Tag Archives: #Family estrangement

psychiatry, psychology, psychology/psychiatry

Estrangement, Partial Estrangement, and Family Relationships

Estrangement seems to be a popular trend.  In fact, it is estimated that about 10% of adult children are estranged from their parents. I can certainly understand breaking off contact with a parent who was physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive. Likewise, I can understand a parent ceasing contact with a threatening or destructive child. 

In my psychiatric practice, I witnessed parents who had no idea why their children broke off contact with them.  These were people whom I had known for years and didn’t seem to present with significant abusive pathology.  A typical scenario would go something like this: “I saw my son/daughter over Christmas, and everything seems great, then two months later, I got a text message telling me to never contact them again.”  You can imagine how devastating such a text could be.  Certainly, parenting can be difficult, and some parents can be difficult.  However, does that justify completely cutting off a relationship, often without conversation or any hope of resolution?

I have also witnessed what I call partial estrangement when the child doesn’t completely break off contact; they just let it wither.  Holidays and milestone dates go by unnoticed or barely noticed.  There is a lack of interest in or engagement with the parent’s life, and, in many subtle and overt ways, the child makes it clear to the parent that the parent is unimportant. 

As a parent, I know that we all make parenting mistakes.  However, beyond those that I listed above, how many are unforgivable?  What I discovered during my work life is that many adult children continued to seek the approval of parents who were clearly abusive toward them, and often, the reasons that some adult children broke off relationships with their parents were for “softer issues,” such as a parent who was overly controlling or critical, or had different political views. In many of these cases, no effort was made to talk things out or clear the air. The relationship ended with no hope of healing. 

I have also seen situations where a married child eliminates contact with a parent due to spousal influence. This can stem from imagined insults that the spouse believes the in-law directed at them or from the spouse’s psychological pathology.

Let me be clear.  There are situations where a parent does have some culpability.  Some parents continue to try to control their adult child or have unrealistic expectations of the relationship. Some parents can act like jerks towards their child’s spouse.  Some parents can continue to be critical of their children or play the comparison game with them.  I’m not saying that limits shouldn’t be placed.  However, it makes little sense to completely sever these relationships without a few serious, honest conversations. 

I think estrangement is becoming more popular for a variety of reasons, from therapists suggesting it to social media that promotes it.  I have seen posts on social media where parents pour out their hearts, wondering why their child suddenly cut off all contact with them. The comments in the post frequently contain hateful responses from individuals who have no knowledge of the situation, but are happy to add additional cruelty to the grieving parent. What is that all about?

I have also seen prideful parents who won’t reach out to an estranged child, expecting that some miracle will happen to bring them back into the fold.  What does it take to say, “Can we talk about this?” Or, “I was wrong.” Or, “I’m genuinely sorry.”  Pride before the fall.

A situation that I have witnessed is what I call the “You should know” phenomenon. This is when a parent asks what they did wrong or why their child is angry, and the child responds, “You should know what you did!”  The parent has no idea what they did and therefore has no hope of resolution. This is a form of cruelty. It says that the child wants to maintain their ill feelings and does not want a resolution. Why?  There are many reasons, but few are reasonable. 

None of us can say what the future holds, including me.  However, I know that two ways to keep a relationship thriving are to allow open communication and maintain frequent contact. When it comes to open communication, acceptance is the rule. Adult children have to live their own lives and have their own triumphs and failures. It is not a parent’s job to highlight their adult children’s mistakes unless asked.  I’m not saying that a parent should never intervene.  Of course, there are situations that require action.  However, some parents are excellent at finding every flaw and then magnifying it. 

I’ll question my kids if I feel they are heading in the wrong direction or if I have significantly more experience or knowledge in a particular situation.  I want to emphasize the word question.  I don’t try to force my opinion on them. My actions have changed over time. When they were children, it was my responsibility to make sure that they were safe and moving in the right direction.  However, that is not the case with my adult children. Frankly, it is a relief to pass on that responsibility to them.

My mom would always say, “Friends come and go, but you will always have family.”  I believe that there is wisdom in that statement.  We can have friends that become family, but those situations are rare. If we can maintain healthy relationships with our relatives, whether they be siblings or children, we are better off. One way to do that is to have regular contact with them. This can be done in many different ways, but it should include time for conversation.  In my family, we do this on multiple levels.

As my family of origin aged, we drifted away from our cousins. Was there an event or reason?  I don’t know of one. However, about thirty years ago, we found ourselves together at a funeral, where we decided to reunite. That reunion led to others and now consists of multiple planned events every year, including a picnic, a campout, and a Christmas party.  These get togethers continue due to the efforts of my cousin, Kris, and her husband Bob. They are the organizers and thereby serve an important function. Most relationships require an active force, and it isn’t reasonable to expect an equal distribution of responsibility in these situations. Someone needs to take charge and shoulder the burden of leadership. Many of my nephews and nieces attend these events, and it is an awesome way for me to catch up with them, too.  I want to know what is going on with my relatives’ lives, and I want them to know what is happening in mine. 

Every year, we schedule multiple events where cousins and their children can gather and connect. Here we are at a recent campout.

I have only two siblings remaining, and they are very important to me. I have taken on the active role of staying in contact with them and make a point to call them very frequently, sometimes daily.  We are all retired, and our lives are routine.  When you talk to someone multiple times a week, you rehash the same topics over and over.  That is fine with me, as the purpose of the calls is to have contact, not to explore the meaning of life, although we sometimes do that too.  A number of years ago, we realized that the only times we saw each other were during major events and holidays.  We established “sibling breakfast.”  We meet roughly monthly over breakfast along with my wife, brother-in-law, and sister-in-law. They are family, too. For many years, we went to local restaurants, but that became harder for some of the older members, so now we meet at my sister’s house.  We all bring what we want to eat.  I may stop at McDonald’s for a #1 meal; my wife usually packs yogurt and fruit from home; my sister-in-law may bring a nutritious shake, and so on. This bring-your-own-breakfast rule makes our get-togethers simple and carefree.  Our purpose isn’t to eat a meal; it is to be with each other. In this situation, my sister Nancy and I take charge of scheduling the next meeting.  My sister Carol hosts the event. We try to schedule our next breakfast before we leave.  If someone can’t make the next date, that is OK, as we know we will see them soon, as this is a monthly affair, and there are likely other events beyond our sibling breakfast where we will have contact. We have made scheduling and attending these meetings as simple as possible.  The easier it is, the more likely we will continue. 

We meet monthly for a sibling breakfast. Everyone brings their own food, making the event extremely simple to host.

I have been married twice and have three kids from my second marriage and one from my first.  I have had children living with me for many years.  In fact, I was nearly 50 when I had my son. I’m very used to having a close connection with my children, and I like it. My kids also seem to like it, and they like each other.  However, they are now leading adult lives.  My daughter, Grace, came up with a solution based on the sibling breakfast concept.  We have established a “family brunch” where we meet about once a month, rotating from house to house. The host makes a brunch, but since the meal rotates, no one has total responsibility.  Towards the end of the get-together, we sit down and schedule the next meeting. It has been wonderful. We are all reasonable people, and by meeting regularly, petty issues fade away. We are all a bit different, and we make an effort to accept our differences instead of trying to change individuals to conform to what we think that they should be.  Beyond family brunch, we stay in touch via other activities: impromptu Sunday dinners, holidays, and a group chat where we can share our lives and photos. So far, this has worked out well.

I get together with 3 of my kids (my oldest lives away) every month for a family brunch. Of course, their boyfriends and girlfriends are included.

So what is the bottom line?

Separation breeds discontent.  It is easy to amplify differences and turn minor hurts into major wounds. 

Beware of friends and therapists who like to amplify this discontent rather than promote reasonable solutions.  

Are there times when it is appropriate for children or parents to end contact with the other?  Yes, but in many cases estrangement happens when there are clearly other less destructive paths that could be implemented.

Efforts need to be made to keep in contact with those whom you love.  Often, this will be a one-sided responsibility; that is the way it is. Contact can happen in many ways, including regular meetings, email, text messages, group texts, and scheduled FaceTime calls. The best contacts are in-person, but any contact is better than no contact.

Problems arise in all relationships, and how differences are resolved often determine the outcome.  Can you talk about an issue, or do you punish the other person with “the silent treatment”? Are you one of those us-vs-them individuals who tries to get others on your side in a conflict? Are you great at bringing up past offenses from years gone by? Those are just a few of the many possible ways to poison relationships.

It is imperative to realize that the rules are different for children vs. adult children. Parents who want the same level of control that they formally had are asking for resentment from their adult kids.

Relationships are not a one-sided street.  Adult children also have options that go beyond total estrangement. For instance, is your parent a shamer? Why not confront them honestly and unemotionally?  “I feel like you are shaming me. I don’t accept that shame.”  For some parents, their behavior is so ingrained that they don’t even realize that they are doing it. I’m trying to illustrate that there are many alternatives beyond removing an otherwise decent parent from one’s life. It is not necessary to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

It takes little to say, “Can we talk about this?”  Not comfortable with that? Try an email.  

Do you want to convert the other person to your way of thinking?  Well, you won’t have much success, so stop that.  

Are you willing to accept the other person’s feelings and find a compromise?  Now we are talking!

Avoid hot topics.  I remember seeing a sign when I was growing up that said, “Don’t talk about politics or religion.”  That is good advice. By the way, when did political beliefs become a religion? 

Did you do something that upset someone, even if you didn’t realize it at the time? Say you are sorry, mean it, and try to adjust your future behavior. 

In summary, practice the following behaviors:

-Have regular contact with those you love.

-Have open communications with those you love.

-Be willing to say you are sorry and mean it. If you are a “my way or the highway” person, you have already lost the battle.

-Try to see the adult child’s complaint from their point of view instead of trying to justify your past actions. Accept that others may have different opinions from yours. 

-If you see a pattern in your behavior that consistently causes conflict in others, own it and change it. As humans, we are imperfect.  Do an honest personal inventory.  Are you too critical?  Are you a shamer? Are you a comparer? Are you too demanding?  Are you (fill in the blank)? Do you have destructive ways of dealing with conflict, such as blaming? Are you a splitter who causes disharmony between your kids? If the answer is yes, work to change those bad characteristics.  If they caused estrangement from a child, they are most certainly impacting other relationships in your life.

-Seek outside help if you can’t implement that change yourself.

-Be flexible with your expectations of the other person. They are not clones of you.  Focus on the positives of the relationship.

What can a parent do when a child has cut off all contact, and the parent has tried to reach out to resolve the issue but are met with silence? That depends on the situation. However, in some cases it isn’t a bad idea to continue a back channel. I treated a divorced dad who was estranged from his son due to the poisonous actions of his ex-wife. Through my advice he sent his son random correspondences through the years.  A thinking of you card, a funny comic, a birthday wish.  His ex destroyed many of these, but some got through. Eventually, the son grew up, moved out on his own, and was no longer under his mom’s influence. The father and son reconnected because the son knew his dad cared, as he continued to try to contact him.  Sending a card or a greeting takes little effort, and it may eventually result in a resolution. Naturally, every situation is different. In some cases any continued contact could be considered a threat.  I’m just suggesting that it helps to think outside of the box. 

At times a parent has to accept the situation and move on. A lot of energy is wasted pursuing dead ends in relationships of all types. Put the bulk of your energy into those who are there for you and who do love you.  If you do this, you will be a happier person. 

Peace

Mike

family, Family relationships, family traditions, Holidays with family, spending time with family

Mother’s Day; Engagement vs. Estrangement

Today is Tuesday, more precisely, the Tuesday after Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day can be considered a Hallmark holiday: to that, I say, so what?  Sometimes, we need a reason to remind us to honor the important people in our lives.  I believe such events do more than that; they bind us together, cause us to reflect, and allow us to step outside ourselves leaving our self-absorbed world.  These times permit us to make someone else the center of our attention. In a world where we are taught the “me first” philosophy of life, a place where kindness is considered codependency, and an era where things instead of deeds measure worth,  it is important to reflect on what matters.  It is OK to be generous, kind, and considerate towards others.  It is not pathological to think of the needs of others; it is healthy.  There is a difference between loss of self and empathy.  The first leads to unhappiness, while the second yields a feeling of connection and belonging.  

Here in Kunaland, we foster compassion in our children in a variety of ways, one of which is celebrating the special days of others. The process is not a burden; it is a time of joining and working towards a common goal. Yes, we want the person of the day to feel special, but we all benefit from our collective actions. When done with a loving heart, serving others is fulfilling, and working together towards a common goal is pure joy.

We began these traditions when our kids were very young, and they are now fairly standardized.

Mother’s Day starts with breakfast in bed, and my wife’s requests are always the same: coffee, some sort of a fruit bowl, and a cinnamon treat.  The latter item is most often a home-baked cinnamon roll, but at other times, it has been homemade cinnamon coffee cake or, this year, a Cinnaholic cinnamon roll from our local Cinnaholic store.  

When the kids were very young, it was typical for me to buy precut fruit, but now, we have adult children capable of slicing and dicing.  I never seem to be able to find a nice bed tray to carry up the breakfast.  I know we have many, but they seem to hide in the cabinets when I go looking for them.  Usually, I’ll use something else and modify it so it serves the purpose.  This year, I found a large cookie platter. 

Our prep buzzes with activity; some ice rolls, others cut fruit, and still others make coffee. My goal is to arrange the items so they are pleasing to the eye; some years, I’m more successful than others.  When all is assembled we march up the stairs singing “Happy Mother’s Day To You,” borrowing the melody from the classic birthday tune.  Julie always manages to look surprised even though we have been doing the same shtick for almost 30 years.  

Some of us will cut fruit. It is less expensive and tastes better than precut too!
I can never find the right tray. Here, I’m using a cookie platter. However, I try to arrange things so that they look appetizing and pleasant.
Julie always manages to look surprised despite the fact that we have been doing this shtick for decades.

The next item on our agenda is brunch at my niece Karen’s home.  Karen has a wonderful older home in an adjacent suburb and has been hosting a Mother’s Day brunch for as long as I can remember. This is despite that Karen, herself, is a mother of three. She insists on doing all of the cooking and baking. Somehow, she manages to fill her home to the brim with people. She had at least 50 guests this year.  Karen is a fantastic cook, and eating at her home is better than going to a high-end restaurant for brunch. Karen and her husband Themi’s hosting is effortless. I honestly don’t know how they do it.  Their hospitality sets the tone for the guests, who are happy and talkative.  It is a wonderful afternoon.

Despite the small size of their house, my niece and her husband’s place seems to expand and accommodate no matter how may guest arrive.
Here some of the guests are enjoying my niece’s fantastic cooking.
Everyone is happy to catch up.

Back home, we usually have a few hours between the brunch and our next effort, making dinner for the celebrant.  Julie is fond of a particular fish stew, but we don’t make it often as one of our kids dislikes fish, and another doesn’t like beans.  However, they will allow exceptions on such special days.  

This year I was lucky to find a French Silk pie, Julie’s favorite,  at the baker’s.  At 5 PM, we assembled to start dinner prep, with me directing. I am immensely proud of my kids, who all work together to get the job done.  There is no bickering, or fighting, or prima donnas. There is just doing. We have been cooking together for a very long time, and over the years, our cooking time has become as enjoyable as our meal time.  My kids are fun to be with.

We all work together to put the meal on the table.

With the meal completed and the table set, we call down the celebrant, and dinner is served.  It is our tradition to go around the table and say something nice about our guest of honor, as it is another way to make them feel special. The celebrant’s job is to thank the cooks, and the event turns into one big love fest.  When the kids were young, I would take them to the store so they could pick out gifts for Julie.  That has long passed, and they now do that on their own. We are not into lavish gifts in Kunaland, something meaningful is more important.  That may be a purchased item, something handmade, or even a service given.  

Table is set, time to call down the celebrant!
Julie loves this fish stew, but the kids object so we only make it on special occasions.
Connecting together is better than any gift.

Some years end with games or a family movie, but this year ended with dessert and presents.  It was a perfect day to honor a special person.  

How wonderful to do something where everyone feels good.  As a psychotherapist, I have witnessed the pendulum swings in society.  I have witnessed the increasing move towards the “what about me?” society.  A place where everyone feels that they are not getting enough and that their needs are more important than anyone else’s. 

I’m all for people meeting their needs, but I’m afraid we have been sold a bill of goods.  There is the trendy psychological edict of “self.”  The concept is that everything must benefit the “self.”  Like many trendy concepts, a reasonable idea has morphed into something that doesn’t approximate its original intention.  It is possible to meet our individual needs while also caring for the needs of others.  In fact, the latter is preferable, as all research points to the fact that individuals are happier when they are connected.  Yes, I made an effort to give Julie a special day, but she will likely return that favor when Father’s Day approaches.  When kindness becomes the norm, it is easy to do things for others, and it is easy for them to return that blessing.  

In my psychiatric practice, I would treat parents who had their children ghost them.  Admittedly, some individuals would not be candidates for Parent of the Year.  However, many were decent, good people. It wasn’t uncommon to have a child cut all ties without ever giving the parent a reason why or giving them a chance to change.  They would stop responding to their calls and text messages and no longer include them in their lives. At other times, they would send a “no contact” letter without any explanation or recourse.   Such actions were devastating and frequently unnecessary.

Yes, there are toxic parents out there who constantly pit one kid against another, or are always eager to criticize and compare. However, many of these folks should be allowed the opportunity to change. If they are unable or unwilling, then it is reasonable for the adult child to do what is necessary to preserve their mental health.  However, it is surprising how many kids eliminate their parents based on perceived emotional injuries instead of establishing a conversation with them or setting less absolute limits that allow for growth on both sides of the fence.  How can you change a behavior if you don’t know what you need to change?  I have known flawed parents, but they did everything in their power to give their kids a good life,  only to be rejected for all time.   I have also worked with many parents whose child’s spouse forces an “us vs. them” edict where spousal harmony requires the child to abandon their family in favor of the in-laws.  You can never have too many people who care about you.

Oddly, some of the most toxic parents that I have encountered seem to be given a pass and their kids’ continue their solicitous behavior.

Significant modifications must sometimes be made in a parent/adult-child relationship. If the holidays are always traumatic, it is reasonable to find alternative activities outside the family sphere.  If a parent can’t resist comparing or criticizing, the first step is to identify obnoxious behavior clearly, and to establish a hard “no,” informing the parent that such comments are unwelcome. A hurt or insulted parental response can be countered with a thick skin and an unemotional yet clear retort.  For parents with other issues, the solution may be as simple as having shorter get-togethers in neutral spaces, like a restaurant.  A clear but polite “no” can be employed for parents who are always demanding things. Lengthy explanations are not required. I firmly believe in setting limits with people in a kind but clear way.   

It is more difficult when problems exist in the adult child or their spouse.  However, the same rules apply, although it may be necessary to acknowledge other motives, such as a spouse’s desire to estrange the child’s parents. At times, it is most reasonable to accept the limitations of the relationship,and to fill the emotional gaps in other ways.

To reiterate. Building traditions can strengthen bonds. However, there are times when it is impossible to reconcile a relationship, and the only solution is to move on.  Yet, at other times, some effort can yield a positive result.  Remember, you can never have enough people who love you and who you love. When possible, always go with the win-win scenario. 

Happy Belated Mother’s Day

Mike