Today is Tuesday, more precisely, the Tuesday after Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day can be considered a Hallmark holiday: to that, I say, so what?  Sometimes, we need a reason to remind us to honor the important people in our lives.  I believe such events do more than that; they bind us together, cause us to reflect, and allow us to step outside ourselves leaving our self-absorbed world.  These times permit us to make someone else the center of our attention. In a world where we are taught the “me first” philosophy of life, a place where kindness is considered codependency, and an era where things instead of deeds measure worth,  it is important to reflect on what matters.  It is OK to be generous, kind, and considerate towards others.  It is not pathological to think of the needs of others; it is healthy.  There is a difference between loss of self and empathy.  The first leads to unhappiness, while the second yields a feeling of connection and belonging.  

Here in Kunaland, we foster compassion in our children in a variety of ways, one of which is celebrating the special days of others. The process is not a burden; it is a time of joining and working towards a common goal. Yes, we want the person of the day to feel special, but we all benefit from our collective actions. When done with a loving heart, serving others is fulfilling, and working together towards a common goal is pure joy.

We began these traditions when our kids were very young, and they are now fairly standardized.

Mother’s Day starts with breakfast in bed, and my wife’s requests are always the same: coffee, some sort of a fruit bowl, and a cinnamon treat.  The latter item is most often a home-baked cinnamon roll, but at other times, it has been homemade cinnamon coffee cake or, this year, a Cinnaholic cinnamon roll from our local Cinnaholic store.  

When the kids were very young, it was typical for me to buy precut fruit, but now, we have adult children capable of slicing and dicing.  I never seem to be able to find a nice bed tray to carry up the breakfast.  I know we have many, but they seem to hide in the cabinets when I go looking for them.  Usually, I’ll use something else and modify it so it serves the purpose.  This year, I found a large cookie platter. 

Our prep buzzes with activity; some ice rolls, others cut fruit, and still others make coffee. My goal is to arrange the items so they are pleasing to the eye; some years, I’m more successful than others.  When all is assembled we march up the stairs singing “Happy Mother’s Day To You,” borrowing the melody from the classic birthday tune.  Julie always manages to look surprised even though we have been doing the same shtick for almost 30 years.  

The next item on our agenda is brunch at my niece Karen’s home.  Karen has a wonderful older home in an adjacent suburb and has been hosting a Mother’s Day brunch for as long as I can remember. This is despite that Karen, herself, is a mother of three. She insists on doing all of the cooking and baking. Somehow, she manages to fill her home to the brim with people. She had at least 50 guests this year.  Karen is a fantastic cook, and eating at her home is better than going to a high-end restaurant for brunch. Karen and her husband Themi’s hosting is effortless. I honestly don’t know how they do it.  Their hospitality sets the tone for the guests, who are happy and talkative.  It is a wonderful afternoon.

Back home, we usually have a few hours between the brunch and our next effort, making dinner for the celebrant.  Julie is fond of a particular fish stew, but we don’t make it often as one of our kids dislikes fish, and another doesn’t like beans.  However, they will allow exceptions on such special days.  

This year I was lucky to find a French Silk pie, Julie’s favorite,  at the baker’s.  At 5 PM, we assembled to start dinner prep, with me directing. I am immensely proud of my kids, who all work together to get the job done.  There is no bickering, or fighting, or prima donnas. There is just doing. We have been cooking together for a very long time, and over the years, our cooking time has become as enjoyable as our meal time.  My kids are fun to be with.

With the meal completed and the table set, we call down the celebrant, and dinner is served.  It is our tradition to go around the table and say something nice about our guest of honor, as it is another way to make them feel special. The celebrant’s job is to thank the cooks, and the event turns into one big love fest.  When the kids were young, I would take them to the store so they could pick out gifts for Julie.  That has long passed, and they now do that on their own. We are not into lavish gifts in Kunaland, something meaningful is more important.  That may be a purchased item, something handmade, or even a service given.  

Some years end with games or a family movie, but this year ended with dessert and presents.  It was a perfect day to honor a special person.  

How wonderful to do something where everyone feels good.  As a psychotherapist, I have witnessed the pendulum swings in society.  I have witnessed the increasing move towards the “what about me?” society.  A place where everyone feels that they are not getting enough and that their needs are more important than anyone else’s. 

I’m all for people meeting their needs, but I’m afraid we have been sold a bill of goods.  There is the trendy psychological edict of “self.”  The concept is that everything must benefit the “self.”  Like many trendy concepts, a reasonable idea has morphed into something that doesn’t approximate its original intention.  It is possible to meet our individual needs while also caring for the needs of others.  In fact, the latter is preferable, as all research points to the fact that individuals are happier when they are connected.  Yes, I made an effort to give Julie a special day, but she will likely return that favor when Father’s Day approaches.  When kindness becomes the norm, it is easy to do things for others, and it is easy for them to return that blessing.  

In my psychiatric practice, I would treat parents who had their children ghost them.  Admittedly, some individuals would not be candidates for Parent of the Year.  However, many were decent, good people. It wasn’t uncommon to have a child cut all ties without ever giving the parent a reason why or giving them a chance to change.  They would stop responding to their calls and text messages and no longer include them in their lives. At other times, they would send a “no contact” letter without any explanation or recourse.   Such actions were devastating and frequently unnecessary.

Yes, there are toxic parents out there who constantly pit one kid against another, or are always eager to criticize and compare. However, many of these folks should be allowed the opportunity to change. If they are unable or unwilling, then it is reasonable for the adult child to do what is necessary to preserve their mental health.  However, it is surprising how many kids eliminate their parents based on perceived emotional injuries instead of establishing a conversation with them or setting less absolute limits that allow for growth on both sides of the fence.  How can you change a behavior if you don’t know what you need to change?  I have known flawed parents, but they did everything in their power to give their kids a good life,  only to be rejected for all time.   I have also worked with many parents whose child’s spouse forces an “us vs. them” edict where spousal harmony requires the child to abandon their family in favor of the in-laws.  You can never have too many people who care about you.

Oddly, some of the most toxic parents that I have encountered seem to be given a pass and their kids’ continue their solicitous behavior.

Significant modifications must sometimes be made in a parent/adult-child relationship. If the holidays are always traumatic, it is reasonable to find alternative activities outside the family sphere.  If a parent can’t resist comparing or criticizing, the first step is to identify obnoxious behavior clearly, and to establish a hard “no,” informing the parent that such comments are unwelcome. A hurt or insulted parental response can be countered with a thick skin and an unemotional yet clear retort.  For parents with other issues, the solution may be as simple as having shorter get-togethers in neutral spaces, like a restaurant.  A clear but polite “no” can be employed for parents who are always demanding things. Lengthy explanations are not required. I firmly believe in setting limits with people in a kind but clear way.   

It is more difficult when problems exist in the adult child or their spouse.  However, the same rules apply, although it may be necessary to acknowledge other motives, such as a spouse’s desire to estrange the child’s parents. At times, it is most reasonable to accept the limitations of the relationship,and to fill the emotional gaps in other ways.

To reiterate. Building traditions can strengthen bonds. However, there are times when it is impossible to reconcile a relationship, and the only solution is to move on.  Yet, at other times, some effort can yield a positive result.  Remember, you can never have enough people who love you and who you love. When possible, always go with the win-win scenario. 

Happy Belated Mother’s Day

Mike