Why do we think that relationships are supposed to work magically, or conversely, why do we believe that relationships should be nothing but hard work?
We live in a world of unreasonable expectations, inflated self-worth, and changing roles. We also live in a world of failing relationships. Marketing executives tell us what should make us happy: things, trips, experiences. However, studies indicate that one of the most significant contributions to longevity, psychological health, and physical health is solid connections with others. Healthy connections can be with anyone: friends, relatives, children. However, the primary connection that many of us have is the connection we have with a life partner. We spend the most time with this person on both an immediate and a longitudinal basis. Classically, that person would be a spouse or a person in the role of a spouse.
Yet, we continue to see a degradation of this union. Traditional marriages have almost a 50% failure rate, with second marriages faring even worse. The average length of a first marriage is only eight years. The average length of a cohabitating couple staying together is 18 months to six years, depending on the study. Couples who live together before they are married have a higher marriage failure rate than those who follow a more traditional path.
Finding a relationship has shifted away from traditional avenues to online apps. The majority of women vie for the top 10% of men, meaning that many of these women become casual bonus relationships while 90% of the men face constant rejection. That rejection is often based on superficial requirements like being 6 feet tall or above or making a 6-figure salary.
The ease of hooking up almost anonymously doesn’t lead to a sense of liberation or empowerment, as studies show that both men and women often feel emptier after an encounter.
Although not for everyone, something must be said about a quality traditional committed relationship. The operative word here is quality. So many relationships start with high hopes, only to end in disaster. Conventional approaches to healing a failing relationship, such as couples therapy, may be effective only 50% of the time.
Is there a way to ensure that a committed relationship continues to thrive? That was the question that John Gottman, PhD, and his wife Julie Gottman, PhD, have been exploring for the last 50 years. Authors of over 40 books and several hundred scientific papers, it would be impossible to summarize all of their work in this short post. However, I thought I would highlight some of their observed findings.
The Gottmans discovered that some individuals were masters of relationships and were experts at nurturing connections with their significant other. Unfortunately, others were poor at maintaining relationships. The good news was that it is possible to learn how to become a master. Just like anything else, relationships require work and attention to thrive. However, the Gottmans note that having a good relationship doesn’t need to be a constant, exhausting effort.
One critical need is for partners to respond to little bids for connection from their counterparts. Bids for connection are simple statements that one partner says to the other. Statements like, “Oh, that tree has the most beautiful fall colors!” or “Can you come into the kitchen to check this out?” It was found that successful partners responded to these little bids around 86% of the time. Their response didn’t have to be much. “Yes, that tree is beautiful,” or “OK, I’ll be right there.” Poor prognosis couples only responded positively 33% of the time—the other 67% of the time, they ignored or turned away from their partner.
They also noted that successful couples often had rituals of connection, routine questions that showed interest in the other person, such as “How was your day?” or “What can I do for you this week to make you feel loved?” Our family always does “rose and thorns” at dinner time. Each person takes a turn and says the good and bad things they experienced during the last 24 hours. This ritual is simple but allows for further conversation and connection. We also know when some external force is negatively impacting one of us. We do many other simple things to acknowledge each other. For instance, if we hear someone coming into the house, we usually shout, “Welcome home!.” Naturally, there are also many specific points of connection that I specifically have with my wife—easy ways to connect via simple rituals.
The Gottmans note that partners should also openly discuss what is bothering them. The complainant should use “I ” rather than “you” statements. It is better to say, “I’m feeling exhausted making dinner every night,” rather than, “You are lazy and inconsiderate for not helping with dinner.” The latter just makes the recipient defensive. To continue to move the conversation forward, they suggest that the recipient ask questions like, “Tell me more about your concerns,” rather than instantly defending their position. The complainant’s job is not to blame but to express how something negatively impacts them.
They note that successful marriages often have patterns of behaviors that strengthen their bonds. One way to do this is to ask open-ended questions, which allow the other person to respond at length instead of with a one-word answer. It is better to say, “Tell me more about what is stressing you,” rather than “So you are stressed?” The more you know how your partner feels about something, the better you understand them.
Turning toward your partner when talking acknowledges that what they say is important to you. How many people turn away or look at their phone or TV when their partner tries to engage them? Such actions signal that their partner’s concerns are insignificant.
The Gottmans also noted the importance of expressing fondness for each other through words and touch. It doesn’t take much to say, “I love you,” or “You look very nice today.” Physical touch is vital in creating a bond between two people. That touch can be anything from intimate cuddling to holding hands. I’m a touchy guy, and I’m sure it is one of my “love languages.”
Successful couples are skilled at managing conflict. However, 70% of disputes that couples experience are non-resolvable. Therefore, it is necessary to face these situations with humor, grace, compromise, and acceptance.
I’m a person who does poorly with a lot of visual clutter. I like things to be neat and organized. Julie is more of a free spirit, and clutter doesn’t bother her. This was an unresolvable conflict in our marriage. Many years ago, I took over cleaning the house. This allowed me to establish simple courtesy rules for all members while freeing Julie from housecleaning tasks. If someone uses a dish outside of a meal, they must wash it and put it away. However, I make sure that the kitchen is clean and tidy. At the same time, I don’t mess with Julie’s areas, like the top of her dresser. Our differences remain, but we have found a way to move past them.
Likewise, I’m a chronic comparer and love examining how different products are similar and different. I’m a photographer and have over a dozen cameras of all types. Do I need that many cameras? No. However, they give me pleasure. I collect other things, too; many of those interests are temporary, and I usually give things away after ” studying” them. However, that is not the case with my cameras. Early in our marriage, Julie commented that I was pathological in my “collections.” I would counter with angry and defensive feelings as my collections never impacted us as a couple, and they were important to me. However, at some point, she understood that this “comparison” issue was something I had been doing since childhood, and it gave me a lot of pleasure. Would she prefer it if I had fewer collections? I’m confident the answer would be yes, but she now accepts who I am, and we can laugh about our mutual quirks.
Although 70% of conflicts are not resolvable, most are trivial, like the ones listed above. Of course, there can be times when a conflict is so significant that it can’t be accepted or laughed off, and there is no hope of resolution. However, those unacceptable conflicts are rarer than most couples believe.
The Gottmans also found that successful couples honor and support each other’s dreams. These dreams may be different for each individual. My thought is that there has to be balance here. Let’s say one partner gets involved in get-rich-quick scams, or the other wants to sell everything and move to Paris to live a Bohemian lifestyle. In those situations, it may not be possible for the other person to support the other’s dreams completely. However, there may be compromises. Perhaps a measured amount of resources can be spent on mildly risky financial opportunities, or a more spartan lifestyle further away from the rat race can be adopted. A couple’s bond is strengthened when each person’s dreams are respected.
Establishing rituals can also be an excellent way to build bonds. Let me share a somewhat embarrassing personal example with you. When dating Julie, I was gifted a giant magnum of costly champagne. Julie and I are not big drinkers, but quality champagne tastes more like fizzy grape juice than hard liquor (my unsophisticated opinion). I knew champagne didn’t age well, so I uncorked it on one Halloween over 30 years ago. On that day, I bought an enormous amount of candy, and we both ran to the door every time we heard the doorbell ring. The kids’ costumes became more impressive with each glass, and we wanted to see them all. At the same time, I had ordered a substantial Chinese take-out feast, which we were enjoying. It was a crazy and fun day despite the horrible headaches we both suffered the following morning. Although we have omitted the champagne part, we always have Chinese food on Halloween, and we still enjoy the Trick-Or-Treaters, who are so proud of their “disguises.” Chinese food on Halloween has become a ritual in our house.
Trust and commitment are critical components of successful couples. Can I trust that you have my back? Will you be there for me for life? If our situation changes, will you stick by me? If I become sick, will you support me or abandon me?
As a therapist, I sometimes treated a person or couple in an open marriage. These arrangements usually stipulate only physical and not emotional involvement with the third party. However, I often saw that emotional involvement did occur and that it would destroy the couple’s relationship. An even more destructive situation was when one person decided to go outside the marriage to find an affair partner. Trust and commitment are destroyed in such situations.
An affair partner can always look good, be nice, be supportive, and be exciting because they have none of the real-life issues married couples face. Statistics show that a vast percentage of relationships that start as an affair end badly when they go from an affair to a committed relationship. People who “cheat” often don’t stop in their next relationship.
The Gottmans also found predictors of relationship failures. They could easily predict what marriages would fail after watching a single argument. They call this destructive communication style the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”
The first horseman is criticism. This is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint. It is an attack on the person. A complaint would be, “I feel unappreciated when you leave your dishes around the house, and I have to collect and wash them.” A criticism would be, “You are so inconsiderate. You never think about how your behavior impacts me; you only think about yourself. You are useless and just cause me extra work! You are a horrible person!” Hopefully, you can see the difference between these two expressions.
The second horseman is contempt. This is far worse than criticism and is a powerful predictor of a future failed marriage. Contempt occurs when one person takes a superior position to the other. It often includes mocking, name-calling, cruel sarcasm, and scoffing. The goal is to demean the other person and make them feel worthless. Contempt implies that the perpetrator is superior to their partner. An example of contempt is, “How dare you complain that you’re tired. You only have to watch the kids and care for the house. How hard is that? I have to go to work and support the family. I have to do the real work. You are pathetic!” It doesn’t take much to realize how destructive a comment like that would quickly sour a marriage.
The third horseman is defensiveness, which is often a response to criticism. “Did you pick up the pie for the Smiths’ potluck?” A defensive response would be, “You know how busy I am. I can’t do everything. Why didn’t you do it?” There is no dialog; instead, there is anger and an effort to reverse blame.
The fourth horseman is stonewalling. This is when one partner simply shuts down and stops responding to their partner. They may turn away, get involved in something else (like playing a video game), or simply ignore their partner. This is often a response to contempt. Stonewalling is the result of being psychologically flooded. The person is so overwhelmed by the psychological attack that they are in flight or fight mode. Their ability to respond is hampered, as are their reasoning abilities. This is a natural response to a threat where escape and survival are at the forefront.
If a couple recognizes that they are doing the above, they can change their behavior. Otherwise, the relationship is doomed. All couples argue there is nothing wrong with having conflict. The key is knowing how to “fight right.” One method is to listen and not interrupt others when they share their concerns. The Gottmans even suggest having the recipient write them down, as this reduces defensiveness and angry reactions (obviously, this would be for more serious problems, not forgetting to pick up a pie).
They also note that business approaches to conflict resolution do not work in these emotional situations. Doing a cost/benefit exercise is not going to help. Listening, asking open questions, taking responsibility, and acknowledging the other person’s concerns are more essential tools. A sincere apology has a lot of power.
An abundance of research data suggests that good relationships increase a person’s psychological health, physical health, and longevity. As the population moves toward an app-based selection method for potential partners, superficial identifiers often replace more valuable characteristics like kindness, empathy, cooperation, and compassion. Apps have turned potential partner selection into just another marketplace where you go to purchase a product—turning a person into an object to deliver something to the recipient. Such a position is destructive to building a genuine relationship. Relationships have to be mutually beneficial to work; those benefits are often mutually supportive, as shown by the Gottmans’ research.
Here is the good news. If you, as a couple, understand and implement what the Gottmans suggest, you can transform a doomed relationship into a successful one. I mentioned the concept of being a master of relationships. If you practice their suggestions, those skills will extend well beyond your couple’s relationship and benefit your other life connections. How cool is that?
Being kind and considerate towards your partner is not co-dependent; it is an active and thoughtful process that also respects your values and needs. However, it may feel contrary to our societal norms, filled with anger and dissatisfaction.
It is so acceptable to use the word hate. “I hate him!” It is harder to say the word love when using it as it was intended to be used. Don’t you find that strange? Image the power of two people working towards common goals who support and love one another. Compare that to a couple that constantly finds fault with each other. Why does the latter seem much easier in our society than in the former?
Relationships are not rocket science, but they require some thinking and effort. Why would anyone believe differently?
Peace
Mike
Here is an old joke I would sometimes tell couples:
A woman goes to see a therapist. “How can I help you,” asked the therapist. “I hate my husband, and I want you to tell me how to punish him. I really want him to suffer. I want to hurt him!” The therapist said he was reluctant to help, but in the end, he agreed. “OK, this is what you have to do. You need to treat him real well. Tell him that you love him. On occasion, pick up his favorite treats for no reason. Kiss him goodbye when he goes out. Compliment him when he looks nice. Be kind and supportive of him. Then, when he falls back in love with you, leave him!” The lady chuckled in a sinister way, nodded her head, and left the office. Three months later, the therapist saw her name on his schedule. The lady came into the office, and she was beaming. In fact, she looked 10 years younger. “I guess you did what I told you to do and then dumped him,” said the therapist. “Yes, I did exactly what you told me to do, but dump him? Are you kidding? My husband is treating me like a queen. Our marriage marriage has never been better!”
