many novels that are enriching, yet don’t offer overt data. Of course, they offer so much more than just a story, as many question humanity, relationships, and drive on a level no clinical text can match. I know this, but textbook-type information is so much more accessible, so I tend to drift in that direction. Oh, gads, this just came to me: “Mike this is why people tend to eat ultra-processed food instead of healthy food. It is concentrated and more accessible.” See how my silly mind jumps from one topic and relates it to another. That is what I have to deal with constantly!
Reading novels and other non-technical books.
I know that reading beyond informational materials would be beneficial to me, so I have made efforts in the past to do so. I can’t say that I was ever a voracious reader of novels, as I’m a slow reader who tends to overprocess. With that said, I found reading non-technical material was both enjoyable and broadening. I especially liked it when an author could introduce me to information that changed my opinion about something. That was always exciting.
The medical school dilemma
Medical school ruined my pleasure reading. The first two years are didactic, and the amount of information that a student is expected to learn is astronomical. Tests are not based on broad concepts; they are based on footnotes. Students are selected for their academic prowess, so the test discriminates at the level of minutiae. This was vastly different from my graduate student days, which were more focused on concepts rather than memorizing random facts.
I found that I started memorizing everything I read, which ruined reading for me. That horrible process plagued me for many years.
The drive doesn’t end, and a new problem
I am always acquiring knowledge. I am always learning. I am always thinking. I guess you would call me a dilettante, since everything interests me, and I go from one topic to another. In my professional life, I had to be an expert; in my retired life, I can learn as much or as little as I choose to on any topic. This flexibility has been immensely pleasurable for me.
The Internet has opened up a world of data, and I have been greedily gathering it. One day politics, the next making meals in a pressure cooker, the day after that quantum theory.
YouTube has been both a blessing and a curse. Its algorithms draw me in by presenting one topic after another. I can get trapped in hours of viewing, but if I stay too long on the platform, it seems to have a deadening effect rather than an enlightening one. It is very hard for me to stop watching, which has affected me on multiple levels. My viewing can prevent me from doing necessary household chores, exercising, or exploring creative outlets like photography or writing. I call this the ice cream phenomenon. A bowl of ice cream is delicious, but a carton of ice cream makes me feel sick. Yet there are times when I want a carton of ice cream, and I have to use willpower to keep myself from eating it. Like eating a carton of ice cream, I have had to use psychological techniques to limit my YouTube use. A little YouTube enlightens me, but a steady diet of it actually dulls me and prevents me from living my life.
The sleep issue
I used to be a deep sleeper, but this changed with the birth of my first child over 40 years ago. Suddenly, I would wake at a pin drop. This has continued to this very day. My sleep is always disturbed, but usually manageable to some degree.
When I was working, I had sleepless nights, but I thought that would change when I retired, since my days would be mostly stress-free. However, my sleep can still be terrible, often waking for hours in the middle of the night. Something had to be done.
As you can tell by the preamble, I’m a problem solver, and I explore possible explanations for any given problem. What was the cause of my insomnia? I don’t drink caffeine products in the evening, and I do the usual sleep hygiene things. Yes, I may need to get up to use the bathroom once or twice, but I have developed ways to make that less obtrusive. I also know a number of psychological tricks to fall back on when I wake, but I’m often too lazy to incorporate them. If I could identify a root cause, I might be able to find a solution.
One thing I did was watch YouTube videos before bed. Initially, I thought the videos were relaxing as I would fall asleep watching them. However, I soon realized that they were stimulating my brain in unwanted ways. The bright blue light from my laptop screen wasn’t helping, nor was YouTube’s algorithm, which always seemed to hook me into watching the next video. When I woke up at night, I sometimes opened my laptop and watched more videos. It was a never-ending cycle.
I started to notice a pattern: my wakeful periods were getting longer and longer, sometimes lasting from 12:30 AM to 4 or 5 AM. Initially, this insomnia would last a day, and I would sleep well the next day. However, they eventually transitioned into several consecutive days.
I had some ancient Klonopin in my medicine cabinet. The pills were over 10 years old, and in desperation, I would bite off a bit of the pill in an effort to reset my sleep. This would work, but I soon found I had to do it for several nights in a row to reset. Eventually, the pattern would return. The Klonopin was not the solution, plus I only had a limited supply. I needed to explore other options.
Options and solutions
I intuitively knew that YouTube was a major contributing factor, but I didn’t want to give it up. In some ways, it was a bit of an addiction. The more I watched it, the more I wanted to watch it. Depending on the content, it could really crash my mood. This was especially true of political shows. Yet, YouTube gave me a lot of good things, too. Clearly, I needed to take control.
My solution was simple and consisted of both biochemical manipulation and behavioral intervention. I knew that Klonopin had to be an emergency-only option. I decided to take a dose of magnesium and a microdose of melatonin at night. Neither had a dramatic impact, but they seemed to be calming.
I also knew I needed to give up late-night YouTube for a multitude of reasons: the content was too stimulating, the algorithm was too engaging, the computer screen was too bright, and the screen refresh rate (60-120 Hz) was too aggravating.
Instead of looking at this as a problem, I decided to approach it as an opportunity. Stopping nighttime YouTube cold made little sense. I needed a substitute, and that substitute was reading.
I love technology, so it was a no-brainer to go with an e-reader instead of a physical book. E-readers use a different method to control their lighting and a different screen technology called e-ink. E-ink only refreshes when you change pages, not at 120 Hz like computer displays. E-readers illuminate the front of a page like a physical book, not the page itself, as on a laptop. Front illumination is more natural.
E-readers offer an unlimited number of reading options, including many free and inexpensive ones. I could download books from my library using Libby, get free out-of-copyright books from sources like Project Gutenberg, or buy books from online bookstores like Amazon, Kobo, or Barnes & Noble.
At this time, I am reading “50 Masterpieces You Have to Read Before You Die” from Amazon. These 50 books are all out of copyright, so the entire collection was less than $2 to download.
An e-reader was the solution to my reading problem as it combined technology with reading. It also gave me flexibility, as I could download virtually any book and adjust any parameter of that book, from the font size and type to the screen brightness.
Transitioning to reading at bedtime was initially difficult. The experience was too slow-moving and not stimulating enough. I wanted to watch YouTube. My first few nights were frustrating, but that is now improving.
I don’t feel a need to stay up all night reading, and I find that reading a chapter or two is usually sufficient. Currently, I’m reading “The Jungle” by Upton Sinclair, which he published in 1906 (it actually was serialized in 1905, but it was published as a book in 1906). It is a story about immigrant abuse and the horrors of working in Chicago’s stockyards at the turn of the last century. I’m a Chicago Soutsider, so the stockyards are very familiar to me. The topic is timely as we continue to deal with immigrant abuse in 2026.
It appears that my sleep is slowly normalizing and that my treatment plan was correct. I’m very grateful for that. This solution highlights another point. We never need to wallow in problems when there are solutions at hand. Those solutions may vary based on time, situation, and need. Lastly, solutions can do more than just solve a problem. They can expand our knowledge and experience. They can enrich our lives and help us grow. That is, if we let them.
We live in a world of instant gratification. A time where we can have what we want without problem-solving. This will likely get worse as AI becomes more prevalent. However, as humans, we need to grow and solving problems is part of that process. Friedrich Nietzsche said, “What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.” A quote to remember.
Images are my own or from the internet and are used for educational purposes only.
Inflation is crazy, and my heart skips a beat when I go grocery shopping. Yet cooking at home still offers significant savings compared to eating out in any form. I’m a huge fan of one-pot meals because they are simple to make, tasty, and often provide leftovers for later.
Both my sister and sister-in-law do me a favor. When they serve a ham for a holiday event, they save me the remnants and the ham bone. I vacuum seal them and freeze them for future soup meals.
Today, I’ll be making a ham and lentil soup. The recipe is from AllRecipes.com, but I’m doing a looser version. Soups and stews are flexible, and a little artistic license has little impact on the end result.
I like lentils because they cook quickly and they don’t require pre-soaking. This Instant Pot recipe called for an 8-minute cook time with a natural release of at least 10 minutes. My lentils were old, so I wound up cooking them for around 15 minutes. You could make this recipe on the stove in a large pot, such as a Dutch oven. However, you would need to extend your cooking time to around 30 minutes, or until the lentils are tender. Not a big deal.
Lentils are nutritional powerhouses. They are high in plant protein and fiber. They are loaded with minerals. They are high in iron, so they can help with certain types of anemia. They help regulate your blood sugar and strongly support a healthy gut. Lastly, they are dirt cheap to buy and last forever on your shelf.
Lentils come in a variety of colors, and each has a slightly different cooking time. Most stores carry brown lentils, but there are also green, yellow, red, orange, and black varieties. Each has its own characteristics, but I successfully substitute whatever variety that I have on hand. One pound of brown lentils is often under $2 and contains around 2 and 1/4 cups. Most recipes use one cup of dry lentils, so you can see how economical cooking with lentils can be.
This recipe uses leftover ham that was gifted, about $1 worth of dry lentils, and some inexpensive vegetables, and it makes a ton of soup. Let’s get into the recipe!
I’m not going to follow the amounts exactly; instead, I’ll do my usual approximations.
I sautéed a chopped onion and a couple stalks of celery in some oil for around two minutes.
I added about 3-4 sliced carrots and sautéed the mixture for about 5 minutes.
I then added a generous spoonful of jar garlic. You could use real garlic or even powdered garlic.
Here are the spices that I used. I used about 1/2 teaspoon of each ground spice and a couple of small bay leaves. I briefly cooked the spices with the vegetables (about 30 seconds). If you don’t have all of these spices, use what you have. Oregano is a good one to have around, as it is useful in many dishes. Don’t use too much oregano, as it can impart a soapy taste to some dishes, if used excessively.
This is the hambone from my sister. I cut off the remaining meat and chopped it up. There was quite a bit of meat remaining. Less would have been fine. I could have cooked a few strips of bacon instead of the ham, then sautéed the vegetables in the bacon fat. It is easy to substitute similar for similar! The ham was added to the soup.
I added around 8 oz of tomato sauce, 4 cups of chicken broth, and I cup of water. If possible, use low-sodium chicken broth. I used bouillon. The soup was a bit salty from the bouillon and ham, but still delicious. You could also use water instead of chicken broth.
Add one cup of dry lentils. I like to rinse my lentils as they can sometimes be dusty.
Pressure-cook on high for about 10 minutes. I added an additional 5 minutes (15 minutes total) as my lentils were old (I bought them in bulk and have been using them for over a year). Let them release naturally for at least 10 minutes before depressurizing the Instant Pot. My electric pressure cooker isn’t an Instant Pot, but they all work the same way.
You can smash some of the lentils to make the soup thicker if that is what you like. I also added a little cornstarch dissolved in water to thicken ours. However, that is totally optional. Now taste and add around 1/2 to 1 teaspoon of pepper and salt to taste. I didn’t need any salt as my soup was already pretty salty from the ham and bouillon.
A little acid helps liven the flavor. I’m using around a tablespoon of sherry, but you could use some lemon juice or even a splash of vinegar.
I also added a few squirts of hot sauce (optional). This is the Aldi clone of Frank’s hot sauce.
I made a small loaf of whole wheat bread in my bread maker. I just tossed in the ingredients, and 3.5 hours later, I had this delicious warm loaf.
Dinner is served! Hearty and filling ham and lentil soup that was extremely inexpensive to make. I’m serving it with a little sour cream, but that is optional. My wife and I ate our fill, and there is so much left over that we have an extra meal, and I’ll still have plenty to freeze for later. The homemade bread made the meal special, and it was much tastier than anything from the grocery store.
Estrangement seems to be a popular trend. In fact, it is estimated that about 10% of adult children are estranged from their parents. I can certainly understand breaking off contact with a parent who was physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive. Likewise, I can understand a parent ceasing contact with a threatening or destructive child.
In my psychiatric practice, I witnessed parents who had no idea why their children broke off contact with them. These were people whom I had known for years and didn’t seem to present with significant abusive pathology. A typical scenario would go something like this: “I saw my son/daughter over Christmas, and everything seems great, then two months later, I got a text message telling me to never contact them again.” You can imagine how devastating such a text could be. Certainly, parenting can be difficult, and some parents can be difficult. However, does that justify completely cutting off a relationship, often without conversation or any hope of resolution?
I have also witnessed what I call partial estrangement when the child doesn’t completely break off contact; they just let it wither. Holidays and milestone dates go by unnoticed or barely noticed. There is a lack of interest in or engagement with the parent’s life, and, in many subtle and overt ways, the child makes it clear to the parent that the parent is unimportant.
As a parent, I know that we all make parenting mistakes. However, beyond those that I listed above, how many are unforgivable? What I discovered during my work life is that many adult children continued to seek the approval of parents who were clearly abusive toward them, and often, the reasons that some adult children broke off relationships with their parents were for “softer issues,” such as a parent who was overly controlling or critical, or had different political views. In many of these cases, no effort was made to talk things out or clear the air. The relationship ended with no hope of healing.
I have also seen situations where a married child eliminates contact with a parent due to spousal influence. This can stem from imagined insults that the spouse believes the in-law directed at them or from the spouse’s psychological pathology.
Let me be clear. There are situations where a parent does have some culpability. Some parents continue to try to control their adult child or have unrealistic expectations of the relationship. Some parents can act like jerks towards their child’s spouse. Some parents can continue to be critical of their children or play the comparison game with them. I’m not saying that limits shouldn’t be placed. However, it makes little sense to completely sever these relationships without a few serious, honest conversations.
I think estrangement is becoming more popular for a variety of reasons, from therapists suggesting it to social media that promotes it. I have seen posts on social media where parents pour out their hearts, wondering why their child suddenly cut off all contact with them. The comments in the post frequently contain hateful responses from individuals who have no knowledge of the situation, but are happy to add additional cruelty to the grieving parent. What is that all about?
I have also seen prideful parents who won’t reach out to an estranged child, expecting that some miracle will happen to bring them back into the fold. What does it take to say, “Can we talk about this?” Or, “I was wrong.” Or, “I’m genuinely sorry.” Pride before the fall.
A situation that I have witnessed is what I call the “You should know” phenomenon. This is when a parent asks what they did wrong or why their child is angry, and the child responds, “You should know what you did!” The parent has no idea what they did and therefore has no hope of resolution. This is a form of cruelty. It says that the child wants to maintain their ill feelings and does not want a resolution. Why? There are many reasons, but few are reasonable.
None of us can say what the future holds, including me. However, I know that two ways to keep a relationship thriving are to allow open communication and maintain frequent contact. When it comes to open communication, acceptance is the rule. Adult children have to live their own lives and have their own triumphs and failures. It is not a parent’s job to highlight their adult children’s mistakes unless asked. I’m not saying that a parent should never intervene. Of course, there are situations that require action. However, some parents are excellent at finding every flaw and then magnifying it.
I’ll question my kids if I feel they are heading in the wrong direction or if I have significantly more experience or knowledge in a particular situation. I want to emphasize the word question. I don’t try to force my opinion on them. My actions have changed over time. When they were children, it was my responsibility to make sure that they were safe and moving in the right direction. However, that is not the case with my adult children. Frankly, it is a relief to pass on that responsibility to them.
My mom would always say, “Friends come and go, but you will always have family.” I believe that there is wisdom in that statement. We can have friends that become family, but those situations are rare. If we can maintain healthy relationships with our relatives, whether they be siblings or children, we are better off. One way to do that is to have regular contact with them. This can be done in many different ways, but it should include time for conversation. In my family, we do this on multiple levels.
As my family of origin aged, we drifted away from our cousins. Was there an event or reason? I don’t know of one. However, about thirty years ago, we found ourselves together at a funeral, where we decided to reunite. That reunion led to others and now consists of multiple planned events every year, including a picnic, a campout, and a Christmas party. These get togethers continue due to the efforts of my cousin, Kris, and her husband Bob. They are the organizers and thereby serve an important function. Most relationships require an active force, and it isn’t reasonable to expect an equal distribution of responsibility in these situations. Someone needs to take charge and shoulder the burden of leadership. Many of my nephews and nieces attend these events, and it is an awesome way for me to catch up with them, too. I want to know what is going on with my relatives’ lives, and I want them to know what is happening in mine.
Every year, we schedule multiple events where cousins and their children can gather and connect.Here we are at a recent campout.
I have only two siblings remaining, and they are very important to me. I have taken on the active role of staying in contact with them and make a point to call them very frequently, sometimes daily. We are all retired, and our lives are routine. When you talk to someone multiple times a week, you rehash the same topics over and over. That is fine with me, as the purpose of the calls is to have contact, not to explore the meaning of life, although we sometimes do that too. A number of years ago, we realized that the only times we saw each other were during major events and holidays. We established “sibling breakfast.” We meet roughly monthly over breakfast along with my wife, brother-in-law, and sister-in-law. They are family, too. For many years, we went to local restaurants, but that became harder for some of the older members, so now we meet at my sister’s house. We all bring what we want to eat. I may stop at McDonald’s for a #1 meal; my wife usually packs yogurt and fruit from home; my sister-in-law may bring a nutritious shake, and so on. This bring-your-own-breakfast rule makes our get-togethers simple and carefree. Our purpose isn’t to eat a meal; it is to be with each other. In this situation, my sister Nancy and I take charge of scheduling the next meeting. My sister Carol hosts the event. We try to schedule our next breakfast before we leave. If someone can’t make the next date, that is OK, as we know we will see them soon, as this is a monthly affair, and there are likely other events beyond our sibling breakfast where we will have contact. We have made scheduling and attending these meetings as simple as possible. The easier it is, the more likely we will continue.
We meet monthly for a sibling breakfast. Everyone brings their own food, making the event extremely simple to host.
I have been married twice and have three kids from my second marriage and one from my first. I have had children living with me for many years. In fact, I was nearly 50 when I had my son. I’m very used to having a close connection with my children, and I like it. My kids also seem to like it, and they like each other. However, they are now leading adult lives. My daughter, Grace, came up with a solution based on the sibling breakfast concept. We have established a “family brunch” where we meet about once a month, rotating from house to house. The host makes a brunch, but since the meal rotates, no one has total responsibility. Towards the end of the get-together, we sit down and schedule the next meeting. It has been wonderful. We are all reasonable people, and by meeting regularly, petty issues fade away. We are all a bit different, and we make an effort to accept our differences instead of trying to change individuals to conform to what we think that they should be. Beyond family brunch, we stay in touch via other activities: impromptu Sunday dinners, holidays, and a group chat where we can share our lives and photos. So far, this has worked out well.
I get together with 3 of my kids (my oldest lives away) every month for a family brunch. Of course, their boyfriends and girlfriends are included.
So what is the bottom line?
Separation breeds discontent. It is easy to amplify differences and turn minor hurts into major wounds.
Beware of friends and therapists who like to amplify this discontent rather than promote reasonable solutions.
Are there times when it is appropriate for children or parents to end contact with the other? Yes, but in many cases estrangement happens when there are clearly other less destructive paths that could be implemented.
Efforts need to be made to keep in contact with those whom you love. Often, this will be a one-sided responsibility; that is the way it is. Contact can happen in many ways, including regular meetings, email, text messages, group texts, and scheduled FaceTime calls. The best contacts are in-person, but any contact is better than no contact.
Problems arise in all relationships, and how differences are resolved often determine the outcome. Can you talk about an issue, or do you punish the other person with “the silent treatment”? Are you one of those us-vs-them individuals who tries to get others on your side in a conflict? Are you great at bringing up past offenses from years gone by? Those are just a few of the many possible ways to poison relationships.
It is imperative to realize that the rules are different for children vs. adult children. Parents who want the same level of control that they formally had are asking for resentment from their adult kids.
Relationships are not a one-sided street. Adult children also have options that go beyond total estrangement. For instance, is your parent a shamer? Why not confront them honestly and unemotionally? “I feel like you are shaming me. I don’t accept that shame.” For some parents, their behavior is so ingrained that they don’t even realize that they are doing it. I’m trying to illustrate that there are many alternatives beyond removing an otherwise decent parent from one’s life. It is not necessary to throw the baby out with the bathwater.
It takes little to say, “Can we talk about this?” Not comfortable with that? Try an email.
Do you want to convert the other person to your way of thinking? Well, you won’t have much success, so stop that.
Are you willing to accept the other person’s feelings and find a compromise? Now we are talking!
Avoid hot topics. I remember seeing a sign when I was growing up that said, “Don’t talk about politics or religion.” That is good advice. By the way, when did political beliefs become a religion?
Did you do something that upset someone, even if you didn’t realize it at the time? Say you are sorry, mean it, and try to adjust your future behavior.
In summary, practice the following behaviors:
-Have regular contact with those you love.
-Have open communications with those you love.
-Be willing to say you are sorry and mean it. If you are a “my way or the highway” person, you have already lost the battle.
-Try to see the adult child’s complaint from their point of view instead of trying to justify your past actions. Accept that others may have different opinions from yours.
-If you see a pattern in your behavior that consistently causes conflict in others, own it and change it. As humans, we are imperfect. Do an honest personal inventory. Are you too critical? Are you a shamer? Are you a comparer? Are you too demanding? Are you (fill in the blank)? Do you have destructive ways of dealing with conflict, such as blaming? Are you a splitter who causes disharmony between your kids? If the answer is yes, work to change those bad characteristics. If they caused estrangement from a child, they are most certainly impacting other relationships in your life.
-Seek outside help if you can’t implement that change yourself.
-Be flexible with your expectations of the other person. They are not clones of you. Focus on the positives of the relationship.
What can a parent do when a child has cut off all contact, and the parent has tried to reach out to resolve the issue but are met with silence? That depends on the situation. However, in some cases it isn’t a bad idea to continue a back channel. I treated a divorced dad who was estranged from his son due to the poisonous actions of his ex-wife. Through my advice he sent his son random correspondences through the years. A thinking of you card, a funny comic, a birthday wish. His ex destroyed many of these, but some got through. Eventually, the son grew up, moved out on his own, and was no longer under his mom’s influence. The father and son reconnected because the son knew his dad cared, as he continued to try to contact him. Sending a card or a greeting takes little effort, and it may eventually result in a resolution. Naturally, every situation is different. In some cases any continued contact could be considered a threat. I’m just suggesting that it helps to think outside of the box.
At times a parent has to accept the situation and move on. A lot of energy is wasted pursuing dead ends in relationships of all types. Put the bulk of your energy into those who are there for you and who do love you. If you do this, you will be a happier person.
There has been an insidious practice going on for decades. That is the practice of transferring wealth from the lower classes to the upper classes. The movement started subtly, but it has escalated dramatically over the last decade.
For a generation, there has been a push for normal consumers to consume more, update what they have, and modernize items that are still functional. If you are old enough, you remember the must-have avocado-colored refrigerators that became “out of style” and needed to be replaced by must-have copper-tone-colored refrigerators that became “out of style” and needed to be replaced by the must-have almond-colored refrigerators, and so on. Needless changes in appliances, fashion, automobiles, and even furniture drove the economy forward while depleting consumers’ bank accounts.
Then there is the “You deserve it” campaign, fueled by high-interest-rate credit cards, easy-to-obtain loans, and now BNPL companies like Klarna. These vehicles change the physical presence of money to an abstract concept. They removed the friction of taking money out of your purse or wallet. Now all you had to do was tap a card or fill out a form. It became easy to spend “a little more” to get something perceived as of higher value. You wanted to spend $100 on a winter coat, but the $250 one is so much nicer! Use your credit card. You live paycheck to paycheck, but don’t your kids deserve that $10,000 trip to Disney? Use Klarna. Your neighbor just got a new car, now you want one too, but they are so expensive. The salesman will help you out by lowering your monthly payment by extending your loan to 8 years. Who cares that the interest rate is 20%? By the way, the average car payment is now $767/month, the average loan term is around 6 years, and 35% of car loans are now over 6 years. Think about that, then add costs such as repairs, normal operating expenses, and insurance.
Planned obsolescence is another method to get you to spend more. In 1924, the companies Philips, Osram, and GE formed a secret group called the Phoebus Cartel and reduced the lifespan of lightbulbs from 2,500 hours to 1,000 hours. They fined each other for manufacturing longer-lasting bulbs. It is known that Henry Ford would send his engineers to junkyards to see which components of his cars lasted the longest, so he could shorten their lifespans.
My house was built in 1984, and I bought it in 1989. The former owner left the original almond-colored fridge. I felt I needed a stainless steel one, so I moved the old fridge into my basement, where it served as a second fridge until last year, when it finally failed. That was over 40 years of service. I’m currently on my 4th stainless steel fridge upstairs, and one of them lasted only 3 years before I had to replace it.
If you have a perfectly good Windows 10 computer, you are now out of luck, as Windows 10 is no longer supported. Just upgrade the software? Well, probably not, since your device likely doesn’t have the newer computer chips required for an upgrade. You will need to send it to a landfill, even if it is working fine. You will be forced to buy a new computer.
I have heard the same for cars, which have become ever more complicated with features that most don’t need or want. Major components like the CVT (transmission) regularly fail, with astronomical repair costs. Some feel it is just easier to buy another car after a catastrophic failure. They will roll their negative equity into their new car loan, placing an even greater debt burden on themselves.
Companies are making it ever more impossible to repair things. Do you want to save a few bucks and replace your iPhone’s battery at a non-authorized repair shop? Good luck; it will never calibrate as well as one that was more expensively replaced at Apple. When you go to Apple, you may be told that it would be just easier to buy a new phone for $1000. Want to get that failed CVT transmission replaced at a better price by going to a local mechanic? Well, that may not be possible, as the install requires “calibration” using a computer and very expensive, exclusive software that only the dealer may possess. I had a stove that was around 10 years old that stopped working. When the repairman came out, he noted that the problem was the main computer board. The bad news was that those boards were no longer available. I had to buy a new stove. My mom used the same stove for 25 years, and it then moved with us to become a basement stove in our new home. It was very simple and 100% mechanical. It just kept on working. Her simple stove and my computerized one did the exact same thing: they cooked food. However, mine was unfixable. Was that worth a digital display? I don’t think so.
We are constantly barraged by ads, with the average consumer seeing anywhere from 4,000 to 10,000 per day. They are everywhere, from social media sites to email to text messages to regular media to posts that look like content but are actually ads. They all want you to buy items you don’t need and likely won’t make you happy beyond a short dopamine burst when you buy and receive the product. Psychologists call this the Hedonic Treadmill. You buy something and feel good. That fades, so you buy something again and repeat the process over and over. Each hit has a smaller happiness return, so you need to buy more and spend more. Can’t afford it? Use your credit card!
We are moving into a new phase of selling as we are all now being monitored and cataloged. Devices like computers and smartphones record our searches, the web pages we visit, the posts we write, and how much time we spend looking at each item. We are conned by influencers to buy products, and by advertisers who push us to do the same in any way possible. We buy unnecessary things on credit cards that have an average interest rate of 23%. The average consumer has around $11,000 in credit card debt. If their credit card has a 23% intereste rate, they will owe an additional $18,000 in interest if they make the minimum monthly payments. Think about that: that $100 item will actually cost you $280, and it will be long gone by the time you pay it off.
We are constantly being psychologically pressured to buy, often for items we think we must have but that have little ability to improve the quality of our lives. Money is being siphoned from those who have less to those who have more, and they use that money to influence our politicians to escalate this process further. That is certainly the case with the “Big Beautiful Tax Bill,” which gave some small, very temporary concessions to the average citizen, but permanent, large tax benefits to the rich. How did this do this? By taking away money that helps the less fortunate. Cuts in SNAP, cuts in Medicaid, cuts in lunch programs for kids, cuts in hospice care for the poor, cuts to agencies that keep us safe, and so on. Everyone is not a welfare queen; the vast majority of people are just trying to get by. However, it is convenient to find a negative poster child if you want to divide the country. How sad it is that it is so easy to hate.
Our current government has eliminated extended student loans for many expensive-to-obtain professions, including advanced practice nursing, physical therapy, occupational therapy, respiratory therapy, physician assistant, speech-language pathology, architecture, and social work. If you are not wealthy, you may need to dash your dreams or subject yourself to predatory private loans. Beyond the impact on the student, this result is the overall reduction in the number of these professionals who better our country with their skills and training.
There is another wealth drainer that has entered the picture: the subscription service. This device isn’t new, but it has grown and mutated over the last decade or two. In the past, we may have had a newspaper or magazine subscription. Every day or month, we would receive a tangible object at our home. That seemed worth it.
When I was growing up, virtually all television was free (with advertising). We only had a few channels, but they were enough. Cable TV was reserved for rural parts of the country where TV signals were weak. Cable was then a subscription service that used large antennas to receive weak TV signals and rebroadcast them to consumers who would otherwise be unable to receive any TV. In the 1970s and 1980s, a new type of cable TV was introduced. Exclusive channels available only with a subscription. Now, you need cable TV to watch the latest documentary or TV show. Something that was once free now had a charge. Yes, there was the promise of more choices, but I remember many times when I surfed through all 100+ channels only to realize there was nothing worth watching. I gave up cable TV over 10 years ago and have not missed it.
Cable has been replaced by streaming services. Netflix was under $10 and offered an amazing number of movies and shows. Over time, the price has crept up, and we now pay almost $20/month for less content and have to subscribe to additional streaming services to supplement Netflix.
I’m a photographer, and in the past I used Adobe products to edit my photos. Adobe Photoshop was an expensive program, but once you owned it, you had it for life. In 2013, Adobe moved to a subscription model in which users were charged monthly to use the software. I saw a dangerous trend and switched to different software. Adobe has continued to push this trend with escalating prices and hidden fees that can add up to an astronomical amount if you decide to cancel your subscription. Part of the subscription deal allows Adobe to use your images to train Adobe’s AI software. You pay to use the service, but Adobe uses your creative content for free? Yep.
The popular word processor, Microsoft Word, launched a subscription program in 2011. Now there are many subscription programs, including Apple products that were once free, like Pages and Keynote. Companies may argue that this means that you always have the latest and greatest software version. However, word processing programs were perfected decades ago. Most additions amount to options that are neither needed nor wanted.
Everyone wants to get into the subscription model as consumers continue to rent items they previously bought. Here are some other egregious subscription examples.
-BMW now charges $18/mo if you want their seat to heat. $10-$15/mo for the steering wheel to warm, $15/mo for automatic high beams, and $50/mo for adaptive cruise control. My former 2014 Ford included all of these features in the purchase price.
-My Subaru requires a subscription if I want to remotely open my car doors with an app. That subscription is also necessary to receive service reminders with important prompts, like when it is time to change the oil. My former 2008 Honda Fit included free service reminders.
-Want to use your Samsung TV to display art? That will cost you $50/year to view their curated JPEG images.
-On Tinder, but not being noticed? For a mere $499/mo, you can become an elite member with a chance that Tinder will push your profile a bit more.
-Pantone colors are the standard in printing. They are often used to maintain a brand’s integrity. You always see the exact same blue and yellow when you look at a Best Buy Ad, or the exact same red in a Target Ad. Those are Pantone colors. Many use Adobe software to create all sorts of printed material that must be standardized across many documents. Pantone colors were available in the past, but are now a subscription if you use an Adobe product. Now you have to pay an additional $15/mo, or all current and past work will turn black. This is on top of the standard Adobe fees, which now can be as much as $100/mo.
-HP printers tried to charge home users a per-page subscription to use their printers. You could buy the printer, have ink in it, and still not be able to use it if you reached the number of pages your subscription allowed.
-Do you want your $100,000.00 Mercedes to have full acceleration? Releasing the remaining 25% of the engine’s power will cost you $60- $90/mo. That is just a software switch. The subscription doesn’t add any additional hardware to the car.
There is also a model for subscribing to use a car. This would be different from a lease.
Most of these newer subscription types charge you for things you once bought and used forever. Now, you have an everlasting ongoing charge.
When I was growing up, my parents operated on a cash-only basis. Bank cards were being introduced in the 1960s, and many companies were mailing them at random. I remember my father cutting them up and throwing them in the trash. The concept of automatic credit just didn’t make sense to him. We didn’t update things; we fixed them. When some things broke, we did without. When clothes became worn, we patched them. We had food, shelter, and clothing, and I never worried if there would be dinner on the table. It was always there. We had an old fridge with a tiny freezer. Yet my mother managed to feed 7 people every day. That fridge was only updated when a relative replaced their larger fridge sometime in the 1970s. Why did they update it? Because it was seafoam green, and that color had gone out of fashion. We continued to use that fridge for years and celebrated the fact that the freezer compartment was not only bigger, but even had its own door.
My dad usually bought my uncle’s old cars. They weren’t stylish, but they ran. If you wanted coffee, you didn’t go to a cafe; there was a pot brewing on the stove. Birthday cakes came from our Sunbeam mixer, not a bakery. A winter coat may be a Christmas gift, and that was if you were lucky. You learned how to delay gratification and didn’t depend on a new purchase to make you feel better about yourself.
If you look at all of the above consumer tactics, they either make you feel bad about yourself or what you have, or they offer a solution. Solutions often for a problem that you didn’t realize that you had.
It is easier to extract the maximum amount of money from a consumer if you can separate them as much as possible from the actual process. Tapping a credit card is not the same as pulling bills from your pocket. Buying something on credit eliminates delays and allows the consumer to spend well beyond their means. Subscriptions of any type are easily forgotten, and it is simple to slowly increase their costs over time. The average person pays over $1000/year in subscriptions, and that number feels low to me.
It is critical to remember that all of these services exist to benefit shareholders, not the consumer. They are designed to make you spend more and to increase the cost of an item well beyond a normal purchase price. Klarna, a BNPL service, lends you money that you pay back in installments. The service is free, or is it? If you default on making a payment, you will be charged a late fee. How many miss a payment? Over 40%. If you need to take out a longer loan, be prepared for an interest rate up to 35.99%! That is higher than credit cards, which have an average interest rate of 24%. Those companies want you to be late on payments, as it means more money for them. They get richer, and you get poorer.
Debt traps you. People stay in jobs they hate, live in places they would rather not, and feel hopeless even when they earn a decent salary. Take a massive mortgage, two huge car payments, all the regular payments from utilities to health insurance, and add Klarna debt, credit card debt, and payday debt. Mix in the costs of kids’ summer camps, sporting camps, music camps, and all of the expenses needed to raise a child in modern times. Add loans needed to remodel so you can keep up with the Joneses. Add student loans or unpaid medical bills from an emergency room visit. Mix in all of the subscription services, some that you still pay for but have long forgotten. Now sprinkle in inflation, increased gas prices, higher taxes, and utility bills. You can see that a simple problem that costs money to fix can throw a typical family into economic ruin. Cars break down. Car repairs are often well over $1000, and many are much more. Only 45% of Americans have enough savings to pay for a $400 debt. Think about that, it is easy to spend $400 at Costco; most emergencies are much more expensive than that.
So what can you do?
-First, you must do a fearless inventory of your debt. Write down where your money is going.
-Start to reduce your expenses. Eliminate all unnecessary costs. Get rid of all unused or rarely used subscription services. Look at ways to reduce your other costs. I have several posts on how to reduce expenses, a number of which emphasize simple tactics such as cooking at home.
-Focus on reducing your debt, rather than that next new purchase. There are many tools available, some of which are free.
-Remove buying apps, like Amazon, from your phone.
-If you decide to buy something online, institute a 24-hour wait period before you press the “buy” button. Before you press the button, ask yourself, “Do I really need this?”
-Move towards non-subscription models. There still exist non-subscription word processors, photo editors, and presentation programs. Over-the-air TV and radio are free. You can drive a car without heated seats.
-Consider eliminating subscription services that you do use. I currently have Apple News, which I like. However, I can get the same news for free by doing a little hunting and using free services, ranging from websites to over-the-air TV and radio.
-Avoid BNPL options like the plague.
-Consider putting your credit cards in a drawer, reducing their availability.
-Move more and more to a cash model. If you are using cash, you are forced to reconnect the product with the cost.
-Need a vacation? Save for it. Can’t afford Disney? Go where you can afford. Your kids will not be traumatized for life if they don’t have an audience with the mouse. Some of our favorite vacation memories involved camping trips.
-Use what you have.
-Stop trying to keep up with the Joneses. They don’t care.
-Stay away from influencers and reduce your overall screen time.
-Find free/low-cost experiences. Play a board game with your family. Have a potluck dinner party or movie night with snacks, or go to a free concert. Explore options like inexpensive plays at your local high school or college. Utilize your public library, which can not only lend you books, but also DVDs, magazines, audio books, and even music CDs (if you have a CD player).
-Check your credit card statement and think about each purchase that you made and how you may want to change in the future.
-Understand the psychology of selling. Understand that an unnecessary purchases will yield a very temporary “feel-good” impact. In the long run, they will likely make you feel worse.
-It is better to have fewer things of good quality than many things of poor quality.
-Critically assess large purchases. Do you really need a new car? Is there a more economical way to get that college degree? Do you have to update your furniture?
-Put your energy in people/relationships rather than stuff.
