Behaviors repeat themselves.  Sometimes the characters or the situation change, but the pattern of behavior remains the same.  In my working life, I helped people correct dysfunctional repeating patterns, but functional patterns also occur.  They allow us to navigate life without constantly processing the current situation.  I know how to fry an egg because I have done it a thousand times, and I know how to act when I meet someone new for the same reason.  I tend to shop at the same stores, take the same route when I go on my walks, and order the same food at McDonald’s. Utilizing patterns saves psychological energy.  I’m not against new experiences; I enjoy them.  But life would be exhausting if everything had to be new.  There is comfort and ease in routine.

We are a science family.  I have a graduate degree as well as a medical degree. My wife has PhDs in Clinical and Social Psychology. So it isn’t surprising that kids are comfortable in those areas.  What is surprising is that they wound up geographically in places that held significance for us in the past.  We live in a metro area of almost 10 million, a massive region filled with numerous suburbs and neighborhoods. We have never promoted one location or place to our kids.  Yet, chance has led them to familiar places.

My oldest lives outside our metro area, but she did choose a career in psychology that mirrors both my wife’s and my own. My other three also chose science-related fields; additionally, they wound up at places from our pasts. 

One is a math and science teacher at a Chicago magnet high school that happens to be in a neighborhood right next to the one where I grew up.  Another is a healthcare provider working in the hospital where I did my residency.  The last is in a PhD program at the same university where both my wife and I completed our graduate work. Our region has a multitude of high schools, hospitals, and universities; I have to think that this is more than coincidence.

My oldest never returned home after college, but the other three did due to COVID, and it took them years to move out. COVID drastically limited their social lives, and so we spent a lot of time cooking,  watching shows, playing games, hiking, and doing other family activities together.  I have awesome children, and I really enjoyed having them back home.  It was wonderful, but I knew that this gift would only be temporary.  I also knew that their moving on was exactly what they needed to do.  The role of a parent is to raise functional adults.  Functional adults have functional adult lives.

Over time, my next two moved out into their own apartments, but my son remained.  His graduate program was in the city, and he talked about moving, but it never seemed to happen.  I didn’t mind, as he is an easy-going and pleasant individual. 

This summer, he once again talked about getting a place closer to his school, but it didn’t seem like he was doing much to move towards that goal.  However, suddenly, in the course of less than three weeks, he toured several apartments and moved into one of them.

Yesterday, I visited him in his new home.  Last night I sat with my wife at the kitchen table eating the other half of my lunch’s subway sandwich for dinner.  We talked, but there was a stillness in the house. It felt like there was less energy, less excitement.  

Years ago, my oldest was living in a different part of the state, the next one was in the Peace Corps, and the next one was in college.  My son, the youngest, had just started his first year at university, and my wife and I felt a similar emptiness. I felt sadness for about two months, then it suddenly lifted, and I began to see the positive side of my situation.  I know I’ll get through my current mood; I’ve done it before.  

There is an excitement in experiencing and re-experiencing things through my children.  I’ll see my oldest in a few days and catch up on her family’s life.  I have been back to my old neighborhood a few times because of the proximity to my other daughter’s work. My next daughter now lives in Chicago, a half a block from where I lived when I was in med school. And now my son.  

When I attended the same university, it was in a pretty rough part of town.  I worked out of two labs, one at the medical campus and one at the university campus. I would walk from one to the other and try to look as tough and foreboding as I could.  The university campus, during those days, was in a brutalist architectural style.  Bulbous, ugly buildings with absolutely no green space. It was as if the architect’s former career involved designing warehouses and prisons. That was over 50 years ago.

I now get to experience a revitalized university and neighborhood. The campus has added new beautiful buildings as well as green spaces. The hideous raised walkways have been torn down. They were oppressive and dangerous. The neighborhood between the two campuses has gentrified. Buildings have been restored to their former grandeur; streets are free of debris; lawns are maintained; flowers are planted. The street that I used to walk down with fear is now awash with restaurants and other chic third spaces. The whole area is lovely. I am happy for my son.

Still, I know I will be sad for a bit. At the same time, I’m excited for my wife and me.  I’m glad that my kids’ lives are moving on. I’m happy that they are happy. 

This time is an adventure for me too.  Not only do I get to experience their lives, but I also have a new freedom with mine.  My wife and I are already planning a little getaway. I’m thinking of doing a new project or two.  I’m trying to broaden my social circle. That later goal can be challenging for me as I’m a shy guy.  However, I know that growth rarely feels comfortable. 

As a family, we continue to plan ways to get together.  That is important to all of us.  Life goes on; the circle of life continues. 

Peace

Mike

My son’s new neighborhood has been gentrified since the times that I walked the same streets.

The streets are clean, the houses have been renovated, flowers are planted.

A shot from the back of my son’s new building. I find the stairs both interesting and beautiful.

The street that I used to walk down in fear is now awash with restaurants and other chic third spaces.